To think friend is looking for an excuse to not work

[Beadyohfeedme]

This is going to sound harsh.
My very close friend hasn't worked since her ds was born nearly 3 years ago. She's a single mum and has done a bit of temporary work, cash in hand and started a college course. She's a single mum so I do think she finds things tough but has very supportive family near by and a nice flat which is hers for life.
We have both struggled with our finances and she is currently nearly £20,000 in debt. I know it gets her down and she tells me that she ignores the post and phone calls. Everything goes on the credit card and she has taken her son out of nursery as she owes them nearly a grand and can't afford to pay.
I was absolutely delighted when she got offered a job a few weeks ago and not just any old job but a well paid one with career progression in an exciting sector. We went out to celebrate and after her first day she told me how great it felt to be earning and making a fresh start.
Last week she said commuting and dropping her ds off and picking him up at 6 was tiring and she didn't know how much longer she could do it. I said why didn't she drop to three days and try to do a lot of stiff the night before, batch cook on a Sunday etc. I have a dd4 and a ds3, a dp that's out the house 7-7 each day and full time job so even if I don't know exactly what her life is like, I know it can be tough day in and day out.
Today she said that because of something that happened at the Christmas do (married colleagues copping off and a fight between a guy and his wife) she didn't think she could work there anymore (because of the atmosphere.) I think this is a bit of a feeble excuse. Why would you chuck away a good job because of things that your colleagues have done wrong? Why not try to shorten your hours or look for something else whilst in this role? I think she's just tired and the novelty has worn off. Should I say something? I suppose I'm a big believer in work for self esteem, keeping your brain active and for making life more interesting. I just think she's making a mistake.

Can you not see rather than ‘avoiding work’ she’s overwhelmed, likely depressed and struggling to juggle it all on her own? Just because your mum was amazing and all single mums yo know work doesn’t mean she is like them, so yes you are judgy and expect her to meet your standard.

How are you home owners on minimum wage with one of you having debt problems?

She’s 20k in debt and it’s getting her down. I don’t see why OP shouldn’t have a chat with her about this. Friends dont just mutely nod along.

I haven't told her she had to find work. I have listened to months and months of her worries and concerns about the financial instability of her future. She was convinced that finding a job was the answer, she applied, she got it, we celebrated. Now she wants to quit. It's like a friend going back to an ex boyfriend, they might not remember how awful they were but you do.

24hourshomeedderandcarer

Of course the companies can go after people on benefits, with help from an organisations like cab or stepchange, they will accept statutory minimum repayments but they absolutely do come after debtors.

They can also take the money straight from your benefits for certain debts. So there's a lot of misinformation on your post.

@Lycidas thank you! She is my honest friend and happily pulls me up on my bullshit and bad decisions. Not that I'm saying this is neither bullshit or a bad decision. Just that it's what friends do. I'm not judging her, but I think she should stick it out a bit.

@AlunWynsKnee someone died. That's the only way anyone gets on the housing ladder from my generation.

How long can a SP stay home to care for a small child now?

Nobody is saying not to give her support and encouragement with her job - of course do that.

But you are coming across as sanctamonious and judgey about her, and very certain that there is one right path (your path!). That's not going to help her at all.

Also bear in mind that there is a difference between support and advice? Has she asked you for specific advice?

@KnowBetterDoBetter ok so can I say that I know that I don't know what it's like? Equally someone with only one child doesn't know what it's like to have two or someone without disabilities doesn't know what it's like to have a disability. All of us in this world are guilty of pretending to know what we don't know.

Friends do help each other but on this issue it would be best to just listen to her, I'm sure she wouldn't consider giving up her job lightly and none of us know what goes on in someone else's head.

She may find another job which will not cause so much stress.

Just be there for her - as you are already - but don't intrude.

You're a good mate though, well meaning.

@ThighThighOfthigh I think it's really young, so about three?

someone died. That's the only way anyone gets on the housing ladder from my generation

You really are very sure your way is the only way about everything. Of course that is not the only way anyone of your generation (or any generation) gets on the housing ladder. It's just the one that worked for you.

Maybe the job is not as good as they made it sound when they hired her. Jobs with 'excellent career progression' are not often offered to single mums who have been out of work for three years and have limited experience/qualifications. Is it something in sales with most of the money being made on commissions? If it is, it might be a really shitty job which consists of phoning people up and being told to fuck off all day.

OP, I'm not sure if you have a tone of that she is being lazy, or lack of real empathy, but you aren't convincing us that you have her best intentions in mind.

If you do care, a better way to support her would be to tell her that major change takes adjustment time. With new work it can take 6 months to start to fit in. If she can stick it that long it'll feel easier and it's the right job, or if she can't stand it at that point and leaves, at least she will have given it a go.

If you acknowledge it's tough starting a new job and offer her a listening ear you will be her true friend, and more likely to help her than focussing on debt.

@DeathStare live at home with parents until mid thirties or is left an inheritance. That's the only way that I've encountered. Don't like in London though so can't vouch for the 25 year olds starting out on £40,000 salaries. It's only since I discovered Mumsnet that I found out about this kind of wealth.

Agree op
I hate to see this stuff.
I’ve busted a gut working since I was 14.
Hard not to feel critical of those without a strong work ethic.

Rant here but keep it to yourself In real life

@Beadyohfeedmethis is honestly not the way most people (or any generation) buy a house. Not that that matters. But your sense of certainty that your way is the best/only way comes across in every post. You may well mean very well, but that kind of attitude is not going to help your friend.

@Chocmallows obviously this is the way I would phrase it. In all honesty I don't think she's lazy, not at all. She has set up several businesses, works so hard to promote them, works for free to get social media exposure. She wanted to get a part time office job which would pay ok and help until her business took off. This was that job.
The reality is that working life is difficult and I don't think she prepared herself for that. Her idea was to do this four days and nails at the weekend. Obviously at the weekend she's shattered and wants to see her ds do cancels clients, which then doesn't grow the business.
That's why I wanted to suggest cutting her hours rather than packing it in all together so she can still have the reliability and reassurance of a pay check each month rather than hoping that someone will book in for nails. Especially with January coming up which is tough for all small businesses.
I'm not judging her and I would hate to think that's how it sounds. I just want her to think before she makes this decision as she has quit jobs in the past and then regretted it.

Then empathise with new jobs being tough and that it's understandable she's stressed. Offer to take her for tea and cake or cocktails when she's been in for a month as it can be the toughest period. Having a sense of support may help her feel stronger to try for longer.

She might just be moaning as it's an adjustment having just started. Just be supportive. Remind her that people go crazy at Christmas work dos and they're probably normal the rest of the year.

It's not living if you don't have money to do anything and have to wait till the last Friday of the month to put petrol in your car or top up your electric!

That's your opinion. Others may feel it's not living to be constantly stressed about getting dc to childcare etc.

Under universal credit the main carer is expected to look for work when the youngest reaches 3 years old.

I'm a big believer in work for self esteem, keeping your brain active and for making life more interesting you managed to write so much sensiblele osot before reverting to lazy ideas of SAHP's

@Beadyohfeedme so you have a mortgage on minimum wage and a debt management plan or do you own outright? Just trying to understand your comment about not getting any help with housing.

Just be her friend, without all your worldly wise knowledge of everything.!