To think friend is looking for an excuse to not work

[Beadyohfeedme]

This is going to sound harsh.
My very close friend hasn't worked since her ds was born nearly 3 years ago. She's a single mum and has done a bit of temporary work, cash in hand and started a college course. She's a single mum so I do think she finds things tough but has very supportive family near by and a nice flat which is hers for life.
We have both struggled with our finances and she is currently nearly £20,000 in debt. I know it gets her down and she tells me that she ignores the post and phone calls. Everything goes on the credit card and she has taken her son out of nursery as she owes them nearly a grand and can't afford to pay.
I was absolutely delighted when she got offered a job a few weeks ago and not just any old job but a well paid one with career progression in an exciting sector. We went out to celebrate and after her first day she told me how great it felt to be earning and making a fresh start.
Last week she said commuting and dropping her ds off and picking him up at 6 was tiring and she didn't know how much longer she could do it. I said why didn't she drop to three days and try to do a lot of stiff the night before, batch cook on a Sunday etc. I have a dd4 and a ds3, a dp that's out the house 7-7 each day and full time job so even if I don't know exactly what her life is like, I know it can be tough day in and day out.
Today she said that because of something that happened at the Christmas do (married colleagues copping off and a fight between a guy and his wife) she didn't think she could work there anymore (because of the atmosphere.) I think this is a bit of a feeble excuse. Why would you chuck away a good job because of things that your colleagues have done wrong? Why not try to shorten your hours or look for something else whilst in this role? I think she's just tired and the novelty has worn off. Should I say something? I suppose I'm a big believer in work for self esteem, keeping your brain active and for making life more interesting. I just think she's making a mistake.

'People CAN own their own home on minimum wage'

Nobody, nobody is going to be given a mortgage on minimum wage these days. 30 years ago before the housing boom, perhaps. Not a chance now...

I think she's too focused on her own business, which isn't working well. It often takes a long time to setup, maintain a business, engage clients and break even let alone make a profit. From your updates, she prefers her business (who wouldn't if passionate about it?) and is struggling to balance with regular more mundane paid work. She's falling into the trap of focusing on her business which doesn't pay or help. She needs to drop it, focus on the job bringing in money for now, then revisit when in a better place financially.

Loads of people, including my dbro, fall into this trap. They let passion overtake rationality. Focusing on something they can't see won't pay out a profit when they desperately need said profit.

As an older millennial it was potentially doable sometimes, but remember there are millennials who are nearly 40.

You should keep your nose out of her business. It always makes me laugh how people call themselves a friend of someone and then act like you.

The friend is MAKING it her business by constantly venting to her about how miserable she is being in debt. THAT is the issue. If the friend were perfectly happy and settled then I would completely agree that the OP is being out of order and should butt out. But thats not what is happening here. What is happening here is that her friend is 20k in debt, has had to remove her kid from nursery due to debts and is having to avoid the post and phone calls about paying the debts back. That sounds incredibly stressful and horrible and must be having a huge effect on her mental health. The friend has presumably told the OP all of this and therefore has made it "her business" by worrying about it and venting about it to her. Of course OP is worried about her friend- if that was my friend I would also be really worried for her and for her mental health having to constantly dodge debt collectors. If OPs friend wanted her to back off and butt out then 1. she can easily tell her that and 2. she wouldn't be constantly going to OP telling her about her financial woes would she???

The friend is MAKING it her business by constantly venting to her about how miserable she is being in debt.

That's not how I read it, but I apologise if wrong.

@Orangeblossom78 they are one of many that offer help yes

You are not seeing her viewpoint and instead impressing your view on her. You work and feel it's good so think she should do the same based on her previous complaints. I wouldnt say anything as this will be perceived as criticism. Her life, her choice.

I had a friend like you. Note: had.

I would have a conversation with her about how you can help in practical ways while she gets through the first 3-6 months of adjustment - and come with a list of suggestions of practical things you'd be happy to do so that trying to figure out how she can ask you to help isn't yet more overwhelming things for her to try and do!

So doing some batch cooking for her, picking her DS up one night a week, perhaps fetching in a few basic groceries if she needs help with a top up shop she can't fit in... Just small things to help carry some of the weight she's struggling with for a while.

I don't think it would hurt to gently say to her that with any new job it takes 3-6 months to really feel settled and at home there, because it's all brand new people and places and systems and tasks and routines, so maybe to just try and focus on getting through this initial period and taking up any help people can offer before re-evaluating after 6 months. That kind of sentiment wouldn't be out of place in a conversation where you are also offering practical support.

I think different people will cope in different ways TBH.I have a lot of sympathy for Single Parents ,Some can cope some cant .Going to work 4 days a week doesnt sound too bad unless you have actually done it!As far as her debts are concerned ,usually debt companies will accept a low payment even a penny a week if that is all there is to spare ! The job itself may be too much and she may find it easier in a less stressful post .

Jesus another single parent bashing post!
Ok wondergirl you work and have 2 kids but you do have a DP to share finances, parenting and for emotional support.
Your friend sounds overwhelmed and in need of a less judgy ‘friend’.

This.

I suppose I'm a big believer in work for self esteem, keeping your brain active and for making life more interesting.

Hmmm. I'm not sure why, but this sounds kind of superior to me. Not all SAHP's have low self-esteem, inactive brains and boring lives ...

*Disclaimer - not SAHP before you think that's why I say this.

In fairness constantly moaning anything- work, debt, kids, partner- can be very wearing for those listening as it's the same record every time. What they are doing isn't working and repeating the same thing isn't going to get different results. So if OPs friend is doing this, which is how her posts have read to me (i could be wrong obviously maybe OP can clarify), then of course she should be honest and try to help her friend break the cycle.

It's not pleasant. I did the same for over a year regarding a job before a friend snapped and told me i said the same moans every time, didn't change anything yet expected the situation to. And she couldn't listen anymore as it was wearing her down to constantly hear an upset friend who just wallowed. Blunt yes, maybe harsh, but so very true and gave me a good kick up the backside to start reporting things and job searching. I then returned the honest in regards to her cheating now-ex as she was going the same way.

I wouldn't be as blunt as my friend was if i was OP however if her friend is a 'cycle moaner' then she needs to have an honest conversation. Her friend can ignore but then should avoid cycle moaning to Op Again. Or she may see, as i did, change for her own happiness one way or other.

If she resigns she will be deemed to be intentionally out of work, which means there is less support available to her. Without judging or telling her what to do, you could gently suggest that she makes sure she is fully informed of the consequences of resigning before she does.

To be fair, it sounds like it's said friends desire to keep up her second job- trying to start a buisiness- which tips her over the edge because she's working constantly with that too. If she dropped starting up for now, which isnt taking off anyway, she might be ok with the job.

I would remind her that is she gives up her job she will be on universal credit and will wait a few weeks for her first payment . When her child reaches a certain age she will have to comply with strict criteria searching for work and accepting any work, however inconvenient . Although she in undoubtably overwhelmed ,she needs a debt management plan and encouragement through this adjustment period . Sometimes it can takes several months to settle into a new job and the winter is a difficult period with it's long dark days .

Surely if she chooses to give up work she won't get any benefits for 26 weeks. That's how it used to work but maybe it's different now. I would just remind her about that as I'm sure you don't want to see her with no money. If the system has changed though you can't really say anything. She's an adult free to make her own choices/mistakes

'People CAN own their own home on minimum wage'

Of course they can if they win the lottery or have an inheritance that gives them a 90% deposit. No one could possibly get a mortgage on minimum wage in the past 15 years.

Absolutely none of your business

It prob is v hard going full time after having a lot of time to get thru chores and organise things at home. Full time working and managing the home is stressful.

I imagine if she took on a full time position and has only been there a short while they will not be too keen on her dropping hours this early but there's no harm in asking.

As for the atmosphere, she needs to get her big girl pants on and ignore it.

Having said all this, it is her life choice to seize the opportunity or throw it away.

I think you're getting a hard time on here, OP. Sometimes encouraging short term pain for long term gain is the right thing for a friend to do.

I think a lot of jobs feel like slogging through treacle at this time of the year. Leaving in the dark, coming home in the dark, with the time in between dragging. I generally like my job and have been doing it for a few years, and I'm still finding it hard to get out bed and go. I'd encourage her to stick it out for a few more months at least - when the days start getting longer and you get a sense of spring on its way, it's easier to remember that there is a future that you want to work towards. If she still wants to leave in a few months, there is nothing to stop her then.

My friend tells me to dump my dp. She's honest. I'd like think I could say the same.
I do think it's important to have honesty in friendships, otherwise it's just blank faces with no interest or investment in each other. So saying "I know it's really hard but financially won't you be screwed if you quit? You told me a month ago how desperate you were to work, is there anything you could do here to fix how you feel about this job? Wouldn't it look better in your application forms if you looked whilst working here? Etc. That's the kind of conversations I'd have with my friends.

The problem is that underlying your support is this I suppose I'm a big believer in work for self esteem, keeping your brain active and for making life more interesting which is just awful. The assumption that a SAHP bit feel worthless, as their brain rots slowly from inactivity and boredom. You really think so little of your friend, that's she's just this brainless, boring lump unless she goes out and gets a jjob? I suspect your "support" channels how poorly you think of her and she just ends up feeling talked down too.
"get a job, then you too can be AWESOME like ME!!"

Amazing that she thinks she has a choice when she owes money. She sounds seriously irresponsible but ultimately it's nothing to do with you OP (unless she's specifically asked you for help).

I suppose I'm a big believer in work for self esteem, keeping your brain active and for making life more interesting.

How patronising to everybody who decides to sacrifice their 'brain' and 'interesting life' in order to stay at home and raise their children. You sound incredibly judgemental.

You should support your friend in whatever decision she makes - whatever your opinion may be on the matter.

I didn't/don't need work for self esteem. I was a very happy sahm