To feel let down by friend?

[changeisasgoodas]

I would appreciate opinions on whether I'm being over sensitive or not, as it's really been bugging me:

9 months ago I found a text on DH's phone to another woman. He admitted he'd been having an affair. Our marriage was over that night.

I was distraught. I messaged a friend who lives across the road to tell her what had happened and could I come round?

She sent me a text back saying yes, I could come round, but they were about to eat, so she'd let me know when it was convenient.

I was very hurt. If a friend sent me that text I would drop everything to be there for them. A therapist I saw a short while afterwards suggested she was being ' boundaried'and I needed to learn from her.

Was IBU to be hurt and feel let down by my friend?

But the 9 months thing isn't the friends fault, the OP says the friend has texted her a couple of times but the OP hasn't bothered with her at all due to being "so hurt" about this night.

The OP didn’t say that she hasn’t bothered with her. She said
“Although, to be fair, I haven't asked anything of her since as I was hurt that night.”

And her neighbour sent texts that she’ll pop around but never visits. Sounds like someone trying to keep a distance without being mean about it

I'm with you. This is a shit friend. I'd say "come over, we are about to eat, have a dinner with us". Feck, a heartbroken friend is facing a worse problem than someone having their dinner disrupted and having to share their chicken leg!!!

My friend came over across the entire London, from Croydon to Muswell Hill, when I phoned her crying and said my husband has just left. You never forget that and never abuse such kindness.

It's not her he's having the affair with is it?

All these people saying they'd "drop everything" - really? You're telling me that if you were at home sorting your kids out that you would just abandon everything at that very second to help a friend who was having what is not a life or death crisis, rather than saying give me an hour and then I can help?

It *is" a life crisis. I doubt OP gets cheated on monthly. And it wasn't as if she needed help with filling a tax form.
The "friend" has a husband ffs who can well handle kids himself (where is MN when you need it to tell that a man should be useful?! have we forgot what we are here for ;)) while she talks to OP.

The kids won't die or develop stammer and bedwetting for life and fail entering the university if they see a crying person coming to their home who is comforted by their parents. if anything they'll learn that crap happens and you should be kind.

it's not like that "friend" has 7 SN kids and 15 cats and was being burgled at that very moment. She probably was heating up some batch cooked crap in a microwave and wanted no bother.

Boundaries is telling a chatty neighbour "sorry, gotta run now, bye". Or to a pushy sales assistant "Please don't try to sell me stuff, I'm here browsing" or not handling your bank details or address to any random fucker with a clipboard on a street.

This behaviour of the neighbour is off-putting and harsh. She lives across the road for god's sake. I wouldn't have gone to her when it is "convenient".

Reading this thread, I'm quite glad I'm not close enough to anyone local (other than family) who might ring me in an emergency. Family is quite enough to be dealing with, thank you. DH's parents regularly fall over and break hips and so on. DF was very ill and died earlier this year. At one point DH was suddenly very ill and in hospital at the same time as DF. I can't imagine being able to help for large parts of this last year if a friend had phoned me. People have their own crises going on, they aren't just sitting around waiting for shit to happen.

@BloodyDisgrace

As an adult, I really wouldn’t expect anyone, to immediately ditch what they are doing to come and mop up my tears.

When anything hugely emotional has happened to me, sudden bereavements, being cheated on by a partner, news of terminal illness in the family, I have cried on my own, tried to make sense of the news I’ve received, and begun to regulate my own emotions and thoughts before then contacting the people I can rely on for support.

Friends are fabulous people to have around when you need emotional support, but I certainly can’t see why someone would need to be at my side at that very immediate moment!

The thing is, I would consider this friend's response to have been very kind; yes okay, the text was a bit matter of fact, but she certainly made up for it later.

Bloodydisgrace. I've had a few devastating moments in my life. I can quite honestly say that the last thing I have wanted in that moment is to eat, even more so with someone else's family, whilst feeling like my world had just crumbled.
Expecting someone to drop everything and fly round to their aide, for a non life threatening life event is a bit much. Fair enough if she's just wanting to watch the end of EastEnders, but we don't really know what was going on at that time, so you just have to take it at face value that it just wasn't convenient in that time.

Gonetoget

fair enough. You are more emotionally resilient and prefer to cope on your own. But OP must be different, otherwise she wouldn't have contacted her neighbour/friend. So she is a person who would love some quick, unconditional support. I take it, that as she asked for it, then this is exactly what she needs and what a good friend should give. And all in all, her crisis is more important than someone's dinner. Maybe if the said friend texted back "we're about to eat, but come in for a hug, or wait 20min till everyone clears off if you want more privacy" who knows, OP might have thought "er, I'd rather not face all that mob in this state and will come later". But in this way she would not have felt rebuffed, but given options. Or even if the friend asked "will you be ok for 20 min, and I pop in later?" - anything rather than that harsh slotting and making her feel she is in the queue for the- very-busy-person-who-is-constantly-multitasking-and-managing.

I also think that the therapist phrase is typical and indicative of modern therapy: no compassion, just "accept the shit and move on".

I think am coming round to the idea that language and tone of text was all wrong. But am also a bit mystified that the 'friend' thought using the word 'convenient' was totally inappropriate in the circumstances. And it doesn't sound like she cared much (Am I being unfair?) But was just doing her duty. I think the bottom line is that this all shows that your 'friend' isn't going to give you what you need so i would try to just focus on people who will. I blowtorched lots of friends who were judgemental when my relationship broke down. Or suggested I should take some of the blame for my failed relationship (My ex was an alcoholic. Who I supported through rehab twice but who failed to keep off the booze). But apparently feeling and getting angry with an alcoholic means I am equally unreasonable and should share the blame for breakdown. One 'friend' even suggested I might be menopausal and my hormones to blame. I blowtorched the lot of them. Turned to friends who did give me what I needed and made new friends. This woman, i think, just doesn't get it. Not in her emotional repertoire to understand or know how to respond. Not her fault. But bottom line, not capable of responding in the way you needed. I.e. make you feel supported. Does that ring true at all?

Honestly, she could have told you to come along and wait until the children had had their dinner to talk with you properly. I agree that telling someone to wait and come later is not really the right thing to do in what is clearly an emergency.

That said, people are sometimes odd. Perhaps she doesn't like having strangers over when they eat as a family or something.

“So she is a person who would love some quick, unconditional support.”

For that you ring your mother or your sister. No friendship is unconditional and if you think it is, you’re the one with boundary issues expecting waaaay too much from others.

She wanted to get of the house though, didn't she? And quickly? Who knows where the family members live. Not across the road, presumably.

Maybe it's a distraction though, to be focusing on the 'friend'. Who is not the devil but not someone who sounds like she doesnt understands how to give the support she needed. Perhaps not worth giving anymore headspace to? Instead, there's a different, painful grieving process to go through. Betrayal of husband. Cuts v deep. Not getting what you needed from someone who turns out not to be the type if friend you need. Whatever. Not in the grand scheme of things worth agonizing over. Launching yourself into what makes you feel better, time with true supportive friends and family and feeling all the horrible feelings you need to to process what he did is what I would try and focus on now.