To feel let down by friend?

[changeisasgoodas]

I would appreciate opinions on whether I'm being over sensitive or not, as it's really been bugging me:

9 months ago I found a text on DH's phone to another woman. He admitted he'd been having an affair. Our marriage was over that night.

I was distraught. I messaged a friend who lives across the road to tell her what had happened and could I come round?

She sent me a text back saying yes, I could come round, but they were about to eat, so she'd let me know when it was convenient.

I was very hurt. If a friend sent me that text I would drop everything to be there for them. A therapist I saw a short while afterwards suggested she was being ' boundaried'and I needed to learn from her.

Was IBU to be hurt and feel let down by my friend?

a text of "just about to eat, come in 15 ninutes" might have been better than "I'll text you back when its convenient" - but as long as she did text you back, given that she had children to feed & wasn't alone, she hardly abandoned you.

I would have been OMG, of course but let me feed the kids get them out of the way first. If you'd rocked up in the middle of dinner everyone would have wanted to know what was going on.
She was being practical? If i take care of this first you'll have my full attention...

OP - YANBU. Tone and wording of text was off. She could have said the same thing in a less dismissive way - eg oh change, that's awful - come round at [time]

Tone is hard in messages though, and writing something in the middle of a busy dinner time isn’t always easy. Actions speak louder than words. She had the op round that evening and was supportive.

Her primary responsibility is towards her kids. Getting her family fed first then having you over later when she can give you her full attention is being a good parent and friend imo. I can understand why you felt hurt, and I probably would have done so too, because you were hurting badly in that moment, and couldn't delay that for a couple of hours. But I agree with your therapist, she was just using good boundaries.

Wow that is cold! Not a good friend. I would have come over and got you , hubby could have sorted dinner. Pretty pathetic to be honest.

Sounds like a badly phrased, if reasonable text.

What seems more important is that it sounds like she has distanced herself from you since then, OP, and that's what's upset you?

I feel for you, it can be really hard to not have someone there for you when you need them, especially if you were counting on them.

I am wondering if there's a bit of transferring resentment/anger/loss and sadness at the loss of your husband, though. Maybe this is more grief from your break up, OP, than sadness at your friend, though I agree you maybe need to try and find some friends that are more supportive.

Sending you best wishes, and hope things start to look brighter for you soon. This time will pass, I promise. New year just around the corner.

I'm sorry about your husband. I don't think your friend was unreasonable at all. She made dinner for the family and was about to sit down to eat. You're upset that she didn't abandon dinner for you to come over and talk?! I think feeding the children and themselves is important, and once that's out of the way, she could have you over for an uninterrupted chat. Can you imagine not feeding the family, they're all waiting for you to leave so that they can eat?! Kids hanging around waiting to be fed, meanwhile listening to your (inappropriate) conversation?! I think she did the right thing and told you to come afterwards. You should learn from her. You have to prioritize yourself and family before others. You've cut off your nose to spite your face I'm afraid.

You dont know what pressures your friend was under to get the meal ready and so on.
I think it is quite reasonable for her to ask you to come round a little later.

So she asked you to wait an hour, or two whilst she had her dinner, presumably sorted out her kids, then you went round and in your own words she’s was very supportive and helpful.
I wonder if maybe you’ve been a bit off with her because of this perceived slight, when we feel that people don’t ‘like us’ we tend to back away ?
I don’t think she was unreasonable to ask you to wait for a couple of hours, if she was busy with something else. I would suggest you look at your own behaviour towards her after it. I’ve been in a similar situation and as much as it feels like your world has caved in, the world keeps turning and other people have their own shit to deal with and they can’t fill the void left by a relationship breakdown.

What about her DC and DH? Your friend possibly thought they needed to be fed and in bed before you came over. It wouldn't have been good for the DC to see you in your emotional state and could have greatly upset them.

It would have been different if you'd experienced something more tragic - like a sudden death.

The responses on here explain to me how people can walk past other people who are desperately ill or injured. I am disgusted by how callus and uncaring people are, while being proud of their 'good boundaries'.

@PurrBox but she wasn’t desperately ill or injured. I said in my post I had strong boundaries. By that, I meant I wouldn’t necessarily immediately drop everything for someone who had found her partner cheating. I would respond though and give her ongoing support, meet up regularly, check in texts/calls etc, but it’s not a life or death moment.

I would never walk past someone desperately ill or injured. I care deeply for others, I spend my days at work giving my all, emotionally and mentally to the children in my class. If I’d gotten home from a long day at work, cooked a meal and was just serving it up, then yes, I’d want to eat that meal, check in with DH and mentally regroup myself before having a friend come round and emotionally unload themselves.

If I was serving up said meal and ANYONE phoned saying they’d fallen down the stairs and couldn’t get up, I’d leave everything immediately to go and help.

I'd also assume that text messages are not about urgent stuff, or not even see it until after I'd finished making dinner. If someone wanted me urgently they'd phone.

I am with your friend here. If she had other responsibilities at that moment, she couldn't drop everything and sit with you (and a bottle of wine?) listening to your problems.
I would ask my friend to wait, too.

Ok so you’ve admitted it’s not really that night. It was her backing off for the next 9 months. Well, what happened to your marriage in those 9 months? Have you sold the house and moved? Are you still with your husband? Has he moved out?

Did you socialise as a couple and your husbands also knew each other?

It sounds like she’s backed away because of a messy divorce and trying to be neutral as a neighbour to your both while also trying to be your friend. It’s tricky. And messy.

And why I never ever ever strike up friendships with close neighbours. I have to live next to them

So you actually did go around? Why didnt you say that instead of a whole thread going on? She still made the time for you that very night and spent a few hours being there for you, even though she has young children and most probably needed to sort bedtime etc. I think yabu.
She needing to have dinner first might have been her seeing to her kids.

Yanbu. I would have dished an extra plate and made you welcome. But that's me, always room for another person if they are in need

""Sounds like a badly phrased, if reasonable text.""
I think I agree with this...that is the trouble with texts, they can be read in any tone and perhaps she didn't have enough time to think about phrasing it

You are absolutely right to think it was clumsy wording but following on from that She did contact you later as promised and gave you two hours of support which I think overweighs the text. It arrived when you were feeling vulnerable and perhaps affected you more than it might have ordinarily.

I'm not sure why you still feel that the text is more important than the support? Was her support helpful and kind to you at time or are you looking for reasons why she's been in less contact after that. Is it a case of you backing off after the text and waiting for her to get in touch?
There's several ways of looking at that, 1) she's giving you space and letting you come to her so as not to intrude or 2) she's giving you space because she finds it difficult to cope with the blow by blow of the difficulties you are encountering, some people do that when others have berevements and its not a great way to behave. 3) perhaps she's got her own troubles and couldn't cope 4) she's worried that you might rely too heavily on her and was setting boundaries 5) she's just not willing to be supportive.
Only you know the circumstances, but the only way you will find out is to, as pps have said, use Christmas as a chance to reconnect and talk to her - her attitude will soon become apparent and at least you will know. In the meantime, maybe look for others who can support you more effectively through this.

I think her actions on the night were reasonable enough. Since then, it sounds like she hasn't been particularly supportive. IME this happens, sorts the wheat from the chaff. No need to fall out with her as such. Sometimes IMHO it highlights unresolved issues in their relationships, that maybe they are uncomfortable thinking about 😢

Sorry but YABU. The only reason I would or have abandoned a family meal is medical emergencies. If she was just sitting down to eat what’s she supposed to do, stick the dinner back in the oven for 2 hours or sit eating her meal while you have a possibly inappropriate conversation at the dining table? Not to mention getting the 2 kids to bed afterwards which can a be horrendous and time consuming. Or just leave the kids hungry and climbing the walls all night? I know it seems pretty pedestrian but these things still need to happen when you have children and a routine. Plus, you don’t know what other stresses your friend has, she may also have elderly relatives relying on her?

I don’t think she was shit friend, as you admitted finally a few pages into the thread, she sat and listened for 2 hours afterwards. You are focusing on what could or could not be perceived as a slight, rather than the true villain, your cheating ExH.
If you have been off with her since because in your eyes she didn’t drop everything and come running that second, she has probably picked up on this and might feel a bit miffed herself, in her eyes she was the first person to offer help and now you’re grumpy with her. Stop projecting.

Sorry but I think you've got really crossed wires, you view her as a friend, she sees you as a neighbour/acquaintance.

This
Although you may think of her as a close friend, it seems to me that she has a different understanding of your relationship.
As a close friend she would have done all the things you expected, as an acquaintance she probably thinks she has been more than accommodating. To be fair to her if that is the case she probably doesn't want to get into the middle of a domestic situation.

what did you actually say in the text? Because actually the context of that is also key here

I don’t think she’s a shit friend, a fair weather friend or any of those mean things. I think she was trying to ensure OP didn’t walk into a house with children who would immediately run up to her and start talking, maybe she hadn’t eaten since 10 and just needed to throw some food down her neck?!

Let’s face it, if you’d text maybe 2 minutes later she might not have seen it until she finished her dinner anyway. Would that make her a shit friend too? Or just because she was honest that she wasn’t available right now that second?

I’m sorry about what happened OP but I think you’re transferring your hurt onto her.

I did go round that night when she said it was ok, and she was really supportive, I was there 1-2 hours I think.

Have the people who keep saying she is no friend/not a good person READ this ?

Just because she didn't instantly jump at the OPs clicked fingers doesn't make her a bad person

In fact it makes her a better friend because she cleared all the mundane shit she had to do first to give OP her full attention.

The neighbour, in that moment was dealing with her children, feeding them etc.
Actually quite reasonable to think, I'll get the children fed and sorted and then I can focus on upset friend.
Very reasonable I think. And it sounds like she was very supportive that evening.

However, in the past 9 months she has been in contact only a couple of times. This indicates to me that she is not a close friend and is putting distance between you.

Perhaps she just sees you as a nice neighbour and just can't be the emotional crutch that you may need.

Hence the term Fairweather Friend.

I do think you are conflating the two issues of husband and neighbour.

Wishing you the best going forward.
💐