To feel let down by friend?

[changeisasgoodas]

I would appreciate opinions on whether I'm being over sensitive or not, as it's really been bugging me:

9 months ago I found a text on DH's phone to another woman. He admitted he'd been having an affair. Our marriage was over that night.

I was distraught. I messaged a friend who lives across the road to tell her what had happened and could I come round?

She sent me a text back saying yes, I could come round, but they were about to eat, so she'd let me know when it was convenient.

I was very hurt. If a friend sent me that text I would drop everything to be there for them. A therapist I saw a short while afterwards suggested she was being ' boundaried'and I needed to learn from her.

Was IBU to be hurt and feel let down by my friend?

billy1966 Wed 11-Dec-19 22:32:15 OP, it sounds as if you were pally with a neighbour, sharing wine etc., but while you saw her as a close friend, she saw you as a friend of convenience, living nearby, similar families etc. Then your marriage suddenly goes south and you are not the package she thought you were. It's very hurtful but she is what I would describe as a fair weather friend, hence you haven't seen her since clouds have appeared in your life. It is hurtful, but try not to take it on board. She is not interested in being there for you. It happens. Hope you feel better soon.

This is spot on. A husband who cheats, friends who are not friends. Time to move on OP and find better people to fill your life.
Good luck!

I can't imagine receiving that phonecall and replying like that! In a situation like that I would drop what I was doing and be there for family and friends. Dh would do the same......

Not sure your OP was clear, as I think you're acknowledging. Friend couldn't see you the moment you called her, but she invited you round later and was supportive for a couple of hours. That in itself sounds reasonable, unless your expectations of this friendship are very different to that.
Sounds like you being upset with her is more to do with the last 9 months. You've obviously been going through a really tough time - where's your friend in all that?

I agree with @LazyDaisey, she probably wanted to be able to give you full attention not be distracted by cooking/kids/DH, all gawping at the crying neighbour. The very fact you texted and asked was it ok, rather than just turning up on her doorstep in floods probably indicated to her that it wasn’t absolutely mega-urgent but could wait an hour or two.

If you were previously good mates and you are missing her make Christmas the opportunity to reconnect. If you don’t think she’s worth it then your friendship proabanly wasn’t that deep to start with.

So sorry this happened. Must feel like a double blow for you. The shock of the affair and then the disappointment of a good friend letting you down - absolutely foul hun.

Is she friendly with your DH/exDH? Friendly enough to not want to get involved so as not to be seen to be taking sides?

Was her DH friendly with your DH/exDH? Could they have decided together to not get involved and not be seen to support you since it all happened?

Could she possibly have had her own suspicions before you found out and decided in advance thatshe did not want to get involved? As in, was she half expecting a text like that to come at some point so needed a few minutes to gather herself and just used that flimsy excuse that they were having dinner at the time?

I've had friends let me down like this in my hour of need and it really, really hurts. I never felt the same about them again.

I hope it gets easier and that you can move on from it all x

OP what are your boundaries like with people do you automatically put them first even if it meant putting yourself, your children and your partner out. She sorted herself out so she could give you 1/2 uninterrupted hours

And you messaged as well not phone call? That could make a difference as well

I think you over reacted, (& I’ve been in your situation), she did see you later that evening and you say she was supportive, you can’t expect people to drop everything, I think it’s quite reasonable to have said something like ‘give me an hour and we can get together’.

And have you really let the friendship drift over this?

YANBU, I've dropped everything for friends for less! I'd be pretty hurt.

Crikey! If I'd given an hour or two of my evening at very short notice to listen to a friend's troubles I'd be somewhat surprised to find myself described as "a shit shit friend". Wow. Needy or what?

I think people have missed this...
I did go round that night when she said it was ok, and she was really supportive, I was there 1-2 hours I think.

It wasn’t an absolute emergency. The friend was supportive that evening.

The op was expecting too much.

Am I right in thinking this was nine months ago? What’s made you post about it now?

@purple- I was wondering if people had missed that too in their haste to call ‘shit friend’. But OP also said earlier that she realised it’s the lack of contact over the past 9 months that had hurt her more. Not sure she’s said any more about that though.

Its 9 months later,time to let it drop.

I think I could have asked you to wait too. I'd have wanted to get everyone out the way before asking you over. Her kids are young so having them there eating could have been tricky. Making you wait a little while meant she could concentrate on you properly.
Also, you said she hasn't contacted you much since but that was because she had probably picked up on your hurt and you haven't asked anything if her. So it seems unfair to be annoyed that she hasn't been in contact. If you weren't happy with her helping the first time I'd be thinking you didn't want me offering again.

All this bollocks about boundaries and stuff! If you considered her a friend rather than just a neighbout then I think you are right to be really hurt by her reaction. I think you needed a hug there and then and a gin and a chat and then a hot chocolate. This sort of thing is hopefully once in a lifetime for you. She should have been there for you straight away. That is what I would call a friend. Even if she were just a neighbour I would expect similar to be honest! YANBU.

Jesus I'd drop everything for my neighbours if that happened and I only know them to have a brief chat with. I would be hurt too. I know we're constantly under pressure as women to do things for others and put ourselves last. But in this situation I think putting a friend in distress ahead of dinner when their dad was there would be the thing a good friend did.

The question is why the lack of contact over the 9 months. Is it chicken or egg?
Is she being off with you because you are being off with her because of that night?

She may have felt she couldn’t give you enough attention if you came over in the middle of her feeding her kids& DH.
She also may have felt the subject might not have been the sort for little ears.

She asked you to come later so she could give you her full attention and not be interrupted.
If you were that good a friend you might have realised this.

But the OP messaged to me a message says I need to talk but not urgently so getting the stuff out of the way then give you by attention. She didn’t ring in floods of tears to be told I will let you know when it’s convenient

Did you have to wait long?

I can see why if you were going to her it might not have been immediately convenient.

I would probably have been straight over to you though if that was a possibility.

Mmm. This is difficult. I’m sure that if someone phoned me, I’d say come round. But, I was thinking, I’d NEVER expect anyone to drop everything if something happened to me. The reality is with kids and family, sometimes it’s really hard, nearly impossible to do that. And, it’s difficult to be supportive and give full attention if you have your mind on several other things you should be doing.

The fact that you went round later THAT SAME DAY and she was supportive, I’d say makes her a really good friend.

I’ve had two bereavements, and was gobsmacked that some local “friends” didn’t even bother to phone. A text a week later from one was a real eye opener.

Bloody hell, I wouldn't really consider my neighbour a friend (we're just friendly) and she sent me that text I'd tell her to come right round and I'd have a bottle of wine open.

I personally don't see anything wrong with this, despite having poor mental health (complex PTSD and ME). Parents of young children can't just drop everything easily. I have 2 adopted DDs of 10 and 7, who can be very demanding because of attachment issues and DD1 having SEN as well.

DD1 has violent meltdowns, where she'll throw whatever is to hand (she kicked her iPad viciously and broke it recently. She's also tried to hit me with a rounders bat in the past.

If I were to receive a message from you at moments like that, it simply wouldn't be possible to drop everything. I'd send you a supportive message saying that you could come round in a bit. It isn't about being a 'shit friend', though it sounds like she hasn't been a good friend since.

What can happen at difficult times is that we project our anger at the wrong person. It was your DH you were angry with and your friend caught the brunt of it, probably unfairly IMO (obviously I don't know this, but I think this is where you give a friend the benefit of the doubt).

I'm sorry you've had to go through what you have, though, OP.

Mmm, I think the wording of her text was cold but she did see you that night and was sympathetic so maybe you should have just forgotten about it by now! I would've said come over, got the wine out and left my husband in charge of the kids.

Yes it's true about the way the text appears slightly cold. I would send someone a very sympathetic text, like 'I'm truly sorry, that's awful.' I think maybe that's why it caused an overreaction from the OP?