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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel let down by friend?

140 replies

changeisasgoodas · 11/12/2019 20:42

I would appreciate opinions on whether I'm being over sensitive or not, as it's really been bugging me:

9 months ago I found a text on DH's phone to another woman. He admitted he'd been having an affair. Our marriage was over that night.

I was distraught. I messaged a friend who lives across the road to tell her what had happened and could I come round?

She sent me a text back saying yes, I could come round, but they were about to eat, so she'd let me know when it was convenient.

I was very hurt. If a friend sent me that text I would drop everything to be there for them. A therapist I saw a short while afterwards suggested she was being ' boundaried'and I needed to learn from her.

Was IBU to be hurt and feel let down by my friend?

OP posts:

isitxmasyet · 11/12/2019 21:55

Yanbu

She could have handled it a bit better.

You needed immediate support and I’m sure she could have made you a cuppa whilst she fed the kids Or even left her DH to do that and taken her own meal to eat on the sofa or whatever whilst she listened to you.
It’s one tea time for her in a lifetime of them but was a life changing event for you.

Tbh sounds like she’s been rubbish since then which is why you are focusing on this now I guess and I completely understand that

Do you think she feels awkward as they know your DH? Maybe she is worried she would have to take sides? (That annoys me btw as I think adults should be capable of listening and being supportive even if they don’t have a ‘side’.)

I hope you have other people around you who are being kind and helping you in what sounds like a horrible shitty time.

helpwithhouse · 11/12/2019 21:57

I’ll be honest, it’s things like this we find really difficult.

We’re all being told the importance of self care, looking after our own mental health, saying no if we need to.
Then this woman just said she wasn’t available at that precise moment and she’s being called a terrible friend?

I’m so sorry for what’s happened to you OP. But maybe she had a crisis that day too. Maybe her and her DP we’re having an argument. Maybe she had another friend on the phone crying about a problem she’s having. Maybe she had had a bad day and just needed half an hour to collect herself. Or, of course, maybe she’s just a dick. The fact is, no-one knows.

I would say if the friendship doesn’t seem as strong then maybe she is moving on, but don’t let that one episode affect a friendship that was otherwise good.

CobaltLoafer · 11/12/2019 21:58

I think maybe your ‘levels’ of friendship weren’t matched (i.e. you felt closer than she did); or she finds emotions difficult for her own reasons and was trying to deflect you; or she wanted the kids out of the way in bed before you came round and they witnessed your devastation?

I think the ship has sailed whatever the answer. I can’t imagine doing it, but I can imagine some people who would...

Yesmate · 11/12/2019 22:00

She’s a shit friend. Please don’t still be bothered about this 9 months on. Delete, block and move on.

squaresandsquares · 11/12/2019 22:00

YANBU
Shit shit friend.

VanyaHargreeves · 11/12/2019 22:05

Quite amazed by the numbers of people who think not dashing her dinner in the bin and instantly throwing her door open makes her a shit person !

DeathStare · 11/12/2019 22:06

I really don't get why this makes her a shit shit friend. Nobody even knows what was going on in her life, what the other demands on her at that time were, whether she was tired, or ill or feeling stressed. Nobody knows whether she was actually in a position to drop everything immediately. Nobody knows whether she needed that time to make space for the OP to be able to talk privately. Because nobody bothered to ask her about her own life... yet SHE is the shit shit friend ?????

oncemorewithfeeling99 · 11/12/2019 22:21

I don’t think she was unreasonable since she did get back to you the same night to say come over. She wasn’t trying to avoid you.

billy1966 · 11/12/2019 22:32

OP, it sounds as if you were pally with a neighbour, sharing wine etc., but while you saw her as a close friend, she saw you as a friend of convenience, living nearby, similar families etc.

Then your marriage suddenly goes south and you are not the package she thought you were.

It's very hurtful but she is what I would describe as a fair weather friend, hence you haven't seen her since clouds have appeared in your life.

It is hurtful, but try not to take it on board.
She is not interested in being there for you. It happens.

Hope you feel better soon.

Doobigetta · 11/12/2019 22:35

Why does being a good friend mean you have to bin your dinner? Maybe it had taken ages to get ready or cost loads. Maybe she had just been looking forward to it all afternoon. I don’t think it’s being a very good friend to respond to “I’ll be with you in half an hour, as soon as I’ve finished eating” with angry muttering about forget it, you clearly don’t care, I’m nothing to you. Apart from anything else, I am far better at support and sympathy on a full stomach.

Hazardexhausted · 11/12/2019 22:44

I personally would have welcomed you right away but I don't have kids and as others have said young children need watching at meal times.

The 9 months since then? When you break up with someone couplely friends can drift and she's drifted. She was a fair weather friend.

misspiggy19 · 11/12/2019 22:44

@billy1966 has it spot on

gobbynorthernbird · 11/12/2019 22:55

I think your friend was being sensible, and in a no-win situation. What if she'd have told you to go straight round, and she was trying to comfort you while keeping half an eye on the DC, or making sure the wet washing ot hung out, making packed lunches, wolfing down her egg and chips? She wouldn't have been able to give you her full attention.

OldElPasoHadAChicken · 11/12/2019 22:59

I have a friend who is very emotionally draining. Boundaries are good. She knows I won't come running without a good reason and has learnt I can see through what she says.

Boundaries are healthy. If you were one of my friends, then I'd either say to come over and wait or have some food and that you can have a proper chat once the kids are down, or I'd have said what your friend did.

I wasn't born with boundaries, I'm shit with them, I've had to learn via all the hard ways how and why to have them.

It's not that she didn't care. If your leg was hanging off then I'm sure she would have dropped everything. I would do and I have done (wasn't a leg). It's not always as straight forward as it might appear to others, for someone to just stop and disappear. You've said she did tell you when she was finished, so she definitely cared.

I'm really sorry for what you went through and I hope it's easier now. As for your relationship with your friend, I'm guessing she was able to realise you felt negatively about her response and action, and has pulled back as a result.

I would just arrange to see her, spill your feelings, but with an open mind to her having done the sensible thing.

Original poster

changeisasgoodas · 11/12/2019 23:20

Thanks for all your replies. It's good to make me think about her point of view. As a PP says, that ship has sailed now anyway, for whatever reason.

OP posts:

Sic99 · 11/12/2019 23:21

YANBU. I wouldn't have thought twice about inviting you over for supper. And to stay the night. It's not your washing machine that's broken down, FFS. I would feel v let down. Sorry

DeckTheHalls2019 · 12/12/2019 04:53

Maybe she presumed you would be in a highly emotional state, given the circumstances, and thought it best to hold off for an hour until her family were finished their dinner and out of the way to give you a bit of privacy.

Juliette20 · 12/12/2019 05:01

If someone was in immediate danger they could come round. Anything else can wait until after I've eaten my dinner.

PhilCornwall1 · 12/12/2019 05:06

Her focus was on her family first and from my point of view that's the right thing to do.

Jengnr · 12/12/2019 05:22

She’s a shit friend. You’re better off without her.

Littlemeadow123 · 12/12/2019 05:31

How old are her children? You haven't answered that question. Are they really young? If so then as others have said, it is understandable why she wanted to get them fed first. Or maybe one walked in from school and said they were being bullied? No matter how good a friend she thinks you are, that would take precedence over you. Maybe her husband had a bad day? It's a bit unfair to just assume that her and her family's day was going absolutely perfectly and she just couldn't be bothered to see you. You don't know the full bsckstory and what problems might have arisen.

Same goes for the other times she has told you to wait before coming around. She has her own life and her own schediles and issues to work around

DickAmbush · 12/12/2019 05:38

Wow. Nobody on here can gauge if she truly is a 'shit, shit friend'. For all we know - and I'm not saying this is the case - this could be the latest in a long line of personal disasters for the OP, and the friend/neighbour was actually asserting boundaries. Maybe she's had a lot of stuff unloaded onto her by OP, and she's drained by it all. We just don't know.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, OP. It's beyond shit. But your friend did offer to see you that night, but at a time that was more convenient, and probably when she was able to give you her full attention. I know if it was my friend in your situation, I'd want my focus to be entirely on her, and not be distracted by clamouring DC.

If the ship has sailed and you're irreparably hurt by the way she handled your upset, then you're right to withdraw from the friendship and not rely on her for emotional support. At the same time, it's not fair for anyone else on here to get the pitchforks out and denounce your friend as an unfeeling, self-absorbed shit of a woman. We don't know her, or you for that matter.

redcarbluecar · 12/12/2019 05:48

So you wanted to see her at that time, she said she would let you know a more convenient time and later she did, but by then you were too upset/hurt to see her- is that right?
I’m not sure that what she did/said was that bad- the fact that she lives so near to you doesn’t mean she’s obliged to drop everything the moment you call. You also imply that she’s been supportive to you in the past. However it sounds as though there are more issues with the friendship, at least from your perspective , than this one thing 9 months ago. Nevertheless, on the basis of this one thing (and very little context) you’ve managed to get people to call her a ‘shit friend’. Is that the reassurance you were after? Or are you hoping for encouragement and advice to repair a difficult friendship?
Whatever the case, hope you can work through this and that you are ok.

Soffy · 12/12/2019 05:49

Its not so much her actions on the night, as perhaps she wanted to get dinner out of the way before she spoke to you. But the fact she has only been in touch twice since speaks volumes. You're at a vulnerable point so I know this is hard to hear , but you need to move on as it looks as though she didn't consider the friendship as close as you do.

Apolloanddaphne · 12/12/2019 05:57

I think I may have done the same as your neighbour. My thinking would been that the dinner was almost ready, I could get everyone fed and sorted out, kids to bed or upstairs, DH primed to stay out the way etc then I would have the space to speak to you properly. It sounds like you both deal with things differently.

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