To feel let down by friend?

[changeisasgoodas]

I would appreciate opinions on whether I'm being over sensitive or not, as it's really been bugging me:

9 months ago I found a text on DH's phone to another woman. He admitted he'd been having an affair. Our marriage was over that night.

I was distraught. I messaged a friend who lives across the road to tell her what had happened and could I come round?

She sent me a text back saying yes, I could come round, but they were about to eat, so she'd let me know when it was convenient.

I was very hurt. If a friend sent me that text I would drop everything to be there for them. A therapist I saw a short while afterwards suggested she was being ' boundaried'and I needed to learn from her.

Was IBU to be hurt and feel let down by my friend?

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like by replying that you could come round when I’d finished dinner WAS ‘dropping everything’.

I wouldn’t expect my even my absolute bestie to literally open the door that exact minute. I also wouldn’t expect her to ditch any plans to be immediately available for me in an emotional crisis, nor would she expect that of me (and we both have faced some big ones over the years we’ve been friends).

I have big boundaries and am quite self reliant in a crisis, when something horrible happens, I tend to deal with the huge feelings alone and then contact friends after to meet to digest/distract/whatever, I guess I would expect my friends to behave similarly to me. It’s not right or wrong, just different expectations.

YABU. Other people have needs too.

Would you feel.oess hurt if she had worded it differently ? Something along the lines of no wires, wait till I get the kids fed and bedded then I'll test you and you can pop right over.

I personally don't think there's anything wrong with her response however I can see why you're hurt if you have certain expectations of friends that's they'll drop everything immediately in your time of need. Perhaps this is what you'd do for your friends. Everyone has different expectations of friendships and relationships.

Sorry, numerous typos in my comment above, I've literally just woken up. I hate how you can't edit on mumsnet!

To me 'can I come over now' would be reserved for times when there was a risk of harm. In your circumstances I would have asked can I come over when the children are in bed, I wouldn't want them to see me upset or disrupt their evening routine.

I would drop everything if I received a text like that, even if it was for someone I didn’t know well! She is not a friend.

I was in the fence until I read your updates: she’s not a ‘good’ friend and either you see your ‘friendship’ very differently to how she sees it or she’s just utterly shite at being a friend. Either way, lower your expectations, put her on the ‘acquaintance’ list and move on. Ruminating is only hurting you.

And as someone said above - even if it was just an aquaintance I’d likely still drop everything for something like that text from a woman I knew - but that’s just me (and you by the sounds of it). You can’t expect others to be like you, if that’s the case - that way lies disappointment and blows to your self-esteem.

I am sorry your ex cheated and left, and know you must have been extremely upset. But was it so urgent that you needed rush immedietly over, then and there? It wasn't an actual emergency like you were rushing to the hospital and the kids would alone, for example. I think you may have been so upset over your dh's rejection of you, that your feelings were overly hurt by your friend being unavailable.

Excuse poor editing please.

I don’t think she was being a shit friend, she was there for you just after she had her dinner, would you have wanted to drink wine and be with her all evening? I would rather have eaten and be able to fully focus on listening to you after
Do you think you are projecting some of your anger from your ex at her?

I'm not sure. if she wanted to eat get her pots done and get the kids to bed so you can come around and have a proper talk, that's reasonable. Maybe she needed a quick tidy up and was in her PJ's and hair scraped back relaxed and wanted to get herself sorted out first. Just an idea although I could be wrong. I'd be like that though. I'd always care but with two kids I can't always just be available that minute.

P.s I'm sorry your partner did that to you. I went through the same in 2010. We seperated in my case. He was never going to Change. I'm with someone now 7.5 years and he's never been secretive or private with his phone etc. X

Ehhh, if I was on the verge of sitting down to eat with my family, I’d ask you to hang fire as well. Not because dinner itself is the be all and end all but because everyone would be gathering, milling around, there would be activity and tasks going on...really not a great time to give you my undivided attention, which a situation like that would merit.

I think yabu. She’s not a ‘shit shit friend’...she most likely wanted to make appropriate space for your crisis and dinner time wasn’t it.

Sorry you felt so dejected over it though. Xx

“I think I may have done the same as your neighbour. My thinking would been that the dinner was almost ready, I could get everyone fed and sorted out, kids to bed or upstairs, DH primed to stay out the way etc then I would have the space to speak to you properly. It sounds like you both deal with things differently.”

This,

If your neighbour has been a good friend before and after, then let it go. Your dh was the one in the wrong, not the neighbour. Don’t focus on the wrong enemy.

I would drop everything for a stranger who was having a life changing crisis, let alone for a friend.

If her tone had been: "Oh My God, I am so sorry, Give me 20 minutes to get my kids out of the way, and then come here, stay with us, or do you want me to come over to you? Could you eat something? I will be ready really soon, and then will be here for you all night." That would be fine, but anything less than that is pretty uncaring when someone's entire world is falling apart.

The responses on here explain to me how people can walk past other people who are desperately ill or injured. I am disgusted by how callus and uncaring people are, while being proud of their 'good boundaries'.

I was returning from work at 11.45pm when I saw my DH leaving another woman's house. I immediately called my best friend who told me to come straight round. That's what close friends do.

I think your friend has been unreasonably slated on this thread.

She messaged you basically to tell you she wasn't available right that second, but she's let you know when they were ready. Why is she such a shit friend for asking for a bit of time to sort some other stuff out before you came round?

All these people saying they'd "drop everything" - really? You're telling me that if you were at home sorting your kids out that you would just abandon everything at that very second to help a friend who was having what is not a life or death crisis, rather than saying give me an hour and then I can help? What nonsense. I would do anything to help my friends, but the ones who's ask are the ones who appreciate it's entirely ok to say - I'm in the middle of something, can you give me an hour or so and then you'll have my undivided attention.

Do you have many friends who you hold to this incredibly high standard of dropping everything immediately to help you?

I think your therapist was right.

Thanks all. Food for thought. I didn't post wanting her to be slated, called a "shit friend," I wanted some perspective, to be told if IWBU.

Yes, I think I am possibly projecting my anger from my ex onto her.

And yes, I probably do have unrealistic expectations of others. I would have reacted very differently. Doesn't mean I'm right to do that.

I've realised that what I'm actually more upset about is the lack of contact over the last 9 months rather than that night.

OP, what actually happen later on that night when your friend messaged you?

I can't say I wouldn't do the same as your friend in this instance. I have done the drop everything and help a friend that very instant thing so many times, only for some friends to go back to thier partner and repeat the process again and again (I know this didn't happen in your case but how was she to know). Each time it happened my family were disrupted in some way and I found it emotionally draining. I think it's fair that she sorts her own family out first to enable her to give you her undivided attention, I might take a leaf out of her book in the future.

I did go round that night when she said it was ok, and she was really supportive, I was there 1-2 hours I think.

I agree with PPs that’s she may have had her own problems going on at that time- and she didn’t want to let you down, which is why she did ask you to come round, but she needed a bit of time to gather herself together.

I have had similar with friends, where I haven’t told them the full extent of family issues, and sometimes found it difficult to be as available as they want or need me to be, as I’m struggling with my own stuff.

I think it’s ok for friendships to be more distant for a while (obviously not ideal but we are not Year 4 girls who are either best friends or not friends!) and in my experience you can get the closeness back.

I think it’s good you seem reflective and balanced about this, now you have had more space and time. I would reflect on if you want the closeness back and if you do, move past this.

Sorry OP but you are right - that is no 'friend'.

I don't think your friend was being unreasonable. She's signed up to being your friend, with an expectation of supporting you, but her DH and children haven't. It's not fair to expect to disrupt the whole family's meal. She spent 1-2 hours with you afterwards. This wasn't a time-limited emergency - all she can do is offer you a listening ear - having dinner first isn't going to change what she can do.

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time, OP.

I actually don’t think it was “dinner” but rather she didn’t want you coming in and having an emotional breakdown in front of her children. You didn’t ask her to come over or meet you somewhere... you wanted to come into her home and unload this huge emotional thing that just happened to you - and possibly even ask if you could stay the night, for all she knew. So you were really not only asking her to drop everything but for her entire family to drop everything and make themselves scarce upstairs.