Inconsiderate Men on maternity ward!

[busylifebusywife]

I've had a placenta abruption and I'm currently on bed rest on the maternity ward that women go to for induction and when the are poorly during pregnancy.

My hospital has new rules where partners can stay over night which is fine I don't really mind, what I do mind is that some of the men especially seem to be so inconsiderate! Having their mobiles going off on loud constantly playing there devices at full wack, getting there male friends to visit. Yesterday two guys in the cubical next to me decided to lift the curtain completely up and go underneath it exposing me and just laugh about it.

Now I'm not a midwife but I do know for a women's labour to progress nicely they need to feel secure and relaxed. How is this creating that environment?

I really don't mind male visitors or males staying on the ward over night I just wish they would be more courteous of others.

I'm starting to get really upset by it as I'm in a lot of pain and supposed to be on bed rest.

AIBU?

I had this issue too. I was induced and was in labour and there was no space in a delivery suite, so had to go through most of my labour in a grubby, disgusting six bed ward chock full of male visitors.

One actually complained that I was screaming too loud for him to hear the football he had blaring on his phone. One guy in the next bay had spread out so much and moved his chair so far that he'd encroached into our bay to the point that the curtain was bunched off the ground and I couldn't use the right side of my bed because he'd parked his chair so far back. I was naked from the waist down, being examined and the curtain didn't even close properly because of the arsehole space invader in the bay next door.

I begged and begged and begged for privacy and the midwives just told me that they couldn't do anything about it. At one point I locked myself in the toilet so that I could labour in private on the floor of the toilet.

It's a complete disgrace. No dignity, no privacy. I still have nightmares.

Maternity wards should not be communal under any circumstances, they should be private rooms only, then people could have their partners present without violating the privacy and dignity of other women.

Last baby born in 2000 in Ireland,and I would DARE any man to try and stay overnight on that ward with the formidable ward sister we had!

My daughter was born in 1996 in London and there was no way partners were allowed in outside visiting hours, and Woe betide any man who went wandering!

One man did and a nurse bellowed at him "This isn't a Zoo! These women aren't exhibits! Stay with your wife please."

How times have changed.

@Indella - in your experience, as a guesstimate percentage, how many women have their partners stay overnight?

Obviously the posts here are overwhelmingly negative but there must be some demand from women for this [men staying overnight] to have been offered in the first place?

These stories make me rage. Men should not be on a maternity ward for more than a few hours a day and certainly not overnight.

I also don't believe when midwives say there's nothing they can do or they won't challenge them. They soon get their nerve when they tell a woman in agony that no she can't have pain relief. Why not apply that chutzpah to the men being rude?

Maternity wards need a huge overhaul and quite simply, at the very least

1. No males overnight, unless in private rooms at the approval of the patient
2. No kicking mum and baby out after 2 hours. Women need rest, not being pushed home to do childcare and chores after and long and exhausting experience
3. Listen to women - when they're in labour, when they recovering, at all times. TRUST they know their bodies.
4. Attitude changes - some midwives (most midwives) I've met we're terrible. The whole system is steeped in misogyny.
5. Better support with feeding. Actual knowledgable support. It's not hard for midwives to learn how a woman should breastfeed.
6. Upskill midwives

It's a real bug bear of mine, postnatal wards are the very epitome of a patriarchal byproduct and i feel if we got postnatal care right then women's mental health would improve tenfold

Oh and to add to my list...

1. Standardised visiting hours on postnatal ward - something like 9am-9pm for partners but with a 2 hour break so women can rest. Then an hour for other visitors. A man's right to see the baby he will see every day of his life going forward does not trump a patient's right to recuperate properly.

Obviously the posts here are overwhelmingly negative but there must be some demand from women for this [men staying overnight] to have been offered in the first place?

Having formerly worked in the NHS, it's all about the question they pose women - "Would you like your partner to be able to stay with you overnight". What a lovely thought for most women. There's never a part 2 to the question - "Do you want other people's partners in the same room as you overnight?". And it really doesn't occur to people that that will happen too

4. Attitude changes - some midwives (most midwives) I've met we're terrible. The whole system is steeped in misogyny.

Could you elaborate on this?

My experience was quite the opposite.

I think the partners are there to do the caring that has been cut from the midwifery budget. My hospital allows partners to stay now but didn’t four years ago.

If I was a FTM it would be great, but when you have kids at home and your partner needs to care for them, it’s not a nice prospect sleeping in a room with lots of random men on your own

Oh my god Sssneks. That is appalling. I think I would have thrown that fuckers phone at the wall! I had my two a good few years ago in Dublin and there was a very strict visiting system. A security guard handed out two passes per bed and if 4 people came in together 2 had to wait back until the other two came back out. And it was a set period of time too 2 x 2 hours I think. And security went around to make sure the visitors weren't there after visiting hours were finished. Partners got sent home as well unless the woman was in labour.

Good quality care should not be down to whether or not a woman has someone to advocate on her behalf

Brava!

And with all due respect to anyone saying they needed their man there - you'd have coped without him. You'd have had to. If you were single, or widowed, or he'd had a car crash whilst you were in labour - you'd have coped. And for the anomalies who may just have had a significant difference to them or their baby because their OH raised an issue - that's not enough to compromise the safety and privacy of the thousands or other women who give birth every year

I’d go a size far as to say visiting should happen in another room. The ward should be for recovery. It should be a men free zone apart from staff. Have a visiting room where women who want to can go or be taken in wheelchairs if necessary with their babies to see family. Not the room where they sleep and feed and change and get examined. That is not conducive to rest and recovery. There should be a line between the two. Women in private wards could have their visitors there but the open ward should not be a free for all.

God, I really hope this won't turn into a midwife vs new mothers debate.

Midwives are undoubtedly underpaid and completely overworked which is a disgrace.

I don't think it's fair, however, for women who have had terrible and sometimes traumatising experiences to be beaten over the head with this on every thread about pre and post-natal care.

as far

With both of my kids I had emergency c-sections at around 7pm. After both, I sent my husband home to get some sleep at about 10pm (I got back to the ward at about 8pm and we had a couple of hours as a family and making sure I was OK before deciding we all needed some sleep).
However, it was an absolute nightmare trying to get anyone to help me with my baby once he was gone. Completely numb from the ribs down, cannulas and tubes in both arms, unable to even sit up, let alone lift the baby from his cot, and nobody would answer my calls for help. Me and the baby both cried and I just wished that my husband had been there to at least hand me the baby so I could feed him. More than one midwife expressed surprise and even slight annoyance that my husband wasn't there to help me as they "didn't want to be running backwards and forwards all night" while I muddled through trying to breastfeed.

Self-dishcharged the next day because fuck it, my husband was far more use to me than the midwives. I don't blame them, they were understaffed and overworked, but they were clearly relying on partners to be helping overnight.

I will always remember when I had my son 3 years, and was on the post natal ward , the man who was in the next cubicle to me asked the woman in the cubicle opposite to his partner if she could go and make him a cup of tea
I was outraged on her behalf
She was in shock as much as I was as he didn't even know her and she had just given birth

@SpicyRibs with all my children I was belittled in labour, told I didn't need to push (resulting in a nasty tear as no time for an episiotomy) and when they checked me I was crowning, blamed for my retained placenta, and that was all before postnatal ward. Which was even worse - I was accused of theft my a midwife (and had no apology when I proved the thermometer I was "stealing" was mine from home) my DD referred to as "it", absolutely NO breastfeeding support except "just give her a bottle it won't harm her", no details whatsoever about my care, I wasn't even told they'd put a catheter in me after my surgery, so when I turned it came out and I got told off, when lunch came I was told to walk despite having had surgery so I literally couldn't feel my legs - I had to fucking argue to get my lunch handed to me, post-surgery and post-birth and absolutely ravenous.

This was 6 and 3 years ago

Ironically the only midwife who ever shows compassion and kindness and gentility was Male - he was lovely, looked after me postnatally for a few hours when I had DS and was superb

It's a disgrace.
Its a cost saving exercise, meaning less nurses and widwives need to be salaried and the menz can look after the womenfolk instead.

My opinion is probably unpopular but personally I can’t stand any visitors on shared maternity wards. Men, women, children or otherwise.

I was in a shared ward when I had my youngest. There were 3 other women on the ward in a pretty small room. I had a traumatic birth, and had to deal with screaming toddlers opening my curtain, a massive family with 500 visitors at once, a lady who’s husband refused to leave after visiting hours and caused a scene, my own fucking relatives rocking up unannounced and uninvited, it was hell.

I discharged myself early because it was beyond a joke, and ended up back in hospital 8 days later with a massive infection.

Tell your visitors to fuck off shared wards!

I will await my public execution

I had my first baby nearly 26 years ago. The conditions on the labour ward and then afterwards meant that I rang my DH at 6am ( the earliest I felt I could ) to come and take me home
I had a home birth for my second baby.

Please tell me where the nurses/midwives are?? They seem all so meek and mild (don't give a fuck) to lay down any rules or boundaries. Shame on the staff.

Standardised visiting hours on postnatal ward - something like 9am-9pm for partners but with a 2 hour break so women can rest. Then an hour for other visitors

I disagree - standard visiting hours and limitations in respect of ALL visitors .

Mine is a very unique and personal story, but I was a single Mum (man vanished when I told him I was pregnant) and i found it extremely upsetting seeing other mothers with their partners there for support. I understand that's a selfish viewpoint I'm coming from, but it was my experience nonetheless. I cried and cried when the baby blues hit on day 3.

My aunt was a breastfeeding specialist in the hospital where I gave birth and she campaigned for reduced visiting hours so the Mums could sleep/establish feeding. Her policy was brought in.
I know mine is I suppose a mental health aspect/personal circumstances, but for me, men on the ward was not conducive to my recovery.
I was also the only woman on my ward breastfeeding and found it hideous, even in front of women, when on the morning my milk came in, walking to the bathroom and my boobs started leaking. I didn't realise until I got to the bathroom and looked in the mirror why one woman was staring at me (and gratefully giving her baby a bottle while looking at me with sympathy or horror).
It's not a place to have other women's husbands/partners. Not when you're discussing bleeding nipples, mastitis, cabbage leaves in nappies, bowel movements (or lack of them), urination, wounds (c-section), and bleeding post birth. It's just not.
I would happily campaign for strict visiting hours only. That you have a wonderful caring husband does not trump my need for dignity and a non intrusive experience.

Would you go to your GP and have a frank discussion with them in an open waiting room about the lump on your labia? If not, then men should not be allowed on wards. Patients only and visiting times should be limited.

And I'm sorry, but like another poster said, men on wards is a bit like food banks.

Shouldn't exist.
I'm delighted that you have a lovely snoring useless eunuch of a supportive partner who can ring your bell on your behalf, but not all women do, and we don't want to have to expose our most sensitive vulnerabilities to an audience.
As for men walking around in boxers? I'd have whacked them with my catheter bag full of piss.

Another thing I see every single day is when you knock on the door of a private room the husband answers and won’t let you in to see the patient... like he will physically block the door and when you ask the patient a question he will answer you!! So I continue to speak to the patient and await a reply from her but he doesn’t take the hint... also private room doesn’t mean it’s paid for most of them are free because the woman has an infection etc. Also men sleep in the bed while the mother sits in the chair with the baby... some of the mums are just as bad. You ask the patient if she would like something to eat/drink and she will say yes il have a tea and toast and cornflakes for example and then turns to her husband and says what would you like babe... then it gets very awkward for me as I have to explain we only provide food and drink for patients then it becomes an argument as if it’s my own personal choice and I can control the rules! You then get men coming to ask for lunch.... again no mate you aren’t a patient here ffs. The most irritating thing has to be when the man won’t let the patient speak and answers all questions himself... It really angers me.