Inconsiderate Men on maternity ward!

[busylifebusywife]

I've had a placenta abruption and I'm currently on bed rest on the maternity ward that women go to for induction and when the are poorly during pregnancy.

My hospital has new rules where partners can stay over night which is fine I don't really mind, what I do mind is that some of the men especially seem to be so inconsiderate! Having their mobiles going off on loud constantly playing there devices at full wack, getting there male friends to visit. Yesterday two guys in the cubical next to me decided to lift the curtain completely up and go underneath it exposing me and just laugh about it.

Now I'm not a midwife but I do know for a women's labour to progress nicely they need to feel secure and relaxed. How is this creating that environment?

I really don't mind male visitors or males staying on the ward over night I just wish they would be more courteous of others.

I'm starting to get really upset by it as I'm in a lot of pain and supposed to be on bed rest.

AIBU?

My husband is a decent human being who would be quiet, considerate and actually helpful.

But I still don't think that trumps other women's need for privacy and dignity at a vulnerable time.

And as much as 'my Nigel' is one of the good guys, I would say that, wouldn't I? Just like you'd say it about yours.

And yet the real, lived experience on maternity wards is of useless, annoying inconsiderate men getting in the way.

And all the maternity nurses on this thread are saying the same thing.

Well the experience of many women on this thread is of appalling care in the maternity units but I'm not seeing the midwives on this thread being honest about it.

...and now their already challenging job is being made harder, by the presence of non-patients, using the facilities, creating more mess and work for them, making demands, and - it seems - for the most part, not actually helping.

Hooves we have. All of them saying they're spending their time tending to the men.......

I haven't seen ONE midwife come on here and say that she/he is so grateful to the wonderful men who make their jobs easier. Not one! A few million British posters on here and not one midwife agreeing with men's presence on maternity wards? I wonder why?

and now their already challenging job is being made harder, by the presence of non-patients, using the facilities, creating more mess and work for them, making demands, and - it seems - for the most part, not actually helping.

But what created the demand for partners staying? It wasn't a thing when I gave birth but the care was shocking. No men taking up the staff's time so what excuse was there then? It is entirely the fault of the NHS that patients started asking for partners to support them when staff wouldn't or couldn't.

I get that you don't think partners should be allowed to stay so please describe how the patients should manage alone? Not one of you has said what's going to happen. Do you just think women should suffer or discharge themselves ama?

I haven't seen ONE midwife come on here and say that she/he is so grateful to the wonderful men who make their jobs easier. Not one! A few million British posters on here and not one midwife agreeing with men's presence on maternity wards? I wonder why?

Do you know why that is? Because the men aren't there to make midwives lives easier. They are there to help their partners, to help their babies and to advocate for their partners needs, which no doubt makes midwives lives more difficult. Guess what? Tough.

Midwives should be making sure that every mother and every baby is properly looked after and gets the care and support they need. Women shouldn't have to stay quiet just to make staff lives easier and I speak as a qualified nurse.

Oh you've gotten a nursing degree in the past 24 hours have you hooves?

Interesting that.

DoTheHop

What are you on about? No I don't have a degree in nursing. Have never said that I do.

I started training in 1988 and qualified in 1991 as an RGN having done traditional training. Ok with you is it? And no, I'm not still nursing now.

I wasn't allowed my dh to stay. I quite liked that. I don't really understand why they have to stay. Fair enough visiting even if that's all day but overnight why?!

I also think you should complain to PALS. If everyone complained they'd have to sort it out

What's the point of the men being their on a night, both parents end up tired surely one one you should get decent rest at home meaning they can support the partner better during visiting hours?

They're there to hunt down the elusive nurses....... When their wife loses all control of her arms and mouth.

I'd love to know who all these incapacitated mute women are?

We have one posting here for sure. Therefore, we all need to be exposed to men while we're semi-naked etc. Because she's incapable of opening her mouth for herself. Or pressing a bell.

By all accounts her dp will be snoring, taking up space, polluting the place with his smelly feet or watching the football.

DoTheHop

Have you had an epidural? Pray do tell me how, when you are paralysed from the waist down, with no feeling in your legs at all, how you get out of bed in order to reach your baby to feed it or change it's nappy?

How are you meant to do it if the lovely midwives have placed your buzzer out of reach or of despite you buzzing continuously no one comes to help, or, if as they did to my sister, they come and tell you that it's your baby and you need to look after it?

Why do you feel the need to make such sarcastic, derogatory comments towards women that have had difficult births and are unwell? Maybe you need to retrain as a midwife - I think you'd fit right in given your terminal empathy bypass.

Can I reverse this a little and ask mothers who have given birth in such wards, whether you've witnessed other partners being supportive to their partners, rather than being a nuisance to yourself? Not your own precious. Other ones.

Have you had a Caesarean? If the midwives are too busy (which they are) and partners aren't allowed, who is going to help mum for the first 24 hours or so?

DoTheHop

I take it you're talking about me?

My DH didn't stay with me. I had 2 fucking horrendous births and pregnancies. One landed me in ICU. The treatment that I received still affects me 25 years later.

Does it make you feel better about yourself to belittle women that have had such terrible experiences during pregnancy and childbirth? Have a think about just how assertive you would be laid flat in bed, no buzzer in reach, unable to move and somehow responsible for a baby but with no one coming to help you?

So carry on with your sarcastic, sneery, belittling posts towards women who are not you because you're just showing yourself up.

*DoTheHop

Have you had an epidural? Pray do tell me how, when you are paralysed from the waist down, with no feeling in your legs at all, how you get out of bed in order to reach your baby to feed it or change it's nappy?
I had an emergency c-section with the accompanying spinal. I was able to use my legs thankfully from when I was put back on the ward. I vaguely remember them asking me whether I could stand before leaving me - Ireland though

How are you meant to do it if the lovely midwives have placed your buzzer out of reach or of despite you buzzing continuously no one comes to help, or, if as they did to my sister, they come and tell you that it's your baby and you need to look after it?
I rang the buzzer, I rolled out of bed, I gave the nurses a bollocking, I gave the doctors a bollocking the following morning, I got out of bed and wandered down for a cigarette with my aunt after receiving pethidine and I was mostly a most difficult pain in the arse of a patient

Why do you feel the need to make such sarcastic, derogatory comments towards women that have had difficult births and are unwell?
Because you're claiming the right to bring men onto my ward where I'm bleeding, leaking, having a nervous breakdown etc.

Maybe you need to retrain as a midwife - I think you'd fit right in given your terminal empathy bypass.

And you could teach charm school.

I think whats really clear here is that rather than arguing between ourselves about the necessity or not of partners on the ward, women need to start getting far more angry and vocal about the woefully inadequate care they receive and conditions they are experiencing in hospital. We’re fighting with the wrong people on this thread- we need to be telling everyone who’ve will listen about the dire state of women’s healthcare. In detail! I really was very ignorant about it until this thread. And I’ve had two babies! We need to be talking about this to our friends, our GPs, the midwives, our MPs, PALS, hospital directors, Twitter, everyone! Nothing will change unless we demand it.

I should add, after the pethidine after me demanding pain relief (I was only allowed paracetamol for a c-section (I've asthma so that's all they'd give) and having to roll out of bed, pick up baby and roll back into bed to breastfeed, I demanded pain relief. Nurse told me to STAY IN THAT BED, hence the cigarette) I fainted and was brought back up in a wheelchair. They didn't ignore me twice.
I also wandered with drip in tow, bleeding and leaking everywhere to find a blooming nurse if they had ignored me for an intolerable length of time.
On my second night there, the nurses took my baby from me as I was clearly close to breaking point and fed her while I slept a blissful 5 hours.

Had there been men there gawping, no, I wouldn't have been able to move from the bed.
No - I didn't disturb any other patients. I can give out yards without shouting.

So you were able to move your legs and stand up.as soon as you were back on the ward. Well enough to walk out for a cigarette (????????) So you have no idea what it is like to be unable to move yet still expected to look after a new born baby.

You had your buzzer, and it was answered so again no idea of what it is like to have had the buzzer left out of reach or unanswered.

And I'm not arguing for my DH to be on the ward. I'm saying I understand why women feel that they need their husbands with them - because the care is woeful and at times dangerous.

You've still not once said what your solution is if you ban partners from the ward. Do you advocate just leaving the women stranded in bed, babies crying and not fed?

You're saying you don't want men around while you're bleeding , crying etc and many other women are saying they don't want to be left bleeding, in agony, wetting the bed or with babies not cared for because the staff aren't meeting their needs.

I.too was having a breakdown when I had to spend on a week on a post natal ward surrounded by mums and their new born babies while mine was in scbu. What I really needed was my husband with me to.provide the emotional.support to help me heal from the trauma I'd been through. Both I and my ds nearly died and I didn't get to even see him until days after he was born. To be separated from him and to have grandparents see him before I did affected me mentally for years afterwards.

Who was meant to be supporting me through that? Who was considering my rights or my needs when they put me in a ward of newly delivered mums with their babies and an empty cot by my bed?

I also wandered with drip in tow, bleeding and leaking everywhere to find a blooming nurse if they had ignored me for an intolerable length of time.

Which you cannot do if your epidural hasn't worn off. Why don't you understand that? How are patients meant to get help when they cannot move?

I had a spinal block with my first. DH wasn’t allowed to stay back then (2009). I’d had a very tough time with preeclampsia and induction, and been in for 3 days before in a private room. He went home at 5 and wasn’t allowed back in until 10, and breakfast was at 7 which you were expected to get yourself. I still couldn’t walk. There was a lovely lady next to me who, without me even asking, got up and brought me some tea. She must have sensed I needed help. I didn’t actually even know it was breakfast time, no one had said. In my memories now it felt more of a hostel tbh, I don’t remember a midwife coming to me at all for the first day, although the note book said they had so I can’t have been fully recovered. I wish I could remember the face of the lady that helped me because she was so nice.

Agreed Cheesecake. Not my fight to fight. Shop is shut here!