Inconsiderate Men on maternity ward!

[busylifebusywife]

I've had a placenta abruption and I'm currently on bed rest on the maternity ward that women go to for induction and when the are poorly during pregnancy.

My hospital has new rules where partners can stay over night which is fine I don't really mind, what I do mind is that some of the men especially seem to be so inconsiderate! Having their mobiles going off on loud constantly playing there devices at full wack, getting there male friends to visit. Yesterday two guys in the cubical next to me decided to lift the curtain completely up and go underneath it exposing me and just laugh about it.

Now I'm not a midwife but I do know for a women's labour to progress nicely they need to feel secure and relaxed. How is this creating that environment?

I really don't mind male visitors or males staying on the ward over night I just wish they would be more courteous of others.

I'm starting to get really upset by it as I'm in a lot of pain and supposed to be on bed rest.

AIBU?

I can't believe that some men are so ignorant that they don't realise when they should have the decency to go outside and give another woman some privacy. And if they are that thick then their partners should enlighten them.

Please please rest. I almost lost my dd and my dfriend lost her ds to placental abruption.
Wherever it is that means you LIE DOWN, then that's where you should be.
Please don't get up or exert yourself. Treat yourself as someone doing the egg and spoon race.

I transferred my care with one of my pregnancies at 35wks. It is literally as easy as telling your midwife that you want to change hospitals and which one you're changing to. She does all the paperwork, new hospital might get you in for an antenatal appointment with you being high risk, then that's that done.

@busylifebusywife oh my goodness i am so sorry you are going through this. Men have been prioritised above your needs and you’re the patient at high risk. This is outrageous! I would have your partner or mum phone the maternity ward right now and explain the situation. Demand that something be done. This is so wrong

Not being unreasonable at all, however, shocked your hospital allows over night stays from partners. After the birth of my son earlier this year visiting was 9-9 for partners. One night one of the partners was still there at 10, the midwife told the lady he needed to leave (he was in the toilet at this point) she didn't understand and obviously didn't say anything. Come 11, midwife came around again and went mad and told him to leave. I felt SO uncomfortable having a male on the ward, especially a couple of days after giving birth and having my newborn son next to me.
Make sure you complain. You need to rest and be comfortable, who cares if you upset them? They're upsetting you and that's worse!!

So pleased that you're safe at home OP. How have we got to this state where women are in labour, half naked with strange men sitting watching them. Look after yourself and hopefully when you have the time and energy, you'll complain.

Please get some rest @busylifebusywife

I hope when you've had your baby you can find the headspace to contact PALS. Unless we complain, they have no idea how awful it is for us

at men being allowed to stay! With my inductions I had a private room so my partner could stay with me pre birth. After he stayed till visiting was up then went home!

I did want someone with me on my second. It was a nightmare experience of not dilating but fully contracting for a straight 24 hours, followed by a spinal block that went wrong and a 2nd degree tear getting him out of me. I was in such a sleep deprived pain fueled haze I didn't know what to do when the midwife walked off with my newborn and gave him a bottle (I was struggling to get him to latch on) but I never would of expected my partner to stay! I asked for my mum to stay but they said no.

This gives me the rage so so so much

Who the hell made this horrific rule up ?

Why does every other patient other than a pregnant or labouring woman get privacy ?

Erghhhhhhhhh
Yanbu x 10000000

You have to wonder how many women have their partners there for protection though. It’s self perpetuating in a way, because as a sexual assault survivor, if I was forced to share a ward with a load of strange men, I would in turn want my husband there to theoretically ensure my safety.

It’s literally one of the most horrific things I can think of. You are never so vulnerable as when you are in labour and immediately post-partum, and the fact that this uniquely female experience has to yet again be annexed by men is just beyond awful.

I don’t understand the midwives who are saying that policy says they can’t possibly upset the poor menz, yet gives carte blanche to treat labouring women like sub-human species. Is that because you know that the men will make complaints or intimidate you, whereas women will just accept it because they are resigned to poor treatment?

Get your care transferred to a different hospital is possible. That sounds horrendous and it’s affecting your health.

Is that because you know that the men will make complaints or intimidate you

If the men weren’t allowed in at all they wouldn’t be able to do any intimidating or make complaints.

if I was forced to share a ward with a load of strange men, I would in turn want my husband there to theoretically ensure my safety.

A lot of women don't have a male protector who can be there. What happens is that women like the OP leave and risk their health and life due to these conditions.

I am a midwife. Don't get me talking about partners staying in the maternity ward overnight... and all our rooms are single rooms (mo curtains to peep through). But still, the amount of utterly inconsiderate, selfish partners we have to deal with on a daily basis has made the hospital consider seriously to not allow any partner to stay anymore.

The most common occurence is a partner sleeping and snoring loudly all night, not waking up to help her wife who has just given birth and is exhausted, sore and trying to breastfeed. Often not only do they not help, but some tsk-tsk and complain if you dare to make a noise and wake them up when you go in the room to help the mother!

One night I went into the room to answer a bell at about 3 am. The man was IN THE HOSPITAL BED, sleeping, and the woman was sitting on the chair, uncomfortable and trying not to make noise, because "he was exhausted, he didn't sleep at all last night" (erm... she had not slept at all in the last 3 nights and had had a horrific labour). That dad got the foot in the arse from me straight away.

And don't get me going about the wankers who are loud, obnoxious or start a fight in the room.

There are some lovely, helpful, involved fathers, but unfortunately I have to say, they are the minority.

All you have to do is read the Relationship board to deduce that a lot of these 'dads' are useless gits at best.

@aurynne

That's awful. Did you kick him out or just get him out of the bed? I would have been really worried what her life at home will be like.

Do you think your hospital will reverse its policy? If men really are behaving that busy en masse then they should be stopping it.

Yet every MNer on here extols what a 'great dad' their partner is. Funny, most of the ones I saw whilst in hospital giving birth behaved like arseholes.

When I had my children men weren't allowed to stay on the wards, but it didn't mean that it's was a relaxing space as some posters here seem to be insinuating.

Yes, on general wards patients don't have a relative staying with them but then equally the patients don't have another human to have to look after either.

My first baby I was in and out of hospital ante natally with pre eclampsia. Eventually admitted at 33 weeks and delivered by emergency c section at 35 weeks. In intensive care overnight and baby in scbu. Once up on the ward I was kept in for 7 days. During that time I was expected to express, walk down 4 flights of stairs to scbu, listen to.all of the other babies on the post Natal ward and go to eat meals.in the dining room with the other mums, and often their babies. It was awful because I didn't have my baby with me.

2nd baby in and out again with pre eclampsia. Admitted to antenatal on the same day that my sister was admitted in early labour. I was on bed rest. When visiting ended her DH was sent away but she was becoming distressed. Wouldn't admit her to labour ward as no beds. The midwife suggested she had a bath but could not do it unsupervised, however no staff available to help.so they came and asked me to do it!

When I eventually had my baby the post natal care was so dreadful that I discharged myself despite having had a post partum haemorrhage and needing a blood transfusion. I just could not stay there with no.one doing 1 single thing to help me - had to walk to day room for food, despite feeling very unwell, didn't sleep at all because the other babies kept waking up, no help with breast feeding etc.

So, maybe men shouldn't be allowed to stay but if they can't then midwives need to actually be looking after the women rather than leaving them to look after themselves. Why isn't good taken to the bedside? Why aren't mums given help with babies? Why are women expected to labour on antenatal wards with no.pain relief?

While all of this, and worse is going on, I can understand women wanting someone with them to give them support. No, it isn't fair on the women who don't want men in there but not having adequate support from staff isn't fair either.

God, I thought my local hospital was shit for maternity care (and it is, in many ways), but I'm shocked to read so may references on here, to having to queue up at meal times. My meals (a vegetarian roast= one potato, breakfast= tomato juice and an orange juice) were at least placed at the end of my bed on little mobile table thing. Christ almighty.

Oh my God, that sounded horrible.
I would never expect this to happen in the UK. It sounds like a hospital in a third world country and even then a understaffed one with little resources.
I know homebirths are not ‘en vogue’ anymore but after all these horror stories, if I had to give birth in the UK, I might seriously consider one. Or pay for private care if I could afford it.
Shocking and disgraceful.

I have private healthcare but it doesn't cover any maternity care on problems after birth. All the policies don't cover maternity or none that I could find I would of happily paid more for it to be covered.

It's just so depressing!!

I know homebirths are not ‘en vogue’ anymore but after all these horror stories, if I had to give birth in the UK, I might seriously consider one. Or pay for private care if I could afford it.
Shocking and disgraceful.

Homebirths aren't feasible for many and even with private care it usually won't cover in an emergency and you get shunted to NHS unit. And yes, only place in hospital where you're expected to fetch your own meals and water (even if you can't feel your legs or just had major surgery).

So either you massively have to fork out yourself despite having insurance that covers private care or you have to accept being treated without any dignity. What a choice....

Just 1 thing I don’t understand.
I’m not British and perhaps it’s because of that.
I understand that it’s hospital policy that you should leave the cubicle curtains open.

What happens if you say: “I want privacy, I don’t care if you want them open, I’m keeping them closed” ?

I think this is what I would do, but I can be very rebellious by nature

@FruitcakeOfHate

Really? So even women who actually want a home birth and it would be medically possible for them are actively discouraged because the insurance doesn’t cover any medical unexpected situations?

I was told over and over the curtains have to be open so nurses can keep an eye on patients without bobbing behind the curtain. I'm sure this practice is used on a lot of wards as I was on a different one very poorly on oxygen and it was the same.