Inconsiderate Men on maternity ward!

[busylifebusywife]

I've had a placenta abruption and I'm currently on bed rest on the maternity ward that women go to for induction and when the are poorly during pregnancy.

My hospital has new rules where partners can stay over night which is fine I don't really mind, what I do mind is that some of the men especially seem to be so inconsiderate! Having their mobiles going off on loud constantly playing there devices at full wack, getting there male friends to visit. Yesterday two guys in the cubical next to me decided to lift the curtain completely up and go underneath it exposing me and just laugh about it.

Now I'm not a midwife but I do know for a women's labour to progress nicely they need to feel secure and relaxed. How is this creating that environment?

I really don't mind male visitors or males staying on the ward over night I just wish they would be more courteous of others.

I'm starting to get really upset by it as I'm in a lot of pain and supposed to be on bed rest.

AIBU?

There must be women who decline intimate examinations or sack off attempting to breastfeed because of these unwanted men.

Not to mention women who have previously been sexually assaulted or abused and find it very triggering to be sharing sleeping space with unknown men.

Women who have religious reasons for not wanting to sleep next to unknown men.

Women who are being domestically abused and don't get the opportunity for a few days break from their abuser or the chance to alert a member of staff to their situation and seek help because that abuser is there on the ward 24/7.

Even the men who are "considerate" and don't eat the food or use the toilet or their phone, who go off the ward to do all of those things, they're still an inconvenience and they still make for a stressful environment because they're creating extra noise and taking up additional space. When Nigel goes off the ward to use the toilet or get a cuppa, he's buzzing to get back in. Then when he comes back in he's greeting his partner, he's settling back into his chair, he's shuffling his feet and getting comfortable. When their baby wakes in the night he's up and moving around alongside his partner, two people moving around instead of one, they're muttering to ome another "do you need a nappy? ... pass those wipes ... do you meed a hand?" then he's resettling himself again so more shuffling around and getting comfortable, he needs another wee due to waking up so he's off out the door then a few minutes later there's the buzzer again when he wants to be let back in, then resettling again. Now multiply Nigel by six and it's a fucking headache being on a ward populated by twice the number of people it was designed for. Nigel and his ilk need to fuck off home at bedtime and let the actual patients get some rest.

@IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory interesting point. Apparently they were all removed from our ward because “the manager didn’t want it to upset the dads/birth partners”.... I’ve tried to put some up myself and she removed them from the wall and said she didn’t give us permission to put a sign up. She’s a cunt to be honest. Every GP or hospital etc has the no abuse posters but we cannot have any how is that fair

And the cigarette breaks... every time their hubby wants to have a smoke he buzzes that door impatiently at god knows what time... in and out at every fag break x 20 visitors doing the same it can get very irritating. I can hear the door buzzer in my nightmares it’s so loud!

I think it’s because people have made having a baby into an “event” that they see every aspect of it as a spectator sport/family participation activity. They forget that the hospital stay is actually a medical situation. That the woman’s body has gone through massive trauma and requires a period of physical recovery. She isnt just there because she’s tired. The men that are jumping up into their partner’s bed, sticking their feet up, flicking the TV on, “ordering” tea and food etc aren’t there to support their partner who can’t lift her baby. They’re there for the fucking novelty of it all. They’re there because it’s the next chapter in the story of baby and they are the audience like it’s a fucking episode of Kardashian’s or ru Paul or whatever. Rather than seeing all those women there as patients in a hospital receiving treatment for a medical condition.

Apparently they were all removed from our ward because “the manager didn’t want it to upset the dads/birth partners”.

Makes no sense. The dads and birth partners should want a zero tolerance to abuse policy in the place where their wives and babies are.

@Steenac72 private rooms are not guaranteed in Ireland. Even if you go privately you cannot be guaranteed one and may end up in a public ward if none are available.

I think you're absolutely right Cheesecake. It's an instagram opportunity. And rights. "I have my rights, it's my baby too." Blah blah.

Only women give birth. Only women need to be there.

The men can be waiting at home, ironing muslins or batch cooking. They don't get enough attention if they do that stuff though. They need to be validated and celebrated

Yep.

Absolutely agree @IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory, you have put it much better than I could. I had my last baby 20 years ago and this wasn't a thing. I am worried for my daughter when she wants to have children. I get so angry about the insidious yet steady erosion of women's safe spaces because the menz don't feel special enough. More funding for women's services (that's never gonna happen), more midwives, more HCAs trained to support post-natal women overnight. I have never been so glad to be past my childbearing days!
Being on any ward in a hospital is horrible. Why on earth do we still have this third world system of sleeping in one room with strangers? But post natal, ante natal, both are (supposedly) concerned with the care of, you know, WOMEN! Everyone knows this 'policy' is an attempt to cover up the lack of funding and resources, and it's reinforced by pandering to the poor menz who don't feel special enough (yes I'm repeating myself!) OP, I have no advice but I hope you do get some rest and peace somehow and the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly.

I would have loved a room to myself but even paying for one wasn’t an option at my hospital. No choice of hospital either, even though in a major city.

'Bonding' is yet another excuse to cut funding for maternity services. No more nurseries even if you are a parent want one, you have to bond. Have to put up with a ward built for 4 women crammed with 8 adults including 4 male non-patients for purposes of 'bonding'.

It's amazing anyone my age actually loves their parents since we all had no 'bonding' in the hospital.

I think the shitty 'treatment' and lack of rest women get after childbirth on these wards is also a huge contributor to PND.

Such a depressing thread. Maternity care is evidently at the bottom of the heap and with an increased hostility towards women sadly evident in the management of many NHS hospitals I can't see it getting any better.
And yes - that blog is the perfect example of how men repeatedly centre services around themselves.Not one iota of empathy for women having to put up with his presence at a time when they are at their most vulnerable. All about his needs.

YANBU Ugh that’s awful. I don’t like having men stay over. Why do they need to? I’ve been in before/ after for medical care and the staff look after you overnight. Men should only be allowed to stay over on NICU. I was in early labour and sent my DH home.

I had some guy sleeping next to my cubicle with very smelly feet. Also had snorers and loud talking with lots of visitors. It’s so inconsiderate!

I was also a bit miffed with the men who turned up to a new mothers breastfeeding circle. I don’t think it’s great to have lots men around when you’re just starting to learn how to feed and need help latching. I’m not a prude and don’t mind flashing a bit of boob when feeding, but I felt totally exposed. I’m sure women more sensitive than me would just avoid those situations and lose out on the support.

I was also a bit miffed with the men who turned up to a new mothers breastfeeding circle. I don’t think it’s great to have lots men around when you’re just starting to learn how to feed and need help latching.

There was actually a thread on here about just this with dozens of women claiming they NEEDED their partner there, that the other women needed to get over themselves (after all, they were not virgins!) and that all the menz were totally lovely and just focused on their partner. So yes, a lot of women admitted they would leave or stop going to such a clinic as they didn't feel comfortable being half-naked around a load of strange men. But you always have plenty of, erm, Eager Assistants who demand that men have equal access to female spaces because they have procreated.

Oh and the stench of fags from some partners. Yuk

@FruitcakeOfHate yes it’s a phenomenon and people can be so inconsiderate. My DH said he didn’t think it appropriate he should go and dropped me off. He was shocked at the number of men who turned up. This was day 2 out of hospital with my first baby. Some men like my husband are sensitive to women’s need at such a vulnerable time. Other men just see it as feeding their baby and their participation is showing support for their breastfeeding partner. They fail to think about how it affects the rights of other women, especially those who may be shy about revealing their breasts to strangers. I think women should be able to breastfeed anywhere but THEY choose when to reveal their breasts and to whom. Breastfeeding support groups need to be safe spaces and they are not.

Let's face it, they got to a place like breastfeeding support for the attention. They have the other 23 hours in the day to support the one who is breastfeeding, there is ZERO reason for them to be at a breastfeeding support group for new mothers and it's pretty disgusting that they are allowed. FFS! No wonder the UK has a dire breastfeeding rate.

Laughing at the state of that guy and the comments, HoHoHoik. Oh how i wish my hard bastard old granny was still aroud to put these spoilt man children straight. 'Dadsexcluded', give me strength.

I’m sure women more sensitive than me would just avoid those situations and lose out on the support

I’ve breastfed two babies and have no qualms about “whipping them out” in front of any man who is there when baby needs fed but I still wouldn’t go to a breastfeeding support group if there were men there. If I attended and men turned up I would either leave or stay silent. I don’t want to discuss breastfeeding, my breasts, my issues, my milk, my nipples, my pain with men who will never have anything to offer me on the matter. They would be depriving me of breastfeeding support by their presence.

There ia 9 ywar between my dcs. Dd is 15, ds is 6 tomorrow. Elcs for both due to being breech.

When I had dd the ward was lovely. Lots of space between beds, men kicked out at 8pm til 8am next day, visiting times for other visitors and strict about numbers around beds. When I had ds beds were about 3ft apart, open visiting. Could request men to stay overnight if you wanted (I absolutely didn't). I stayed 6 days with dd and cried when it was time to go home.

After I had ds I was shocked at how bad it was. Noisy ward, wasn't allowed to close the curtains to establish bfing and was offered a sheet instead, people coming and going constantly. Bed across had 7 visitors at 1 point. Bed next to me had partner staying for support. She still had to be woken up every 3 hours by midwives to feed her baby as she wanted to BF but baby was very sleepy. Partner snored away with his feet sticking under my curtain all night, not sure how that was supportive. Had ds at 11.30am, on ward by 4.30pm, discharged at 11am next day and couldn't fucking wait to leave. We got home, I ate properly for the first time in 36 hours and slept for 3, fed ds and slept for another 3 and repeated for a full day.

I wont be having any more babies, but if I did would factor the cost of a private room into my antenatal costs. And if my dd or future dil has babies my gift will be a private room for their births.

The,'I couldn't have managed without my dp' brigade really need to think of the wider impact of having men staying overnight on the ward for other women who are feeling vulnerable.
Limewise men should be asked to go outside if the woman in the next bed is having an intimate examination or conversation with the nurse or doctor.

As for men using the toilets or shower meant for patients, wtf is wrong with them.

So this afternoon I discharged myself I've had such a horrible experience I couldn't take anymore.

Between Friday and Tuesday I attanded Antenatal 5 different times as I knew something was wrong, I was robbed off over and over eventually on Monday I was told i had a water infection and given antibiotics and told to expect pain and a irritable uterus and it would pass (I even made a threat about it) (later found out I didn't even have an infection)

After been in extream agony over night on Monday I went back on Tuesday as I was crippled over in pain. I kept explaining the pain was in the front of my bump where my placenta is but I wasn't believed. I was repeatedly asked if I was constipated and told that the pain was in my bowl (i knew it wasn't) they even sent me for a adominal scan which showed nothing and my bowl was fine.

When the results came back the doctors basically told me all tests are fine there is nothing wrong women get abdominal pain in pregnancy and sometimes we don't know why an that I could go home. At this point I begged for a baby scan which they refused but when I refused to leave they decided to do it in the treatment room.

The consultant carried out the scan very vaguely saying baby is fine placenta is fine etc etc. It was only towards the end that the consultant took interest in the fact I was wincing in pain when she scanned my placenta. She then decided to delve a little deeper and there it was a pool of blood trapped behind my womb.

After fighting so hard for them to find what I knew was wrong an to actually get someone to listen to me I'm just exhausted. To top it all off the inconsiderate men were starting to make me feel really down. I decided to discharge myself today an I'm at home with my partner looking after me.

I understand men being there at some points but on a pre delivery ward I don't think it's needed some of these women are sat there with partners for 48 hours just having pesserys just waiting for labour to start. There is a lot of waiting around. One women today was in her cubical on her own going threw labour the delivery ward was full so she was only transfer when she was fully dilated. Another young girls waters went and she was crying in pain her curtain wide open nothing on her bottom half.

All while men sat there smelling of fags watching action films at full blast.

I had enough an left 👎 I'm now at home extremely high risk but a lot less stressed.

Sorry for any typos but I'm exhausted an the last few days have been horrific.

I know you're tired and its probably the last thing you need to do but please complain. Loudly. If you contact PALS they can do it on your behalf.

Are there any other hospitals within reasonable distance where you could transfer your care?

Oh OP I’m so sorry you’ve been treated so appallingly. It’s disgraceful. If you feel able to at some stage, once you’re all recovered, do come back to this thread and put your experience into a letter to PALS, your MP and whoever else can bloody do something about this situation. You shouldn’t have to but I think that’s what it’s going to take before anything happens.

One women today was in her cubical on her own going threw labour the delivery ward was full so she was only transfer when she was fully dilated. Another young girls waters went and she was crying in pain her curtain wide open nothing on her bottom half.

All while men sat there smelling of fags watching action films at full blast.

Disgusting. Do none of those men have a shred of decency in them where they might suggest to the other men there that they could step out for a while?? I’m completely flabbergasted at what I’ve read on this thread. None of the men I know would feel comfortable sitting there in these circumstances. What’s wrong with these men!!

The coincidence is it's the same hospital as the boy on the A and E floor that has been in the news this last week! I'm going to look at the other hospitals and speak to my community midwife I think.

At the moment I don't even no how to start putting a complaint together 😩 but I know I really should