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AIBU?

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Original poster

Inconsiderate Men on maternity ward!

526 replies

busylifebusywife · 11/12/2019 16:20

I've had a placenta abruption and I'm currently on bed rest on the maternity ward that women go to for induction and when the are poorly during pregnancy.

My hospital has new rules where partners can stay over night which is fine I don't really mind, what I do mind is that some of the men especially seem to be so inconsiderate! Having their mobiles going off on loud constantly playing there devices at full wack, getting there male friends to visit. Yesterday two guys in the cubical next to me decided to lift the curtain completely up and go underneath it exposing me and just laugh about it.

Now I'm not a midwife but I do know for a women's labour to progress nicely they need to feel secure and relaxed. How is this creating that environment?

I really don't mind male visitors or males staying on the ward over night I just wish they would be more courteous of others.

I'm starting to get really upset by it as I'm in a lot of pain and supposed to be on bed rest.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Clymene · 12/12/2019 15:56

OMG that blog. I'm cringing for him. What an utter utter knob

Sagradafamiliar · 12/12/2019 16:16

What a tosser. He sounds completely bewildered, even in retrospect at the ward not being specifically geared towards his needs.

nowayhose · 12/12/2019 16:23

I'm sorry to say that the midwives are not in a position to tell visitors off for anything these days as they receive absolutely NO support from management and the 'public' have carte blanche to do as they please. If the poor midwives actually DO try to get visitors to quieten down etc they end up having formal complaints made against them, which they can be suspended or sacked for. So I'm afraid they have to treat everyone with 'kid gloves'.
It sucks totally, but that's how it is. :(

Steenac72 · 12/12/2019 16:31

I would want my DH with me if I had just given birth. I would need a C/section and would like him to be there to take care of me the same way he does now if I’m unwell but with the additional worry of caring for a newborn. I would be very anxious without him.

Nurses and midwives try their best but they are over run and not given enough support to properly tend to every patient. My friend nearly died on her first - a bleed wasn’t spotted, she was told to get up and out of bed even though she claimed she didn’t feel well they told her she was being silly and to go shower. She fainted in the bathroom, was bleeding heavily and not found until some time later. If her DH had been there he would’ve have realised she hadn’t come back and gone to find her. Giving birth is tough so of course you want your partner with you. I don’t think you need the time alone if you have a loving and supportive partner where their purpose in being there Is to support you and cater to your every need.

I know my DH would not behave as abysmally as those discussed here but would sit quietly beside me tending to me.

The idea that he would be loudly watching something on his phone is outrageous. Hospitals should definitely be able to remove those who behave like this.

Sagradafamiliar · 12/12/2019 16:31

It was sad to read the experience of PP upthread who says she can't do anything authoritative or she will be ganged up on. If you loiter in a shopping centre, security will eject you, if you kick off in McDonald's, you will be made to leave, if you don't like your haircut and don't pay, police will be called yet if you harass recuperating mothers in their place of convalescence and threaten midwives in their place of work, they can't do anything? It's shocking.

Purpleartichoke · 12/12/2019 16:39

Instead of advocating fathers be banned from accompanying to their newborn children in the hospital, wouldn’t the energy be better spent advocating for the abolition of maternity wards in the first place? A shared maternity ward is ridiculously antiquated. Women and newborns deserve real privacy, not just the absence of fathers.

FruitcakeOfHate · 12/12/2019 16:45

I would want my DH with me if I had just given birth. I would need a C/section and would like him to be there to take care of me the same way he does now if I’m unwell but with the additional worry of caring for a newborn. I would be very anxious without him.

So other women have to put up with lack of privacy? I had to give birth to my third about 2 hours from home because that was the nearest CLU and I had hypertension. SO glad it was no overnight visitors. My H had to stay home with other young children. So I was there on my own.

Men/partners/whatever should never be a stand in for adequate staffing and healthcare.

Clymene · 12/12/2019 16:47

That guy in the blog is a good bloke. He probably sat quietly beside his wife. But he still managed to make it All About Him. Because he is a man and that's what they do.

Some people won't listen to authority - they had to call security on the extended family of one woman in my ward because they refused to leave. It was gone 10pm by the time the 6 of them finally left. It was awful.

HoHoHoik · 12/12/2019 16:52

I don’t think you need the time alone if you have a loving and supportive partner where their purpose in being there Is to support you and cater to your every need.

My husband is very loving and supportive, I still didn't feel a need for him to be on the postnatal ward overnight and I say that as someone who has had both caesarean and vaginal births including one that almost killed me. I don't think it helps anyone to say that the only people who want alone time are, basically, those with crap partners.

I know my DH would not behave as abysmally as those discussed here but would sit quietly beside me tending to me.

I still wouldn't want to share a ward with him when I'm tired, sore, and feeling vulnerable. He can sit there as quietly as he likes and it wouldn't matter, his presence would be entirely unwanted and I would be loudly making my feelings about it known to the staff, to PALS, and to your DH.

The only time partners should be allowed to sleep over is in private rooms. Shared bays should be for patients only.

Instead of advocating fathers be banned from accompanying to their newborn children in the hospital, wouldn’t the energy be better spent advocating for the abolition of maternity wards in the first place?

Maybe when Boris builds his 40 new hospitals...?

In the meantime, such a change would require extensive remodelling of existing buildings which costs money. The NHS is ridiculously underfunded right now so that sort of change would be out of reach.

New hospitals should be built with separate accommodation in mind but until then it is not fair on other women in the ward to have partners staying overnight.

FruitcakeOfHate · 12/12/2019 16:59

I know my DH would not behave as abysmally as those discussed here but would sit quietly beside me tending to me.

Everyone says that about their OH. Still don't want to share a ward with him.

But he still managed to make it All About Him. Because he is a man and that's what they do.

Yep! It's a hospital not a hotel and restaurant. FFS. Aww, didn't get waited on by the tea boy. Diddums.

DobbyTheHouseElk · 12/12/2019 17:34

In a world where everyone has a camera in their pocket, I think it’s outrageous that a man can sit a few feet from a vulnerable female in a hospital bed with a recording device and access to the internet...

Indella · 12/12/2019 17:47

To those that asked. No there is no policy saying we can’t make men behaving inappropriately leave however if we ask them to leave we have no support from the managers and when they make a complaint the managers will tell us we should have let them stay etc. They only care about minimising complaints. They don’t care how hard it is for us to do our jobs or how uncomfortable it is for some women etc. As long as no men are complaining about being made to leave all is well with the world. The women affected by this need to start complaining to the managers but when you are tired, vulnerable and caring for a new baby very few women do.

Women at our hospital did ask for this. It was the most common thing mentioned on the feedback form. Previous visiting hours were 9am-11pm for fathers which I think is more than enough. Many women commented that they were unhappy their partner couldn’t stay and so policy was changed.

I would guesstimate that around 60-70% of dads stay when it is their first baby. Once they have other children at home almost no dad’s stay. 90% of dads staying forget that they are not the patient. On a daily basis I am asked for them to use the shower, to use patient toilets, for the use of patient towels, for food, for drinks etc. And while they are there to supposedly help the new mother they STILL repeatedly press the buzzer to ask someone to change the baby’s cot sheet as he/she has vomited etc. rather than just doing it themselves.

FruitcakeOfHate · 12/12/2019 17:50

Oh, yeah, the men hogging the only bathroom in the room, often honking it out. Lovely!

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 12/12/2019 17:54

This is just completely disgusting.

SnuggyBuggy · 12/12/2019 17:57

Sounds like NHS management.

EvilPea · 12/12/2019 18:07

I wish my dh could have stayed post c section baby. But the fact I was on a ward meant he couldn’t (and quite right too). It’s bad enough Sharing with x amount of women and babies, the noise etc. But add double the amount of adults, coughing l, sneezing, talking.
You’d get even less sleep then just the women and babies.

Steenac72 · 12/12/2019 18:11

@FruitcakeOfHate we would get a private room and pay privately - already discussed. So no one else would be inconvenienced. I was explaining that I can understand why women want their DH there as I would too.

@hohohoik I don’t think it’s helps anyone for you to say that you didn’t need your DH there - so therefore no other woman should need their DH there? Confused

FruitcakeOfHate · 12/12/2019 18:14

The private rooms are never guaranteed, even if you pay for them.

Clymene · 12/12/2019 18:17

It's not need, it's want. If the NHS can care adequately for every other situation, they can look after new mothers and babies.

Ghostoast · 12/12/2019 18:25

I'm an NHS midwife, I hate that we have to have men on the wards overnight. At night when I need to go and do obs or check someone they're in the way, snoring, listening in and gossiping. I'm quite bossy too and I am not shy when telling them to be quiet if anyone complains or if they're being rowdy but recently I've had quite a few abusive responses and security won't remove them for calling me a cunt or stating at me in an intimidating way, I'm quite stressed at the moment so I'm being more cowardly now. Aren't men great!

SnuggyBuggy · 12/12/2019 18:30

There must be women who decline intimate examinations or sack off attempting to breastfeed because of these unwanted men.

HoHoHoik · 12/12/2019 18:31

I don’t think it’s helps anyone for you to say that you didn’t need your DH there - so therefore no other woman should need their DH there?

I didn't say I didn't need him, I said I didn't feel a need for him to stay on the ward overnight which is the same as I feel about all partners staying overnight.

FruitcakeOfHate · 12/12/2019 18:34

There must be women who decline intimate examinations or sack off attempting to breastfeed because of these unwanted men.

Or leave the hospital earlier than they should. Imagine trying to breastfeed for the first time with open curtains in a ward full of non-patients.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 12/12/2019 18:36

security won't remove them for calling me a cunt or stating at me in an intimidating way

What happened to all those zero tolerance posters that used to be everywhere in hospitals? Are they not a thing any more? Why aren’t security enforcing the zero tolerance of abuse policy? Please tell me the policy still exists?

Steenac72 · 12/12/2019 18:38

@FruitcakeOfHate I’m in Ireland so it’s guaranteed here so I’ll have him with me.

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