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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner changes personality when I'm in hospital

115 replies

Jessie081984 · 11/12/2019 03:37

Hi I'm new here so please forgive me if im posting in wrong place. My partner is a fantastic loving man day to day,hes kind considerate,but unfortunately turns into a complete arsehole whenever I'm struggling emotionally/physically. For example when I was in labour with our daughter,he seemed to be uninterested,and completely lacked empathy to my pain and anxiety. he was rude to me,to staff so much so I was avoided for the most of my duration in hospital by nurses. He questioned everything and kept going on about his health problems and pain he was in!!
Obviously we've since realised he had some sort of mental episode brought on by stress,and lots of rowing and eventually talking things were resolved but it took months for his behavior even at home to be acceptable again.
I get that he cant cope with stressful situations,and I joked he'd never have to be with me in labour again. But after a recent miscarriage and subsequent d&c and short stay in hospital,he behaved the same way!! Obviously I noticed the signs and sent him packing,starting to talk about himself and his career choices, showing an interest in what to do with the fetal remains,but it was all bullshit,he just wanted an opening to talk about his sisters miscarriages and listen to his own voice. Sorry long winded post but wtf is going on? Am I unreasonable expecting my partner to support me when I'm in labour or waiting to have a procedure to remove a missed miscarriage? Or even just hold my hand and be fucking quiet about his shit for a couple of hours?

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 11/12/2019 03:47

Is it a reaction to stress, or is it that he isn't the centre of attention?

He's choosing a time when you are vulnerable to exert himself. I'd find that difficult to forgive, tbh.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 11/12/2019 04:08

Is it just hospitals or is he like it other times while under stress? Could be hospital anxiety. Though that doesn't excuse him not being supportive. Did you discuss things afterwards and if so, what did he say while reflecting on his actions and behavior?

CoupeCourte · 11/12/2019 04:36

You're not unreasonable expecting support at any time, let alone while you're having a miscarriage.

When you say he had some sort of stress-induced medical episode, did he seek medical help with this? Did he get any kind of diagnosis to back this up? Or is that just his excuse/explanation for why he let you down so horrendously badly? It sounds like you want to believe the best in him - you want to believe his shitty treatment of you was beyond his control.

"It took months for his behavior even at home to be acceptable again" what does this mean? I'm sure some people do find hospitals very stressful - you don't mention having a particularly traumatic birth but even then some people do find it overwhelming. However one thing I've learnt from Mumsnet is just how much abuse can begin or ramp up when a woman is pregnant/has just given birth and is vulnerable. It's very convenient for him that he gets so "stressed" and treats you so badly at a time when you have less capacity to leave him.

cordeliavorkosigan · 11/12/2019 05:56

I wonder if it's that he is the centre of attention all the time, normally. Then when suddenly he is in a room with other adults and the attention is on YOU he has this gut reflex response to do whatever it takes to get it back to HIM again - talk about his sister's MCs, his pain his blah de blah him him him. And you don't get out in front of it like you perhaps do in normal day to day life, because at those rare moments, you actually can't.
Are your birthdays all about him too? Can he stand to see a room full of people not focusing on him in other situations? Can he stand to see you not having him as the centre of your focus and conversation, at other times?

DeathByPicolax · 11/12/2019 05:56

Unfortunately OP I suspect this is how he actually is. It's not until the chips are down that people reveal their true colours. When things are good, he can keep the mask on basically.

I would be re-thinking the whole thing. Men that put the boot in when the woman is vulnerable is common.

Creepster · 11/12/2019 06:02

This is how narcissists do when someone else gets too much attention.

BlackSwanGreen · 11/12/2019 06:04

The thing is, he doesn’t change personality, as it happens every time. This is his personality in these kind of situation. As another pp has asked, is it just hospitals? What if you are ill or sad or stressed at work - is he loving and supportive?

isabellerossignol · 11/12/2019 06:04

Sounds like my sister's ex husband. He was so enraged about the focus being on her in the labour ward that he staged a medical emergency of his own, which of course resulted in every test under the sun coming back completely clear.

Then when one of his children ended up ill and in hospital, what do you know, he had another medical emergency which turned out to be nothing. Then a few years later, his other child was in hospital and, well I'm sure you can guess what happened.

He's such a huge man baby that he can't bear it when everything doesn't revolve around him.

Took my sister 15 years of emotional abuse and the freedom programme to finally see the light.

aveenos · 11/12/2019 06:08

The thing is, he doesn’t change personality, as it happens every time. This is his personality in these kind of situation

this!!!

cccameron · 11/12/2019 06:21

It's when things are tough though that you need your partner to come through for you. It's easy to sail through life when everything is going well, when things go wrong it's a real test of people. You have learned quite early on that your DP is a nasty waste of space that cannot be relied on.

myself2020 · 11/12/2019 06:27

He needs to go to the GP. high stress does freak sone people out properly, and if he’s one of the there isn’t much he can do about it on his own!

myself2020 · 11/12/2019 06:30

To all that call him a waste of space - would you call a woman with potential pnd or ptsd a waste if space? no? well, please apply the same standards to men and women!

malificent7 · 11/12/2019 06:34

Ltb...seriously ...you will be so much happier. Dump.

isabellerossignol · 11/12/2019 06:37

If a woman was an unsympathetic arsehole to her partner when he was ill, I'd think she was a waste of space too.

CatteStreet · 11/12/2019 06:38

I think cordeliavorkosigan is on the money. I suspect that in the normal copurse of life, you probably do a lot of (perhaps subconscious/automatic) appeasing/focusing on/revolving round him, and he can't (won't) cope when that can't happen. 'You' (presumably primarily he) have 'decided' that this was a MH episode so i) he doesn't have to be accoutable for his behaviour and ii) more revolving around him can be done (his stress, his difficulties).

What he's doing is attempting to impose a pattern of him being front and centre, always.

CatteStreet · 11/12/2019 06:39

*course of life, obv.

NearlyGranny · 11/12/2019 07:04

What is he like when it's your birthday? Sounds like someone who feels entitled to be centre stage and suck up all the oxygen.

That isn't what someone who loves you would do - you do realise that?

Stickybeaksid · 11/12/2019 07:09

As someone else questioned, what’s he like at your birthday or a family event on your side. Does he ruin the day or refuse to go? He could just be a narcissistic abuser

CAG12 · 11/12/2019 07:09

He sounds like its a coping mechanism tbh. He feels he cant cope with the uncertainty of the stressful situation so falls back on what he knows, which is himself.

Its annoying though.

Borderterrierpuppy · 11/12/2019 07:12

Wow OP, how is he in other situations that might not be about him?
I can’t imagine how frustrating this must be.
If you do stay together I would tell him he is never going to be your support person again when it comes to your health unless he changes his tune.

Zaphodsotherhead · 11/12/2019 07:26

He sounds a bit like a five year old. 'Never mind what's going on over THERE, look at MEEEEEEE!'

If you've posted here, I'd guess it's starting to get on your nerves a bit now, OP. It won't get better, I'm afraid. As your children grow up and start demanding more and more attention, he's going to have more reasons to spit the dummy out.

Deathraystare · 11/12/2019 07:36

'Never mind what's going on over THERE, look at MEEEEEEE!'

Absolutely. How unattractive. Literally a man child. UGH. Get rid of.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 11/12/2019 07:40

He sounds horrible. Making it all about him, when you’re having a fucking miscarriage. I’d be seriously reconsidering the relationship. What a selfish prick.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 11/12/2019 07:43

I agree that this snapshot sounds dreadful. How is he the rest of the time. If he can’t ever support you when you need it, that’s a problem.

afterme · 11/12/2019 07:43

Does he show any awareness of what happens? How does he respond when you pull him up on it?

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