Partner changes personality when I'm in hospital

[Jessie081984]

Hi I'm new here so please forgive me if im posting in wrong place. My partner is a fantastic loving man day to day,hes kind considerate,but unfortunately turns into a complete arsehole whenever I'm struggling emotionally/physically. For example when I was in labour with our daughter,he seemed to be uninterested,and completely lacked empathy to my pain and anxiety. he was rude to me,to staff so much so I was avoided for the most of my duration in hospital by nurses. He questioned everything and kept going on about his health problems and pain he was in!!
Obviously we've since realised he had some sort of mental episode brought on by stress,and lots of rowing and eventually talking things were resolved but it took months for his behavior even at home to be acceptable again.
I get that he cant cope with stressful situations,and I joked he'd never have to be with me in labour again. But after a recent miscarriage and subsequent d&c and short stay in hospital,he behaved the same way!! Obviously I noticed the signs and sent him packing,starting to talk about himself and his career choices, showing an interest in what to do with the fetal remains,but it was all bullshit,he just wanted an opening to talk about his sisters miscarriages and listen to his own voice. Sorry long winded post but wtf is going on? Am I unreasonable expecting my partner to support me when I'm in labour or waiting to have a procedure to remove a missed miscarriage? Or even just hold my hand and be fucking quiet about his shit for a couple of hours?

You mention only when it is a medical intervention as pp say how about your birthday, good times etc? It could be an extreme reaction and fear of you being unwell. Has you dh had alot of illness in his family in the past?

Am I unreasonable expecting my partner to support me when I'm in labour or waiting to have a procedure to remove a missed miscarriage? Or even just hold my hand and be fucking quiet about his shit for a couple of hours?

Of course not.

Obviously we've since realised he had some sort of mental episode brought on by stress,and lots of rowing and eventually talking things were resolved but it took months for his behavior even at home to be acceptable again.
You say 'obviously'. I don't think there is any 'obviously' about it.

Did he seek any sort of diagnosis of his 'episode'?

What sort of rowing? What did the rows centre on?

And what would you say to the idea that for the following months he was punishing you for behaving as if you were a fully alive, three dimensional person?

You're dealing with a narcissist. This is him. Fine until you need him to put himself second and put you first. Reacting like a pouting child afterwards.

Actually, probably not really fine - as many have suggested, you have probably got used to taking his fragile ego into account in daily life far more than you are aware of.

How much of this do you think you can take?
And how much of this do you think your DC can take?

Have you ever tried telling him to just shut the fuck up?

Maybe it is a coping mechanism but a shitty one? Doesn't necessarily mean he is a narcissist! My dh is great in everyday situations but in an emergency or when I have just had a section he is utterly useless. In those type of situations I very clearly spell out what I need from him and then he will happily do it. Unfortunately he needs it spelling out to him which frustrates me but in the grand scheme of things I can live with it.

Maybe you should be very exacting about what you want/need? It is annoying, I know but only you are aware if this is something you can accept.

He sounds terrible frankly.When you are in hospital having a baby, in pain and he turns the attention to himself! WTAF? being rude to staff as well .I would not be thinking about any kind of future with this man if I were you !

I'm actually still in hospital regarding the miscarriage,hence the late night post!
He is not like this at any other time at home,except when something bad happens and he senses I might need medical intervention. He closes down and it's like an arsehole of a robot takes over! If iv the flu or bad period pains he cant do enough for me,or if our child is sick hes very attentive,but his initial response to that is that its all in my head until the shit hits the fan and she has to go to doctor,organized by me!! The last time I said I was afraid she was takin Ill he didnt speak about it until a few hours later then said out of no where " iv yet to hear this dreadful cough shes supposed to have.when that night came and he heard it,was a completely different story tho!
Yes he saw a GP and a counselor initially after my labour fiasco which was awful! Gave him strong sedatives to help him sleep with a newborn in the house,and the counseling he seemed to spend criticizing me and my annoying anxious behavior. I admit I suffer from anxiety but coming home with a newborn after a difficult labour to a man dosed on sedatives and His sleeping and not being disturbed was paramount. Neither a crying daughter nor a shell of a partner should waken him!! He basically was a fucking tyrant.
I sought help myself because I was a shadow of who I used to be and with counseling realised very quickly he was the problem,not me or our child. The moment I became more assertive and ate the face of him and questioned his nonsense he changed almost instantly back to the man I loved. He has since got better antidepressants and had counseling from someone who can see through his distracting techniques about talking about anything other than what's really wrong.
Hes been diagnosed with ptsd after a traumatic previous marriage in which he was emotionally and physically abused.
So I do have sympathy and when I see trigger situations I can usually shut them down quickly,but when I'm unwell or need emotional help I really can't be tip toeing around him and trying to keep him stress free! Hence the shitty behavior from him in hospital!
Also as for my birthday,weve been together for 2 of my birthdays and hes never remembered either!

When a foul humour lasts for a few months afterwards, then it's clear it's not a coping mechanism but an ingrained personality defect.

Narcissists will not accept anyone else's reality, and do not take kindly to being told that their behaviour has had a bad effect on someone else. As far as they are concerned, reminders of this sort that their partner is a three dimensional human being are experienced as attacks against them.

When you find yourself telling a partner how to behave in a civil, grown-up manner, you should ask yourself who exactly you are married to and take stock of the relationship.

Also I have told him to shut the fuck up,yesterday in hospital in fact! We never spoke for half an hour and then I told him to go home. I continued with my hospital treatment and rescan of our lost fetus myself.

x-post - your post partum experience sounds horrific.

I knew a lady whose husband did just this. Every time she was ill he was vile to her. It transpires it was sheer unadulterated fear of her not fulfilling her role and her not being there 'as normal' for the family.

She was fine about this once she found out the true reason

I thought it was beyond weird and wouldn't have been happy to be treated that way. Her husband wouldn't countenance therapy

It looks like a coping mechanism so that he doesn't have to worry. But forgetting/not acknowledging your birthday sounds like he doesn't care or he's being passive aggressive. Neither of which is good and puts in question the assessment that it's ptsd or anything like that.

Are you sure he was abused in a previous relationship?

So from your update, it doesn’t sound like he’s an arsehole ‘just when you’re in hospital’. He made the hard early days of having a baby all about him and checked out, and he’s not even acknowledged it was your birthday ever ?

You’ve had a baby and a pregnancy loss already and you’ve only been together too years. It sounds like the mask is slipping and you’re seeing how he really is. I would imagine the ‘abusive’ previous marriage wasn’t as one-sided as he’s made it out to be, because you make him sound frankly kind of abusive.

That sounds awful. It sounds like he can’t change though really. The more needy you are and want from him, the less he’ll give as he’s trying to stop you.
I would either end the relationship and find someone who can give you the emotional support you deserve or accept this is how he is and keep your distance from him at difficult times and get support from other family members or friends.

I'm sorry for your loss.
Read 'why does he do that'. Imagine your child in a relationship with someone like him.
Ask yourself why he's so keen to show you that you don't matter to him.

I really feel for you OP. On the one hand, of course I’m sympathetic to anyone with that diagnosis. But on a day to day level....I just couldn’t live like that. There really isn’t any excuse in a fairly new relationship to not remember your birthday is there? And the hospital stuff is horrific. So sorry about your miscarriage. But genuinely, if a life partner cannot support you at a time of genuine and real need, what chance of a future is there? You and your child are always going to come second to this nonsense.

It doesn’t sound like you have been together very long? How well do you really know him and his past?

Being abused in a previous relationship doesn’t give you license to abuse your partner in the next one. You shouldn’t have to be tiptoeing around him to make sure he is never stressed and never needs to put anyone else first in the name of avoiding triggers.

You talk about him going to counselling like it’s progress but from here it sounds like maybe he’s found ways to make that into another episode of The Him Show too. Watch out for that.

I have a real fear of hospitals, probably PTSD after learning, on a hospital visit, my mother was going to die when I was a teen. I struggle immensely and the only way I can cope is by becoming cold and detached from the situation. I tend not to do hospital visits (I cope better if I'm the patient) but if I have to I can feel myself closing down as I get closer to the hospital. The difference between myself and your dh is that I just clam up as I'm coping with being there and the minute the person leaves hospital I'm back to myself again. I'd say that's his personality rather than trauma tbh.

Just read your update re shut the fuck up. He is just straight up abusive. Also, as mentioned, your relationship has happened so quickly. A baby and a miscarriage within two years? The truth is, you do but know this man. These are his true colours. When someone shows you who they are, believe them OP.

and do not underestimate the ability of a certain kind of abusive man to wrap up their abuse in the language of “but this is all a sign of how terribly hurt I’ve been myself, and/or how terribly messed up I am, so really YOU should be pitying ME and now let’s both talk some more about how I’m feeling.”

Have you any confirmation of this diagnosis from anyone but him, OP? Do you know for sure that he has actually seen a specialist? Because self-obsessed, abusive individuals are more than capable of making up illnesses/stuff their 'counsellors' have said which boil down to 'You must give this man his own way at all times.'

eventually talking things were resolved but it took months for his behavior even at home to be acceptable again

Why? If he was suffering 'stress' brought on by you being in hospital, surely that should resolve pretty quickly when you're at homne?

Gave him strong sedatives to help him sleep with a newborn in the house,and the counseling he seemed to spend criticizing me and my annoying anxious behavior. His sleeping and not being disturbed was paramount. He basically was a fucking tyrant.

Why did he need sedatives?? Did the baby crying trigger his PTSD? I'm finding this hard to believe. Could he have been lying to you about the sedatives?

I was a shadow of who I used to be and with counseling realised very quickly he was the problem,not me or our child. The moment I became more assertive and questioned his nonsense he changed almost instantly back to the man I loved.

So he can control how he behaves. He's CHOOSING to act this way with you. That's not how a loving man acts. He sounds like a monster.

Hes been diagnosed with ptsd after a traumatic previous marriage in which he was emotionally and physically abused.

Really? Do you have proof of this, or is this an excuse? Sounds like he's monumentally selfish and everything is ALL about him. Could he be lying about his ex to make you feel sorry for him? Just an idea.

we've been together for 2 of my birthdays and hes never remembered either!
Selfish tosser.

Why on earth do you still want to be with him? If you've only been together 2 years, that's very quick to have a baby and then another pregnancy, ESPECIALLY if his behaviour hsa been so awful in the interim.

Why did you think it was a good idea to have another dc with him?

He's completely unsupportive and has made you a shell of your former self. That's the sign of a terrible relationship!

I have no idea if he really does have PTSD but it sounds as though he's very abusive and your relationship is toxic. You're walking on eggshells around, him, he was useless when you had your dc, he's uncaring, treats you like shit...

It doesn't matter if his behaviour is caused by stress or whether it's deliberate; it's hurting you and affecting you. You deserve better.

I also suggest you do the Freedom Programme so you can learn how to avoid men like this in future.

I always seen it as a coping mechanism as his PTSD is very noticeable at times,yes he was abused,his ex wife was charged for it but she has moved away with his son and tortures him so he has to beg for contact now.
He has had a hard life,badly beaten by his dad as a child then subsequently abandoned by him at 9 years old. He responds to panic,fear,stress in the same way,it makes him angry first and all those other emotions filter through later. In the short time we've been together Iv learnt I can usually manage his emotions for him and talk him round,but fuck me its exhausting sometimes. He goes of on random tangents about things too sometimes,so much so I have no idea what the original conversation was about in the first place,but generally this only happens if hes stressed too,but once he starts it's like hes talking at me not too me.
As for the birthday thing,its the way he was brought up,his family dont buy birthday presents or xmas presents for each other! Even for our daughter! They had no spare money growing up and as adults just dont bother! But he would randomly buy me a new phone or surprise me with something I need but cant afford throughout the year for no reason

As you’ve only been together for a couple of years - ‘two of your birthdays’ I think this is just who he is.

Gosh it is all about him him him. You have a baby, it's all about him. You have a miscarriage, it's all about him. You have a newborn, it's all about him. You suffer because he's a dick to you but it's all about soothing his pain. You have a birthday, that's about you thus to be ignored, aha except if he forgets then the focus is back on him. You go to joint counselling because of his awful behaviour and it is all about how you can change to make him feel happier so he doesn't have to be a dick to you.

He can't be nice to you when he's feeling rotten. He won't suck it up and put on a brave face to help you. If you need him to be nice, you must suck up your bad feelings yourself and make it all about him until he is feeling brilliant and then he might not be an utter dick to you. Basically you spend your life working out how to stop him being a dick to you. No wonder you are anxious. Fuck that for a life.