Partner changes personality when I'm in hospital

[Jessie081984]

Hi I'm new here so please forgive me if im posting in wrong place. My partner is a fantastic loving man day to day,hes kind considerate,but unfortunately turns into a complete arsehole whenever I'm struggling emotionally/physically. For example when I was in labour with our daughter,he seemed to be uninterested,and completely lacked empathy to my pain and anxiety. he was rude to me,to staff so much so I was avoided for the most of my duration in hospital by nurses. He questioned everything and kept going on about his health problems and pain he was in!!
Obviously we've since realised he had some sort of mental episode brought on by stress,and lots of rowing and eventually talking things were resolved but it took months for his behavior even at home to be acceptable again.
I get that he cant cope with stressful situations,and I joked he'd never have to be with me in labour again. But after a recent miscarriage and subsequent d&c and short stay in hospital,he behaved the same way!! Obviously I noticed the signs and sent him packing,starting to talk about himself and his career choices, showing an interest in what to do with the fetal remains,but it was all bullshit,he just wanted an opening to talk about his sisters miscarriages and listen to his own voice. Sorry long winded post but wtf is going on? Am I unreasonable expecting my partner to support me when I'm in labour or waiting to have a procedure to remove a missed miscarriage? Or even just hold my hand and be fucking quiet about his shit for a couple of hours?

Oh, op, your update. Cannabis use? And his reaction after dd was born? That has NOTHING to do with stress and EVERYTHING to do with being a narcissist.

DON'T do joint counselling with this man. You won't change him, ever, and he will break you.

Don’t waste money on counseling, save it and leave him.

Do not do joint counselling. Why would you? Your stated reasons are crazy.

He has agreed to joint counseling so I can actually hear what's being said in his sessions and not just what he tells me.
Il also know straight away if hes spinning bullshit to the counselor all this time!

But why? What does this give you? How can this help anything? Is this because you feel you need his permission to feel anything or to do anything? You know how he treats you. You know how he behaves. Nothing that happens in those counselling sessions changes it. All you get is hearing his excuses for being a dickhead. How could that help you?

Are you looking for ways to excuse the inexcusable? Are you hoping his counsellor will wave a magic wand to fix his personality if only she hears the truth from you? Do you feel you need permission to disregard his desires in favour of your own?

Get your own therapy, your head is clearly fried if you think joint counselling is the answer to anything. Most women would have dumped him like a hot rock for any one of the things you've described, never mind the whole litany of appallingly selfish attention-seeking behaviour over the years. That you find it tolerable is bizarre. You need help. Your mind is not working right.

Yeah I'm going to change my mind from what I wrote earlier, this isn't the same as my situation at all. The more that you write, the worse he actually sounds. Drugs, jealousy etc he sounds really unstable to be honest.

These men really arent original are they. We could honestly be married to the same man and I say that as a warning as I am learning that DH is a narcissist who may have other MH issues but that dont excuse his behaviour. DH was unsupportive during my pregnancy and traumatic birth, constantly complaining about having to drive to the hospital and how stressful it was for him (DD was in special care and i stayed with her, not sleeping for 3 days straight and sitting with her as it was touch and go). He complained if I for clean clothes or food to. He never did a single night wake with her and she's now 16 months. As you say, his sleep was paramount and if he was disturbed he would become aggressive. I started to fall apart from this and the realisation that DD could have died, and how little support I had. He didnt care. I messaged him when I was diagnosed with mod-sev PND/PNA and said my MH practitioner had said I needed to start with just an hour a week to try and find myself again. He was livid that such a thing would be suggested and claimed that everyone was asking him where his hour a week was. He also said his ex was abusive, caused his MH breakdown and denied him contact. He never went to court to seek contact himself but sadly I was too naive initially to see through this and believed his families stories of how downtrodden he was. I suspect he failed to support her to and she ditched him. Of course nothing is ever his fault! He also goes off on tangents. In fact I've come to realise his family are actually incapable of a 2 way conversation. We could be talking about something like the food we're eating at a bbq or a story about something DD has done and MIL will talk over you about the value of a piece of jewelry she owns. Its bizarre. I have found lundy bancroft"s book 'why does he do that' really good and have had a lot of counselling myself. We had couples counselling but it was a waste of money as DH just played nice, blamed his ex and mother, promised to be better and spoke over the therapist. Start to create your own support network and finances as this will be a much better use of energy.

I think this is all about the OP's belief that her DH's MH issues excuse his actions to a certain extent. For many of us who have genuinely poor mental health, it's infuriating as it's usually just being used as an excuse for vile behaviour.

My DM is like this. It's called co-dependence. My abusive F developed Parkinson's Disease and she blamed all his paranoia on his medication. (He kept ranting about her being unfaithful, despite the fact that he'd been sexually abusing DSis and me for years.) The medication would have exacerbated it, but mainly he was a narcissist who happened to have Parkinson's Disease. A couple of years ago I found old letters from him to DM and realised just how emotionally abusive he was towards her.

My DM lost the best years of her life to him. Please don't make that mistake yourself; you only have one life after all.

Oh and he does the attention thing to. Dd has chicken pox so I've had to take time off work to look after her. Its unpaid as its carers leave. Not only did DH say to his boss how he stressed he was looking after her (hasn't done a single nappy in over a month, hasnt been up with her etc) and insisted on time off to come to GP apt with us, he then decided he was ill and needed time off to. He cant stand the idea that he might have to go to work whilst I'm off or that DD may need more attention because she's properly poorly

Am I being unreasonable in saying that even if someone has some mental issue that causes a person to dislike hospitals or behave insensitively when there partner needs support ... they should put this to one side/control this and provide support and sensitivity in times of need.

It's easy to be fine when everything's going well, but you need someone there when things are tough. However, if they have some autism spectrum disorders or psychopathy issues, they may not have the mental capacity to do this ... that part of the brain is not functioning. If you want to be stuck with someone like this for the rest of your life and your children's lives then you can expect more of this and let's hope it's not hereditary.

Neither a crying daughter nor a shell of a partner should waken him!! He basically was a fucking tyrant

So many of your posts have horrified me but maybe this one stood out more than the others.

That, and your saying that he smokes weed a lot. I think that's really significant.

Why are you thinking of pursuing a relationship with this man? I realise that you have a small child but I get a sense that you've been so worn down by your partner that you're not thinking straight any more.

Seriously - if my DH was jealous of our children, and if he constantly smoke weed, and if he always made my illnesses about him, every time, I would be showing him the door.

You must be feeling dreadful today. I'm so sorry you've lost your baby and are having to deal with this man on top of everything else.

Read this. See if you see yourself in it:

www.powerofpositivity.com/8-warning-signs-youre-codependent-relationship/

I think this is all about the OP's belief that her DH's MH issues excuse his actions to a certain extent. For many of us who have genuinely poor mental health, it's infuriating as it's usually just being used as an excuse for vile behaviour.

This ^ from Lizzie0869 really stands out.

Some people (generally the psychopaths around us) always like to use "poor mental health" as an excuse for really awful behaviour.

It is not acceptable to do this at all.

Dysfunctional childhood as an excuse pisses me off too. I had a well fucked up childhood. Am not a cunt to the people around me.

@TowelNumber42

Dysfunctional childhood as an excuse pisses me off too. I had a well fucked up childhood. Am not a cunt to the people around me

Well said.

My DH had a horribly abusive childhood, in care.

He is definitely not a cunt to the people around him.

@Jessie081984
Later on when you are out of hospital, have a look at these links;

newdirectionsshelter.org/red-flags-of-abusive-relationships/

www.confusiontoclaritynow.com/blog/covert-abuse-tactics

Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that?
tinyurl.com/LundyWhy

Smoking weed,
Everything makes sense now.
Hope your ok @Jessie081984