Partner changes personality when I'm in hospital

[Jessie081984]

Hi I'm new here so please forgive me if im posting in wrong place. My partner is a fantastic loving man day to day,hes kind considerate,but unfortunately turns into a complete arsehole whenever I'm struggling emotionally/physically. For example when I was in labour with our daughter,he seemed to be uninterested,and completely lacked empathy to my pain and anxiety. he was rude to me,to staff so much so I was avoided for the most of my duration in hospital by nurses. He questioned everything and kept going on about his health problems and pain he was in!!
Obviously we've since realised he had some sort of mental episode brought on by stress,and lots of rowing and eventually talking things were resolved but it took months for his behavior even at home to be acceptable again.
I get that he cant cope with stressful situations,and I joked he'd never have to be with me in labour again. But after a recent miscarriage and subsequent d&c and short stay in hospital,he behaved the same way!! Obviously I noticed the signs and sent him packing,starting to talk about himself and his career choices, showing an interest in what to do with the fetal remains,but it was all bullshit,he just wanted an opening to talk about his sisters miscarriages and listen to his own voice. Sorry long winded post but wtf is going on? Am I unreasonable expecting my partner to support me when I'm in labour or waiting to have a procedure to remove a missed miscarriage? Or even just hold my hand and be fucking quiet about his shit for a couple of hours?

It really is one of my pet hates, MH issues being used as an excuse for being an arsehole. A lot of us have MH issues without using them as an excuse to abuse our loved ones or hospital staff.

Even if there is some underlying anxiety, that doesn't mean that you have to put up with him treating you so badly at times when you need him to support you.

The man is a narcissist. Plain and simple. His “abused” backstory is convenient and a line they all spin so they have further excuse to act the way they do. He hasn’t even once remembered your birthday, he’s not a lovable forgetful bumbling idiot he just doesn’t care enough to remember. Try forgetting his birthday and see the cold silent treatment you get for weeks on end. He won’t change, he’ll only get worse, therapy won’t help.

Hmm
You complain about not acknowledging your birthday and now you're excusing him and saying how wonderful he is in fact. Which is it?

Anyhow..
Yes, it's exhausting managing someone with emotional problems. You're not his therapist and even them don't live with their patients.
If anything it's you that you have to manage, not him. Don't go to him when you have a problem. Don't discuss issues unless he's ready to address them.
Is this how you want a long term relationship? How much damage do you think it will do to you?

What @TowelNumber42, @Lizzie0869 and @Wontonhope say. Read their posts again. Especially @TowelNumber42.

Iv learnt I can usually manage his emotions for him and talk him round,but fuck me its exhausting sometimes.

You're not his therapist.
You need to look after yourself and your dc.
He need to sort out his own problems by himself.
What positive things does he bring to your relationship?

I understand your situation and my DH is kind of the same. Any kind of stressful situation especially where someone is hurt and he just freaks out and turns into a massive knob. He's had councilling and was told he has anxiety but he still doesn't manage it very well and I have learnt the triggers and how to help him calm down. He doesn't even know he is doing it. He doesn't like being the centre of attention and isn't all me me me, he's not a narcissist, and he isn't just an arsehole (normally), he just doesn't know how to manage his emotions and it all comes out in the wrong way. And that's not just me excusing his shitty behaviours.

A few examples, our DS was in quite a horrific accident as a baby where he was burnt on his face, chest and arms. Complete accident, could have happened to anyone. DH started blaming himself and whilst on the phone to 999 punched a door leaving a hole in it and was quite rude with the paramedics and hospital staff when things were taking a while and we didn't know what was going on. (DS is fine now, tiny scar on his arm was all that was left) Now obviously anything involving fire, hot drinks, hot pans, the oven etc is a trigger. On bonfire night he freaked out when DS touched a gone out sparkler (he was absolutely fine).

When I was in labour I ended up needing a EMCS and as they were wheeling me away he kept trying to run after me and when they tried to keep him from storming into theatre and get him dressed in scrubs he was freaking out and nearly just burst his way in because no one had explained what was happening.

It is hard, but I don't have any constructive advice I'm afraid. If he isn't like this at any other time it's quite clear he has an anxiety issue and needs to learn how to channel that so he's not a dickhead (so does my DH). Just because it's not people's normal or expected experience of anxiety it doesn't mean he's a narcissist and you should leave him.

Iv learnt I can usually manage his emotions for him and talk him round

Really, don’t. It’s going to wear you away to nothing and it’s not even going to help him, however much it seems to soothe him in the short term. And it’s going to mess up your DC learning that Daddy’s job is to be an emotionally volatile mess and Mummy’s job is to put him first.

There are not two separate categories of ‘abusive men’ and ‘men who had a tough childhood/were abused themselves’. Some men are both. It’s just harder to see when they’ve learned how to get you to feel sorry for them about how badly they’re treating you.

Hey, OP, I actually have a really similar problem, so I totally get where you're coming from. My husband isn't rude with staff but he does completely shut down, get impatient with me and bury his head in the sand and generally just totally minimise things when I'm sick.

He's otherwise the world's most amazing husband, it's just that when I'm ill he behaves like a complete penis every time. It's like someone flicks a switch. He becomes stressed and impatient and minimises everything, as though I'm somehow making it up or overreacting. I had a very traumatic labour and life threatening complications afterwards so it's not as if it's situations where I'm making a fuss over trivial stuff.

With emotional stuff he's usually great, he was my absolute rock when my dad died, for example. But he just loses his shit over anything medical.

I think this kind of thing is probably quite common. It's probably a combination of fear, feeling helpless and denial. It's almost emotionally easier for him to pretend it's not that bad and I'm "overreacting" than to face up to the seriousness of the situation. Basically, it's him handling a specific type of stress very badly.

All that being said, it's not acceptable behaviour.

It's also a really difficult thing to deal with in the heat of the moment. Last time my husband pulled this shit, I outright told him to fuck off and sent him home. We had a long talk after the fact about how he behaves when hospitals and medical stuff are involved and he was in total denial about his behaviour but eventually accepted that it might be an issue. I'm not optimistic that he won't just shut down again next time, though and if we're lucky enough to have another child I'll honestly be thinking twice about having him there at the birth.

Sorry OP, I know this isn't really a solution, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone and also that it's perfectly possible for someone to be otherwise great and then just be a complete moron in one specific scenario. Is he otherwise a good partner?

Just seen your update and my DH has a similar experience and it does still affect him. And yes it is all true and not just a "convenient backstory" as PP put it. I've heard all the horrific stories right from his mother's mouth, l deal with a lot of domestic abuse situations in my line of work and even I was shocked by it all. He doesn't like to talk about it which doesn't help obviously but I can't force it. Being angry is sometimes the only way he can express what he is feeling. The real emotions come later.

Sorry, just RTFT, no, he doesn't sound like he's generally a good partner at all, ignore that.

Wontonhope
His “abused” backstory is convenient and a line they all spin so they have further excuse to act the way they do.

This is a pretty unfair comment. Would you minimise the abuse suffered by a woman at the hands of an ex-partner or assume it's all made up?

I'm not suggesting his current behaviour is acceptable, and he clearly needs help managing his emotions and behaviour, but to talk about "abuse" in quotes and suggest it's a lie is one of the reasons many people, men or women, don't come forward or seek help for the abuse they are suffering.

It doesn't sound good, I'm sorry but I would tell him to pack his bags whilst your in the hospital, don't tolerate his shitty behaviour to you any more.

Mental health issues or not, you’re simply not compatible. Your relationship doesn’t work

yes he was abused,his ex wife was charged for it but she has moved away with his son and tortures him so he has to beg for contact now.

This doesn’t make sense.

If his ex was so abusive, why hasn’t he gone to court?

Abuse doesn’t turn people into self-centred arseholes.

So you've been together for less than three years? This is him, sorry. Fine when things suit him and treats you like shit when they don't.

All the stuff about his ex - unless you know that for a fact, eg have seen court documents, then it's likely bullshit.

I'd bail. Pity you had a baby so quickly but don't let that make you stay - better to call it a day now.

Are you sure it wasn't him the charged one?

How do you know him? Do you know his friends and family well?

I can only imagine what lies my exH told, when his own mother, who came to testify in his favour when he went to court for DV, didn't even know what the charges were.

Not saying your OH is like this, but just want to establish if you can trust what he says or if it's just that, what he says.

His ex was so abusive she was charged for the abuse.

And yet he did not pursue it thro the courts to take his child from the care of a woman who is proven thro the courts to be physically and emotionally abusive to the father of her child such that he apparently suffers from pretty severe PTSD over it.

Well isn’t he father of the year.

Do a Clare’s law request, see what you find out.

IfF your partner truly has such a traumatic past than he needs intense psychotherapy and continuing counseling. Frankly if I witnessed his behavior towards you as the patient then he'd probably get booted by security at my request as your nurse!

My DS and DD both get like this, they both have Autism and don't struggle with me being ill at all. It's because it's out of their control to the extent that DD hit me in the stomach when I had pancreatitis to check if I was in pain. We have to be really secretive around illness because it just completely knocks them off.

I think some people just cannot deal with others being in pain/suffering. When I first got together with my DP he told me very early on that he was not good at sympathy. He’s not. He tries but is quite impatient. He’s otherwise caring and normal but since we have been together I have broken a limb, had a horrible eye procedure, had a MMC and a c section and he’s been rubbish at dealing with all with regards to sympathy given. He himself has never had much wrong with him or many procedures carried out and I wonder if that’s why he can’t sympathise, because he doesn’t understand how things feel. Although when he has a cold/man flu it’s the end of the world

If you only normally get on well because you manage his emotions, then that's not good.
Obviously his counselling has not worked, seeing as he still reacts the same way.
I really don't think you should be accepting this kind of treatment from him.
Lots of people have mental health problems, but that doesn't give him an excuse to be horrible to you when you're vulnerable.

He's a fantastic loving man when everything is just as he wants it but when other people need help and that inconveniences him he changes
I agree he sounds like the classic narcissist, he's happy as long as everyone and everything is dancing to his tune

I'm appalled at these women putting up with men who just say they don't do sympathy, isn't the whole point of a relationship that you are there for each other, that you have each other's backs??
if my partner gave me the cold shoulder I would cold shoulder him out of my life

If what he says about his childhood is true then he may be suffering from considerable developmental trauma. Adults with developmental trauma are then usually diagnosed with personality disorder, ptsd, bi polar etc. With this in mind he needs to go to the gp and explain his childhood and ask for a proper test and diagnoses, then he can start targeted treatment such as psychotherapy and counselling. There is a really good thread on here with loads of advice and links related to childhood abuse. It is in relationships and is called the stately homes thread. As for his ex wife it is common for abusers to blame the other party and to call the police on them for alleged abuse. I would not necessarily take his word on this. The fact that she denies contact and has custody despite apparently being a charged abuser sounds suspect to me. Your daughter is looking and learning. Do you want her to choose a man just like dad?