DC15 wants to identify as female

[FrogInAHat23]

I'm still struggling to figure out how I feel about this, to be honest. DS (now DD?) wants to identify as female. They are 15. I fully subscribe to the 'do no harm' school of thinking, but it has raised so many questions for me. Saying they identify as female isn't hurting anyone (although there will be some close-minded individuals who are offended by that, which I don't think should be a barrier). However, what do I do if they say they want to use women's toilets or changing rooms (esp if a unisex version isn't available)? They identify as female (and is very effeminate, to be fair). We haven't discussed the whole sex change op situation yet, and I'm wary of bringing it up because I don't want to put ideas in their head (given the risks etc I'd rather they didn't!). DC has ASD and is very young (mentally) for their age. I've been buying them makeup and very feminine clothing, which they wear around the house. I had hoped it would just be a case of having a DS who was more feminine with feminine tastes, but it seems not.

I think my feeling is that, while DC has male genitalia then they ought to stick with unisex and mens changing rooms / toilets. I think. Argh.

What do you think? I know trans stuff is a hot topic at the moment, this isn't me trying to get a response from people. This is the genuine situation I find myself in currently!

[BanginChoons]

There is tons of evidence (I don't have time to link just now but happy to later).

Supporting your child isn't encouraging they are trans.

What is the value in encouraging them they are not trans if they are?

[Straycatblue]

You've said your child is autistic, there are some links between ASD and confusion around gender, you may want to look into this more.

[RevolutionofOurTime]

Bold fail. That was in answer to @BAISum6367

[DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn]

This is the worst possible place to post about this. People will be horrible about it here

Which simply has not happened, has it?

Yes it has. 3rd post, 4th post... completely dickish and unsupportive.

[laudete]

There are only 2 things you've said they actually want to do while they "identify as female" - wear makeup and wear "feminine" clothing. Maybe, remind your child that anyone can wear makeup and clothes? Red lipstick or high heels don't harm anyone. A good meme for children's toys/clothes/awful-overpriced-tat is if you don't operate it with your genitals it's for either gender and if you do it's for an adult.

As you've said they are young for their age and have ASD, I think you'll need to wait for them to make a more explicit declaration rather than immediately infer they are definitely transgender. I'd expect something far more filterless with specific detail. OTOH, this isn't a one size fits all. Your child may be great at expression and have already given you a fantastic explanation that makes perfect sense.

Anyway, you're not unreasonable to wonder what it means, to think ahead, to support their makeup/clothes interest, and to veto walking into the women's facilities if they ask you and there is no apparent need for them - at this time. Review things as they grow older/give you more information/circumstances change. x

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Yes it has. 3rd post, 4th post... completely dickish and unsupportive. 2 of 57... ratio supports my assertion, I think! Even when you add in the doubters!

There is tons of evidence No, there really isn't. That has been thoroughly researched by people with access to plenty of original data... not Stonewall!

[NearlyGranny]

The most important thing is how DC is feeling, I think. Parents are advised to do watchful waiting. Do lots of listening if they want to talk, and be positive and unshockable.

Above all, be realistic and don't encourage or even permit DC to hope that they could ever have all the functions of someone born female (periods, pregnancy, birth etc).

And don't be bounced into drugs ylto delay or halt puberty, though at 15 it's probably too late anyway

[Trewser]

My post is not dickish, other than literally in its content.

[Boshmama]

OP I'd talk to your child more and let them know you accept them as they are now, and however they choose to identify in the future.

I would probably delete this thread as I've seen some vile, inaccurate, devoid of empathy responses on MN on trans threads.

[MustardScreams]

Surely a ‘feminine’ 15 year old dressed in female clothing using the men’s loo is far more at risk than them using the ladies? Should he just dress male so he’s not attacked or?

I’m all for women spaces staying as women’s spaces, but I’m not sure what this young person is meant to do. Never use a toilet?

[Trewser]

I'm afraid that people will come along just to attack your child and call them a predator/similar

Well, that hasn't happened so far, and isn't likely to happen.

The OPs child is not now female because they have decided that they want to wear high heels.

If you believe that they now are female, because they want to wear high heels, then you have an extraordinary and confused view of sex and gender.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

but I’m not sure what this young person is meant to do. Never use a toilet? That seems to be the growing reality for a number of women too!

Which is why an open political discussion, or a squillion of them, is needed!

I've seen some vile, inaccurate, devoid of empathy responses on MN on trans threads. But not this one, it seems!

[churchandstate]

This is the wrong place for this question, OP, as you can probably see.

[ItsChristmaaaaaaaaas]

Speak to your child - ask him what he feels he will be able to do in the form of a female, and what he cant do it he form of a male. How does he feel - what makes him think that this is 'female'?

Explain that most teens feel 'other' or 'different' and that this is a normal part of going into adulthood.

Show old photos of Marilyn, Boy George, Phil Oakey, Bowie, New York Dolls etc and explain how they were exploring gender norms and fashion - and people did dress like that (a little toned down) back in the day and it wasn't anything alarming or even 'new'.

I would also check what websites, social media and chatrooms he is associated with.

[ActualHornist]

....report the ones you don’t like on this thread then.

[MichaelMumsnet]

Hi all. Just a gentle reminder that the OP is looking for help, support and advice. As always, please do report anything that breaks our guidelines and we'll take a look.
(And OP, we'd be happy to move this out of AIBU if needed, just give us a shout).

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

This is the wrong place for this question, OP, as you can probably see. So, you don't want OP to get any useful advice?

OK!

[churchandstate]

My advice, OP, is to support your DC in whatever temporary measures they want to take. When it comes to anything more permanent, discuss it, but do everything you can do delay your DC. We know there are many confused adolescents out there.

[BarbedBloom]

I also think this isn't the place to discuss this. But regarding your query, a number of places near me now have facilities for trans or non binary individuals so it may be worth looking up where your nearest place is for when you are out and about.

[HuntIdeas]

thinking while looking for a gender critical therapist.

What the hell is a gender critical therapist? Sounds like those sessions that churches used to run to try and stop people being gay...

[churchandstate]

CuriousaboutSamphire

I do, but I think this may be the wrong place for it.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Oh no you dont' @MichaelMumsnet

This thread has NOT been anything other than helful. Even the most robust posts have been useful!

Read it through again, see all the posts rebuffing those wishing to make it out to be 'vile,inaccurate, devoid of empathy' You are just perpetuating that myth. Adding to the lie!

Shame on you. Poorly done Michael poorly done!

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

I do, but I think this may be the wrong place for it. Based on what though? Your own prejudices? Posters have offered some very useful advice. Why stymie that? What agenda requires the denigrating, prejudgement of a group of women in that way?

[Tinkobell]

Great that your DC has come out OP. I’ve a lovely friend whose DH told her after 25 years of marriage and 2 kids that he has always seen himself as a woman and went onto transition - so many wasted years, so many regrets. I think embrace your DC’s wishes and engage with community forums that can support and guide you through some of the inevitable practical and social challenges that you are undoubtedly going to face and will conquer- good luck!