DC15 wants to identify as female

[FrogInAHat23]

I'm still struggling to figure out how I feel about this, to be honest. DS (now DD?) wants to identify as female. They are 15. I fully subscribe to the 'do no harm' school of thinking, but it has raised so many questions for me. Saying they identify as female isn't hurting anyone (although there will be some close-minded individuals who are offended by that, which I don't think should be a barrier). However, what do I do if they say they want to use women's toilets or changing rooms (esp if a unisex version isn't available)? They identify as female (and is very effeminate, to be fair). We haven't discussed the whole sex change op situation yet, and I'm wary of bringing it up because I don't want to put ideas in their head (given the risks etc I'd rather they didn't!). DC has ASD and is very young (mentally) for their age. I've been buying them makeup and very feminine clothing, which they wear around the house. I had hoped it would just be a case of having a DS who was more feminine with feminine tastes, but it seems not.

I think my feeling is that, while DC has male genitalia then they ought to stick with unisex and mens changing rooms / toilets. I think. Argh.

What do you think? I know trans stuff is a hot topic at the moment, this isn't me trying to get a response from people. This is the genuine situation I find myself in currently!

[BanginChoons]

@curiousaboutsamphire I am the parent of a trans teen. I am not on a soapbox. This is my lived experience.

[T0tallyFuckedUpFamily]

Transgender teens who are unsupported by their families have a greatly increased risk of self harm and suicide than their peers.

Stop scaremongering. There are absolutely no properly produced studies to show anything of the sort and this is a line often trotted out to scare parents into accepting everything a child say through misplaced fear.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

I am the parent of a trans teen. I am not on a soapbox. This is my lived experience. Then stop spouting false stats and biased info then! You may be doing your own child a disservice!

[LizzieSiddal]

It's a bit of an odd thing to be posting about in AIBU

[YouSawThePlans]

If you're genuinely looking for advice and support then AIBU isn't the place for it. There are different sections of MN that will be more helpful. You should ask for it to be moved.

[rhubarbcrumbles]

You need to impress upon your DC the same need to respect other people that you were presumably doing before this issue was raised. The need to respect others and not ride roughshod over their feelings is still as important as it ever was.

Meanwhile, go with it, take it day by day, make it clear that you are there for your DC and don't judge them. They will be working out how to deal with it themselves and it won't be easy for them. Hold off on the operation discussions for now, you don't know if this is a long term thing or them exploring their sexuality which is all a normal part of being a teenager.

[ChristmasMovie]

I had hoped it would just be a case of having a DS who was more feminine with feminine tastes, but it seems not.

That's what gender is. That's what your DS is.
"Gender is the range of characteristics pertaining to, and differentiating between, masculinity and femininity"

He is not female-bodied, therefore not of the female sex. He is identifying as 'female gender' (as far as I can tell from your post) which means he is feminine and should feel free to be so. But he cannot physically change sex.

[Hadenoughofitall441]

I feel for you, but I think you gotta just support them, unfortunately there are not many people who believe this. If my son came to me and said the same obviously I’d be upset he doesn’t feel right in himself but I’d support him as best I can, learn what I can about the practices in place to help people in the same situation. I wear men’s clothes and people often think I’m a lesbian, I know I’m not so I’m not bothered and often joke it would probably be easier than dealing with men. I embrace my boobs, they are the best part of me 😂 I feel like you shouldn’t probably seek advice from here as there are too many highly strung people with thier 1800’s era opinions. Maybe check online and see if thier is a helpline.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Now now Lizzie. Report, don't hunt!

[Doyoumind]

Interesting first post.

Your child should be allowed to dress how they like without fear of bullying or victimisation but boys need to change in changing rooms for males. Wearing dresses and makeup doesn't make them a girl.

[Frost1nMay]

I would recommend transgender trend for some resources because once the pathway has started it is hard to get off it.I would be encouraging some critical thinking while looking for a gender critical therapist. You want to use the girls loos - how do you think the girls might feel about this? Wearing women’s clothing doesn’t make you female - why do you equate womanhood your clothing and make up?

Worth highlighting the GREAT ADVICE

[OrangeTwirl]

Boys can wear famine clothes and make up if they want to. Your ds has a penis. He's a boy. He should use the toilets/changing rooms provided for his sex.

There is nothing to discuss.

[OrangeTwirl]

*feminine obvs

[BanginChoons]

If you speak to the school they should be able to support your child with a space to change in and a gender neutral toilet etc if she does not feel comfortable changing with boys.

[ruralliving19]

Not uncommon in young autistic people and a higher proportion of autistic than neurotypical people subsequently revert to their birth gender later.

I would be exploring the reasons why they feel this way and encouraging taking things slowly - it's a big decision that shouldn't be rushed.

[WotchaTalkinBoutWillis]

"I fully subscribe to the do no harm school of thought, isn't hurting anyone"
Yet all the way through your post you keep calling your child they
Has your child asked you to do that?
Bit contradictory you being OK, with it if not that's all!

[RevolutionofOurTime]

Assuming you are white, would you be as accepting of your child identifying as black? Or would you guide him towards understanding that while he may be appreciative of black culture, he cannot be black?

By all means encourage him to be critical of gender stereotypes. But it’s important that he understands the biological reality that people cant change their sex, because people can’t change their chromosomes.

[theflushedzebra]

OP "watchful waiting" is by far the best plan. Let him wear what he likes, call himself what he likes. Don't take him to the NHS GIDS or Mermaids - they operate on 100% affirmation and will want to put him on a medical pathway. For many teens, this is a phase, and there is an 80% desistance rate for those who don't start taking puberty blockers. Children with ASD are disproportionately represented in patients to GIDS.

Of course he shouldn't use women's toilets.

You may find this video useful.

[BAISum6367]

Someone I know showed me photos of their identical twins. I said "oh I thought you had two girls" as one of them was a boy in trousers and shirt and top. To which she replied, "no the one girl wants to be a boy, has wanted to be a boy since the age of 18 months and has always had a very strong opinion that they want to be in boys clothes and play with boys toys. I'm getting her assessed."

I said I knew the name was dysmorphia as I'd read about it in one of my womens magazines. I think its fascinating that a child can know from such a young age and with all certainty that it's been born into the wrong body.

[ohprettybaby]

However, what do I do if they say they want to use women's toilets or changing rooms (esp if a unisex version isn't available)?
You tell him he should never do that because they are for women only. You could explain that he cannot actually change sex and will never be a woman, whether he wants to be or feels that he truly is.

You should teach him not to be offended by stares because he will stand out as a male dressed and made up as a female. Help build his resilience.

He is a child going through changes this body and, in my opinion, shouldn't make such decisions as to who/what gender he is at such a vulnerable time. I would worry that his ASD makes him feel different to others and that may be confusing the issue.

[thatdamnwoman]

Is your son saying he wants to be a girl because he finds himself attracted to boys? Is he possibly gay and struggling with his own internalised homophobia? Adolescence is a difficult period, kids are working out who they are and sometimes, if they've seen and heard homophobic things being said about gay and lesbian people they can feel that it would be easier to 'change sex' * than actually be gay.
I'd talk to him, ask him what this is all about and see if you can find a way through that doesn't involve drugs, gender clinics and so on. Far better for him to be a camp gay man than trapped in a spiral of drugs and confusion for the rest of his life. I saw some research on the Feminism board the other day that indicated that transitioning didn't make many of those who'd done it happier. They think it will solve their problems and it doesn't. There is increasing evidence that a many people detransition or just stop taking the hormones. Lots of stories about confused adolescents with mental health issues who wish, in retrospect, that they hadn't been encouraged to take the trans route.

• no one can change sex. Your sex is written in your DNA and you can't change that.

[Saddler]

Why would he now be your DD??

[FamilyOfAliens]

Transgender teens who are unsupported by their families have a greatly increased risk of self harm and suicide than their peers.

As well as there being no evidence for that claim, if a child has suicidal ideation the response is to talk to experts about it, so that your child receives the right support and / or treatment.

The correct response isn’t to encourage them to believe they are trans.

[DowntownAbby]

Your son is not, and never will be, female.

There's nothing wrong with him dressing up as a girl and wearing makeup if that's what he likes, though.

[RevolutionofOurTime]

I think its fascinating that a child can know from such a young age and with all certainty that it's been born into the wrong body.

There is no such thing as being ‘born in the wrong body’. It’s just a metaphor, not a scientific fact.

quillette.com/2019/09/24/no-one-is-born-in-the-wrong-body/