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AIBU?

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Original poster

Didn't see this one coming - 8yo dd and mobile phone....

259 replies

Whatsername177 · 09/12/2019 17:45

My lovely little girl has just sat me down and asked me if we can talk about when she will be allowed a mobile phone of her own. Confused She was really polite and respectful, but stated that lots of her friends have phones of their own and use YouTube and Tick Tock and she is starting to feel left out. I praised her for being so grown up and stalled her by saying I'd talk to her dad. However, I just can't get my head around her classmates already having mobile phones. She is 8! Surely that is too young? I know dh will say absolutely no way and I agree with him. However, I do worry she is feeling left behind her peers because dh and I are fairly anti social media for young kids. Are we just old fashioned? I am 99.99% certain she is too young, however, I want to know how out of touch I am with the rest of the world, which is why I'm asking her. Her friends and their parents are lovely and they are happy for their kids to have a phone. What am I missing?
YABU - 8 is old enough for a phone and SM. YANBU - you are a completely correct old fashioned fuddy duddy.

OP posts:
YouretheChristmasCarcass · 09/12/2019 18:53

My sons are in their 30s so obvs we're talking pre-smartphones and pre-SM. They got their first phones at 16, when they got their driving licenses. It was a pretty cut and dried decision since there was no other 'need' for a phone other than being able to call home in case of a breakdown or change of plans.

I'm so glad I'm not faced with the pressures parents are under these days with DC wanting phones earlier and earlier!

NorthernLightsInWinter · 09/12/2019 18:54

Year 6. Not expensive. Make them prove they can look after it for a whole school year before upgrading a bit in Year 7.

Don't be bullied or pressured because your the parents of your DD's friends are complete idiots who can't say no to their children.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 09/12/2019 18:57

Is she in year 3 or year 4? We gave mobile phones to our kids in year 5 when they started to walk to and from school by themselves. I think some kids had them earlier but most started to get them in year 5/6 and some in year 7.

Tiredmum100 · 09/12/2019 18:58

My son is 8 in a couple of weeks, no way is he having a phone yet, he's way too young. I havent seem anyone with a phone in his class either!

Wakeupalready · 09/12/2019 19:04

Good call.
Eight is far too young for a smart phone.
And really happy to hear you took the time to research TikTok. Parents rarely do.
It is a dumpster fire of a Chinese owned app that is in litigation in several countries over content, data mining, data storage and the on selling of personal information. ( It's already collected the largest ever Federal civil fine in US history this year for knowing collecting the data of under 13's without parental permission, and knowingly allowing children below it's age gate to hold accounts).
It is not cute, it's creepy folk on the Internet central.
I work in social media and this plus one or two other apps I would never let near any of my children or any of our devices.

Lololololola · 09/12/2019 19:06

Good for you, no reason to have one at 8. Mine got one for y7. Wasnt allowed what's app, Instagram until the correct age. Not allowed tiktok at all. I check her phone and at 14 she was being a total knob on SM so now they are both deleted, youtube is blocked and unless she can behave like a sensible teenager and have them back, she can access them when she pays her own phone bill.

Butterfly02 · 09/12/2019 19:08

Ds1 got a phone for his 11th birthday he was one of the last in his class (6 years ago). Dt are 11 next year and I have stuck to the same rule which they have accepted but I think the kids in their year group were alot younger when they had phones than ds1 year group.
Stick to your guns. Give your reasons so that dd understands.
Kids don't need phones till they are going out without you. From what I've seen (especially with the girls it seems to cause lots of bullying /upset).

ThebishopofBanterbury · 09/12/2019 19:09

8!! No way, I gave my dd one when she was half way through year 6 and began walking home on her own. The phone was and still is the source of many of our arguments.. (she's obsessed with it!) so my advice would be to put it off for as long as you possibly can!

lifeisgoodagain · 09/12/2019 19:11

Tiktok is a Chinese video sharing thing, I've seen ads for it, think it's for kids, my teens certainly don't use it.

mummmy2017 · 09/12/2019 19:13

Could you set aside time together to use your mobile.
Tell her you feel she is too young to have her own , but you don't want her too feel left out.

Janleverton · 09/12/2019 19:14

My older two got phones on or around 11th birthday. Youngest will be 11 when starts secondary school so will prob give him my old phone the Christmas before (v early sept birthday) so can get contacts for friends etc.

lifeisgoodagain · 09/12/2019 19:15

Ps mine had phones at 10 for high school (10 here) but they weren't smart phones because they were still quite expensive then, had smart phones at 13 ish I think. They had tablets at about 11 though

Illcallbacklater · 09/12/2019 19:16

'Brick' phone at 11 when they start going on the bus to secondary school on their own in our house. Wouldn't let mine on tiktok some of the stuff you come across on there is... A bit concerning, no way to put a child safety filter on there or blanket block inappropriate content

Handsnotwands · 09/12/2019 19:16

DS is yr 6 and we’ve just had a hoohaa on the class WhatsApp page about some of the kids “misusing” their phones - “unkindness” kids being found using them late at night, inappropriate conversations and content. I was SO pleased that DS hasn’t got a phone. They’re 10 FFS, far too young for that kind of shit and the parents of those involved seemed keen to apportion blame to other kids and parents without realising how implicated they were themselves in the whole debacle.

Lemons1571 · 09/12/2019 19:17

My 8 yo had my old iPhone 6S with no sim. Can’t see how it’s any different to a tablet tbh, and cheaper for me (well free). No SM or communication with anyone outside the family. I have two older children 12 and 14 who are also not on SM, they couldn’t be less interested tbh, though the 12yo does watch YouTube.

FirstInGinglish · 09/12/2019 19:17

I said mine could have them once they started secondary school (which was Year 9, as they were at prep schools). DS finally bothered to get one when he was 16. DD whinged about them from the age of about 9.

It's how we parent. Kid asks one of us, we say we will discuss then we answer jointly presenting a united front. It is how we have always done it

OP, XH and I are divorced, and not very happily. We still do this, though, about anything child-related of any consequence whatsoever (to the teenagers' disgust).

Somebodystired · 09/12/2019 19:19

YANBU. DSS is nearly 10 and will soon have one just for when he is out by himself (we want him to start walking to local shops or library to work on his independence) but will be handed back to us the second he is back home. He can have one of his own when he is 11, ready for secondary school.

Original poster
Whatsername177 · 09/12/2019 19:19

Dh and I have just said we think secondary school will be the earliest we consider it and explained why. I said we could watch some YouTube together and she was happy with that. I said no Tik Tok and she wasn't massively fussed. I think that is a peer pressure thing. She's a good kid, she just wants to be like her friends.

OP posts:
Jellybeansincognito · 09/12/2019 19:19

You can’t ignore it forever. I’d probably allow it on the condition of full transparency.

bridgetreilly · 09/12/2019 19:21

You can’t ignore it forever.

She's 8. You can ignore it for quite a long time yet.

newyearoldme · 09/12/2019 19:23

If other kids at school are using Tiktok then I'd ask school to hold some lessons on esafety as there are massive safeguarding problems with it. They're 8 fgs..... maybe the parents would benefit from a session on it too

loopy42 · 09/12/2019 19:23

My DD9 has had an old iPhone for around 18 months now with a sim only contract and is getting a new phone on contract for Xmas.

Her friendship group all have phones, they all go out to play so I need her to be able to contact me.

She uses WhatsApp and facetime to chat with her friends.

She has tiktok but lost interest in it pretty quickly and mainly watches YouTube gamer vids or Harry Potter fan vids

She's super sensible and I regularly check her phone.

I wouldn't want her to feel socially excluded by her peer group as sleepovers and the like are all organised via these WhatsApp group chats

BluebellCockleshell123 · 09/12/2019 19:24

Mine have all been given phones for their 10th birthdays. This was the age that I was happy for them to go out alone e.g to call round for friends, walk to school or go to the park so it was more for the communication aspect than anything else.

RB68 · 09/12/2019 19:24

I got my DD one in her last year in primary - so the group using it was limited to those whose parents I was pretty well aware of and could get in touch with, that wshe wasn't exposed to lots of people she didn't know etc, we limited what she could have so no facebook whats ap etc but one which most of the kids were using etc. There were some issues which we sorted easily and taught her alot oabout what to say what not to say and when to report to me etc and it was a more gentle intro to SM than full on secondary which is brutal in the first few weeks. It also got her used to keeping it safe, not having in school only after etc, and as kids from her primary went to several different secondary it established an outside school group for secondary which really helped as she had a rough few weeks when she went up on her own from a 100 kids school to a 1200 kids school with bus journey etc. She now at 14 sticks with insta and mostly listens to music on the bus with it, we have had zero issues in secondary apart from a child who was mentally unwell/posting about suicide etc and we were able to address this via school very quickly in an anon way so the poorly child didn't become aware of who had raised this etc

All in all I might have waited longer but we won an apple voucher which funded it so it forced the issue and it wasn't a bad way to do it.

I am anti unmanaged and none supervised and unlimited access to internet and SM, but this is the world they will live in.

TikTok doesn't have the best rep and there were definite issues early on with it not sure if they have been addressed DD doesn't use

We have also spoken about how things on SM and internet might effect her life later on down the line re employment etc and gone through private and public profiles etc. Secondaries are more switched on with what kids are using, giving lessons/talks ad getting experts in the help explain and go through things with the kids - there is not really that support at primary level so you need to do it

frazzledasarock · 09/12/2019 19:24

I gave my eldest a brick when she started secondary school. I needed her to prove to me she wouldn’t lose it and she was responsible.

We got her a mobile phone she really wanted when she turned fourteen.

So I don’t think you’re BU.

However it’s very unfair on your DH you’ve used discussing it with him as a stalling tactic.

I would tell her you will get her a phone when she starts secondary school, if that’s the agreement between you and your DH.