To think DH’s income belongs to us both?

[Illeana]

I’m a SAH (we can’t afford childcare, I’ll be returning to work when DC goes to nursery). DH (father of DC) works and supports us. I have no income other than DH’s salary.

I bought DH a birthday present, then he was really horrible to me and I snapped at him, you don’t deserve me to buy you a present when you’re so nasty. He lost his temper and said you didn’t buy it anyway, I DID BECAUSE YOU PAID ON MY CREDIT CARD.

AIBU to think it’s OUR money and OUR credit card? I’ve told him he won’t be getting a Christmas present because I apparently have no money to buy it with.

But to be completely honest, if someone told me I "didn't deserve" a gift that I knew for a fact they had bought with my credit card I would probably have found it difficult to bite my tongue.

We don’t need men to be sexist for women to be fucked, do we? We can do enough of the damage ourselves.

@TatianaLarina

“Disingenuous evasion. She can’t return to work because DH won’t countenance the changes to his life required to accommodate it.”

And how did you determine that the changes required were within his control? He has that kind of job flexibility? Right now he is soley responsible for the financial support of their family, so anything that risks that has to be guarded against. Additional income that doesn’t risk that (like working nights, which another poster suggested and you immediately responded with “why should she have to work nights?”) would be a start.

“No - in the title she indicates ‘his’ income ‘belongs’ to them both - ie shared ownership (not an accurate word of yours). “

Except it doesn’t. Regardless of how people may want it to be, that simply isn’t the case. THEY have offspring, but currently only HE is providing income. That she bought him something on a credit card indicates that there is some sort of non-oversight type sharing, which is extended from him to her. For her to then unilaterally decide what he’s entitled to is nonsense if you consider the income to be generated entirely by him, which it is, OR if it “belongs” to both of them, because if it belongs to both of them then she doesn’t get to make those decisions alone. Either way it was a crap thing for her to say.

“She said he didn’t deserve the present because he had been so nasty, which is fair enough.”

Disingenuous evasion - he deserves the present for whatever reason she got it for him in the first place.

“How do you know they are? You’ve no idea what they agreed on. Did OP sign up for never being able to go back to work when she took time off to have kids? Is OP not entitled to change her mind if SAHM doesn’t suit her and DH is so possessive with money it causes problems?”

Because she isn’t a slave. She could take that same credit card and apply it to daycare and get a job and contribute financially to her family. She isn’t owed any consideration from her partner that she is not also giving.

“Why does it matter if someone behaves horribly? Why does it matter if partner stops the other from going back to work? Why does it matter if one partner belittles the other’s financial contribution. Why do you think?”

Pointless rhetoric.

*"But to be completely honest, if someone told me I "didn't deserve" a gift that I knew for a fact they had bought with my credit card I would probably have found it difficult to bite my tongue."

We don’t need men to be sexist for women to be fucked, do we? We can do enough of the damage ourselves.*

I don't see how that's a sexist statement. I think giving a gift and then throwing it back in the recipients face in an argument by saying they don't "deserve" it is pretty unpleasant and yes, I admit that I might find that particularly difficult to stomach if the gift had been purchased on my credit card. Gender has nothing to do with it. I also acknowledged that what OP's DH said was out of order.

OP,

If these are really his views, then now you know.

It's not good.

Protect yourself.
💐

Ooohh this would boil my piss. What a cunt of a man.

Preztel I had a hunch you were a bloke. So I read some back posts and - I was right. You turn out to be as blinkered, sexist, male-centric and resentful of women on other threads as you are here.

I will waste no further time on you.

And how did you determine that the changes required were within his control? He has that kind of job flexibility?

It's interesting that men always have those jobs that are totally inflexible and they can never take any time off for any family related duties. While women have the jobs that allow them to work and also do everything else. Even if it's exactly the same job.

If money is tight maybe he didn't want you to spend it on a gift - particularly on credit!
Money isn’t tight. I don’t work because I’m not a high earner like he is and childcare would cost as much as I’d earn. The credit card is just a matter of convenience, we pay it off every month.

He sounds like a complete arsehole!

As much as your OH is an arsehole for throwing that in your face,
Why are you even bringing presents into it? It was a birthday gift, not conditional on how your DH acted. It sounds childish from both ends and your DH didn't retaliate well.

@TatianaLarina

“ Preztel I had a hunch you were a bloke. So I read some back posts and - I was right. You turn out to be as blinkered, sexist, male-centric and resentful of women on other threads as you are here. “

That’s why I don’t name change, so people can decide for themselves.

And I’d expect that assessment from someone who is blinkered, sexist, female-centric and resentful of men as you seem to be in this thread alone.

@G5000

“It's interesting that men always have those jobs that are totally inflexible and they can never take any time off for any family related duties. While women have the jobs that allow them to work and also do everything else. Even if it's exactly the same job.”

I know that as my responsibility, income, and scope increased, it’s always come with less flexibility and less practical time off. The OP has said that she would only pull in what childcare would cost, while her partner makes significantly more. Their jobs were not equivalent.

Tell him if that's how he sees it you will call the nursery and ask for a full time quote. Tell him your both responsible for childcare so he can either cut to two and a half days a week to do his share or pay you half the nursery fee to cover the time you could be working if not doing his share of the childcare.

Would it not be a good idea to go back to work even if your joint financial picture wasn't bettered initially? At least then you could develop your career. We will be childcare free in about 18 months (except wrap around!), we've always paid childcare as a joint expense so it didn't seem to erode one salary or the other. Hopefully maintaining both careers will have been worth the struggle.

Money isn’t tight. I don’t work because I’m not a high earner like he is and childcare would cost as much as I’d earn. The credit card is just a matter of convenience, we pay it off every month.

So you can afford to work, but decided not to? Lots of women, remain in work though it costa the same as childcare. They do it because, career wise its better in the long run.

There nothing wrong with choosing to be sahm, not sure why you dont just say you chose it.

This sounds like you had an argument. You threw at hom that he doesnt deserve a present and he threw back that he actually paid for his own present.

People say shit to each other in an argument and you started down the road of who deserves what money.

OP, go back to work. If he refuses to take in half the responsibility at home you know he is a complete cunt but you will be in a better position to end the marriage.

I actually think you should keep separate finances, and of course he should pay you for childcare. That is how we did it, although my husband is not a twat so it just naturally evolved. I just wanted my own money in my own bank account.

You both acted in anger and said things you didn't mean. He said what he said because what you said was quite juvenile really. I can't imagine buying my OH a present for his birthday and then saying that he doesn't deserve it. It sounds Iike you treated him like a kid so he's reminding you that he earns the money was his way of asserting that he isn't a kid but a grown up man that doesn't need a mum to remind him when he deserves a reward or not.

Saying all this, I also don't believe in this ' I can't work because of childcare costs'. If you really wanted to work, you would do so. You would let your OH know your intentions and say that he will have to pay for 2/3rd of the childcare when you do go back to work (on the basis that you will earn 1/3 of his). End of.

If he refuses to pay his part of the bill when it comes, then you know you have a serious issue.

Just realised I almost paraphrased @MsRomanoff post words for words!

@Dontdisturbmenow I think you said it better though

Go back to work, the sooner the better. Your full salary may be used to pay the nursery but you have to pay for the nursery just for a few years.

Believe me, years at home make you more dependant to him, it is not easy to get a good job after a long break, whatever the reasons. But even a bad job can put you in a good place to provide for your kids if at some point either of you gets tired of this situation and leaves.

Whose choice is it for you not to work op? Would your DH be supportive of you going back to work? Do you not want to work?

You were wrong to start this by saying he didn't deserve his present. That's really mean. He's then retaliated with an equally mean comment so you're both as bad as each other.

While all your money should be joint money if you're a SAHP I do kind of agree with him that the credit card is his, in his name, so you're not gifting that from joint money - he'll be expected to pay that off as an additional cost, not standard family living costs.

If he builds up a huge bill on that credit card, his wife is jointly liable. So it's joint. End of.

@JoyceJames and legally unless she's named on that card she shouldn't be using it anyway.

If he builds up a huge bill on that credit card, his wife is jointly liable. So it's joint. End of.

Not actually true. Exh had 2 credit cards in his name and in our divorce he had to keep and be liable for the debt. Now we have no financial links it has no impact on my credit rating.

I know that as my responsibility, income, and scope increased, it’s always come with less flexibility and less practical time off.

Yes yes we get you do a big important man-job. Interesting that when my responsibility and income increased, I made sure it came also with more flexibility. I bet many men doing my job would also claim it's just impossible for them to do anything for a family and the wife just has to work a minimum wage job that fits around the children.