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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not puttinf partbers name on birth certificate

160 replies

OpportunityKnocks · 09/12/2019 08:31

I've read at least 3 threads in the last day where posters have told the OP not to put the fathers name on the birth certificate, despite the child being undeniably his.

It's actually appalling.

Why would you purposely do what you can to remove parental rights, which will affect the relationship that a father has with his child.

Yes, he can fight it through court, but why the hell would you do that to your child? You would be making it harder for him to have a relationship with his from the outset.

Not only that, but it really sets a tone for the next 18 years. I would be livid if my partner did that to me, regardless of the reasons. It's unforgivable.

Posters suggesting this are really giving no thought to the long term impact on the childs relationship with the father. Imagine of a father could do this to a mother?

OP posts:
delineateddelinquent · 09/12/2019 08:32

In most circumstances YANBU I guess but I think I’d need to hear each case on their own merit

Russell19 · 09/12/2019 08:35

Wasn't one of these threads where the father had raped the woman resulting in a child....? Situations are very different as the pp has said.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 09/12/2019 08:37

I agree that its cruel if the father will likely be a good involved father or if there is nothing to suggest otherwise. But for example if the father is abusive towards the mother and is threatening to take the child to get back at her etc then I think its probably a sensible precaution

Isadora2007 · 09/12/2019 08:37

If you’re not in a relationship with the man any longer or if he isn’t showing that his responsibilities are more important than his rights then it’s totally fine to not want them to have automatic PR by being on the BC.
If they do fight for it that at least shows some level of interest and commitment. And many won’t or don’t.

Original poster
OpportunityKnocks · 09/12/2019 08:39

@russell19 i didn't see that one. Definitely an exception there :(

OP posts:
Original poster
OpportunityKnocks · 09/12/2019 08:43

@ooohthestatsdontlie well, he wouldn't be able to take the child 'to get back at her'. Not really how custody works.

OP posts:
Original poster
OpportunityKnocks · 09/12/2019 08:44

@isadora2007
This is what I don't agree with. A father shouldn't have to 'fight' to show interest or commitment.

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 09/12/2019 08:45

Some fathers just don’t turn up

ForalltheSaints · 09/12/2019 08:49

Perhaps exceptions such as rape or previous domestic violence, but these should be exceptions.

As for the 'some fathers just don't turn up', well allegedly they have a role model in the Prime Minister who will not acknowledge one of his children.

SquareAsABlock · 09/12/2019 08:52

A father shouldn't have to 'fight' to show interest or commitment

Sadly, most of the time it's the mother who has to fight an absent father for these things. It's not just on MN, I can think of a few examples in real life, and more if I look at couples where I know the father would be a useless turd if the child's mother left them. That's not say all fathers are like this, or that keeping the name off the BC is in anyway ok as a 'power play'. However, many women put down a feckless father on the certificate in hope he will eventually grow up and be a father, only for it to be used against them every few years when the man decides to play they 'I want to be a dad' card. It's about what's right for the child, a part-time parent (and by that I mean in and out over the years) is not good for them. If they decide after years of being absent they want to really be a father, damn right they should have to fight for it. Most mothers dont get the option to 'think about' it.

sue51 · 09/12/2019 08:53

In another thread today, the mother was afraid that the baby's father lives with a parent who has been violent throughout his life. She wants to protect the baby from his brutal grandfather and keeping the name off the certificate would give her breathing space.

InvisibleToEveryone · 09/12/2019 08:56

Actually he could just take the child and not return them.

That's what 50/50 parental rights gives him by being on the birth certificate.

Unless of course there's a court order in place.

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2019 08:57

“ This is what I don't agree with. A father shouldn't have to 'fight' to show interest or commitment.”

I agree. He should also not get automatic PR if he has not shown himself to be ready to show interest and commitment.

needsomehelptoday · 09/12/2019 08:58

I've only ever seen it advised when the father is a scumbag and unlikely to be any source of support or good influence on the child.

I've never seen it suggested about a current partner.

AuntieStella · 09/12/2019 08:59

I have only seen advice to leave the father off the BC given on threads where it is clear there has been significant abuse (occasionally actual violence)

I think it is entirely right to remind people that they do not need to ensure automatic PR when the person in question is already hostile to the new family.

hsegfiugseskufh · 09/12/2019 08:59

Bertrand its not about the fathers rights, its about the childs rights.

Children IMO have a right to know who their father is regardless of the situation, they also have a right to contact with both parents unless that is damaging to them.

just because you've fallen out with your bf isn't a good enough reason.

Silverflake · 09/12/2019 09:00

Yes, if he is on the bc he could keep the child any time he decides and only a court order could force him to return them. I completely understand why some women don’t put them on there if they are abusive and threaten things regarding the child as a way of controlling the mother.

Oysterbabe · 09/12/2019 09:00

If he was an abusive arsehole I wouldn't put him on there. I doubt women are doing it just for fun.

needsomehelptoday · 09/12/2019 09:02

*Bertrand its not about the fathers rights, its about the childs rights.

Children IMO have a right to know who their father is regardless of the situation, they also have a right to contact with both parents unless that is damaging to them.

just because you've fallen out with your bf isn't a good enough reason.*

Not putting a father on the bc doesn't stop the child from having these rights

Iwantacookie · 09/12/2019 09:02

Because sometimes that is in the best interest of the child.
In most cases it IS disgusting BUT some men should NOT allowed to be fathers or should have parental responsibility revoked.
E.g ds2 dad (on birth certificate) hasn't bothered with him for the last 6 years. Yet he still has equal say over certain things just because he is on the birth certificate.
Why? He has proved hes not father material so why should he have equal say?

TheReef · 09/12/2019 09:02

I think there are always exceptions to the rule, however in most cases OP YANBU. Simply being an arsehole doesn't warrant not being on the birth certificate. There are plenty of women who have kids that are arseholes too.

Suebnm · 09/12/2019 09:03

Surely the father knows if he isn't married to the mother she can put who she likes as the father on the birth certificate. Or, not put anyone on if that is what she likes.

Maybe fathers should think about this before they have unprotected sex with someone they aren't married to.

It doesn't mean he can't be a father if his name isn't on the birth certificate.

hsegfiugseskufh · 09/12/2019 09:03

needsomehelptoday

of course it does - if the father isn't on the BC and mother decides not to tell child who the father is or allow access how do you suggest the child finds out?

father would have to take mother to court, and do a DNA test to prove he was the father and get these rights for his child.

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2019 09:04

Whether or not the father’s name is on the birth certificate makes absolutely no difference to the child’s rights.

hsegfiugseskufh · 09/12/2019 09:05

Bertrand of course it does - like I just said if the mother decides not to tell the child who their father is, and its not on the BC how do you suggest they find out who it is?

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