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Original poster

Not puttinf partbers name on birth certificate

160 replies

OpportunityKnocks · 09/12/2019 08:31

I've read at least 3 threads in the last day where posters have told the OP not to put the fathers name on the birth certificate, despite the child being undeniably his.

It's actually appalling.

Why would you purposely do what you can to remove parental rights, which will affect the relationship that a father has with his child.

Yes, he can fight it through court, but why the hell would you do that to your child? You would be making it harder for him to have a relationship with his from the outset.

Not only that, but it really sets a tone for the next 18 years. I would be livid if my partner did that to me, regardless of the reasons. It's unforgivable.

Posters suggesting this are really giving no thought to the long term impact on the childs relationship with the father. Imagine of a father could do this to a mother?

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 09/12/2019 12:00

Bertrand no, some wont bother. Some will though and that's the issue.

I think not putting a decent father on the BC for petty reasons is wrong, but I think PR not being taken away from proven abusers etc is wrong as well. But like I said I am not sure any system would fix it.

MissIronside · 09/12/2019 12:02

I made a massive mistake putting DD's fathers name down on her birth certificate. He has seen her three times in her whole life and has refused to bring her home every time. She's now four months old and she's exclusively breastfed but it's ok because he's on her birth certificate. There are a lot of brilliant dads out there but from my own experiences and those of people close to me, there are twice as many shit dads who should have earned the right to parental responsibility.

doritosdip · 09/12/2019 12:03

People are being advised not to put dps on birth certificates for far far far less than what it would take to have ss remove a mothers parental responsibility.

I have seen many threads where pregnant mums who want to move away from Dad are told not to register Dad then by the time he gets name on the BC then baby's habitual residence will be the new place so she won't have to move back.

However, there are NRP getting contact because the threshold for not getting contact is incredibly high.
It is nonsensical that courts give contact to NRP who have abused RP because they think that abusing RP doesn't mean that they'll abuse the kids. Kids can really try your patience but proven abusers get non-supervised contact with children who can't escape or tell their other parent what's happening. SadAngry
Really shocking that taking drugs isn't a sign of not being able to take care of a child too. Absolutely awful.

I think that they should expedite the removal of PR so that RP's hands aren't tied when they want to go on holiday, change the child's surname to mum's or sibling's ...

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2019 12:05

“ I think not putting a decent father on the BC for petty reasons is wrong,”

Have you any evidence that this ever happens? Or is it the same “wicked women” narrative that let to unmarried women not being allowed to name the father in his absence because she obviously can’t be trusted not to maliciously name someone not the father?

doritosdip · 09/12/2019 12:09

Having read my share of posts on MN, many mums seem to need to avoid their ILs rather than their ex. Unless there's proven abuse by the ILs (which is a costly and difficult process) there's no way for unsuitable gp to be prevented from having contact.

hsegfiugseskufh · 09/12/2019 12:09

Bertrand of course it happens! I know of one person who has put someone different on the BC because that was the current BF!

Like I said, not all women have their childrens best interests at heart. Why do you find that so unbelievable?

hsegfiugseskufh · 09/12/2019 12:10

and Bertrand maybe that rule was brought in for a reason, have you ever considered that?

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2019 12:17

“ I know of one person who has put someone different on the BC because that was the current BF!”

How did they do that?

timeisnotaline · 09/12/2019 12:35

Makes no sense to give NRPs and non-payers or non-parents rights over DC they're not fulfilling responsibilities to. It's not kind to DC. The women who finance and care for DC know that better than anyone. yep.

Women are in the majority of cases the ones left holding the baby when fathers piss off. They are the ones trying to protect the baby from poverty when incomes aren’t shared equally and the ones who struggle to earn enough to support them and a child as they have had a break in the career to have a baby. They are the ones trying to protect a baby from exposure to domestic violence , which is largely a male crime. There are so many things stacked against women in the parenting stakes that one little means of protecting their newborn baby from a bad influence seems a pretty minor weight on the other side of the scales.

TheSerenDipitY · 09/12/2019 12:42

some men dont deserve their names on the birth certificate ( some mothers dont either but thats another story)
my father used to beat my mother unconscious, in front of us, thats my first memory :)
fun times
when she finely left him, before he could kill her, he too did the "ill fight you for them" dance, he got visitation, on one of those visits he took us, moved towns, moved to a different island even, we were found months later and my grandparents kidnapped us back from him and returned us to our mother, he and his new wife had replacement children and didnt bother about us often, when i was 15 he attempted to get us to come to him again.... not out of love of wanting to be in our lives, nooooooo, because the tax department caught up with him over $18,000 of child support that needed to be paid.... what a prince.... we told him to get to fuck, he went to court and tried for custody, our voices were heard via all the letters we saved that had RETURN TO SENDER written on them ..... his rights were officially stripped, he decided to leave the country so he never had to pay that child support..... all that trauma we suffered could have been avoided if our mother hadnt put him on our birth certificate

wish i could forget my first memories, wish i could forget my father :)
but hey at least you get to judge other women and feel superior about your perfect life :) yay you!

dementedpixie · 09/12/2019 12:51

Surely the father knows if he isn't married to the mother she can put who she likes as the father on the birth certificate this isn't strictly true.

This could only happen if the other guy turned up to the appointment. They cant put any old person's name on it if they arent at the appointment with the mother

hsegfiugseskufh · 09/12/2019 12:51

Bertrand they didn't tell the actual father when they were registering the birth and took the new BF with them and registered the baby together? it doesn't take a genius to work out how that's possible.

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2019 12:53

So she and new boyfriend lied? And forcing women to put a man’s name on the birth certificate would prevent this exactly how. Unless you’re suggesting every registration requires a DNA test....

Ponoka7 · 09/12/2019 12:58

I gave that advice to the OP whose BF was living with his Dad, who has hit and belittled him all of his life.

When the Father found out the OP was pregnant, he hit his Son, who is in his 20's. The Son is scared of his Father and won't report him.

He can't safeguard himself and wouldn't be able to safeguard a baby.

Under circumstances should the child go to that house until things change.

Him not going on the BC might have given him the wake up call that he needs.

If it saves a child from abuse then it is perfectly acceptable and SS would agree.

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 09/12/2019 12:59

When my first child was born, her father’s name was on the birth certificate but he still had to apply for parental responsibility. It only changed to be automatic at the beginning of 2000s.

That law change became effective from December 2003. Both my DC have their dad on the BC, but he had no PR for the eldest, and automatic PR for the youngest. He's an ex now, for very good reasons, and neither DC want to see him. I do wish I'd insisted on my surname for the DC and not giving in to his demand that his surname was given to them.

hsegfiugseskufh · 09/12/2019 13:02

Bertrand yes they lied, obviously.

I haven't once suggested forcing women to put a mans name on the BC have I? I also haven't said that "forcing" women to do it would stop them lying.

You just said that you didn't think women did lie or not put names on the BC for petty reasons, and I said they did, and gave you an example.

For whatever reason now you're asking to me explain things I didn't even say!

GunpowderGelatine · 09/12/2019 13:05

Meh I'll da e my outrage for the many, many more men who leave their ex and their child destitute because they have decided a baby is inconvenient and won't see them or pay maintenance.

If you are pregnant and have an abusive ex who would be a danger to a child then it's a very smart move to leave him off the birth certificate. Contrary to popular belief the family court system is very much stacked against women and the harder we make it for abusive men the safer our children will be.

GunpowderGelatine · 09/12/2019 13:05

*save not da e - really need to proof read before I press 'post'Blush

GunpowderGelatine · 09/12/2019 13:07

Surely the father knows if he isn't married to the mother she can put who she likes as the father on the birth certificate

Yeah this is most definitely true, it's so true that I put David Beckham on mine and get £4million a month maintenance

Starlight456 · 09/12/2019 13:17

My exh is on bc so had automatic pr anyway .

He was deemed unsafe to see Ds unsupervised from 6 weeks old , hasn’t seen Ds in 9 years but still has parental responsibility , so makes my life more difficult., my Ds has never seen his bc but knows who his dad is .

Of course there are crap mothers out there but as they have automatic pr it’s irrelevant. This us about what is best for the child . Pr is virtually impossible to remove so yes people should think carefully .

That doesn’t mean that someone who wants to be involved shouldn’t

Grumpos · 09/12/2019 13:19

Because some men show themselves to be totally lacking in decency, empathy, kindness or human fucking decency during a pregnancy.
And giving automatic rights to a child to such a person is irresponsible and dangerous.
You may believe it to be unforgivable but you have clearly never been absolutely fucking shit scared of some abusive arsehole have you? Or you’d understand that every single case is different and nothing in this world can be categorically defined as the right or wrong thing to do. Especially when you have no personal experience.

PumpkinP · 09/12/2019 13:37

I wish my ex wasn’t on the bc, he has been absent for 3 years but simply being on the bc means I need his permission for things, why do I need permission from a man who is ABSENT and hasn’t seen his kids in years? I would advise any single mothers to not put their ex on the bc. Learn from my mistake!

aggitatedstate · 09/12/2019 13:43

If my DS's Father had turned up then yes I would've put him on BC, but I couldn't do it without him as we were not married.

What do you suggest I do @OpportunityKnocks

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2019 13:51

Fair enough @Bollykecks. Not sure what you are saying, frankly! The only way you can change the current situation is to introduce. Rule saying that women have to name the father on the birth certificate. And prove it.

JacobReesClunge · 09/12/2019 13:56

BTW, the law as it is currently framed is there to protect men.

The (misogynist) assumption is that unmarried women would put any poor sap on the birth certificate just to get child maintenance, so the law is set up so that a single mother cannot register the birth with both parents unless the man goes with her to the registrar's.

Yup!

Also OP you evidently didn't understand before this thread the impact of putting the father's name on the BC in terms of PR and what this means he can actually do. Your strong opinion on the matter was evidently an uninformed one. So YABU to be so blanket in your approach, because what an unmarried mother should do is take the decision that's in the child's best interests. It is as stupid to pretend this will always involve allowing the name of a willing father to be added as it is to pretend it never will. Depends on the situation.