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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not puttinf partbers name on birth certificate

160 replies

OpportunityKnocks · 09/12/2019 08:31

I've read at least 3 threads in the last day where posters have told the OP not to put the fathers name on the birth certificate, despite the child being undeniably his.

It's actually appalling.

Why would you purposely do what you can to remove parental rights, which will affect the relationship that a father has with his child.

Yes, he can fight it through court, but why the hell would you do that to your child? You would be making it harder for him to have a relationship with his from the outset.

Not only that, but it really sets a tone for the next 18 years. I would be livid if my partner did that to me, regardless of the reasons. It's unforgivable.

Posters suggesting this are really giving no thought to the long term impact on the childs relationship with the father. Imagine of a father could do this to a mother?

OP posts:

hsegfiugseskufh · 09/12/2019 09:59

what do you mean "how"

Confusedbeetle · 09/12/2019 10:01

There are no such thing as parental rights, only parental responsibility

Supersimkin2 · 09/12/2019 10:01

In Scandinavia if a couple split each parent automatically gets 50:50 custody. That justifies joint PR. You can't get out of it, either.

You'd be surprised how many men in Sweden & Denmark suddenly don't feel the same urge to get their name on the birth certificate.

If children's rights are the only issue, and they should be, the birth cert should be a document about biology, not about parenting or ownership.

Makes no sense to give NRPs and non-payers or non-parents rights over DC they're not fulfilling responsibilities to. It's not kind to DC. The women who finance and care for DC know that better than anyone.

It's a mother's duty to stop contact with a bad father. A missing parents is much less harmful to a child than a bad parent.

happycamper11 · 09/12/2019 10:01

I agree. I've seen this loads. Nobody seems to consider that it is the right of the child to have an identity and a named parent. Of the father is a danger then make the relevant arrangements through court/contact centre/SS etc but don't mess with the child like that. Obviously in the case of rape then this would be an exception but my experience of seeing this is the same as OP's where it's just relationship breakdown etc. Ive never actually seen an example where it's been a result of assault. Shit partners can often go on to be decent parents.

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2019 10:03

“Shit partners can often go on to be decent parents.“

And he can go on the birth certificate when he has shown that the shitness does not extend to his parenting.

hsegfiugseskufh · 09/12/2019 10:04

Bertrand why doesn't that apply to mothers, then?

hsegfiugseskufh · 09/12/2019 10:05

If children's rights are the only issue, and they should be, the birth cert should be a document about biology, not about parenting or ownership

I agree

happycamper11 · 09/12/2019 10:09

If a father is named on the BC he can indeed just take the child and refuse to return them. We’ve had several threads on MN this year alone where that exact situation has happened resulting in mothers not seeing their children for weeks at a time until a court orders they can have contact.

In every one of these cases I've seen it's been older children where the father has had constant contact throughout their lives. If a father snatched a young baby it would be fast tracked through court, baby returned and father having very restricted contact going forward (I do know about this subject I'm familiar with quite a few cases)

LIZS · 09/12/2019 10:12

If they are not married the father has to be present to register, which in itself is not always appropriate.

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2019 10:13

“ Bertrand why doesn't that apply to mothers, then?”

Yeah- shit, isn’t it? Life is so tough for men!

Are you seriously expecting a woman who has recently given birth in what are obviously less than ideal circumstances, to co e up with a properly evidenced case to exclude the father from the birth certificate in 6 weeks? Seriously?

mrssoap · 09/12/2019 10:14

Depends on circumstances. In normal situations of course you should put the father on it. However, if a woman is raped, or come from a domestic violence home, I don't think it would be wrong to not put him on.

My friend fell pregnant, the father didn't want anything to do with it, she met someone else and ended up putting him on the birth certificate. Now, I don't agree with it, as it's a lie. The man on that birth certificate is not her real father, and the mother knows this. Should have left it blank in my opinion (the real father refused to be on it anyway).
I told her I thought it was a bad idea but it's done now 🤷‍♀️

NearlyGranny · 09/12/2019 10:15

Sorry, but a "father" who has been repeatedly careless about contraception (most likely for a few seconds of slightly more intense pleasure for himself) and then puts pressure on the woman carrying his unplanned child to terminate her pregnancy because he doesn't want to be a father or he is too deeply involved with drugs to engage or too young to be tied down, is not someone the responsible parent planning to continue the pregnancy needs to hand control of the next 18 years of her life and her child's life to, is it?

A father who wakes up and shapes up can always be added later, once he's successfully demonstrated his commitment. As for a child's right to know their father, if the true story is that the father spent the first months of the pregnancy trying to convince your mother to destroy you, what would you expect the mother to actually say to the child and why would such a father reasonably expect to be consulted on every decision made on that child's behalf?

He doesn't have to be a full-on rapist to be seriously bad news, does he? Every change of school, every house move, every trip abroad, every Christmas and Easter and summer holiday for the next eighteen plus years (count the pregnancy) you'd give this man carte blanche to reach in and make demands and complications and hedge other people's lives with restrictions? Really?

I wouldn't. The child can be told who their father is and meet him without his name on the BC. Why give him the power to mess up the life of a child he wanted destroyed?

hsegfiugseskufh · 09/12/2019 10:17

well for one, if the mother only doesn't want to put the father on the BC because she's fallen out with him, or because she's with a new man than shes not in "less than ideal circumstances" is she?

this is what I mean, you're assuming that all women who don't want the father on the BC are being abused etc - they're not neccesarily!

Im not saying they need to make a properly evidenced case, i'm just saying that it shouldn't be so widely accepted that mothers don't have to put dads on the BC simply because they don't want to, or for spiteful reasons.

happycamper11 · 09/12/2019 10:19

It's not about biology it's about identity... if the father is truly awful/a danger then access can be restricted through the correct channels before the child is even born but maybe SS or family courts are in a better position to judge this than strangers on mumsnet

hsegfiugseskufh · 09/12/2019 10:19

nearlygranny you seem to be talking about something very specific there!

why shouldn't a father have any say in their childs life btw? that seems to be what you're implying?

why should a mother hold all the power over a child and the father absolutely none?

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2019 10:26

“well for one, if the mother only doesn't want to put the father on the BC because she's fallen out with him, or because she's with a new man than shes not in "less than ideal circumstances" is she?“

But you’re still expecting her to prove it one way or the other. How would it work?

hsegfiugseskufh · 09/12/2019 10:28

Bertrand it couldn't work, it relies on women being honest and fair, and its clear that not all women are capable of that.

I just personally think that some womens reasons aren't good enough.

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2019 10:30

Bollykecks

Bertrand it couldn't work, it relies on women being honest and fair, and its clear that not all women are capable of that.”
But men, on the other hand, are automatically good fathers....

Somanysocks · 09/12/2019 10:31

But a birth certificate is a document of fact for the child. It is unfair for them in later life to see a blank space where the father's name should be. The mother's name is always on there and rightly so, but i know mothers who definitely don't deserve their kids.

MrsCBY · 09/12/2019 10:32

In every one of these cases I've seen it's been older children where the father has had constant contact throughout their lives.

And that makes it OK, happycamper?? Is that what you’re saying??

Tippexy · 09/12/2019 10:33

If the father wants to be on the birth certificate then he should do things properly and marry the mother before birth, shouldn't he?

hsegfiugseskufh · 09/12/2019 10:33

Bertrand I never said that, I think the issue is that men are assumed automatically to not be good fathers, and have to prove that they are before being allowed on a legal document

mothers on the other hand, automatically are on the BC and don't have to prove they are a good parent in order to be allowed access to their child or put their name on a legal document.

mothers are assumed to be brilliant angels who only care about the child, and fathers are assumed to be awful bastards who only want to be on the BC to cause issues for the mother.

Its batshit.

MuisingCruising · 09/12/2019 10:35

My dad isnt on my birth certificate or my sisters , when they split up my mum moved us all miles away and made my dad go to court for access for me and my sister.

It took him 2 years but he did it and he got access for EOW. My mum not putting my dad on the birth certificate didnt stop my dad from wanting to raise and be in his daughters lives.

If they want to be part of their kids lives they will be, being on the birth certificate is neither here nor there,

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2019 10:36

“ mothers are assumed to be brilliant angels who only care about the child, and fathers are assumed to be awful bastards who only want to be on the BC to cause issues for the mother.“

What a very strange alternative universe you do live in!

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 09/12/2019 10:38

Some people clearly living in a bubble.

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