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Original poster

Not puttinf partbers name on birth certificate

160 replies

OpportunityKnocks · 09/12/2019 08:31

I've read at least 3 threads in the last day where posters have told the OP not to put the fathers name on the birth certificate, despite the child being undeniably his.

It's actually appalling.

Why would you purposely do what you can to remove parental rights, which will affect the relationship that a father has with his child.

Yes, he can fight it through court, but why the hell would you do that to your child? You would be making it harder for him to have a relationship with his from the outset.

Not only that, but it really sets a tone for the next 18 years. I would be livid if my partner did that to me, regardless of the reasons. It's unforgivable.

Posters suggesting this are really giving no thought to the long term impact on the childs relationship with the father. Imagine of a father could do this to a mother?

OP posts:
doritosdip · 09/12/2019 09:05

Yanbu
I think that England should start removing PR of parents who have no contact with their kids for X years (maybe 5?)

AlphaJura · 09/12/2019 09:07

This happened to a friend of mine. She fell pregnant and wasn't in a relationship with the father. She told him and he said that even though they weren't together, he wanted to be a part of his dcs life. She didn't put him on the BC because previously her ex partner who she had been with for a few years took her to court and gained custody of her older child. The fact he had parental responsibility went in his favour. She didn't want it being used against her again so she didn't put this one on the BC. Turns out he hasn't been as involved as he'd said he was going to be and she's had to fight for maintenance and to get him to see his dc so it's just aswell imo. No one is saying they can't have access to their dc, but not to have 'parental responsibility' if you're not sure they are going to take up that responsibility.

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2019 09:08

“ Bertrand of course it does - like I just said if the mother decides not to tell the child who their father is, and its not on the BC how do you suggest they find out who it is?”
A shame. I hope very much that doesn’t happen. But better than the alternative.

LolaSmiles · 09/12/2019 09:09

Most of the time this advice is given when the situation is abusive. In those situations it's absolutely appropriate advice.

However, some posters do seem to suggest keeping the father off the birth certificate because it will be easier for the Mum, no ties to the dad, make him get it in court etc and that goes with some women who do use the child as a weapon or bargaining chip. Those women do exist and do play God with parental access and contact and so on.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 09/12/2019 09:11

well, he wouldn't be able to take the child 'to get back at her'. Not really how custody works.

This shows just how little you know about the whole situation.

If a father is named on the BC he can indeed just take the child and refuse to return them. We’ve had several threads on MN this year alone where that exact situation has happened resulting in mothers not seeing their children for weeks at a time until a court orders they can have contact.

Myusername101 · 09/12/2019 09:13

My child's fathers name isn't on the birth certificate. He strangled me, punched me, emotionally abused me for years and I found out I was pregnant I fled in the night literally left with nothing but the clothes on my back.
He comes from a very rich family with very good lawyers (he has been to crown court 5 times for drug dealing and never got more than a slap on the wrist) and I was terrified he'd take my baby off by making me look an unfit mother with his amazing lawyers while I represented myself.
I did what I think was right for my child and I would do it again 100 times. The man couldn't look after a hamster.

Original poster
OpportunityKnocks · 09/12/2019 09:13

So some valid points here of exceptions. But these should only be exceptions in very serious cases. Not a 'go to'.

I'm talking about threads where the dp is being an a-hat or saying something like 'I'm going to fight for custody' and posters quick to say 'don't put him on the birth cert'.

It's putting up a blocker for the father from the outset.

Btw, I'm a child of divorce where my parents were too busy saying 'they're mine' and doing what was easiest for themselves, they totally overlooked what was best for their children.

OP posts:
Mintypea5 · 09/12/2019 09:13

I'm sure there was a thread recently (well last few months) where the father took the child and the other was unable to get them back. When she managed to go to court to try force him because it had been a few week the court found in favour of the father keeping the child until the next set of hearings etc. Heart breaking

Also from
Personal experience my older brother and sisters father just didn't bring them back after contact one weekend. My mum was waiting at the station for them and he just didn't show. Instead he ran away to France with them and by the time he came back to the uk a year or so later (my mum tried everything she could to find them and force him to give them back) the court decided he should keep the children because they were young and didn't have the relationship with my mum they had with their dad.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 09/12/2019 09:17

Yes @Mintypea5, that thread was in September I think. The father even prevented the child from going to school, claiming she was ill and had tried to register her at another school.

hsegfiugseskufh · 09/12/2019 09:19

If a father is named on the BC he can indeed just take the child and refuse to return them. We’ve had several threads on MN this year alone where that exact situation has happened resulting in mothers not seeing their children for weeks at a time until a court orders they can have contact

yep and vice versa, but nobody seems to be bothered when a woman stops a man seeing their child do they?

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2019 09:19

“ t's putting up a blocker for the father from the outset.”

Isn’t that rather the point?

hsegfiugseskufh · 09/12/2019 09:20

but Bertrand its not necessary to put up a blocker for the father from the outset in most cases is it?

and they can simply go to court and get PR pretty easily anyway.

MoggyP · 09/12/2019 09:21

of course it does - like I just said if the mother decides not to tell the child who their father is, and its not on the BC how do you suggest they find out who it is?

If the father really wanted to be an actual father, then he wouid apply through the courts. It's not difficult, and not particularly expensive.

If he can't even be bothered to do that, then what is it that the DC s missing out on? Medical info, I suppose. But that might not be forthcoming even from a named deadbeat

TabbyMumz · 09/12/2019 09:22

The Father can marry the Mother if they want to be on the birth certificate.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 09/12/2019 09:22

My own experience: Dc dad started using drugs while I was pregnant. I left him. Had the baby. He saw him in the first week, made all the right noises about being clean and then disappeared. So I registered him alone. He was absent for the first 3 years of his life. Intermittent and unreliable contact for the next few and has been entirely absent for the last 2 years. All his own choice. DC and I have lived in the same town, 5 miles away from exp the entire time. Even if exp has been available to have his name on the BC I wouldn’t have put it on and what has happened since has shown me it would be the right choice.

hsegfiugseskufh · 09/12/2019 09:22

moggy

well yes, they could, and IMO should.

Why the assumption that all dads are deadbeats who don't care though?

HRH2020 · 09/12/2019 09:23

Parental rights come with parental responsibilities, something these "I'll fight you for custody" idiots seldom realise.

My child's father didn't turn up to the registration. I suggested he applied after the fact, he never bothered. Stopped seeing DC altogether by the time he was seven - because I had applied to the CSA for maintenance when DC was six.

Original poster
OpportunityKnocks · 09/12/2019 09:23

@bertrandrussell

Yes. But it's the ridiculous they can 'just' get it removed at a later date 'once they proved their worth'. Totally ridiculous. A mother doesn't have to prove her worth to be on a bc

OP posts:
IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 09/12/2019 09:24

yep and vice versa, but nobody seems to be bothered when a woman stops a man seeing their child do they?

I’ve been around long enough and seen enough to know the realities in most of those situations.

HRH2020 · 09/12/2019 09:25

@OpportunityKnocks I disagree, if the mother doesn't prove her suitability as a mother, social services can remove her parental responsibility via court

CmdrCressidaDuck · 09/12/2019 09:25

I've never understood this "the child deserves to know who their father is!" business. I never looked at my own birth certificate in my entire life, until I was getting married myself and had to produce it. If a child doesn't know who their father is, it sure as hell isn't because they aren't specifically named on some document.

How many of the PP reading ever looked at their own birth certificate as a child?

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2019 09:26

“ but Bertrand its not necessary to put up a blocker for the father from the outset in most cases is it?”

No it isn’t. Which is why most fathers are on the birth certificate.

hsegfiugseskufh · 09/12/2019 09:27

iwork you cannot say "most" at all. Not all mothers have their childrens best interest at heart, and some mothers use their children as weapons.

The thing is, when a man gets stopped from seeing his children, everyone jumps to the conclusion that its for a good reason even though sometimes its not, at all.

When a woman gets stopped from seeing her children, or the dad "fights for custody" everyone thinks ohhh that poor woman shes had her babies taken off her by that evil man, and the man gets branded an idiot, as above.

Not all mothers are brilliant, not all dads are shit.

MN is so so bias towards mothers its untrue.

leghairdontcare · 09/12/2019 09:27

OP, you seem happy to acknowledge that there are valid "exceptions" to your rule. Rape, abusive fathers, fathers on drugs, alcoholics. Unfortunately, what this thread will tell you is that there are a lot of men who qualify as an exception. Women aren't keeping men off the birth certificate of their child because they're petty.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 09/12/2019 09:28

Yeah I can say most. Like I said. I’ve seen enough to know.

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