Is having 3 really that bad?

[comfybedandadarngoodbook]

Just found out I'm pregnant with child #3. Is having 3 really that bad. My husband says people tell him three is really hard and they regret it all the time. At every stage. For me I've never had people regretting; yes a lot of work and energy. Not sure what we'll decide to do but I just need some other people's perspective!

I had 4 under 5 - first 3 months were hard work until the eldest started school, but after that it was fine. I think going from one to two is most difficult. Do you have any friends with 3 children he could talk to?

@BeatriceTheBeast I can't do links, which is why I wrote "check Sunday's Guardian" or words to that effect.

@shiveringsparklingtimber

Everyone can do links, you just post the web address and put a on one side and a on the other.

I've checked the Guardian website and I'm not seeing it. As I'm sure you are aware it is now Monday, so I cant go and buy a copy.

So maybe you could manage to type in the title of the article then?

And thanks for the biscuit! Yummy! So kind of you.

The people I know who have 3 have certainly put me off ever having more than 2.

They look miserable and stressed

@shiveringsparklingtimber

Or perhaps a little quote from the article where it states that children born today will not make it last middle age? Or is that too taxing?

Sorry, but if you make statements like that, you need to be able to back them up.

Hi OP

If you get money for two kids and you would have to pay everything yourselves for a third, maybe his money worries are legitimate.

My husband wasnt that keen on going from 1 to 2, we talked about it and eventually decided to do it, but in hindsight I wanted it because I just felt like I wanted it, and his concerns were actually legitimate, I just ignored them because I wanted it so much.

I would sit down and agree to not argue or say anything personal just talk about practicalities and really talk it through and both try and listen to each other. Could he ask his employers about funding towards a third child? Look at how your finances would actually work in detail. Could you get more detailed private tests to reassure him on health issues? What would the impact on your other children be? It might not change the outcome or feelings but it will probably help if you feel like you are communicating

We have 2. We agreed to stop after DC2 was born. We can afford to have more but choose to not. Because it would mean our attention would be divided further and we want to give as much as we can to the 2 we have.

I partly agree with your DH but you're saying that it will take him away from his hobbies - that just makes him a selfish fucker. What do you think is the actual reason for not wanting another child? If it's hobbies, I'd be leaving him regardless because he's selfish.

Do you work OP? I'm asking as that could have an impact on the affordability of DC3

@shiveringsparklingtimber

www.theguardian.com/environment/2019/dec/08/a-z-of-climate-anxiety-how-to-avoid-meltdown

Found it for you dear . I think it's meant to be slightly tongue in cheek tbh. And one respected scientist saying it is at least highly unlikely that his teenagers will live beyond late middle age is not quite what you said.

You're welcome btw. And have one of these .

OP, I have to say, I think your DH sounds as if he’s being horrible to you about this.

It’s all very well to be “very money orientated,” but life happens. It doesn’t sound as if you’re living in poverty.

Why is he convinced something will be wrong with the baby? Can I ask how old you are?

I don’t know how many weeks pregnant you are, but you need to remind your DH that this is the sibling to your current children. If he forces you to terminate, he will have to live with that for the rest of his life. Every milestone for your other two, you’ll be wondering about this baby and what might have been. Has he thought this through?

The resentment you will feel towards him is more likely to push you apart than the alternative. Chances are, he’ll accept reality once the pregnancy develops and the baby arrives and he’ll never look back. Is he fairly hands on with your current two?

There’s no way of knowing how hard it is going from two to three because it purely depends on the personality of the child. My third was a dream, but number two was far more demanding.

Yes it does mean extra rooms in hotels and larger cars, but you just adapt - eg. find places that do family rooms or have an extra pull-out sofa in the room. No drama really. The extra set of school fees is significant for sure, but I’m not sure there’s much you can do about that. Maybe if and when you come back to the UK, move to a good grammar school area if they’re reasonably academic? There’s always the chance one of them could get some kind of sports or music or whatever scholarship? You just never know!

I do wish you all the best and I’m so sorry he’s not being more supportive. He needs to think beyond the money through and remember there are more important things in life.

In my experience 3 did make a big difference and it wasn't something I'd planned for but we soon got into the swing of things. It can be hard work at times but you wouldn't have it any other way in the end. Your husband will be OK once he's got off the floor and slapped himself around the head with the news paper a few times.

Thanks @BeatriceTheBeast! That's the one. I wasn't sure just how tongue-in-cheek it was meant to be. And a for your tea, dear friend.

I never regretted having three for one moment, and they have a great relationship with each other. No. 3 didn't make that much difference even as a baby.

Things like needing a slightly larger car and different holiday arrangements are hardly major arguments in his favour. For what it's worth, we usually have self-catering holidays anyway, but we prefer the freedom that that gives us.

Is your DH really putting forward the argument about his hobbies? Because the suggestion that you should go through a potentially very traumatic procedure just for the sake of his hobbies is immensely selfish. If he cared that much about them he should have had a vasectomy.

OP, what steps did he take to prevent a pregnancy that he is dead against?

I think things like "maybe you can moisten your muesli with your tears" instead of dairy (bad) or oat milk (also bad), implies it's a bit tongue in cheek.

Highly unlikely children will get past late middle age, so what? 65? Not as dramatic as "our children won't make it past middle age". It's not the most useful article or quote tbh as "a respected scientist said to me..." isn't great as a source.

Not to say there's nothing to worry about; far from it! But I do like people to be accurate if they are going to make big statements like you did @shiveringsparklingtimber. Even on public forums.

I'm glad I persevered and found the article though, even though it isn't the most useful for serious discussion about climate change.

He's never wanted 3 but accidents happen

Conveniently though as I don't know any couple who had made up their mind not to have more children ending up with accidents and I'm in my late 40s.

The issue here is whether your oh believes you. If he does, he might get over the shock and end up delighted. If he thinks you lied because you knew he'd say no, stopped your contraception or altered it, he is likely to hold resentment for a long time and this could seriously affect your relationship.

Have 3.
When still with exp yes hotel rooms for 5 are an issue

If you need three car seats you may need different car.
So what...maybe you Airbnb or drop a grade down in hotel...
itsounds like you have a good expat lifestyle.
What about your hobbies?

If you terminate for him you feel bad
If you have baby and he continues to moan and be selfish you may end up separating.
Get informed on your financial situation should you divorce....

Maybe he comes around to the idea.

I think it depends on your personality whether it's hard. I've got 2 and I think that's probably enough for me. I understand how you feel, but it does seem a little unfair on your husband. I wouldn't want the decision making for me. Also, its legitimate for him to point out that there could be an issue with the baby, I don't think he's saying there definitely will be, just that you have up be ready for every eventuality.

I have four so no, three is not hard. I had three under three, that was difficult as hell but it was more the small age gaps that got me rather than having three. Now they’re older it’s a lot easier and the fourth was an absolute doddle. You’ll be fine!

Sorry OP, I asked my question up thread intending to come back and answer your question but I got distracted.

I have 3 slightly closer ages to yours (all 2 years apart almost to the day). Ds1 was just 4 and ds2 Just 2 when dd was born. They are now 7,5,3 and it’s been really hard. It means just as one is coming out of one stage the other is entering it. So I’ve had 7 years of nappies and crappy sleep. 6 years of someone running away from me in shops, throwing tantrums etc. It just seems endless.

We were originally planning 4 and I thank god every day we changed our minds. I can’t face more years of nappies and being pawed at and climbed on etc. It’s had a huge impact on our marriage in that life is just crowd control and getting thru the day till we can go to bed. It’s only just starting to get a bit easier but we’ve not got any energy left for each other.

I obviously love all of them so don’t regret having them tho, I just wish I’d left a longer gap. My friends with at least 3 years between their kids have a much easier time.

Sorry @BeatriceTheBeast for my clumsiness. I read it v. v. early Sunday so wasn't properly awake. It did frighten me enough to have it percolating in my brain all day yesterday.

Nevertheless, unless you're very wealthy, I would advise against having more than two children. My sister had a third child and privately admitted to me that she wished she hadn't. Too much work, too tiring, too expensive, too destabilising.

Sorry, OP. This won't be what you hope to hear. Bear in mind that every family is different. Good luck.

It was meant to be alarming I think @shiveringsparklingtimber. So I don't blame you. It was written by someone without all that much knowledge of the subject, I am guessing and meant to be entertaining and a bit terrifying, which is how most people feel about climate change. They need to know more, because it's so scary. If I was feeling cynical I might say that some of the more alarmist headlines are a way to sell papers, but that implies there is no need for alarm when there actually is. But I definitely read CC articles really carefully now and look for something conclusive before I freak the fuck out. Again, not to say there is no need to freak out / be alarmed. It is alarming, but not to the point where I am convinced, as some are that the human race will definitely be extinct in our lifetime.

Anyway, if we get all philosophical about it, extinction has always been a real possibility. We don't expect to be on the planet forever. Nobody knows what will happen, which is why facts are the only thing we have and why I personally do not take the word of some journo who heard from an anonymous "respected" scientist that x, y or z. Those pieces are meant to be sensationalist and we bloody devour them. They have their place and we should be alarmed so I don't even necessarily object to them, but I also don't read them as gospel.

Sorry for hijack op!

Hope you're ok .

There’s a post currently active in Ask Me Anything from a parent with 8 kids.

You should read it. It’s enlightening.

I’m not sure why the Ops husband is getting such a hard time because he doesn’t want a third child. His concerns seem legitimate enough and it doesn’t say anywhere he has been horrible? (Unless I’ve missed that somewhere)

Hope you are feeling better today op.