Is having 3 really that bad?

[comfybedandadarngoodbook]

Just found out I'm pregnant with child #3. Is having 3 really that bad. My husband says people tell him three is really hard and they regret it all the time. At every stage. For me I've never had people regretting; yes a lot of work and energy. Not sure what we'll decide to do but I just need some other people's perspective!

You can keep it because it is your body and, ultimately, it’s your choice. You will cope and everything will be ok.

No not prepared.

@comfybedandadarngoodbook

How far along are you?

I found it really hard until they were all school age (2 years between each of mine).

I don’t think my ex h was on the same page about having number 3 and whereas I adore our third (as much as I adore the other two), I don’t think he feels the same and their relationship isn’t as good as mine is with the third.
It wasn’t easy when they were really little but if you are one of those types who just gets on with having two then you’ll just get on with having 3. I wouldn’t swap any of the extra expense for anything - our third was meant to be here.

Is he perhaps upset because he didn't get a choice in it? Does he think that it was your choice, rather than a mutual decision? If so, then I can understand why he's not happy. It isn't about whether 3 kids is right, it's about not sharing the choice.

More importably how far along are you and will you be able to pay all the extras for 3rd child

My husband is very money orientated and all he can think about is the cost of going from 4 to 5. Flights, hotel room, days out, new car etc etc. I can bear the thought of that for the next 20 years.

Presuming you're not in financial difficulty, cost is what you make it. Holidays, we drive or we go for cheaper options (e.g., cheaper accommodation). AirBnB opens up lots more options and there are lots of places that offer three bedrooms in their accommodation options.

Days out, we used to get a family ticket which covers two adults and two children then buy an additional two child tickets although we have Max Cards now for a lot of attractions as we have two children with additional needs. We normally buy an annual pass for a local attraction as their shared gift "from Santa" which can be used for days out all year. In previous years Santa has brought National Trust membership, English Heritage membership, annual passes for the zoo, several of the local museums and attractions, and this year he's bringing a cinema membership.

I can't help on the car as there are six of us so we have a seven seater anyway.

Clothes and shoes are our biggest child-related expense, you're talking around the £300 mark to kit all four out with shoes, wellies, PE trainers, and football boots. I keep back what I can for hand-me-downs, for example DS1 has grown out of a lovely Zara coat that he's only had for a couple of months and it's still pristine so it's been bagged and stored for DS2 for next winter. I make use of the sales and will buy things in the next size to put by for when they're needed.

1 to 2 was harder than 2 to 3. No. 3 just slotted in, I had already had to deal with 2 small people needing attention, my eldest was in school, and 3 is great when they all play together. 2 years between my middle and youngest, 3 between my eldest and middle. We didn't need a bigger car, a 5 seater is fine, we already had baby stuff so it was cheaper, already had a double buggy, travelodge let you take a baby/ toddler along anyway, eldest loves to walk with youngest and hold his hand, it's great. I wouldn't change it for the world. They werent all easy sleep - through-the night babies and toddlers either!

Twins here, then Number 3. 0-2 was obviously mind-blowing, 2-3 was hard but nothing like 0-2.

I think your husband is right to have concerns, particularly with your update re your package. We have teens now and whilst 2 would be expensive, 3 is ridicuous. Apart from the day to day expenses (which I think you just find a way of managing) its the big things like big school trips, driving lessons, saving for university etc that have the most impact for 3. Holiday companies / hotels are absolutely not geared up for 5. Paying for 5 (usually adult prices now for most things), eating out, theatre / concerts etc is expensive.

I wouldnt change it, but I'm not that money orientated, but if your husband is, its a realistic concern. It will inevitably mean you have to make compromises that will affect you / your husband & your existing children (financially and time-wise), you and your husband will probably have to work longer. Dont get me wrong, Number 3 brought / brings so much joy to the family but we definitely would have had an easier life if we'd stuck with two and been better off financially.

3 fit in a car, so that’s a non-issue (although we have a 5+2 seater, the extra seats haven’t been used much).
Holidays, we did mobile homes in France, or cottages, and latterly all-suite hotels with 2 x doubles + sofa bed. One extra flight is not a deal-breaker.
Family tickets for days out usually cover 2 adults + 3 kids. Family rail cards and things like National Trust membership cover everyone.

Honestly for us three is the magic number. They are a proper little gang, it’s a joy

@Jaxhog I’m getting the impression it wasn’t her choice either.

I have four. It is hard at times. Three was ok, but if I'm honest, it's not the amount of children you have, it's small age gaps. The thing I find hard also, about having a lot of children is that you spread yourself thin and there's always an appointment to be at and it's impossible to attend everything without help.

I have 5. If two of them are out my house feels so quiet and calm! 3 is fine congrats

I've got a 6 year old, a 2 year old and a 7 month old and I love having three. It's considerably less hard than going from 0-1 I've found. I haven't regretted it once.

Oh OP I sympathise; I'm 35 weeks with a surprise (contraceptive failure) third pregnancy. I was absolutely bricking it, was so bewildered and missed all early signs as it didn't even enter my mind it could be down to pregnancy.

We genuinely considered abortion but we quickly realised how much we love the other 2 and how we would just make it work. I'm sure you will both be fine, it will just take some adjustments and once you've had more than one, I do think that subsequent babies much less of a shock and much easier to deal with. We are both now very excited - just communicate with each other and allow each other to Express your worries and fears.

I would not like the idea of having 3 personally but that's just me, but ending a life because of what sounds like just money

(mainly) well I just couldn't. I mean someone is going to be unhappy no matter what you do (if no body changes heart) keep it; husband. Not keep it; you. But I do believe you should get the final say. I think really there is a reason the woman gets to choose legally, because its her body and your the one going to have to go through it and the emotional trauma after. You may be in for a rocky ride with your marriage either way, unless you can agree to be on the same page. All the best

I have three. It’s wonderful! I love having three kids. Yes it was hard in the early stages but totally worth it and I have a happy household full of people now. Brilliant!

I regretted getting accidentally pregnant with number 3, all the way through pregnancy really, but she's amazing. It is harder than 2 obviously, but I am so glad we had her. Mine are now 2, 5 & 6.

Admittedly I didn’t have any financial worries but I found 3 DC absolutely fine. 0-1 was hard, 1-2 ok and so was 2 to 3.

If he was so certain that he didn’t want a third child, why did he not get a vasectomy?

It sounds like a third would tighten your budget, but not be devastating financially. Even with your current family, you never know when unexpected expenses will hit. DH and I have had to g

I found one to two easy. They were newborn and 23 months
I had my third when eldest was three years and eight months and middle child was 21 months.
It was brutal
It still is
But they are wonderful children and already so close.

You cope because you have to and the good far outweighs the bad: they are their own mini family

I struggle to understand how people can say 1-2 is hard and 2-3 is easy...how? Surely more dc is more work full stop?

Genuinely curious! I have two and definitely don't want anymore. Admittedly they are 1 & 2 but I just can't understand how it's easier having an extra child. Even when they're out of the baby stage it's another to ferry to an after school club or try to fit in one to one time with.

I have a 7 yo girl, 2 yo boy and a 1yo boy.
Love having three and found going from 2-3 easier to 1-2. Yeah there may be an extra pile of laundry to fold but their bonds are so worth it

Defo have a proper sit down conversation with him, listen to each other's concerns and go from there. X

I have 3, number 3 unplanned, it’s nkt easy but it’s fine and gets easier every year. Yes it’s more expensive obviously. We did end of divorced but that would have happened at 1, 2 or 3! And I manage 3 alone.

BUT how easy they are to manage isn’t really your issue here. It’s cost. You get funded for 2 not 3 so it’s going to have an impact. Can you afford it?

It is very sadly simple though, if you can’t terminate without hating him then you can’t terminate. You are having 3 DC and either he gets used to it or you split up and he’s a part time dad of three!