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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenager buying for GF

177 replies

DBML · 08/12/2019 15:39

I have a teen boy (15). He wants to get his gf of four months a gift for Christmas. He’s met her a handful of times.

I’ve set a budget of £30 for him to spend, but apparently this is unreasonable and he wants more so he doesn’t “look cheap”.

AIBU and how do I navigate this without another huge and hormonal argument?

OP posts:
TheOliphantintheRoom · 09/12/2019 11:35

How did they get chatting on Snapchat? Is it a sort of Tinder for Teens?

manicmij · 09/12/2019 12:29

First reaction: he shiukd pay for a present from his own money, you are being generous offering the £30. Then 2nd option: whatever you are giving him for Xmas he can swap the value of that for a present for the gf. That way you won't be handing over any extra money and DS will be making a sacrifice all in the name of love! If the relationship breaks up then he and only he will have lost out financially.

Original poster
DBML · 09/12/2019 14:21

@TheOliphantintheRoom

Apparently that’s how you meet and talk to your girlfriends and boyfriends these days 🤷‍♀️
Likes, comments, private chats and then wanting to meet.

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 09/12/2019 14:26

I said YABU because he is 15. You shouldn't be setting budgets for him to buy Christmas presents. Surely, that's what his pocket money is for?

Just give him a reasonable amount each month to cover all of his expenses and then leave him to it. He needs to learn to budget. And if he wants more money, he can go and get a job.

It's easy to be generous with someone else's money, but it's meaningless. He needs to learn how to manage his own.

AlexaShutUp · 09/12/2019 14:34

Just to add, my dd is 14 and gets a monthly allowance which she uses to buy all of her clothes, gifts, bus fares, meals out, cinema trips, fancy toiletries and other stuff. I pay for school stuff, her regular extra-curricular activities, haircuts, basic toiletries, sanitary products and a very basic sim only phone contract.

She knows that, once her money is gone, it's gone, so she plans carefully how to spend it. They will be adults in a few years. They need to learn these basic life skills now, otherwise they're really going to struggle!

safariboot · 09/12/2019 14:50

YABU to give him any money for this at all! He gets his own pocket money already - and £50 a month is bloody generous if it doesn't have to cover any essentials. He can buy his girlfriend a gift using his money.

Whattodoabout · 09/12/2019 15:16

If I were you I’d revoke the offer of £30 and let him use his pocket money or get a job to pay for it, cheeky swine.

SunshineDays2019 · 09/12/2019 16:17

Cheeky lad! I agree you should revoke your offer of money and speak to him very firmly about his awful attitude

TheOliphantintheRoom · 09/12/2019 16:25

Apparently that’s how you meet and talk to your girlfriends and boyfriends these days. Likes, comments, private chats and then wanting to meet

Don't teens keep their social media private?

Deadposhtory · 09/12/2019 16:29

I feel for you op. Just spent £50 on my son's girlfriend birthday and now Xmas....

Original poster
DBML · 09/12/2019 16:36

@TheOliphantintheRoom

No he didn’t! He was in a huge amount of trouble for it. He also had his location on...so anyone and everyone could see where he lived ... and ... he went to meet her initially without telling us.

I was heartbroken he could be so stupid. We’ve dealt with that though and his social media is limited and secure now.

Problem is, by the time we found out, they’d formed this ‘relationship’. We tried to tell him no originally, but the more we said no, the more he wanted to be with her. So we agreed on them seeing each other under our terms. Drop offs and pick ups in public places only for now.

OP posts:
Original poster
DBML · 09/12/2019 16:38

@Deadposhtory
😬
I’m sure parenting didn’t use to be like this? I bought my first boyfriend a pair of Taz boxers from my own money, but then I had a job from 14. I didn’t even get pocket money.
My teen hasn’t realised how privileged he is. I’m determined to change that no though after his attitude.

OP posts:
TheOliphantintheRoom · 09/12/2019 16:54

OP - I am much obliged to you! I have a Yr10 DD and I'm just going to have a chat with her about SM to make sure hers is secure!

Original poster
DBML · 09/12/2019 16:57

Please do. I did not realise that snapchat shows a map and a red dot of exactly where you are...and if not turned off, everyone following you has access to that. I don’t have Snapchat myself, but a friend told me and that was the case when I checked DS’s.

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 09/12/2019 17:27

Just spent £50 on my son's girlfriend birthday and now Xmas....

I honestly don't understand this. Surely, if kids are old enough to have girlfriends/boyfriends, they're old enough to manage their own budget for gifts from pocket money?!

Also, don't parents check security settings etc on social media? Turning off the location feature and setting profile to private were basic requirements of dd being allowed to use social media - I don't use snapchat/instagram myself but there is plenty of info for parents online about how to ensure that your kids use these platforms more safely.

lovemenorca · 09/12/2019 18:00

**
I honestly don't understand this. Surely, if kids are old enough to have girlfriends/boyfriends, they're old enough to manage their own budget for gifts from pocket money?! **

Oh come on!

Love / attraction / fancying has bugger all to do with financial prowess!

Rombocious · 09/12/2019 21:12

I can't believe you tried to tell him NO. How could 15 be too young for a GF?

And 4 months and seemingly no opportunity for a first kiss. How long are you hoping for this to continue?

Definitely over-sheltering.

Original poster
DBML · 09/12/2019 22:24

@Rombocious

Hi

Firstly we told him ‘no’ because she was a stranger to him who he wanted to meet from the internet and because he had been irresponsible meeting someone who we weren’t aware he was meeting.

When the anger about this died back, we listened to him and have made an effort to allow them to meet up.

Obviously because they don’t attend the same school etc, it’s not easy to meet up. They rely on parents for a lift. Both DH and I work, as do her parents (who felt the same). So, times to meet have to be mutually convenient for everyone. Sometimes she isn’t available on a certain day, then DS might have something on another evening, so get togethers are probably every 2-3 weeks. It’s not a case that I’m saying that’s all he can see her...that’s just how it’s working out at the moment.

As for kissing, if I drop DS at the cinema to meet her, I don’t stay with them. I leave and they watch the movie, walk over to the fast food place and he calls me when her mum is there to pick her up. I suspect they have plenty of opportunity for a kiss.

If he was dating someone local, who went to the same school, obviously they could just walk to meet up and go out. It’s his choice to pick someone where planning is needed. I don’t see how it’s my fault to be honest.

As an example;

DS says ‘can I meet gf on Friday night bowling?’
I say ‘yes, what time?’
DS comes back; ‘her mum can’t do fri night. Can you drop me off Saturday morning?’
I say ‘I’m working DS, I can’t do Saturday morning. What about Sat night?’
DS: ‘it’s her nans party, what about next Fri?’
I say ‘ no problem, check it’s ok with her mum’

Another week then passes.

We’ve only just moved to this city, so I don’t know the bus service yet or all the areas yet and haven’t had an opportunity to show DS. I work 60 + hours a week as does his dad, so it’s not been our priority. DS wouldn’t have a clue. But we’ll get around to it at some point.

OP posts:
Original poster
DBML · 09/12/2019 22:25

Oh and to add...we’ve never told him no to having a gf. He’s had a few girlfriends from his school before this young lady. It’s been a lot easier in those cases.

OP posts:
TheOliphantintheRoom · 09/12/2019 23:03

How could 15 be too young for a GF?

I think 15 is too young to date.

Rombocious · 09/12/2019 23:05

Fair enough. I would like to finally suggest though that with multiple GFs before this 4 month long relationship it's probably time to let them go to each others houses.

Aside: you and your DH seem to be working too hard. I'm not sure I've ever heard of both partners doing 60+ hours a week. Don't forget to enjoy your lives :)

HostessTrolley · 09/12/2019 23:20

My d and her boyf of about 18 months are both uni students so they manage their own money. They had a conversation about Christmas presents and agreed between themselves a maximum budget of £40. She’s bought him a sweatshirt and a little funny thing and some chocolate. I’d have thought that was about normal for teenagers?

Original poster
DBML · 09/12/2019 23:34

@Rombocious

Thank you very much!

We do work ridiculously long hours and I’d love to go part time! Maybe one day 😁

OP posts:
choli · 09/12/2019 23:35

Aside: you and your DH seem to be working too hard. I'm not sure I've ever heard of both partners doing 60+ hours a week. Don't forget to enjoy your lives
It must be nice in your world.

Original poster
DBML · 09/12/2019 23:41

Update:

DH and I took DS to the mall this evening. He found a lovely set of earrings in Pandora for £20. Very sweet, not OTT. I was confused by his choice initially when he met us in Costa (though I bit my tongue) but when he explained his choice, the earrings represent how they met, which was sweet and I changed my mind about them.

Driving home, he agreed that that was sufficient as a gift this year and he’d be saving the rest (£10). We talked about gifts for other people, so I’m hoping he has his grandparents in mind instead.

What a result and I’m so glad I didn’t cave and let him spend more. I think the gf will also be quite chuffed, so thank you all for great advice!

OP posts: