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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Oh miserable about Xmas

113 replies

Daisydoo6799 · 08/12/2019 09:24

OH is so miserable about Xmas, it's like he's got no spirit at all.
We've got a 15 month old, so this is his first Xmas he's a bit more aware.

I have done ALL the thinking and shopping and buying DS presents, stocking, Xmas eve box.

Want to make our own traditions, do festive and xmassy things, and he's just not interested. ☹️

He's got a lot going on with his health and currently not working, so I know that's getting him down,
He doesn't want to spend any money, (which he hasn't done so far apart from 20 quid on a pottery plate and mug for his mum and dad from DS)
AIBU being cross with him?!

OP posts:

phoenixrosehere · 08/12/2019 10:50

You may as well be a single parent over this? Seriously?

He is going through what is obviously a difficult time atm and you want him to fake the “Christmas Spirit” for you and your DS who won’t even remember.

Your want of some kind of Christmas trumps his health issues and unemployment?

Wow.

Orangeblossom78 · 08/12/2019 10:51

That would stress me out if I was unwell and lost my job and my OH was out buying stuff not even needed like a silly plate etc what a waste of money.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/12/2019 10:51

OP i hate to rain on your parade but your 15m old will be utterly disinterested, in fact buying a lot of presents often overwhelms them and they often react by effectively refusing to participate. Perhaps this is why your DP is bemused by you buying things.

Not everyone loves Christmas and presents, your DP may feel he cant decide on presents if he has no money coming in.

Being out of work and in poor health must really suck. Is there anything you can say/do to help cheer him up? Maybe focus on Christmas as the end of bad run and a good chance to start afresh, be positive about him finding a new job next year.

ChristmasCroissant · 08/12/2019 10:51

You are doing what you want OP, and trying to force him to take part. That's never going to work.

FoamingAtTheUterus · 08/12/2019 10:52

God you sound toxic .........did you miss out the in sickness and in health part of your marriage vows ?? Being ill and not working will be a massive, kick in the balls for anyone without living with some mare trying to jolly him out of it. 🙄

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/12/2019 10:52

My son has just "got" christmas in the sense of being excited about presents etc & he's just turning 3.

The last two years he just loved DH and i being home, having meals altogether & putting christmas music on.

Baguetteaboutit · 08/12/2019 10:53

So he did walk around the Christmas Lights, even though it's only the beginning of December, even though he's depressed and you are pissed because he didn't give you the full Disney experience?

annielouisa · 08/12/2019 10:54

Bit vague saying he has health problems. You seem to not care which is sad and maybe he senses that. I would love to be able to share Christmas with my DH but sadly his health problems ended his life.

userxx · 08/12/2019 10:56

It's the 7th of December! Having it rammed down my throat this early makes me miserable. Give him a chance.

rottiemum88 · 08/12/2019 10:57

everything I've brought, I've paid for.

Not the point of the thread at all, but it's BOUGHT, not brought. Drives me insane every time I see it!

FWIW I agree with most of the others, you're being overly harsh towards your DH who sounds depressed. Trying to impose your vision of a perfect Christmas on him isn't going through to change that, it just leads to resentment on both sides because you feel like you're making all the effort while he makes none and he probably feels like you're investing time and effort into a load of things that don't matter - such as a special plate for an imaginary person and a Christmas Eve box for a baby who doesn't know what Christmas is. Personally, I'm with him.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/12/2019 10:59

And seriously op, i get it, once i had kids i was determined to have the full on "family christmas" experience, but your baby is too young. Doing any of that crap for him is utterly pointless. When DS was rising 2, he:

refused to meet father christmas & was scared by the whole experience
only opened one present then went off to chase the cat

He only really wanted to eat mince pies.

IdentifyasTired · 08/12/2019 11:00

I’m going to go against the grain here and say YANBU. My DH gets very depressed in the winter, especially around Christmas and it’s bloody hard work living with it.
I get you OP. It’s frustrating.

lightbulbshade · 08/12/2019 11:00

OP my parents didn't do Christmas at all. Now that I'm an adult I go completely nuts. I decorate anything and everything, buy festive food throughout December just to get in the mood. Listen to Christmas songs and my young dd lives it. My dh on the other hand thinks it's better for recoil in another area of the house that's I decorated and wait for December to disappear.

Theres actually nothing wrong with that. I do joke I have to make up for his Scrooge ways and I end up buying presents for his family as well otherwise nothing would happen but you don't actually have to like Christmas and for some it's very overwhelming. I imagine having no job would truly rub it in this time of the year. I think you're better off supporting him and saying oh maybe you're right the plate thing is excessive because really it is and then ask if maybe he'll join in on something else now you've sorted the plate situation.

Your posts do sounds very my way or the highway.

ShinyMe · 08/12/2019 11:01

The one thing worse than feeling low about Christmas (which is horrible enough) is other people trying to enforce jollity and the calling you miserable for feeling the way you do.

drinkstoomuchwine · 08/12/2019 11:01

OP - solidarity from me .... I understand you.

Elodie2019 · 08/12/2019 11:01

He's got a lot going on with his health and currently not working, so I know that's getting him down,

Well there's your explanation. Not sure I'd be feeling that festive if I were him.
However, for your DC's sake and yours he is unreasonable to put a dampener on things.

lovemenorca · 08/12/2019 11:08

Is it just Christmas he is miserable about? Or life in general?

Zaphodsotherhead · 08/12/2019 11:10

I don't actually know one man who likes Christmas, enjoys it and fully participates in it. They all moan and complain (mostly about having to spend money on people who aren't them) and all the work (which is mostly done by the OH's), and having to be happy and enthusiastic about having a week off work watching the TV.

How was your DH last year? Did he participate fully? So, is this year's downer because he's ill and has no job, or is it who he actually is? Because you can't do anything about that.

thethoughtfox · 08/12/2019 11:11

TBF, OP, YABU. A depressed person with a very real reason to be down and worried about money i.e. being unemployed can't just 'cheer up' Christmas is a hard time of year as it brings into focus any part of your life that isn't 'Christmas advert perfect'. Your efforts to do that especially as it is, if you are honest, only for you and not for your child who is too young to appreciate it, will be making things worse. And a waste of money.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 08/12/2019 11:19

Honestly, at 15 months your baby won't have a clue, although I'm sure he'll enjoy seeing pretty lights and decorations. A Christmas Eve box at this age, ditto a lot of presents, is just IMO a waste of money. Save your money until he's old enough to appreciate it!

My otherwise lovely dh has never been bothered about all the Christmassy stuff I do - it wasn't such a big thing in his family - though his family is all boys and IMO 'CBA with Christmas stuff' does tend to be a boy thing.

But he goes along with it happily enough now.

If it were me, I'd do my own thing - without going OTT money-wise since that is evidently a factor at the moment - and hope he'll grow into it at least a bit in future.

As for it being mainly a Christian festival, as a pp said, well, yes and no - Midwinter was a big pagan thing to cheer up the dark and dismal days well before it was taken over by Christmas - all the holly and ivy, Yule log etc. are leftovers from pagan times.
Which is presumably why Christmas is not such a big thing in e.g. Med countries - they never had such cold, dark and dismal midwinters that needed cheering up.

lazyarse123 · 08/12/2019 11:21

I don't think yabu. He needs help to find out if he is depressed. Mine is although he doesn't think so. He had a breakdown 20 years ago and it was one of the hardest things i've had to deal with. It's hard to be happy about things when someone is just sat with a face on constantly. If you want santa plate there is no reason why you shouldn't have one. I don't know the answer but I wish I did.

Original poster

Daisydoo6799 · 08/12/2019 11:22

Our money has always been separate....So it is My money I'm spending...!
UC helps pay the bills and I put in the rest of the bill money, as well as paying for everything else our DS needs, clothes etc.

OP posts:

nonetcurtains · 08/12/2019 11:26

Right now I may as well be a single parent
Sounds like you soon will be.

Pinkiii · 08/12/2019 11:29

You have done what you can for your son which is lovely, he won’t remember it though, far too young.

If your husband is depressed which by the sounds of it, he is, he can do with your support not attitude. You might think he is feeling ‘ a bit down’ but being unemployed is so tough, esp around xmas. I’ve had depression and sometimes it is hard to just put a smile On your face and get on with it, for all you know him seeing the lightw could be him doing his best.

This sounds more like you’re upset because of you’re not getting your disney christmas, not your son. Seems like the true meaning of christmas has been lost in all this for you and it has become about the materialistic stuff.

Alexapourmeadrink · 08/12/2019 11:30

Personally, I think Christmas was much more fun when I was young (70s and 80s). Simple traditions and decorations and fewer expectations. I’m not being miserable, but do we need to be overwhelmed with more and more “traditions” that have been invented by retailers?

There are no Christmas Eve boxes in our house (what and why??), no Elf on the Shelf and Santa can clearly find his mince pie and milk on unmarked plate by the hearth.

Programmes like Kirsty’s craft show (why oh why would you spend 8 hours making a wreath?) and relentless cooking shows are adding an unrealistic expectation to what is supposed to be a family and friends celebration. The spirit of Christmas has disappeared under the weight of consumerism.

I’m not miserable, I’ve had 53 Christmases so far and the ones I’ve enjoyed most are those where I spent time playing on the floor with my own toys and then with my children, snuggling up to watch a movie with a roaring fire on the go, cooking for family (and not to Michelin star standards) and cramming in card tables and garden chairs to extend the dining room!

OH is probably overwhelmed by the sudden need for a Hallmark Christmas 🎄 and would like to have a quieter celebration. He knows his parents well and the gift he chose is most likely what they’d cherish. He’s probably afraid to help with Christmas because he knows he’s not on the same page as you.

I think a compromise is needed.

Happy Christmas 🎄!

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