Oh miserable about Xmas

[Daisydoo6799]

OH is so miserable about Xmas, it's like he's got no spirit at all.
We've got a 15 month old, so this is his first Xmas he's a bit more aware.

I have done ALL the thinking and shopping and buying DS presents, stocking, Xmas eve box.

Want to make our own traditions, do festive and xmassy things, and he's just not interested. ☹️

He's got a lot going on with his health and currently not working, so I know that's getting him down,
He doesn't want to spend any money, (which he hasn't done so far apart from 20 quid on a pottery plate and mug for his mum and dad from DS)
AIBU being cross with him?!

[CSIblonde]

If hes depressed he's not going to be able to suddenly snap out of it for Xmas OP. Depression doesn't work like that. If his anti depressants aren't working maybe he needs a review as they often start low dose then need to up it. Christmas to you seems to be rather hyped & materialistic, but it's not about how many gifts & pointless cookies for Santa plates (you use ones in the cupboard unless you've more money than ham sense). Your child won't even remember this years being that young. Is the over excitement & spending maybe an over compensating thing because you feel everything else isn't great?

[Bluntness100]

You're clearly very angry, he's clearly depressed. I doubt you're helping each other. Maybe you could both try showing a bit of empathy to get each other through this.

[ReanimatedSGB]

What about OP's mental health? She's carrying this man, financially and in terms of doing all the domestic work and childcare. She's suggested he consult the doctor about his depressive symptoms but he won't do so. He can't help being ill, but it sounds like he's milking his illness rather than trying to improve his health. Does he, for instance, follow a restricted diet (as most people with digestive troubles are advised to) or does he whine and moan about how he can't eat what he wants, and repeatedly eat or drink things that are going to make his condition worse?

I think OP has had to put up with a lot of whining and moaning from this man and is tired of it, because it doesn't sound like he is willing to consider her - or DC - at all.

[EleanorShellstrop100]

I think YABU and sort of doing it for the sake of it which I don’t really understand people doing... it’s clearly not a good time for your family to be doing Christmas and your son is too young to have a clue or even realize or care that it’s Christmas - I guarantee no matter what you’ve bought him, he will be more impressed by the box it came it! And nothing else will really mean much to him at this age. I think going OTT about Christmas when your DH is unwell and not working and not feeling good is quite insensitive. I don’t really see why people make such a big deal about Christmas unless they’re actually Christians, it feels very odd to me, especially when you consider that it seems to causes people so much stress and be detrimental to many people’s mental health and also costs an insane amount of money which people complain about. Christian? Go to church and have a nice dinner. Not Christian? Give it a miss for one year and don’t risk your DHs mental health. Your kid won’t have a clue. YABU.

[LIZS]

Your child is 15 months, and will barely be aware it is anything different to any other day of the year. Ask OH what his idea of Christmas with a lo is. He sounds depressed but may get more enthusiastic if you don't dominate it all and give him some input. Tbh you sound ill matched.

[ShatnersWig]

This is clearly NOT about Christmas whatsoever.

[TheGoddessFrigg]

So he has a physical chronic health condition which is flaring up and no end in sight?

[PineappleDanish]

Yes it's a tradition to put out milk and a biscuit for Santa. (Whisky and shortbread in this house). But you don't need a special plate to do that! And a 15 month old child is going to have no idea what is going on. All they care about at that age is lights, boxes and wrapping paper.

There is no law which says you have to fully embrace everything Christmassy related from 1st December. There are lots of people who do not enjoy Christmas (me included) and loathe the whole consumerist special plate, festive bedding, christmas eve boxes, elves, yadda yadda nonsense which people are buying into. Total lack of imagination, buy your off the shelf tradition here.

[RedskyToNight]

There is nothing wrong with having a plate for santa

but equally there is absolutely no requirement to have one, they do not make Christmas more magical, and a 15 month old won't even notice!! (Personally if I was going to buy a plate for Santa, I'd probably wait until my DC was 3 and let them choose one).

[MrsEricBana]

Nice

[Daisy7654]

There is nothing wrong with having a plate for santa, plenty of people have them and the above posters are very classist.
Makes me hate them and thus discount their snooty advice.

[Marriedwithchildren5]

Honestly op. The second you mentioned your dh had some issues re depression everyone elses feelings are not important! I'd make christmas special. If my dh, who has zero input until the day, was negative id feel the same as you. Make it special. You only have so long to enjoy this stuff!

[FoamingAtTheUterus]

Op, contact fightback. They're on Facebook and will do the form for you. They have an amazing success rate and will.attend any tribunals etc. I'm guessing he has colitis or some other bowel condition ?? My sister struggled with it for years and it's miserable so.id.do have a.lot of sympathy for your partner. The pain doesn't let up, there's constant soreness and worry about not being near a loo........I can see why this has affected his.mental health so badly.

Not to mention not working he must feel like he isn't able to out into the pot so to speak, hugely emasculating........my dp would rather chop his balls off than not work or contribute. I think having a little of his own money will help financially and.will lift his spirits too.

[Preggosaurus9]

You need to sit down and have a proper 2 way conversation with DH. At the moment you sound self absorbed and like you don't care about him at all. Which is probably down to seething resentment about how your life has changed since having DC i.e. you are now shouldering a lot more responsibility for the home and childcare than he is. Sit down and talk about it properly instead of this childish selfishness you both have going on.

And btw a plate for santa? YABVU. Santa is no primadonna. He likes a normal plate

[Shooturlocalmethdealer]

YANBU. Regardless if he is depressed or not he could put forth more effort where your child is concerned.
Kids pick up on negativity, anxiety etc...

[ReanimatedSGB]

That does sound tough. I can see it a little from both sides - if he is in constant pain then it's going to be difficult for him to put on a happy face. Yet it is very draining to live with someone who is longterm unwell. Is he doing everything he's been advised to do eg eating properly/resting/gentle exercise, or is he eg staying up all night drinking and being suddenly more ill if you ask him to do anything such as put his mug in the dishwasher?

[Daisydoo6799]

@ReanimatedSGB he's always been a bit like this, but it's getting worse and worse.
The strain between us is huge, and getting bigger.
He's been on a flare of his illness for over a year now, lost his job because of it, (unfairly)...
Hasn't worked since about July.
None of the drugs are touching the flare at the moment.

I've constantly been supporting him, trying hard with him, but I'm just as much fed up with the situation as he is.
I do near enough everything for DS, whilst working, cooking, keeping the house in order.

It's really difficult to keep going when I'm getting nothing back...
So yes maybe it's a bit more than just Xmas.

[NoooorthonerMum]

I think he sounds a bit depressed. You can enjoy Xmas without doing loads of shopping, DS will just love the wrapping and spending time with you all. I would work out what's really important to you about Christmas and ask dp to dig out some enthusiasm for that but don't expect him to be full on Christmas mode for three weeks solid.

[Letseatgrandma]

Living with someone who is out of work and sounds depressed, I would be prioritising money and not wasting it on special Father Christmas mugs and plates and Christmas Eve boxes for a one year old.

I am not miserable, fwiw-I love Christmas and we do loads of lovely Christmassy activities as a family-I just don’t cane money on unnecessary shite.

[user1471590586]

You need to read up on depression. He probably can't get excited about Xmas. I've had depression and some days even taking a shower was an effort. I was at a point where I didn't look forward to anything. I was either really down or just numb and that was even when on anti-depressants. You need to have some empathy for your husband, you seem to expect him to snap put of it. Saying he has a face like a slapped arse is an awful way to describe someone who is suffering with depression.

[ReanimatedSGB]

So has he always been, basically, miserable? Or has something happened to cause it - like being diagnosed with an illness that will take a long time to recover from?

Because it's really difficult to tell from your posts whether you have become focussed on a 'magical' Christmas because you are worn out with trying to support a sulky man who doesn't pull his weight with childcare, housework or financially... or whether you just expect everyone to be as enthusiastic about Christmas as you are, and take it as a personal attack if they are not.

[DeathStare]

I don't want a perfect Xmas, I just want him to be more involved in family life

He is almost certainly depressed. He CANNOT do that. It's not that he is choosing not to. He can't. You may as well have a partner who is deaf and be cross at him for not hearing you.

Instead of being cross at him try supporting him. He is missing out more than you, and is almost certainly feeling awful himself.

If he manages to engage on Christmas Day he's doing well. Expecting him to show excitement over a plate for Santa or a Christmas Eve box (especially over two weeks ahead of time) is about the same as expecting your DS to be competing in the Olympics next year. It's just not possible. So stop being cross at him for it.

[Daisydoo6799]

I don't want a perfect Xmas, I just want him to be more involved in family life.
I've spent yet again another Sunday, cooked a dinner for us all, then took DS out on my own because he didn't want to come.
It's becoming quite a lonely life!

[Daisydoo6799]

I have at no means been excessive,
And yes, everything has come out of my wage apart from 20 quid for his parents presents!!!
I pay more than my fair share, its not like I'm spending out of the joint pot!!!

[DeathStare]

In the first post you describe him as
OH is so miserable about Xmas, it's like he's got no spirit at all
He's got a lot going on with his health and currently not working
which sounds classically like somebody who is either depressed or is bordering on depression.

You then describe him as:
He will be sulking, all he does is sulk, with a miserable face on
a face like a slapped ar#e
There's just no involvement at all in any kind of festive spirit with me or my son, and yes I do have a problem with that, ill health or not
he's just miserable

What a horrible, compassion-less, empathy-less, mean-spirited, love-less way to talk about someone you supposedly care about who is going through a tough time and all because he CAN'T turn on his emotions to suit you.

I think you have forgotten what Christmas is supposed to be about. it's supposed to be about love. Not about special Christmas plates for Santa or Christmas Eve boxes.

Stop focusing on all the ridiculous shit that doesn't matter and start acting as though you care about your DH.