Oh miserable about Xmas

[Daisydoo6799]

OH is so miserable about Xmas, it's like he's got no spirit at all.
We've got a 15 month old, so this is his first Xmas he's a bit more aware.

I have done ALL the thinking and shopping and buying DS presents, stocking, Xmas eve box.

Want to make our own traditions, do festive and xmassy things, and he's just not interested. ☹️

He's got a lot going on with his health and currently not working, so I know that's getting him down,
He doesn't want to spend any money, (which he hasn't done so far apart from 20 quid on a pottery plate and mug for his mum and dad from DS)
AIBU being cross with him?!

Ok so I'm on the fence a bit.

I think you're just going to have to urge him to seek help and start to do Christmas for you and baby your way irrespective of him, take all pressure off and let him come to it if he wants. Any sort of pressure on a depressed/anxious person will send them into their shell entirely.

He will be understandably acutely aware of money at the moment, it does horrible things to a persons self worth and ego to be incapable of contributing. Please be aware of 'rubbing his nose' in all the things you're buying. He's feeling the value of money in a very raw way right now.

Ok he is depressed but he has a child now and should try to make it special for his baby. He might even get into the spirit of it if he realises his child loves it. If he had a shit childhood Christmas even more reason to make future Christmasses nice for his little one. Yanbu.

Oh yes, OP, we can see that you are Trying.

A 15 month-old will have little interest in presents, stocking, Xmas eve box, etc. though he will love the wrapping paper. It is possible to have a great Christmas without spending a whole lot.

Your OH got a lot going on with his health and currently not working. You don't have your own home and, from your recent thread, the house you are privately renting doesn't sound suitable.

I think you would be better off saving your money and trying to improve things in the long run for your little boy.

It depends, partly, on whether your H has always been a sulky, selfish whiner who likes to spoil your enjoyment of anything that isn't beneficial to him - or whether he was previously a good dad and partner, but his ill health and lack of money are making him very unhappy. What (roughly) is wrong with him that means he can't work? Is it something that he needs time to recover from, such as an injury, for instance, or is it a longterm or chronic condition that means he won't be able to work in the foreseeable future?

You are coming across as lacking compassion for the person you are supposed to love - you are disappointed in him not doing what he's told. If he's always been a sulky whiner, your reaction is more understandable, but if not, then possibly you are being rather selfish and unfair.

How have previous Christmases been?

I put up with a Christmas killjoy for a few years. They suck the fun out of everything eventually.

If past years have been better then perhaps he needs a bit of understanding and support. Otherwise I'd start to question the relationship.

I'm with your DH. It sounds like this Christmas is for you, not your 15 month old who is too young to care and certainly too young to remember. Which is absolutely fine, but you can't force him to "make traditions" for a 15 month old when he can't see the point and has more pressing things to worry about. If your child was 3 or 4+ I would say he should make an effort for them, but I certainly don't think he needs to make more effort for another adult who has some vision of a fairytale Christmas.

@Daisydoo6799

I am on the fence a bit too.

On the one hand, I don't think you can force 'being excited for Christmas' on ANYONE. And you do sound a bit stressy and (slightly) pushy.

On the other hand, it's understandable to want your partner to feel excited about Christmas, (if you are excited,) especially when you've got kids.

Also, I do get a bit irked by people coming out with the 'it sounds like he is suffering depression' line when men are being a bit quiet/ moody/ acting annoyed in general.

And I have noticed when men are 'depressed' it seems to give them a free rein to do naff-all and leave everything to their wife/partner. Good job women don't do that when they are stressed or low, or depressed, eh? Otherwise fuck-all would get done, ever!

Why should she have to be doing everything? And if he is currently out-of-work, maybe he could try helping the OP more. Or maybe even applying for jobs...

You are not clear @Daisydoo6799 as to what is wrong with your partner, and why he not working. So it's hard to really give good advice to be honest.

Also, I disagree (with a pp) about men in general not being arsed about Christmas. My DH gets more excited than me, (and I get very excited about it!) And my dad's the same (and my uncles and brother, and several of my neighbours.) So it's not true that ALL men are 'not bothered' about Christmas!

Have to say also, I would struggle to be with a man who hates Christmas and is generally a grumpy git about it. In fact it would be a deal breaker for me. If your partner is just a Christmas-hater in general, then I don't envy you being with him.

Finally OP, if your child is 15 months old, this is not his first Christmas, it's his second one!

Agree with the comment above. Has he always been like this or is it his illness making him see life as a depressive does?

It’s true, your little one won’t remember these things so you don’t have to beat yourself up about making things perfect, but on the other hand there is nothing wrong with you making an effort to make things joyful even if it’s just for yourself! It’s soul destroying being with someone who doesn’t give a shit and who is determined to make everything miserable, so I do sympathise with you.

There’s also nothing at all wrong with getting a Christmas plate and mug, fgs.

Just make this the year that you and your little one spend lots of happy cosy time together, and stop trying to make him enter into the spirit of things. He either can’t, or doesn’t want to, or a mix of both.

Come see us on the Christmas topic where you can talk about traditions, plan activities, poncify your house if you’re so inclined, and indulge yourself in Christmas cosiness to your heart's content!

I don't think you can blame him, tbh. He is worried about money, has health problems, and is probably depressed. Expecting him to be jolly about Christmas coming is not realistic: in fact Christmas tends to be one of the worst times for people who are depressed, because of the combination of the ever-increasing expectations and the cold weather and darkness. Even so, with a child of 3 or 4, I would suggest that he at least try to make an effort on the day itself, so that the child doesn't feel left out of something that everyone else seems to be enjoying. But a 15 month old will have no conception that this is supposed to be a special day. Rather than insisting on special traditions at this stage, you could make a few that don't depend on lots of money or hard work. I'm thinking back to when I was a child. We never did the Big Christmas Dinner, because I always had health problems with dietary issues, and some of the time my dad did too. I did get lots of presents and did enjoy them, but my real Christmas memories aren't about presents: they are about the stories about Father Christmas and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and some special ones in the family about the five little pigs and the good ones who get a nice present and the naughty one who only gets 'a tin of Top Cat with no tin-opener'. And my dad singing carols to me - objectively he wasn't a very good singer, but like almost all children I loved my parents' singing. And putting up all the cards we got for a display, and remembering to take them down on January 6th, which I called 'an un-holiday' for that reason. Our Christmas would have been considered quite minimalist by present-day standards, but it was special for me.

@Daisydoo6799
I feel for you. What’s he like when Christmas isn’t on the horizon?

'Why should she have to be doing everything?'

This isn't stuff that has to be done at all. I myself get annoyed at the people, usually men, who demand a perfect Christmas but somebody else, usually their wife, has to do all the work to achieve it! But it sounds as though the OP's dh would be fine with no big Christmas at all,

'And if he is currently out-of-work, maybe he could try helping the OP more. Or maybe even applying for jobs.'

Who says that he isn't? Since the OP isn't very precise about his health problems, I don't know whether he's capable of applying for jobs at this stage. But quite possibly he is, and is doing so. The OP is not saying that her dh is doing nothing to help her in general, or to get back into the job market. Maybe he is; maybe he isn't. But the complaint seems to be just that he isn't entering into the 'Christmas spirit', which especially this early, seems possibly a bit much to expect of him.

If your money is for you and UC pays the bills, what money does he have for himself ?? Does he get pip ? 🤔

Alexapourmeadrink: 'Personally, I think Christmas was much more fun when I was young (70s and 80s). Simple traditions and decorations and fewer expectations. I’m not being miserable, but do we need to be overwhelmed with more and more “traditions” that have been invented by retailers?'

I ENTIRELY agree with you; and I'm not a person who is generally given to nostalgia.

Do festive wife-work if you want, but don't complain if you don't want to do it. Endless planet wrecking tat and a huge pile of presents for a baby is really pointless.

And there are still weeks to go to the ONE-DAY event. The phrase 'get a life' springs to mind...

but do we need to be overwhelmed with more and more “traditions” that have been invented by retailers?'

My children are teenagers. I was keen to introduce traditions when they were young but the only one we still follow is that DS's stocking is hung on the left of the fireplace, and DD's on the right (and I didn't even realise this was a thing until I got them "wrong" last year!)

Is your OH getting treatment regards his health situations?

Maybe, if you can go to the doctors with him on his next visit. Is it possible that anti depressants could help lift his mood?

I'm with your husband on this one, Daisydoo

Every £6.99 "special mug/plate" adds up to a lot of money spent on a lot of unnecessary crap.

Father Christmas really doesn't look at the plate his mince pie is left on and I know this, because I am Father/Mother Christmas in this house

You can have Christmassy traditions that cost nothing, but which are fun.

And never, ever start a tradition that you will be regretting 15 years later when you still have to do the bastarding things (e.g. Christmas Eve boxes, Elves on Shelves etc). Thank God they didn't exist when my DC were small.

It's all the dafter to do this stuff for a 15mo, especially when your OH is worrying about money and jobs.

A child of that age will notice sparkly lights, shiny things, songs etc. They won't know or care whether they have any presents.

It's also only early December. Most people are still going about their normal business, jobs, school etc without a thought for Christmas yet.

I agree with Alexpourmeadrink. Maybe its nostalgia talking but I do think there was less pressure in the 70s and 80s at Christmas time. I am the same and don't do a Christmas Eve box or Elf on the Shelf and my DD still has a lovely time.

However, I don't think he should be leaving everything to you. Lack of work can really destroy your self esteem and it sounds like he needs to have a serious pep talk from someone that his situation won't be like this forever. Don't change yourself for him, keep up your enthusiasm for Christmas for your little one but I would be having a serious chat with him about how he feels and a way forward work wise.

I agree with PPs that you sound a bit over the top. He's 15 months old.

Don't start loads of traditions, they become annoying and cost more each year. Our house has no elf, no Christmas boxes, we don't watch movies. We're lucky if the tree is up before 20th! The best part of Christmas is seeing family and friends and relaxing away from work/life pressures. Your behaviour around Christmas is adding to the pressure for no reason.

I'm on your side OP and I'm v Christmassy.

On one side, I'd say leave him he's being miserable and life is hard enough without enjoying the festive season and other special occasions throughout the year. In my opinion these bring light into life. (I don't mean that religiously! )

On the other hand if he's depressed and unemployed you should really stand by him.
I'd have a serious talk with him and try and make him see how his attitude is ruining your relationship. He can try much harder. Even if he's unemployed he doesn't have to be a shit. Can't he be SAHD?

If he won't take that conversation seriously, consider leaving for a while, few days, with baby, and when he comes running (hopefully) then make it clear this is make or break, and he needs to change his ways. If he doesn't then you have your answer. Sorry x

Life's too short to me miserable on special occasions.

I'd have a serious talk with him and try and make him see how his attitude is ruining your relationship. He can try much harder. Even if he's unemployed he doesn't have to be a shit

This is really, really bad advice to give to someone whose own attitude is doing her relationship no favours at all.

I don't think its even a case of 'an over the top Xmas' or a fancy Instagram Xmas... As is suggested.
I'm certainly not striving for a Xmas like that, certainly isn't my thing!
Yes cooking a roast and playing with toys with DS is all that matters Xmas day!
There's just no involvement at all in any kind of festive spirit with me or my son, and yes I do have a problem with that, ill health or not.

@Daisy7654 I left. Last weekend and went to my mums. He wasn't that bothered tbh!

@FoamingAtTheUterus no pip... We've tried once and he was refused because he looked well kept... 😬
We've just applied again for it but it's unlikely. Even tho he can't look after his son safely because he spends ages in the toilet at a time, DS left to roam the lounge on his own for half hour at a time!