Oh miserable about Xmas

[Daisydoo6799]

OH is so miserable about Xmas, it's like he's got no spirit at all.
We've got a 15 month old, so this is his first Xmas he's a bit more aware.

I have done ALL the thinking and shopping and buying DS presents, stocking, Xmas eve box.

Want to make our own traditions, do festive and xmassy things, and he's just not interested. ☹️

He's got a lot going on with his health and currently not working, so I know that's getting him down,
He doesn't want to spend any money, (which he hasn't done so far apart from 20 quid on a pottery plate and mug for his mum and dad from DS)
AIBU being cross with him?!

[Lex234]

If your OH is depressed, it is hardly surprising that he is not throwing himself into Christmas activities. I am defnitely not depressed and I cannot be arsed with the ever expanding "must do" expectations in the run up to Christmas, it turns into some kind of weird competition about who can give their children the best Christmas. I love putting the tree up, the children opening their presents and I love making the dinner, but all the rest of it I get fed up with too. You should try and find middle ground with OH-its his Christmas and his baby's Christmas as well. A compromise might mean dialling down the Disney, but he has as much right to want a low key Christmas as you do to want rainbow farting unicorns to bedeck your halls with Christmas tat. Baby will not be bothered either way at this stage.

[Daisydoo6799]

@rickoshay much the same tbh!
Xmas or not he's just miserable.
I've tried telling him to go to the doctors if he's feeling depressed but he denies it.ajd shrugs it off.

[snowball28]

I think Christmas here is a bit of a red herring, maybe even if you don’t realise it is. My partner is depressed, badly and it’s really really hard to be the partner of someone that’s suffering so badly with mental health issues.

I think I understand how you’re feeling right now, obviously he needs your help and understanding right now but also you need to ensure you are meeting your own needs also. It’s easy to get bogged down in looking after the person with depression and completely neglect your own mental health and happiness.

This could possibly be why you’re very fixed on having the perfect Christmas for everyone. It’s probably because of all the uncertainty right now that you’re trying to control something, anything you can to feel less like your drowning?

You both need equal care in navigating him getting better, remember to ask and seek support for yourself too.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

As a bit of a sidetrack - isn't the reason for us harking back to the glories of 70's and 80's (and even, in some cases, 60's) Christmasses isn't because these were the times of non-commercial home-based celebrations, where we made all our decorations and had one toy each and a roast chicken and thought ourselves lucky, so much as those were Christmasses when we were children and therefore didn't have to THINK about dinner timings, wrapping presents, how much to buy and for whom and managing the whole event?

We just ate when we were told, lots of sweets, new toys and Morcombe and Wise on the TV, no choice.

[Daisy7654]

70s Christmass were grim. You people don't remember. Oranges were considered a luxury item. I could go on but this isn't that post.

[blackcat86]

I think you mean sensible adults not miserable. No one likes to be around a mope but you are being excessively spendy for a couple where one of you is worried about money and work. I hope you'll be working extra hours to make up the additional cost for the xmas you want. I have a 15 month old and have spent about £20 on her. DH has spent the same. She'll have a few bits to open on xmas day and I'm sure will also be spolit by her GPs. Having had a big clear out and sold some bits on FB, this has more than paid for xmas. Maybe you're child is super advanced but DD really wont care about xmas much. She likes the lights, I'm sure she'll enjoy a few gifts and lots of food but xmas eve boxes and stockings are a bit much. She got excited when my Amazon order of cat food and loo roll came in a big box the other day. Do you think your execessiveness could be impacting your DPs enjoyment? Maybe he feels like he has to be the sensible adult.

[Starksforthewin]

I feel very sorry for your partner.

Imagine if you were the one with the health issues? You are very dismissive of them in your pursuit of Christmas tat.

Christmas is one day. Instead of buying more landfill tat, your efforts might be better spent in paying attention to how your life is the other 364 days of the year.

Your DS really won’t know this is Christmas,it’s not really the year to be going full on Christmas fairy!

[cherryblossomgin]

You are trying to get him onboard with your idea of Christmas. Maybe ask what he wants. Also does he have seasonal depression? I have it and December is the worst month. I am miserable and exhausted. I struggle to leave the house unless it's for work. I know I have to get ready for Christmas but I just don't have the energy.

He needs to go to a doctor, maybe arrange a home visit.

[MarySidney]

70s Christmass were grim. You people don't remember. Oranges were considered a luxury item.

Maybe in your family, but not in general.

I agree that in the past there wasn't the pressure to make Christmas 'magical', which seems to equate with spending money. It can be magical to go and see the nativity scene and attend a Carol service in a church, then go and see the lights, then go home for cocoa and biscuits.

[hobnobsaremyfavourite]

You're one of these "making memories" insta huns aren't you

[ddl1]

'isn't the reason for us harking back to the glories of 70's and 80's (and even, in some cases, 60's) Christmasses isn't because these were the times of non-commercial home-based celebrations, where we made all our decorations and had one toy each and a roast chicken and thought ourselves lucky, so much as those were Christmasses when we were children and therefore didn't have to THINK about dinner timings, wrapping presents, how much to buy and for whom and managing the whole event?'


There is quite a bit of truth in this (anyone else thinking of Nigel Molesworth remarking that he hoped Christmas would never die out 'or at least not until I'm grown up and have to pay for it all'?) But I don't think it's the whole story. By the 70s most of us got more than one toy, and not everything was home-made, and there was already plenty of commercialism. But there was, I think, less perfectionism. Less pressure that everyone MUST do Christmas to the maximum!Perhaps it was because we didn't have social media then, so the Perfect Christmas was pushed on-and-off through TV and adverts but not 24/7 through Facebook, Instagram, etc.

[ReanimatedSGB]

OP, it's still not clear whether your H is physically/mentally ill (and had been a good partner and parent up until he became ill) or if he's just sulky, lazy, selfish and mean. Did he lose his job because he was off sick for too long, or was there another reason? Has he a diagnosis and is he getting treatment for his health problems?

It's not that uncommon for selfish, lazy, borderline abusive men to decide that they are 'ill' in some way as an excuse for contributing absolutely fuck all to family life: they neither work nor look after their children nor cook/clean because they are too 'ill'. Yet they will not see a doctor; they self-medicate with weed or beer or something like that, and any attempt by their partners to get them to think about someone other than themselves makes them angry and even aggressive.

[yellowallpaper]

70s Christmass were grim. You people don't remember. Oranges were considered a luxury item.

Hahaha. I think you are thinking of the 1950s. We had shedloads of toys and we weren't well off at all!

[DeathStare]

In the first post you describe him as
OH is so miserable about Xmas, it's like he's got no spirit at all
He's got a lot going on with his health and currently not working
which sounds classically like somebody who is either depressed or is bordering on depression.

You then describe him as:
He will be sulking, all he does is sulk, with a miserable face on
a face like a slapped ar#e
There's just no involvement at all in any kind of festive spirit with me or my son, and yes I do have a problem with that, ill health or not
he's just miserable

What a horrible, compassion-less, empathy-less, mean-spirited, love-less way to talk about someone you supposedly care about who is going through a tough time and all because he CAN'T turn on his emotions to suit you.

I think you have forgotten what Christmas is supposed to be about. it's supposed to be about love. Not about special Christmas plates for Santa or Christmas Eve boxes.

Stop focusing on all the ridiculous shit that doesn't matter and start acting as though you care about your DH.

[Daisydoo6799]

I have at no means been excessive,
And yes, everything has come out of my wage apart from 20 quid for his parents presents!!!
I pay more than my fair share, its not like I'm spending out of the joint pot!!!

[Daisydoo6799]

I don't want a perfect Xmas, I just want him to be more involved in family life.
I've spent yet again another Sunday, cooked a dinner for us all, then took DS out on my own because he didn't want to come.
It's becoming quite a lonely life!

[DeathStare]

I don't want a perfect Xmas, I just want him to be more involved in family life

He is almost certainly depressed. He CANNOT do that. It's not that he is choosing not to. He can't. You may as well have a partner who is deaf and be cross at him for not hearing you.

Instead of being cross at him try supporting him. He is missing out more than you, and is almost certainly feeling awful himself.

If he manages to engage on Christmas Day he's doing well. Expecting him to show excitement over a plate for Santa or a Christmas Eve box (especially over two weeks ahead of time) is about the same as expecting your DS to be competing in the Olympics next year. It's just not possible. So stop being cross at him for it.

[ReanimatedSGB]

So has he always been, basically, miserable? Or has something happened to cause it - like being diagnosed with an illness that will take a long time to recover from?

Because it's really difficult to tell from your posts whether you have become focussed on a 'magical' Christmas because you are worn out with trying to support a sulky man who doesn't pull his weight with childcare, housework or financially... or whether you just expect everyone to be as enthusiastic about Christmas as you are, and take it as a personal attack if they are not.

[user1471590586]

You need to read up on depression. He probably can't get excited about Xmas. I've had depression and some days even taking a shower was an effort. I was at a point where I didn't look forward to anything. I was either really down or just numb and that was even when on anti-depressants. You need to have some empathy for your husband, you seem to expect him to snap put of it. Saying he has a face like a slapped arse is an awful way to describe someone who is suffering with depression.

[Letseatgrandma]

Living with someone who is out of work and sounds depressed, I would be prioritising money and not wasting it on special Father Christmas mugs and plates and Christmas Eve boxes for a one year old.

I am not miserable, fwiw-I love Christmas and we do loads of lovely Christmassy activities as a family-I just don’t cane money on unnecessary shite.

[NoooorthonerMum]

I think he sounds a bit depressed. You can enjoy Xmas without doing loads of shopping, DS will just love the wrapping and spending time with you all. I would work out what's really important to you about Christmas and ask dp to dig out some enthusiasm for that but don't expect him to be full on Christmas mode for three weeks solid.

[Daisydoo6799]

@ReanimatedSGB he's always been a bit like this, but it's getting worse and worse.
The strain between us is huge, and getting bigger.
He's been on a flare of his illness for over a year now, lost his job because of it, (unfairly)...
Hasn't worked since about July.
None of the drugs are touching the flare at the moment.

I've constantly been supporting him, trying hard with him, but I'm just as much fed up with the situation as he is.
I do near enough everything for DS, whilst working, cooking, keeping the house in order.

It's really difficult to keep going when I'm getting nothing back...
So yes maybe it's a bit more than just Xmas.

[ReanimatedSGB]

That does sound tough. I can see it a little from both sides - if he is in constant pain then it's going to be difficult for him to put on a happy face. Yet it is very draining to live with someone who is longterm unwell. Is he doing everything he's been advised to do eg eating properly/resting/gentle exercise, or is he eg staying up all night drinking and being suddenly more ill if you ask him to do anything such as put his mug in the dishwasher?

[Shooturlocalmethdealer]

YANBU. Regardless if he is depressed or not he could put forth more effort where your child is concerned.
Kids pick up on negativity, anxiety etc...

[Preggosaurus9]

You need to sit down and have a proper 2 way conversation with DH. At the moment you sound self absorbed and like you don't care about him at all. Which is probably down to seething resentment about how your life has changed since having DC i.e. you are now shouldering a lot more responsibility for the home and childcare than he is. Sit down and talk about it properly instead of this childish selfishness you both have going on.

And btw a plate for santa? YABVU. Santa is no primadonna. He likes a normal plate