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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dad didn't give 1year old dinner

145 replies

Kirstycirvine2 · 07/12/2019 21:30

DD was left with dad and grandparents from 2 til 7 and with a list of DD schedule. When I came back dad had not given DD any dinner and told me she'd had nothing except 150ml cow's milk. I told dad I was seriously disappointed. AIBU? He is now crushed.

OP posts:

Alrighteo · 08/12/2019 05:15

I'd say she was worn out having fun with her cousin and then nodded off unexpectedly. Her nodding off wasn't on the schedule, so Dad and grandparents didn't know what to do!

ChristmasArmadillo · 08/12/2019 05:19

I would never wake a sleeping baby/child for food. At 15 months old one of mine still didn’t eat solids; a delayed meal doesn’t seem cause to be upset as nothing negative could possible come of it surely.

Bippety · 08/12/2019 05:51

Presumably she is fine, he probably would have been in the wrong to wake her as she would have been overtired, so he did what he thought was right; a choice many of us have said we would have made. It's hard to relinquish control, I get it, my partner works away a lot and he does things differently to me, but it's not like he deliberately just didn't bother to give her any food, was it.

blackcat86 · 08/12/2019 05:58

I would be livid. Unfortunately you now know that none of those adults are competent to care for your child (sorry but a DNA link doesn't magically mean someone is a competent adult). I would have done the same in your shoes and left a vague schedule. Leaving her to go hungry is beyond cruel and presumably you'll be the one getting up with her at night when she wakes. If you're still with dad I would be reconsidering the relationship. You appear to need to parent a lot of adults who should know better. My DD is 15 months and she would have been beside herself even if she then fell asleep out of tiredness. From 2-7 she would usually have had 2 beakers of milk, dinner and a snack plus no doubt a few extras

Original poster

Kirstycirvine2 · 08/12/2019 07:14

Wildorchidz yes I live with him

OP posts:

Oceanbliss · 08/12/2019 07:34

When my dd was one she had breakfast, morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea, dinner. She would eat or not eat. I still offered her food though. Before I became a mum I worked in nursery. I have worked in babies rooms, toddler and kinder rooms. Babies who are on solids are fed breakfast if they arrive early, morning tea, lunch and afternoon tea. It's accepted that babies and young children are usually grazers and need to have food including healthy snacks such as fruit throughout the day. If a one year old wasn't offered food in a 5 hour period we'd have our arses handed to us on a plate. Some babies and toddlers hardly eat some seem to eat more than I do. I don't get this attitude that it's ok for a one year old not to be offered any food in a 5 hour period. No afternoon tea, no healthy snack, no dinner. I'd be concerned with that Op and I'd be saying something about it too. As for being given a hard time over the written schedule. Nothing wrong with using or needing a written schedule. I've known many families where both mum and dad have a written schedule that they follow. I've known lots of families who don't have a written schedule. Each to their own. Whatever works best for you and if dad is at work all day and isn't familiar with baby's routine then it's probably a helpful guide. It's well established that young children benefit from routines that are flexible. Baby fell asleep misses dinner no big deal it happens. Baby not offered any food in 5 hours not ok.

QuietCrotchgoblins · 08/12/2019 07:37

At 15mo my kids would have been letting you know loud and clear they wanted feeding. If she was fine and fell asleep then I wouldn't worry. I would spend some time with her dad getting actively involved with her care so you don't have this situation again. Yes it annoying if your partner is a bit crap, your job is to stop doing it for them so they have to learn to look after thier own child.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/12/2019 07:41

What do you want people to say op?
She had too much fun to nap so fell asleep late, DP didn't eat either and didn't think to wake up the baby to feed her. Sounds like she had a nice day albeit he might have buggered up her routine.

It's like you want us to bash your DP for you and tell you how shit he is.

If you never leave them alone, he'll never really learn. Use this as an opportunity to get him to start caring for his child properly. If you break aeg tomorrow and end up in hospital, he will need to be able to do it all.

LagunaBubbles · 08/12/2019 07:43

Maybe she tried to.

Criticise him if you want but since OP said the baby was sleeping that's a bit of a desperate thing to say!

Teateaandmoretea · 08/12/2019 07:46

Why on earth should he wake a sleeping one year old for dinner? Is she severely underweight? Surely he could just feed her when she wakes up?

It doesn't work like that though does it? Once a baby is asleep for the night they are asleep. She may not wake up hungry now till 2am, it's why people give them tea at like 5 so this doesn't happen.

Yanbu OP, imagine if you substituted baby for dog, they'd be suggesting calling the RSPCA.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 08/12/2019 08:08

I'd say she was worn out having fun with her cousin and then nodded off unexpectedly.

I’m not sure nodding off can be unexpected if she’s missed her usual nap time tbh.

codenameduchess · 08/12/2019 08:26

It's not the end of the world, at 1 if my DD was hungry she would have let everyone know not fallen asleep.

I don't see why 3 adults needed a schedule though, presumably they know small humans need to be fed and should be capable of providing food even if not on your schedule. And to be seriously disappointed and crushed is a bit much, it's an 'oops' really. One missed meal isn't that big a deal.

isittooearlyforgin · 08/12/2019 08:28

It’s annoying because if op chose not to feed her baby because the baby was having fun, that is neglect on a regular basis. It makes it hard to leave the baby if you’re going to worry he or she is not being looked after properly. If you are baby’s main care giver, to be able to go out/work etc without feeling guilt is paramount. To say op was micro managing to leave schedule is ridiculous- they ovbiously needed it and then didn’t bother to use it.

orangeteal · 08/12/2019 08:30

I don't know why people get so obsessed with babies and toddlers having 3 meals a day. How many times have you skipped a meal for being busy, otherwise entertained or just not hungry? There is no rule book to say humans must eat 3 times a day, if she was otherwise happy then what is the actual problem? She's not going to drop centiles missing one meal.

TheWinterCaillech · 08/12/2019 08:36

I used to feed mine when they were awake. If she was asleep, then I’d wait until she woke up, unless there were medical reasons why she needed food at set times.
But I parented toddlers before the internet was a thing, so I went with what made sense to me instead.

Throwawayteachere · 08/12/2019 08:38

At 15 months if they decided not to feed her as she was having fun they should have given her formula/ express milk not just 150ml cows milk.

It sounds like they actively made the decision not to feed her as she was playing. There are people here who seem to think that's fine but at 15 months she needs something whether she is happy or not! If he took her Cbeebies Land and she was happy playing does that mean it's okay not to feed her all day?

5 hours is a small time for a growing little one. I would forgive no food but the amount of milk isn't enough. Things happen and it's done now but he should at least be remorseful.

orangeteal · 08/12/2019 08:41

There are people here who seem to think that's fine but at 15 months she needs something whether she is happy or not!

Why? One meal, one occasion, why MUST she have it?

ASimpleLampoon · 08/12/2019 08:52

Even if I had someone else's child over for that amount of time, I would offer them at least a snack to make sure they weren't hungry. I don't think that missing one meal is the end of the world but there is the wider issue of the child's father being reliable in parenting his own child. If the OP does the bulk of the childcare then it is reasonable for the child's father to be reliable in picking up the slack for half a day. I'm with what @isittooearlyforgin said.

booellesmum · 08/12/2019 08:53

I have 2 teenagers. When they were small we ate when they were hungry, not rigid mealtimes. If they had fallen asleep I wouldn't have woken them to eat, just made sure dinner was ready for when they woke up.
It is healthier to eat when you are hungry.
I agree small babies need to be woken for milk so they don't dehydate but I wouldn't have woken my 1 year old.
I think though it depends on if you have flexible routines generally or not. I didn't have rigid routines so it wasn't a problem. If a child is used to rigid routine then sleeping and eating at the wrong time would throw them out.
Only you know what works for your child so others opinions are pointless.
I wouldn't be too hard on your Dad though. Now he knows you want your child woken for meals I'm sure he'll do it next time.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 08/12/2019 08:53

That’s fine orangeteal as long as you are the person dealing with the toddler who’s up in the middle of the night because they haven’t eaten all day and the grumpy toddler the following day that hasn’t slept.

lifeisgoodagain · 08/12/2019 08:55

Mine never ate until 6.30 at night anyway ... if she was hungry she would have let them know. He won't win dad of the year but don't be over dramatic

53rdWay · 08/12/2019 08:57

One meal, one occasion, why MUST she have it?

Well on the one hand, she won’t starve if she doesn’t.

On the other, you don’t think it’s a little bit useless that three adults between them didn’t think a 1-year-old might want some food offered at any point in five hours?

I suppose if she was happily playing until say 6pm then unexpectedly fell asleep and it was a conscious decision not to wake her for dinner, that’s a lot better than “Food? Oh oops, sorry, forgot children need feeding.”

BigFatLiar · 08/12/2019 09:00

Will you be happy in future if he starts waking her up because its her scheduled time to do something else. If she was tired and wanted to sleep would she have been happy to eat her dinner or would it have been a fight to feed her while she wanted to sleep?

Doesn't sound like he abandoned her, simply let a tired child sleep. May be an issue getting her to sleep later on though.

EvaHarknessRose · 08/12/2019 09:00

You have a weird dynamic if you made a deal of it and he felt crushed.

reginafelangee · 08/12/2019 09:03

If she was hungry she wouldn't have fallen asleep.

Why does dad need a schedule? Are you separated? Does he not know his child very well?

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