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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think you ask before deciding to share a table with someone?

132 replies

M3lon · 07/12/2019 12:10

I'm not very sociable, so I may be wrong, but if there were no tables free and you saw someone sitting on their own at a 4 seater, would you ask them if you could sit there, or just sit down and pointedly ignore them?

I'd have said yes if they asked......

OP posts:
ReeRi · 07/12/2019 17:35

A weird thing happened when I was in a coffee shop with DH a couple of years ago. I was queuing for drinks while he went to get a seat. It was one of those with a sofa and chairs so sat about four. There were other free tables. While I was in the queue a woman we don’t know went and sat opposite home. She didn’t say anything and he didn’t as he was embarrassed and probably a bit shocked. Her partner, who was in front of me in the queue, then went to join her but seemed confused as to why she’d sat there. I then went over and it was awkward as there wasn’t room for two trays but we were all v polite about it. They left quite quickly though probably because they were embarrassed.

ReeRi · 07/12/2019 17:37

Also reminds me more recently again in a coffee show a young woman was sitting alone at a table next to us. She was on the sofa side with her back to the wall. He then came over and asked if he could sit I. The chair opposite her. She said yes but clearly just to be polite so he said down but she left very quickly after that. He then moved around to the site she had been sitting on. The weird thing was that again there were loads of tables.

Jaxhog · 07/12/2019 18:11

But can you imagine being a person on your own enjoying a drink and then having 3 people take over your table talking over you and leaving you feel like a real safe part in amongst their group.

Been there. Some people can be incredibly rude about this. Fortunately, not often, as most people wouldn't be so rude as to just plonk themselves down.

Geschwister4 · 07/12/2019 18:19

Poor us, having to pay £25 pp for breakfast and then not even being able to have a private conversation. Hotel manager agreed with me about this ‘non -complaint’ as he knows that people pay quite a lot of money for comfort and privacy in a 5 hotel (perhaps you’re not familiar with this kind of places). It’s not a MC Donalds....*

I know what a 5-star hotel is thanks. I also know that snooty sense of entitlement that often goes with people who frequent them. Largely evidenced by your post. If you are so self important that you want a totally private conversation away from all those other hotel guests who have also paid £25 for breakfast then maybe have room service?

The hotel owner just appeased you because he knows the damage a unfair bad review can do to his business.

Gwenhwyfar · 07/12/2019 18:41

"Surely it’s like getting on a bus - if there are only seats available next to people I would just sit there. To hog a table for 4 by yourself is depriving the cafe owners of earning money on three empty seats. Are you saying that its your choice whether or not you allow people to sit on empty seats? confused"

It's nothing like being on a bus. If there are no spare tables in a cafe, you go to another cafe. Obviously different at a work canteen.

As for places who deliberately cultivate people being able to eat together. Yes, I have been to one or two of those, mainly Pain Quotidien, but they usually have a big round table or something similar rather than strangers sitting together at individual tables.

ilovesooty · 07/12/2019 20:04

If there are no spare tables at a café i will politely ask if a seat is free if a table is not full.

churchandstate · 07/12/2019 20:10

But there are common sense rules about this sort of thing. It’s not rude, as a single person, to ask another single person whether they mind you sitting opposite them. It is rude as a group of three to pile round a table with a single occupant. It’s not rude as a couple to ask someone at a bench-style table with plenty of room whether it would be okay for you to take the end seats. It is rude as a single person to go up to a group chatting over a meal and ask to sit with them.

staceyflack · 07/12/2019 20:13

Ignorant. 💐

billy1966 · 07/12/2019 20:13

Incredibly rude to just sit down, and in no way comparable to sitting on an empty seat on a bus.

It would piss me off and I would be very quick to say this table is taken.

Conversely, if I was sitting on my own and I saw someone looking for a space and there wasn't one, I would offer for them to share my table.

But just plonking yourself down at my table would not go down well with me at all.

Original poster
M3lon · 07/12/2019 22:09

Gosh - I feel I need to defend my honour a little.

Firstly, there's only one type of table in this cafe, small, square with four seats around it. You can't choose a smaller table. Some totally crazy cats, brave the displeasure of the Managment and occasionally bring tables together to make bigger set ups, but the minimum is 4.

Secondly, I had food and was eating it when this occurred. I wasn't pre-reserving, and I also couldn't just up and leave when I was descended on.

Thirdly, I was deliberately keeping all my shit together on as small a portion of the table as possible, in case someone wanted to share...I'd just expected they would ask before sitting.....

anyhoo...I've discovered I'm not an outlier after all and am just about keeping up with the cutthroat world of cafe seating.

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 07/12/2019 22:40

It's first come first served. If I arrive before you or bagsy the table before you, the table is mine. It wouldn't be my fault if no smaller tables were available.

Gwenhwyfar. So you’d expect to keep to yourself an entire table for four even if you were alone?

Gwenhwyfar · 07/12/2019 22:52

"Gwenhwyfar. So you’d expect to keep to yourself an entire table for four even if you were alone?"

Like I said, I would choose a table for 2 (or for 1 even) if one were available. If the only table available is a table for 4, yes I would take that. What other choice do I have?

As I've mentioned before, it's not normal to share a table in a cafe where I live. I don't think I've ever done it. The only examples I can think of are busy city centre bars. Maybe it's to do with the size of a city and maybe it's more common in London, but over here, it's definitely not normal to share a table with a stranger in a cafe.

I wouldn't plonk myself down with someone else either, except in a canteen or a place where you sit at the counter rather than at tables. How could I relax in that scenario? I'd go somewhere where I could have my own table.

Honeybee85 · 08/12/2019 01:08

@Geschwister4

Sounds like you’re a bit frustrated about the lack of luxury experiences in your life.
Sorry to hear that, I’ll think of you next time when snooty me stays at one of those establishments for entitled people to enjoy a bit of undeserved luxury!

Geschwister4 · 08/12/2019 08:41

Give it up, Honeybee. Your constant attempt to sneer down your nose at me is making you look really judgemental now. There is nothing I have said to base your assumption that I have a lack of luxury experiences in my life. I have and do stay at 5 star hotels, it is hardly something so exclusive that only you can afford . I am just not a twat about sharing tables with other guests . Or fleecing a hotel owner due to a minor inconvenience in your luxury life.

Honeybee85 · 08/12/2019 10:35

Erhm you started sneering at me.
If you can’t stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen.
Oh, and the judgemental one is you. Just read your previous posts. They sound very bitter and angry, I hope you’ll feel better soon!
Flowers

Gwenhwyfar · 08/12/2019 11:17

"So you’d expect to keep to yourself an entire table for four even if you were alone?"

It wouldn't be my fault if the only table available was one for four would it?

If one person wanted to share I'd let them, but where I live this is not the done thing anyway and someone sitting down without asking would be very odd. I'd never do it myself, I'd just go on to somewhere where I could have a table for myself.

ReeRi · 08/12/2019 12:18

Don’t worry OP I think a lot of this hostility is between PPs and not directed at you!

@Honeybee85 and @Geschwister4 for the record you have both been a bit judgmental but we are all guilty of that at times and we don’t really know others’ situations on here...

CountYourRoosters · 08/12/2019 12:22

Yes I would definitely expect someone to ask, regardless of whether it's a cafe or a 5 star hotel. I think it's rude not too and I would feel put out if they just plonked their arse down.

Honeybee85 · 08/12/2019 12:39

@ReeRi

I just defend myself against someone who starts verbally attacking me out of nowhere. She seemed to get really angry when I mentioned she might not be familiar with luxury hotels. I didn’t want to assume she was. And I got called a lot of unfair and nasty things by her, as you can see for yourself. I think I’ve been pretty civil to just point out she seems frustrated, angry and bitter, given how she spoke about me (full of assumptions based on nothing btw). I think it’s a bit unfair to compare her posts to mine.

Honeybee85 · 08/12/2019 12:45

My best friend grew up in poverty with a mother living on welfare and an absent father. I don’t think she has ever stayed in a luxury hotel (as my holidays were as a child). She is still struggling financially. My other friends aren’t rich either and I couldn’t care less. I love them for who they are.
So I absolutely don’t look down on people who can’t afford these kind of holidays but I do think I have every right to enjoy them and get what I have paid for (including a table to myself!).
And if someone is trying to call me a snob because of that, yes, then they’ll get a taste of their own medicine....

Butchyrestingface · 08/12/2019 12:46

If one person wanted to share I'd let them, but where I live this is not the done thing anyway and someone sitting down without asking would be very odd. I'd never do it myself, I'd just go on to somewhere where I could have a table for myself.

Same. I wouldn't want to sit at a table with strangers so would never ask. I'd just find another cafe.

ReeRi · 08/12/2019 12:52

@Honeybee85 To be honest I agree with you about sharing in a hotel or nice restaurant and wouldn’t be happy if I was asked to share a table with someone else. In fact I left a restaurant once when the option we were given was to share a table with someone. It does look like you weren’t the one to start being hostile, you shared your opinion about the subject, but you ended up on the same level and by the end it just looks like you are both having a go...

Honeybee85 · 08/12/2019 12:55

@ReeRi

Exactly, I was just stating my opinion and got attacked for that! By someone who doesn’t know anything about me.

And happy to hear you agree with me on the table etiquette 😊

missyB1 · 08/12/2019 13:01

I would ask if the spare seats were taken and if they weren’t I would sit there. No customer has the right to dictate that the whole table is for them alone. I don’t care how anti social people are and all this “I want to be alone” crap, if there are spare seats at the table you are at then other customers can sit on them. If it’s that unbearable to share a table with a stranger then perhaps don’t go to cafes? Or only go to cafes with single seated tables.

Whatthefunk · 08/12/2019 13:04

It is weird. Last night, I was out with friends. Myself and one friend, were sitting at a table, while 2 other friends, were at the bar. A woman came and sat at our table, without speaking to us. My 2 friends came back, and she stayed a while, then got up, and walked away. Taking the chair with her... We all stared, incredulously...My friend said, ao you're taking the chair then? And she snarled, yes, I am, have you got a problem with that? Nowt so queer as folk Confused

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