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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can we tell them not come for Xmas?

337 replies

Tactful10 · 06/12/2019 21:50

Namechanged. Elderly parents in their 80s, both with mobility problems and dementia. DF's dementia has taken a turn for the worse - he;s got frontal lobe problems which mean he moans out loud a lot of the time, complains constantly, is rude, demanding and whiny.

The expression No Filter could have been invented for both of them. DM is similar, and they fight, but not as deranged as DF.

We are worried that their behaviour - the loud cries of pain (no physical cause, doc says it's attention getting), the fighting, the unfiltered whining - will frighten dcs 16, 18, and 10. It frightens me and DH, and we're both knocking 50.

Can we cancel them? if so, how.

OP posts:
stilltiredinthemorning · 07/12/2019 08:28

ScrambledEgg I'm sorry for your loss and to hear that your Dad has terminal cancer. However, I think your own grief is clouding your judgement here. The type of behaviour the OP's Dad is exhibiting (see MrsSpenser post above) should not be something children should have to endure. It may actually be a safeguarding concern. She needs to keep her children safe. I'm sure making that choice will be heartbreaking for her.

SunniDay · 07/12/2019 08:28

Hi OP,
I have skimmed over the thread so apologies if I am repeating anyone.

I would not allow your parents to come to you because you have said that the care home/social services have said the current placement isn't suitable. There is the possibility that once they have left the care home will refuse them to go back. They will then be living with you and it sounds like they need more care and support than you are able to give (even with the best of intentions). Don't forget that people who work with them go home after 8-12 hours and have several days a week off. They do not do 24 hours 7 days a week. In your family you still have commitments to your children too.

If they got into a situation where they live with you it is also possible that dye to their different needs your father will be offered a different placement from your mother (splitting them up). If you/your mother refuse this then social services may be able to say they have offered solutions which were refused. While they are in a care home together I would fight to keep them there (perhaps with additional funding for greater care for your dad) or to move together. But if placements are offered only to your dad and you refuse to let them be separated then social services won't be able to leave you to it because the care home will continue to complain about the unsuitable placement.

OP I have every sympathy. I love my parents but in your situation I wouldn't have my kids Xmas become a makeshift care home setting when the benefit to your parents will be little (if not actually detrimental to them to be in unfamiliar circumstamces).

Leave them where they are and visit them on Xmas eve/boxing day. Perhaps one or more of your children could accompany you to visit.

dontmentionbookclub · 07/12/2019 08:29

@MrsSpenserGregson I think you have provided the answer to this for all of us. Thank you for writing that as it clearly wasn't easy.

cherryblossomgin · 07/12/2019 08:33

I don't think people realise how fast SS work. Someone might need help now but SS isn't usually quick to act. It can take weeks and months to find a place and it depends on the amount of cases they have and the severity.

Why not drive down Christmas Morning and do Christmas dinner, you could do the cooking for them at there house and stay till the evening. I have worked with people with dementia and I understand that it can be upsetting for kids also confusing and scary. YANBU to be concerned. I found it difficult and at times I did get scared too.

user1497997754 · 07/12/2019 08:35

I wouldn't have then visit I would go and see them the week before Christmas. Take food and easy to prepare meals and stick up the fridge. Make the SS assessment a priority. Enjoy the Christmas with you and your own family. Having them to stay is a nightmare waiting to happen it will end in tears on both sides. I wouldn't have anyone in my house who was sexually I appropriate whoever they were. I think you need to protect your children from that kind of behaviour. Take no notice of the do gooders on here they are talking bollocks to be honest. Dont feel guilty.....your doing the best you can.

BathTangle · 07/12/2019 08:36

@MrsSpenserGregson thank you for your bravery in setting that out. My experience of dementia (frontal lobe and Parkinson's-related in two different relatives) pales into insignificance by comparison but I think it is important for people to understand the genuine impact on wider families. OP, I hope you can find a way to have a peaceful Christmas.

stilltiredinthemorning · 07/12/2019 08:39

Apologies OP I've realised reading back that I just assumed you are a 'her'.

Medievalist · 07/12/2019 08:40

OP - you have my every sympathy. But I think sorting out proper care for both your parents is your priority, not Xmas.

Do you or anyone else have power of attorney so you can make health decisions on their behalf? It really does sound to me like your df should be in a care home and that he is a danger to your dm. Unfortunately the default is for social services to keep people going in their own homes with carers coming in if at all possible. So you may have to fight for s place in a care home, or there'll have to be some sort of crisis.

I certainly don't think you should have them at Xmas. I'm sure the upheaval would be very upsetting for them both. I wouldn't have an alcoholic stay with me anyway, even if they didn't have dementia.

I think you're right to be concerned about your dcs. And I expect your df, pre dementia and alcoholism, would have been horrified at the thought of his grandchildren seeing him that way.

Could you perhaps stay with them on Xmas eve, have Xmas lunch with them and then go home to spend the rest of the day with your family?

Doilooklikeatourist · 07/12/2019 08:42

My Father had this type of dementia, there’s no way he would have coped with being away from home for 9 days .
Definitely change the plans , and I hope SS can help you out

Barsh · 07/12/2019 08:46

I can’t believe the virtue signalling and judging on this thread. Show some empathy and think before you post.

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/12/2019 08:50

That sounds horrendous @MrsSpenserGregson. I hope the people saying the OP should just be compassionate towards her parents have read it. It's easy to say that kind of thing when you have no experience of the reality. My own experience was bad enough but not as bad as that.

My mother had Alzheimer's and was terrified when taken out of her own environment. My sister used to try and take her out for family meals at a restaurant or walking in the grounds of a stately home to see snowdrops - it was just a terrible day out for all of us and my mother was terrified the whole time. She was also incontinent and would fly into unreasonable rages, I wouldn't have wanted her around my grandchildren for very long.

Nine days is too long for the OP's parents to be away from home - for them as much as anyone else. Good luck getting help from Social Services for them as that isn't easy either.

Cultoffortnite · 07/12/2019 08:51

They’re your PARENTS op. Imagine how bloody inconvenient you were as a baby.
Talk to your children. Are you honestly going to leave them alone at Xmas?
It does sounds as if the time has come to step inTo get them support and care. You can do this against their wishes if it is necessary to help keep them safe.

AwkwardSquad · 07/12/2019 08:51

All these people sentimentalising about compassion and empathy have really no idea of the reality of dealing with people with dementia, particularly mixed with alcoholism.

This. Wishing you strength, OP.

Cultoffortnite · 07/12/2019 08:53

Can you have them for a few days? Do you need to change your Xmas plans to get them support?

You have many many Christmas’s ahead of you, I doubt they do.

Hotseat · 07/12/2019 08:54

Is this real? Sorry OP you just cone across as selfish. So both your parents are ill and you want to abandon them at Christmas. Because this time of year is all about presents and food. I assume you were born totally self sufficient and did not their help in raising you.
What a dreadful example you are setting for your children. If your df is as bad as you say, give non alcoholic beer/wine. Shame on you.

catwithflowers · 07/12/2019 08:54

ScrambledEggForBrains
What a horrible post. 😢. Good luck with your decision, OP. It sounds incredibly difficult all round.

AwkwardSquad · 07/12/2019 08:56

Just want to add - the ‘it’s famileeeee’ people saying ‘have some compassion ‘ need to have a good think and behave with some compassion towards those whose families have caused or continue to cause serious damage and trauma. The sentimental guilt tripping really does not help.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 07/12/2019 08:59

YADNBU OP Flowers

One of my Great Grandmothers had FLD; I was mid 20s. She was extremely violent. The rage and strength of a barely 5 foot 7 stone woman was fucking terrifying, but the things she would say were even worse. And that’s without the alcoholism on top.

My DC were only toddlers, so never met her, it wasn’t worth the risk. If one my Grandparents, who my DC know very well, were to have the same condition, I absolutely would keep them away from it. My GP have already instructed me to, having seen the damage it caused me with GGM, although they didn’t want me to see her I went against their wishes with that as I was very close to her.

Seriouslyconfused3 · 07/12/2019 09:01

I think op you need to think about what your df would want if he had the proper capacity to make the decision! Would he really want his dgc to see him behaving sexually inappropriately or acting in a frightening way- of course not.

I would visit them both maybe take them some Xmas dinner etc and see if your dbro can do the same.

You have my sincere sympathies op it is a horrible fucker of an illness Flowers

PrimalLass · 07/12/2019 09:02

Is this real? Sorry OP you just cone across as selfish

Have you read the thread?

PurpleDaisies · 07/12/2019 09:08

If your df is as bad as you say, give non alcoholic beer/wine.

That’s a nice way to give an alcoholic a seizure for Christmas.

catwithflowers · 07/12/2019 09:08

ScrambledEggForBrains. I’ve just seen your second post about your dad and your recent loss and am sorry. However I still stand by my conviction that the OP is in a really horrible situation and the many posters on this thread telling her she is a dreadful daughter and her parents deserve better is not at all helpful.

cansu · 07/12/2019 09:09

9 days is too long even if they were well. Collect them and grit your teeth for two or three days max. I wouldn't have anyone at Christmas for nine whole days!

JacobReesClunge · 07/12/2019 09:09

I'm sorry you've come in for so much stupidity and twattishness on this thread OP. Hope you are able to pick out the good from it.

ThighThighOfthigh · 07/12/2019 09:17

I voted YABU at the start but YANBU, sorry.

I would go to them on boxing day and do Christmas again then leave in the evening.

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