.... to think my relative may find it hard to be a first-time Mum?

[Plurabelle]

Someone in my family is expecting her first baby in May.

Her husband is very ambitious and work long hours - 50-60 hours a week is the norm and sometimes more. Frequently away from home overnight and there's also an expectation to take part in work-related socialising. (Team bonding weekends away in European cities.)

Her own job is also demanding. Certainly 50 hours a week and very full-on. But term time only.

They have a pleasant flat and are financially fairly secure, though the husband is ambitious for them to get 'on the next level' ie buy their own flat. He is very, very work-focused and just cannot switch off from this - other than when taking holidays/playing sport.

Their lifestyle means that although they have many friends, few of them are local and the ones who are in couples, mostly haven't had children yet.

My relative's mother lives 300 miles away and has major health problems. His parents live a bit closer - but it's 120 miles. A good few hours by car.

Both parents-to-be are excited about the baby. The current plan is for the baby to go in full-time childcare once my relative has finished maternity leave.

My sense is that things are going to be very tough for her, though as her job is demanding, her partner is likely to be absent for much of the time and at present she has no close friends nearby.

Is that 'just how things are now?' - I am an older Mumsnetter. Or would most of you anticipate that things might get quite tricky?

I would expect things to be tricky yes and so I would make sure I was available to help.

The truth is, though, that people manage. Be available but don't wish them into trouble.

Well what are they supposed to do then?

Yes they will find it hard, a new baby pretty much always is. I guess it depends how much they earn, and how much they can outsource.

Plenty of ambitious career focused people have children and carry on working. Which is good, because someone needs to keep the wheels of industry turning while and I'm reading mumsnet!

Maybe she will, maybe she won't. She might thrive and excel. She might not return to work. Who knows. All you can do is be about if she asks for help (if you're available) and wish them well.

Everyone finds being a first time mum difficult and a bit of a shock. She'll be fine, and they will adapt their home life accordingly. At least it sounds as if they have enough money to afford help like a cleaner and childminder/nursery.

A network of mum friends to help would be useful. She could join nct. I found that very helpful in similar circumstances and didn't struggle at all.

Surely they will come to their own conclusions once baby has arrived. If they are not managing then they will have to re-evaluate their lifestyle and adapt accordingly. When I had my 1st DC, I planned to return to work full time. When she was born with a rare condition it became apparent that that plan wouldn't be possible so I went back part time. DH carried on with his career for a number of years until, with 2 DC's, one of whom had frequent stays in hospital, he had to change career path and take a lower paid (less hours) job. We had to adjust.

My point being that plans and dreams often have to change. I'm sure they'll manage to adapt in whatever way they need to - it sounds like they both have good jobs so clearly have a modicum of intelligence. Why are you so concerned (i'm guessing you are Grandma to be?). Let them get on with it - they are adults.

I think it's pretty disappointing if her husband is just going to carry on with his workaholic jetsetting lifestyle and not adapt at all in order to support his wife and their new baby.

Does that mean she'll be the one doing all pick ups and drop offs, missing work when the baby is ill and needs to stay at home, etc etc? If so I do think that's very hard. Certainly people do it, but it's hard.

My husband works 50 hours a week plus commute, I live in a different country to my family and have no friends here. Slightly different situation but I am 10 weeks in and coping fine. She might cope or she might not but sometimes people in an 'ideal' situation dont cope and sometimes people in a more challenging situation do.

I suppose that I'm thinking back to my own experiences.

I found it quite tough at times even though I had a supportive partner with flexible working hours and many friends locally.

I think that some of my instincts are saying, 'I think this is going to go wrong. I think my relative will be depressed and isolated. I think her partner is going to be so focused on his ambitions that he is not going to support her sufficiently.'

A lot depends on how flexible they turn out to be, and it is interesting to hear other people's stories.

And yes, just being there to offer support if needed is really all that can be done.

I think it's just the run up to Xmas which is making me stop and think about the year ahead, and the changes it will bring.

I was in a very, very similar position to your friend (identical in fact except that my job is not term-time only). I am just coming to the end of my maternity leave and so far I have managed. I am worried about the next few months though as I put my daughter into nursery and go back to work. I've chosen to go back part-time - perhaps that is an option for your friend. There's never a perfect situation for having a baby, unfortunately.

People who are used to high-powered jobs, keeping lots of balls in the air, are often better at coping with difficult situations than someone who thinks of nothing but the impending baby, reads nothing but baby books and had no other topic of conversation.

You never know OP

At least she knows at the outset she is going to be on her own. Much better that than a mum whose partner could be there but thinks because his wife is on maternity leave that his life carries on as normal so is out socialising or doing a hobby all the time.

So much of it depends what type of person she is (eg is she fine with her own company), how much her husband steps up (lots of people work 60 hours and are still fully involved parents when they are at home, others say 'I work hard so need a rest'), what friends she makes in pregnancy and when she is off (some nct and baby groups seem welcoming and great and everyone binds really well, in others they are cliquey and unfriendly) and what type of baby she has, if it has colic etc

All these are unknown...fingers crossed it will be fine. Plenty of people manage in similar circumstances

People who are used to high-powered jobs, keeping lots of balls in the air, are often better at coping with difficult situations than someone who thinks of nothing but the impending baby, reads nothing but baby books and had no other topic of conversation.

Unfortunately I have not observed this to be true. Having a baby is utterly different from having a highly pressured job (depending, obviously, on the job) because you can't control as much. People who are used to being very very competent often find the adjustment hard because they feel crapper about not being good at it (which most people are not at first).

And sometimes they don't and they manage fine; doesn't do too generalise.

Unless this is your DS or DD I think it’s very strange that you’re worrying about this. Are you a natural worrier/anxious person? Have the couple themselves expressed any worries directly to you?

It just seems very negative/pessimistic to project perceived struggles onto what sounds like a settled, financially secure couple ready for a baby. Yes they sound busy but not remotely far from any other normal family set up.

Maybe she’ll go back part time, maybe he’ll cut back on the travel once baby is here or maybe they’ll both carry on as they plan. Do you see the situation directly affecting you and that’s why you’re worried?

'I think this is going to go wrong.

You're a ray of sunshine aren't you?

I was in a similar situation....we were fine. Still are 15 years later.

I think it’s very strange that you’re worrying about this

Me too. I don't think OP is worrying about it though. I think OP is enjoying anticipating things "going wrong"

It might be hard, it might not, plenty of people find it hard for other reasons.

Lots of people manage in similar situations.

Same situation during my first pregnancy except I was the one doing more travel (living between 2 countries (16 hour flights one way), still travelling to Asia, South America and Africa for my job. 3 children later, childcare is primarily my responsibility and I started my own business and work even more with less travel because I can choose to travel less. I thrived under the pressure and I love being a mum. I'm better at juggling many balls, than focusing all my energy on one thing. So completely depends on their dynamic. Ambition is not a negative in my book, it's my driving force, that and my children

@Billhadersnewwife

My money is on OP being an overly-anxious Granny to be. It would be very sad if it’s just a random relative and OP is hoping for future drama but you never know.

It'll be difficult but I imagine they'll adapt and make the changes they need to. I think it depends alot too on what kind of child you have (good sleeper? Happy to be left at nursery? Doesn't tend to pick up colds and D&Vs?) and what kind of parents they turn out to be (worriers, or relaxed).

Is that 'just how things are now?' ... Or would most of you anticipate that things might get quite tricky?

I think both of these things are true. That's how things are now for many people - stressful, demanding jobs and no family nearby. And yes, it's tricky to deal with that when you have a child. We were/are in this situation, yes it's tricky but what can you do, that's just life. If it gets too much, maybe they can employ more help (cleaning, childcare etc), or cut down on work hours if that is at all possible.

Do you live nearby? Are you available to help? If so great.

Don't be 'expecting' her to fail though. My DH worked away in the military after we had our first son, I returned to work full time and my son went to nursery. We had no family around to help, and we were new to the area too. It was bloody hard work but nobody died! I managed to keep DS fed, clean and alive until DH got home at weekends. After 6 months of full time work I did reduce my hours though, and now with 2 kids and DH away (again!) I'm still managing. Some people cope better than others, but an offer of help will never go wrong.

I’m not in that different a position to your relative. I have very limited family support (both our families live in Europe, we’re in London) about to go on mat. leave from a demanding role, and most of my ‘social life’ locally has been with colleagues.

I’ve made new “Mum” contacts via NCT and other meet up groups while pregnant. I know I’ll find it tough, but what new Mum doesn’t!
Realistically Monday to Friday I will be alone from 7:30am-10:30pm at best. If we are lucky, DH will be able to take two weeks paternity leave (but will have to work from home). I love my DH’s ambitions and wouldn’t change them, his determination and drive have always been one of the things I find most attractive about him. I also think he will make a great dad. He is in a role that in future years, his hard work now will enable him to step back a bit, so it’s a phase of our lives - not forever. And if that means a bit more pressure on me for a few years, we will find a way to cope. I myself will go back to work after 9 months. Realistically I know it will be me covering all childcare drop offs, sick leave etc, so my own career may have to take a bit of a slower pace. My thoughts are that I’m aware of this, and will take it as it comes. Sometimes - as other posters have said - plans change based on circumstances.

Has your relative expressed any concerns to you? Or are you simply comparing your experiences to hers? It may be that what she hopes for and wants, is different than yours. You sound caring, but I’d urge caution in sharing your worries, no doubt they are worries your relative has thought through, and they will cope as best they can.

Both of us work FT jobs. My DH is pretty career focussed. As am I. Our parents live on different CONTINENTS. We have/had no family in the UK. And moved to a new neighbourhood so no real friends in the area. None of my friends had kids. First time motherhood was tough. DH stepped up. We got excellent childcare. We have two kids now, a good life.
The grandparents visited when they could.
We made friends.
Some friends without kids dropped off, we made new friends. Others were and still are invaluable. Yes the early days and nights were tough but they are tough even with support.
We were extremely lucky to be financially stable so could throw money at a few things- could get takeaways without a second thought, get a private breastfeeding consultation. Those bits helped too.

Is the DH a useless husband? Lots of people work long hours and work hard. Doesn’t make them bad husbands and fathers.
Wanting to buy their own flat is not an unreasonable expectation.
Neither is putting your child in FT childcare.
Of course things may go wrong, when does if not with a first baby- but if the parents have each other’s backs and are trying their best for the kid, it will be fine in the long run.

This is just another smug "they'll never cope". The amount of times I have heard someone say that about a woman expecting a baby and that woman has coped, in fact more than coped, was in fact an amazing mother. I hate the "they'll never cope" brigade. There almost seems to be an element of wishful thinking in it.