.... to think my relative may find it hard to be a first-time Mum?

[Plurabelle]

Someone in my family is expecting her first baby in May.

Her husband is very ambitious and work long hours - 50-60 hours a week is the norm and sometimes more. Frequently away from home overnight and there's also an expectation to take part in work-related socialising. (Team bonding weekends away in European cities.)

Her own job is also demanding. Certainly 50 hours a week and very full-on. But term time only.

They have a pleasant flat and are financially fairly secure, though the husband is ambitious for them to get 'on the next level' ie buy their own flat. He is very, very work-focused and just cannot switch off from this - other than when taking holidays/playing sport.

Their lifestyle means that although they have many friends, few of them are local and the ones who are in couples, mostly haven't had children yet.

My relative's mother lives 300 miles away and has major health problems. His parents live a bit closer - but it's 120 miles. A good few hours by car.

Both parents-to-be are excited about the baby. The current plan is for the baby to go in full-time childcare once my relative has finished maternity leave.

My sense is that things are going to be very tough for her, though as her job is demanding, her partner is likely to be absent for much of the time and at present she has no close friends nearby.

Is that 'just how things are now?' - I am an older Mumsnetter. Or would most of you anticipate that things might get quite tricky?

Depends on the baby, depends on her attitude to motherhood, and you know nothing of their friend support - you can make very good helpful friends in your NCT group for exampmle

Some MN are unable to mow their own lawn or go in their own loft without hand holding, others are perfectly fine. It's only on MN that most couples apparently are together from 4pm and both parents equally available for bath/diner/bedtime. In the real world, one parent tend to cope very well on their own.

They have months before the baby even turns up, let them just be normal and deal with things as they happen.

There are single mums with NO money and NO help, they cope. From how you've described this couple, they seem more than capable of 'coping'.
Maybe you are just concerned about them, but you do come across as very patronising.

I suppose I think of those posts where I have read in which husbands move to the spare room because they need their sleep and the wife has broken nights as well as either being on her own with the baby during the long day

so what? What's the point of 2 adults being kept awake when only one is needed? Even if you don't breastfeed and take turn, there's absolutely no benefit whatsoever for both parents to have a broken night sleep.

Sounds very sensible to me. My youngest is in Primary School and whoever is not dealing with a sick child still to get to sleep through the night! and that person is first whoever doesn't go to work the following day.

MN is weird sometimes.

Well she's planning on going back to work and it sounds like they can afford help generally. They will both have time away from the baby which I think is one of the hardest things for most people to manage.

To be honest it sounds to me like it will be significantly easier for them than it is for a lot of people.

You could definitely potentially be needed and I'm sure she'll be grateful for any help you can hat you do offer.

so what? What's the point of 2 adults being kept awake when only one is needed? Even if you don't breastfeed and take turn, there's absolutely no benefit whatsoever for both parents to have a broken night sleep.

Swapping nights off isn't the same as "moving into the spare room" though is it? And why should one person be exhausted for the entirety of the baby years while one never is?

Swapping nights off isn't the same as "moving into the spare room" though is it? And why should one person be exhausted for the entirety of the baby years while one never is

you are the one who translated it like that. I think it's more then sensible for the working parent to sleep whilst the SAH parent does the nights, at least during the week.

One person can slob in their pjs pretty much all day whilst their partner is at work let's be honest.

There are enough pissed off posts from MNetters complaining that when it's their turn to sleep through they are being disturbed by their other half.. Can't have it both ways 🤷

I think it would be quite difficult for her if she’s working 50 hours per week and also doing the vast majority of nursery runs, bedtimes and mornings, taking time off when the baby is ill etc.

But her husband may well not approach life the same way once he has a child. Just because he’s never home and always working now doesn’t mean he’s planning to do that after the baby’s born. Most people realise that lives have to change to some degree once you’re a parent and it’s not fair to expect the other parent to do all the work - and most of us want to see our children sometimes too! So maybe it’ll work out much better than you’re fearing.

no, I didn't translate it that way. The OP even said as "get dressed for nursery and then go to a demanding job". You just can't imagine anything other than a SAHM or a SAHM who "slobbs about".

And while money undoubtedly helps, I think the money side is complex - a mixture of the husband having to buy into a partnership - and a fixed sense on his part the kind of lifestyle that is the right one. So my relative has said that it is necessary for her to return to work full-time. There hasn't been a kind of 'We might do this or we might do that.'*

Why do you think he is driving that rather than her? I think a lot of women feel like they need to say that returning to work is necessary rather than their preference. It comes across quite clearly to me that you disapprove of mothers working full time so it's perhaps particularly unsurprising if she doesn't feel like she can just say it's her preference to you.

I went back full time and knew it's what I wanted from the outset.

What’s with the sudden use of “my relative” on here today? There’s no one I refer to as that.

OP, they’ll be fine. Your concern seems misplaced. People have babies every hour of the day in circumstances other people find less than ideal.

I think most people find their own ways to balance the sleep deprivation of the early years. But there do seem a lot of people out there who think that Dad should get an uninterrupted 8 hours no exception no matter how much sleep the baby’s mother is getting, because nobody can possibly be expected to be The Breadwinner on less than perfect sleep. (Until Mum goes back to work too, and then nobody’s bothered about working on broken nights...)

I did all the night wakings with one of my babies who slept pretty well. The one that was a demon non-sleeper DH took some turns though. Being able to wear PJs all day wouldn’t have made up for only getting 3 hours of sleep night after night.

as the OP is talking about a couple who are not having a baby until MAY, we are free to imagine a lot of things but no need to pretend anyone knows how the parents have decided to organise themselves ?

The OP seems to know an awful amount of details and the negative "my relative will HAVE to return to work" is none of her business.

But there do seem a lot of people out there who think that Dad should get an uninterrupted 8 hours no exception no matter how much sleep the baby’s mother is getting, because nobody can possibly be expected to be The Breadwinner on less than perfect sleep.

interesting that you immediately make it a mum vs dad - you do realise that gay couples have kids too don't you? Makes no difference.

Yes, the working parent should get some sleep during the week. If it worked for you to have a working DH as tired as you, good for you. Most people can't nap during the day at work, whilst SAH parent can...

Relative has said, around the time she shared the news about the baby.

1. 'I'll have to return to work full-time' and also
2. 'I don't really care about getting a house, extra money - I think we've got enough, as long as we can cope I'm happy. But Partner does care. It's really important to him.'

But obviously both 1) and 2) may change.

interesting that you immediately make it a mum vs dad - you do realise that gay couples have kids too don't you?

Yes - and strangely enough, the same kind of heteronormative "kids are mum's work not dad's" doesn't apply. Whyever might that be, I cannot imagine.

If it worked for you to have a working DH as tired as you, good for you. Most people can't nap during the day at work, whilst SAH parent can...

I couldn't nap during the day as SAH parent with that baby, no. And it worked for both of us to have both parents get enough sleep to function, rather than one getting 8 hours and one hallucinating with sleep deprivation. Nobody can function night after night after night on 3 hours of sleep just because "oh you can wear pyjamas and slob on the sofa".

I think so much of this is down to chance; some babies sleep well from the get-go, some have reflux, some parents have post natal depression, some parents fall into a routine and breeze through. It's all luck.

For all that some families try to prepare and feel ready for a baby, there's no certain way to ensure you have an easy baby or an easy time as a parent. The best skill you can learn as a first time parent is to just roll with every day. Nobody's circumstances are baby-proof

Your OP sounds like my daughter 11 years ago. To be honest I never thought that she was going to have any troubles, and she didn't.

Her children are now 10 and 8, her husband still has a high powered job, long hours and travel. She also has a high-responsibility job, but like your relative it's term time so she gets good holidays with the children.

They don't have family support but she advertised for a child minder at her school, and the daughter of one of the teachers applied - she is a student teacher and her hours fit in really well with the children so they get continuity and really good activities since the childminder tries out all her new knowledge on them !

DD also has a big friend circle, other teachers at school and friends from her baby groups.

I'm sure your relative will be fine - life has a way of working itself out.

Also I think it's important for both parents to realise that they may have to be flexible about broken nights when both will be returning to full-time work. Not all babies will be regularly sleeping through by that point and even the ones that are will have nights when they're teething, ill, waking up with nightmares, etc. So somebody's going to have to cope with going to work on less-than-ideal sleep and it shouldn't always have to be the same somebody.

But I wouldn't assume the husband in this scenario will necessarily be totally inflexible about that or about work hours or about anything else. Lots of us change our plans after babies come along. He might end up going from working every spare second and never being at home to taking shared parental leave, you never know.

Not too dissimilar to our situation, we manage fine.

Take your sticky beak elsewhere. You aren't worried, you are judging.

Sounds like a normal working couple? My DH works more like 70 hours a week for a big 4 consultancy including week ends. I also work full time. We have an au pair to supplement full time nursery and we manage just fine

As long as they can afford to pay a nanny they won’t have any more issues than other families.

My father died when my eldest was two weeks old, and when he was three weeks old my mother found out she had breast cancer. My in-laws worked fulltime. My husband and I owned a business, which he ran, so he only took a couple of days off when I gave birth. I was caring for a newborn and also supporting my mother through the loss of her husband and her cancer diagnosis, while also grieving my father. I was 22. It's nice to have support, but sometimes you just have to get on with it. And you do.

minty roses that's what I don't get, their situation seems completely normal (even more fortunate than a lot of parents to be's situations), so I don't understand what makes them unique that the OP thinks they won't cope?

People who are used to high-powered jobs, keeping lots of balls in the air, are often better at coping with difficult situations than someone who thinks of nothing but the impending baby, reads nothing but baby books and had no other topic of conversation.

Props @tillytrotter1🗨

When I had my baby, I didn't have any family close and had no support and I got on with it. I was actually so happy with my baby that I didn't really notice. The only bad part was when MIL came for two weeks "to help as I had no support" and was extremely horrid. That put a huge clinker in my otherwise very happy chain.

I could be wrong but I get the impression that you are talking about either your daughter or your niece. Either way, you are far too negative and far too invested. Some people cope very well, some struggle.