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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.... to think my relative may find it hard to be a first-time Mum?

113 replies

Plurabelle · 05/12/2019 10:31

Someone in my family is expecting her first baby in May.

Her husband is very ambitious and work long hours - 50-60 hours a week is the norm and sometimes more. Frequently away from home overnight and there's also an expectation to take part in work-related socialising. (Team bonding weekends away in European cities.)

Her own job is also demanding. Certainly 50 hours a week and very full-on. But term time only.

They have a pleasant flat and are financially fairly secure, though the husband is ambitious for them to get 'on the next level' ie buy their own flat. He is very, very work-focused and just cannot switch off from this - other than when taking holidays/playing sport.

Their lifestyle means that although they have many friends, few of them are local and the ones who are in couples, mostly haven't had children yet.

My relative's mother lives 300 miles away and has major health problems. His parents live a bit closer - but it's 120 miles. A good few hours by car.

Both parents-to-be are excited about the baby. The current plan is for the baby to go in full-time childcare once my relative has finished maternity leave.

My sense is that things are going to be very tough for her, though as her job is demanding, her partner is likely to be absent for much of the time and at present she has no close friends nearby.

Is that 'just how things are now?' - I am an older Mumsnetter. Or would most of you anticipate that things might get quite tricky?

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 05/12/2019 11:18

Who knows OP? People are surprising. Having a baby causes many people to re-evaluate what’s important. Why are you so invested in how they’ll cope?

Sounds like you’re waiting for them to fail.

housinghelp101 · 05/12/2019 11:19

I really would not worry about them. They are financially secure so presumably do not have to worry about her going back to work ASAP. There are honestly women in a much worse predicament who you should save your angst for.

Mishfit0819 · 05/12/2019 11:20

I hope you are concerned out of love for this person, and not as judgemental as it comes across.

Many mums cope with no support, many don't cope even with family and friends around because at the end of the day there is only so much they can do/help with.

PollyPelargonium52 · 05/12/2019 11:21

Maybe advise her to get a nanny, if there is room in the flat that is.

LaurieMarlow · 05/12/2019 11:22

The vast majority of people cope. Sometimes they adjust circumstances to do so. Why would this be any different?

OverthinkingThis · 05/12/2019 11:24

Hi OP, your relative's situation sounds similar to mine, except DP and I work more like 40 hours a week. Honestly it's been fine. We have no local family and few local friends (though I made a couple on mat leave). I found lots of things about new motherhood hard, but they weren't really things related to our working patterns or local support network.

Yes, it might go wrong in all the ways you worry about but a) you can't predict that now -parenthood might have profound effects on one or both of them and their situation may change. And b) you can't do anything about it now anyway? All you can do is be there to pick up the pieces (if there are any)

firawla · 05/12/2019 11:25

Why just expect them to fail? It’s coming across judgy. I would have no reason to presume she will struggle any more than the next person. My mum always says similar about relatives of ours “oh they’d never cope with a baby, with all their work hours and house isn’t suitable” but doesn’t everyone just adapt on the job. First baby is a learning curve for everyone.

MyOwnSummer · 05/12/2019 11:25

I normally just lurk, but feel compelled to try and set your mind at rest - I am recently returned to work after Maternity Leave, both DP and I have high pressure jobs with long hours. We make it work, and we are OK. Whether your relative is alright will depend a lot on her partner's attitude in the early months. If he is willing to listen and make compromises about how he spends his time they will be OK. As others have pointed out, if they both earn well then many basic things like cleaning can be outsourced.

I worried a lot that my career was going to be ruined when I found out I was pregnant, and that my DP would not step up enough. I was wrong on both counts - thankfully! NCT or similar alternative groups can also be a lifesaver. The internet is awesome for staying in touch and getting moral support/advice too.

1300cakes · 05/12/2019 11:28

This seems a bit nasty really. Like you hate that they are successful and can't wait for them to fail at parenting and be taken down a peg.

They sound pretty smart so I'm sure they'll work it out. Lots of people don't have parents close by/alive and get by just fine. Ditto "close friends who have babies". If her current social life suits her now, I'm sure it will suit her just as well in a few months time.

I know my usual habit has always been to catch up with friends every 1-2 months. That remained the same on mat leave, I didn't change personalities and become desperate to see friends daily.

QuietCrotchgoblins · 05/12/2019 11:28

I don't think is the op being mean about them not coping.

Motherhood can be lonely, Particularly when your life has been very busy and high flying previously and with limited family support around. I would definitely suggest nct or similar to make friends with people in similar circumstances.

The people I know in similar situations have struggled and it's no wander!!! It turns your life upside down at the start.

Any help you can offer op when the time comes could be useful to them

Goldenchildsmum · 05/12/2019 11:29

OP - I'm sure they'll be just fine with all the help and support you're going to offer to them

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/12/2019 11:30

I had no support when I had my eldest, I was fine. No one has any idea of how being a parent will affect them. She's also very lucky to have a term time only job, a lot of stress is caused by juggling childcare in school holidays.

doadeer · 05/12/2019 11:30

I have a similar situation in that I had a successful job pre baby and DH works 15 hours a day and my family are far away and his no help. It is hard. There's no way around that. She may find that the idea of putting her baby in full time nursery after mat leave isn't possible she may find it fine. I do know that the ideas you have about a baby before having them and the reality when they are there is very different. She will feel very isolated if her DH keeps working those hours... He needs to support as much as possible.

churchandstate · 05/12/2019 11:32

I think you need to focus on your own situation and leave this couple to work things out for themselves.

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 05/12/2019 11:33

I don't perceive the OP as being judgy or bitchy at all; I think a lot of you are reading that into it.

For example, I have a friend who lost her dad this year. I too have lost a parent. I was thinking of her this morning, considering that she might find Christmas hard, and thought I'd get in touch to say hi, how you doing, hope all well, this time of year can be rough. I perceive the OP as doing just the same.

Original poster
Plurabelle · 05/12/2019 11:34

I posted because there may be some slight issues regarding the two older women who might normally offer support. My relative's mother is some distance away and has some quite serious health problems - there are some relationship difficulties too. My relative's mother-in-law seems to have caused a slight difficulty at the outset by being very fearful - because of her own gynae history - offering a lot of unsolicited advice about things my relative mustn't do. (On Mumsnet
relations with mothers in law seem to be very fraught.)

So, rightly or wrongly, I feel as if I could potentially be needed at some point. I've stepped in in the past in two major periods when my relative's mother has been unwell, and my relative - who was first a teenager, and then a young adult - had needed practical and emotional support.

So I suppose that meant I've developed something of a sense of being on standby.

But, no, I certainly wouldn't step in again unless I were to be asked.

OP posts:
BlueJava · 05/12/2019 11:34

They could find it hard - but maybe they have plans such as a nanny/au pair. Obviously couple have to adapt - we both planned to return to work FT however one of our twins was very sick and DP became a SAHD and I returned to work FT.

Elbeagle · 05/12/2019 11:34

It sounds very similar to the circumstances we were in when we had DC1. It was hard. Then I gave up my job and we moved to be closer to family and friends when we had DC2. That was also hard.
Then we had DC3, living in the same village as my family and friends and with a great support network. It was still hard.
Having babies was hard (for me). The circumstances around it were almost immaterial... each way we did things brought it’s own challenges. I don’t remember having DD1 being any more difficult that 2 and 3.

mauvaisereputation · 05/12/2019 11:36

TBH the husband's attitude doesn't sound like one I would appreciate, but both parties sound perfectly normal. Loads of people have kids in this situation. The fact that the mum's job is term time only means she will spend loads more time with her kid than most working parents. Are you worried because she won't be a SAHP? Both me and my partner work professional jobs with occasional long hours and we have a very happy home life.

MRex · 05/12/2019 11:42

It's rather offensive that you don't give two obviously capable people the benefit of the doubt that they'll manage to work out how to look after a baby between them. They sound like they're in a very good place financially, with a good relationship and a comfortable home too. That's a much better start for the baby than some. Parents adapt; some do surprisingly well and others struggle; you won't know which from the outset and it has nothing to do with any of the "issues" you're raising. If you care about them then be supportive, if you just hope they fail (which it sounds like) then take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself where you've gone wrong.

BlackSwanGreen · 05/12/2019 11:43

Some of these applied to me when I had my first baby - a full-on job, a husband working long hours, no local friends. I soon made local friends through NCT and baby groups, decided not to return to my stressful job, and loved being a mum!

However, I did have help from my parents so that is one important difference.

Settlersofcatan · 05/12/2019 11:43

We are in a similar position and it helps a lot that we earn enough to pay for a really good nursery, a cleaner and regular evening babysitting. I am envious of people who have family support to help with overnights but I am fine. I am not particularly fussed about emotional support, I am an introvert and quite self reliant

MRex · 05/12/2019 11:44

(Actually most new mums I know haven't had much support, if any, from their DM and MIL these days, that's not unusual at all unfortunately. )

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 05/12/2019 11:48

TBH it does sound more of a smug "they'll never cope" post. I hope I'm wrong. You just seem so invested in something that isn't really anything to do with you.

My parents told me when I was newly pregnant that I'd never cope, they were concerned for me.... Worried how hard I'll find being a new mum. Told me that they guarantee my marriage would end within 6 months because it won't cope with the pressure of a baby (yet here I am still married 16 years later)....

While pregnant my husband worked a 60+ hour week as was self employed. He had three days off after the birth and left me with the new baby. I coped. I had NO relatives close by, no friends close by as we were in a new country...and I not only coped, I survived and thrived!

My parents (mainly my dad, mum was much better) who were "so worried" never helped, they were as much use as chocolate tea pots and instead of congratulating me on being capable and a bloody good mom, all they did was tell me "oh newborn is the easy bit, it gets harder when they move" before "oh toddlers are easy, wait til they start school" always trying to scare me that the worst is yet to come. Thankfully I just ignored them and my now teenage children have been an absolute dream and are a credit to me.

So OP please don't assume they won't cope. You don't bloody know. You hear it all the time...especially for teenage mums who then go on and give birth and are incredible mums. Just butt out and let them enjoy their journey.

Original poster
Plurabelle · 05/12/2019 12:17

Perhaps the challenge I'd see in terms of their coping is that, as far as I know, my relative - who hates conflict - has never asked her husband to change or compromise. I think this can work relatively well when people are healthy and both earning money and have only themselves to please.

It seems to me that this suddenly becomes harder when there is a baby. (I suppose I think of those posts where I have read in which husbands move to the spare room because they need their sleep and the wife has broken nights as well as either being on her own with the baby during the long day or dealing with getting the baby ready for nursery, doing a demanding job, then picking up the baby again.)

And while money undoubtedly helps, I think the money side is complex - a mixture of the husband having to buy into a partnership - and a fixed sense on his part the kind of lifestyle that is the right one. So my relative has said that it is necessary for her to return to work full-time. There hasn't been a kind of 'We might do this or we might do that.'

Perhaps others sometimes feel a kind of unease/uncertainty about family members they care about?

But if the couple surmount these challenges - as many do - and love being parents and everybody thrives, that will be wonderful!

OP posts: