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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.... to think my relative may find it hard to be a first-time Mum?

113 replies

Plurabelle · 05/12/2019 10:31

Someone in my family is expecting her first baby in May.

Her husband is very ambitious and work long hours - 50-60 hours a week is the norm and sometimes more. Frequently away from home overnight and there's also an expectation to take part in work-related socialising. (Team bonding weekends away in European cities.)

Her own job is also demanding. Certainly 50 hours a week and very full-on. But term time only.

They have a pleasant flat and are financially fairly secure, though the husband is ambitious for them to get 'on the next level' ie buy their own flat. He is very, very work-focused and just cannot switch off from this - other than when taking holidays/playing sport.

Their lifestyle means that although they have many friends, few of them are local and the ones who are in couples, mostly haven't had children yet.

My relative's mother lives 300 miles away and has major health problems. His parents live a bit closer - but it's 120 miles. A good few hours by car.

Both parents-to-be are excited about the baby. The current plan is for the baby to go in full-time childcare once my relative has finished maternity leave.

My sense is that things are going to be very tough for her, though as her job is demanding, her partner is likely to be absent for much of the time and at present she has no close friends nearby.

Is that 'just how things are now?' - I am an older Mumsnetter. Or would most of you anticipate that things might get quite tricky?

OP posts:
Original poster
Plurabelle · 05/12/2019 13:15

Well, it's good to hear about people's individual solutions.

It is just that - very individual.

Perhaps people shouldn't be misled by the phrase 'comfortable'. It's comfortable by my standards and indeed by the standards of many people.

But I'm not quite sure where the au pair and the nanny will go in the 2 bedroom flat - it'll be a bit of a squeeze.

And though they're both full-time earners if one of those jobs is in education - not hugely well-paid given the challenging nature of the work - I suppose that money diminishes once you factor in childcare costs in a very expensive city.

OP posts:
Aridane · 05/12/2019 13:15

People who are used to high-powered jobs, keeping lots of balls in the air, are often better at coping with difficult situations than someone who thinks of nothing but the impending baby, reads nothing but baby books and had no other topic of conversation

@tillytrotter1 - that has been my experience too (plus having money makes life easier).

One friend at work kept full time nanny and full time child care on throughout 3rd maternity leave (taking care of pre-siting 2 children) and had a blast during her maternity leave. Another had x2 nannies - life becomes easier when you have money to throw at it.

@Simkin - we all have different experiences. Mine happens to accord with @tillytrotter

MondayTuesdayWednesday · 05/12/2019 13:16

Sounds like a normal situation.

I don't know anyone who lives near their parents or has parents to help out with childcare. People just pay for childcare be that nursery, childminder, nanny etc. If they both have good jobs then your relative should be able to do this too.

You make it work when you have to. I would find it more unusual how many people on mumsnet seem post about being unable to cope with children without having family to help out but for many it is the norm not to have family close by.

Aridane · 05/12/2019 13:16

[pre-siting = pre-existing ]

Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 05/12/2019 13:16

Doesn't sound too dissimilar to many people’s situations. What is your point?

myduckiscooked · 05/12/2019 13:21

I would say I was in a very similar situation to your relative OP and yes it was difficult. We have made significant lifestyle changes over the years and now we are a lot more comfortable both in time and money and have a good work life balance. There is still some scope for improvement though.

I suspect your relative will make adjustments as the need arises. It has come for us out of necessity as it tends to do, what is that saying about “necessity being the mother of all invention”.

Simkin · 05/12/2019 13:22

@Simkin - we all have different experiences.

Yes. That's what I said.

lanthanum · 05/12/2019 13:23

The thing you can do to help is to encourage her to use her maternity leave to get to know other mums - go to all the pre-school groups she can, and form some good friendships. That can take a bit of perseverance, if lots of them already know each other, but it's well worth doing.

When maternity leave ends, she should try to keep up with the friendships, eg meet up with them at weekends - those will be her child's future classmates.

Lots of people don't have many local friends before the baby arrives - people get into their cars, drive off to work, and rarely speak to neighbours. We moved just as DD was born, and so knew nobody - but once you're pushing a pram around and going to baby/toddler groups, that soon changes.

Aridane · 05/12/2019 13:27

No, @Simkin - you pretty much poo pooed what @tillytrotter1 was saying!

Whattodoabout · 05/12/2019 13:29

Everyone is different, she may cope and be absolutely fine with this. I know I wouldn’t be but I don’t think I could marry a man with such a demanding job.

Bourbonbiccy · 05/12/2019 13:30

People in my family thought the same about me and my career, I worked long stressful hours and loved it. My hubby worked long hours, he has reduced them slightly but still does 60 or so. To add to it i was not maternal in the slightest.

Since having my son I have changed massively and I could not imagine my life differently now.

I think as others have just ensure you are there for support if she needs it, she may surprised you GrinGrin

Spidey66 · 05/12/2019 13:30

Slightly off topic, but I find your description as ''my relative'' odd, but that might just be me. I'd say my daughter/sister/niece/cousin.

Longtalljosie · 05/12/2019 13:32

Do encourage her to do NCT if you can - not necessarily for the classes, for the support network. One of my NCT friends and I did all the “local support” stuff for each other when the kids were young...

53rdWay · 05/12/2019 13:33

Presume OP wants to stay vague about which relative it is.

Simkin · 05/12/2019 13:37

No @Aridane I said that had not been my observation - and it hasn't. Should I have lied? I then said 'it doesn't do to generalise' but maybe you couldn't be arsed to read that far?

andpancakesforbreakfast · 05/12/2019 13:44

Slightly off topic, but I find your description as ''my relative'' odd

On MN it's wise - as the replies tend to change a lot if you are talking as a male or female poster, or if you are talking about your daughter, sister or daughter-in-law...

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 05/12/2019 13:47

Well, I knew noone with a baby in this town, and moved at 8 months pregnant with DC1.

This is what NCT classes and 'mother and baby' groups/classes are for.

Strongly suggest she and her DH goes to NCT classes, she'll straight away meet 5/6 woman who'll have babies born within a month of hers. Having local friends with DCs already aren't as helpful as many will have DCs at different stages and not want to be going to baby groups etc. Mothers and MILs can be a great source of support, but equally can be more of a bother when they visit. From my 'mum friends' (NCT and those made from baby groups), only 2 grew up in this town (and one of those sadly lost her mother at a young age so didn't ahve the support). It's pretty normal to be starting from scratch when you have a baby, but to have a wide network by the time the baby is 1.

I would expect she'll go back full time to get the mortgage in place on both wages before going part time if they don't move before the baby arrives. (It's harder to get a good mortgage deal on maternity leave).

The best piece of advice I can give you is to be completely 100% supportive of her working full time if that's what she wants to do. Say things like "I'm sure you'll make it work". (Although perhaps suggest she looks at nurseries really early as good ones can get booked up a year in advance, or that CMer are more likely to offer a term time only contract)

If you make a big deal of how hard it will be for her to leave her baby (but you know, piece of piss for dad to leave baby), or how she'll struggle - it'll make it harder for her to talk to you.

Surfskatefamily · 05/12/2019 14:15

It's not really any of your business, sounds like your judging their setup before they've even had the baby.

I'd imagine they have their plan, and can change it if feelings change along the way. It's always hard one way or another

Dontdisturbmenow · 05/12/2019 14:20

That was exactly how it was for me after I had both my kids. Yep, hard it was, but I made it, it made me resilient to adversity and my kids have grown up to be wonderful young adults and Oh and I are in a very good position now and will be able to retire 10/15 years early. It was definitely worth it.

behindthescenes · 05/12/2019 14:26

Well lots of people are saying it’ll be fine and it probably will be, but I was a senior(ish) teacher married to a long hours working city type when I had our first, with no family help at all, in a little London flat and frankly it was really tough. We didn’t have as much money as our friends who were both city professionals so I couldn’t just employ a nanny/au pair, I had no family support and a husband who was out of the house 7am-8pm minimum and worked most evenings/weekends even if he did come home. I had to be entirely responsible for all childcare management and although teaching is great in the holidays there is absolutely zero flexibility so I was always frantically finding emergency nannies if the childminder was off/wouldn’t have sick child and dashing to work with seconds to spare. I would have loved family help in the form of babysitting, or offering to cook etc, but probably wouldn’t have loved someone gloomily telling me it was going to be a disaster before the baby had even arrived. And it worked out ok, I massively cut my hours and responsibility, money got a bit easier as DH got more senior and it can’t have been that awful as we have 3 kids now and are all fairly cheerful. But yes, long hours husband plus teaching (if that’s what she does) is complicated I think. You can make it work if husband is willing to be the one who does the morning drop off and daytime kid stuff - otherwise they’ll never have anyone at their shows/sports days etc and getting to school for teachers is a bit of a nightmare if you’ve got to drop at childcare first as so few open early enough.

Original poster
Plurabelle · 05/12/2019 15:05

I think that's useful info re teaching behindthescenes. I think I was just trying to get a picture - as someone whose own experience of having young children more than 20 years ago was different - of what parents of babies are doing. (Both childcare and housing costs were lower.)

I really have been very good at communicating enthusiasm about the arrival of the baby. (This is more the shadow side - the things I can't and won't say to her, but which are lurking about for me somewhere.)

She does get very tired in her job as it is, because she's something of a perfectionist and gives it 100%, if not more.

I read quite a lot about how some teachers find it incredibly hard to juggle their workload with family life. As well as the demands of a constantly changing educational policy, the fact that teachers seem to be asked to cope with more and more social problems, that TAs and funds are drying up.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 05/12/2019 15:22

I think it's pretty disappointing if her husband is just going to carry on with his workaholic jetsetting lifestyle and not adapt at all in order to support his wife and their new baby.
But nobody can predict that he will. I've known a lot of guys who realised work wasnt the be all and end all when they had kids, I remember a friend of mine saying hed never ever left at 5 before he had a baby and then after that he did the absolute minimum he had to. What's the story-this is the third thread I've seen today with people assuming when someone else has a baby their world will fall apart. Before I had my first child I didn't even know I wanted children, now I have 4 and they're my everything. You can't predict anything, you can just let them get on with it and say yes if they ask for help

user1471523870 · 05/12/2019 15:35

I am in that situation and cope. Both of us work long hours in very high pressure jobs. We are lucky enough to have high salaries so we can afford a full time nursery for our baby.
Not easy to manage everything as we have no family nearby and all our friends either work or have their families to look after. However, with a good level of organization, it can be done.

I am not saying it's easy or that I don't miss my baby dearly during working hours. There are days we need to work from home as baby is unwell, nights we take turns at going to the baby if he wakes up, routine is basically zero time and we are constantly tired. But we love our jobs, our son, our life. It can only get better!

Nonnymum · 05/12/2019 15:41

I have a view that is probably not popular on here but I think you have to make choices. If you decide to have children one of the parents has to put their ambitions on hold for a while and put the child before their career. I'm not saying one of them has to be SAHPs but I do think both parents working 50 plus hours a week is not in the child's best interests.

CSIblonde · 05/12/2019 15:55

They'll adapt. And money is handy for cleaners & childcare to lighten the load. I know plenty of high flying couples who managed fine. They're usually good at delegating & organisation if they're management, both of which help hugely with the new baby whirlwind. As a PA I've been asked to research christening venues, nurseries, baby groups, laminate school drawings to send to overseas Grannies etc. I never minded, i had great, generous bosses (usually gifted v expensive chocs for my research) & they had work from home days & and flexi time hours which helped.