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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To confront married male friend over his behaviour towards me?

123 replies

TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 22:24

I’m probably being unreasonable. It’s most likely 50% my fault.

I met a guy at work about 1.5 years ago. We got on ridiculously well. We worked on a big project together so lots of long evenings and weekends together. We’re both married and I was experiencing some relationship problems at the time we met.

Basically he lovebombed me. Made me feel like the most beautiful, most interesting woman in the world. We had a lot of common interests and it genuinely felt like I had met my soulmate.

He kept telling me how much he hates cheating. How important ‘family’ is, but he totally seduced me emotionally. We never kissed but he got me to reveal the most intimate things about myself.

When he left my company we decided to keep in touch and have been in contact every 2-3 days for the past year. We have met up with our families.

I just don’t get it. Why does he want me in his life, with all that prolonged eye contact, love bombing, etc, but keep me at arms length. It’s like he wants me but won’t have me. I don’t think this is just him being a loyal husband because he hasn’t been a good husband. He’s told me things that his wife would be heartbroken to hear.

I’ve had enough of it now. I feel like he’s acting like I’m not good enough for him yet he still wants to creep around having secret phone calls with me.

Should I call him out on it? Is this just a particular type of guy that I haven’t encountered or heard of before? Is this a thing: stringing a woman along for months? Throwing me just enough crumbs?

Can anyone shed any light please?

OP posts:
Original poster
TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 22:25

I will add that I suspect that I have been incredibly naive in this. I opened myself up to him as a friend and I feel like he’s been playing me for a fool.

OP posts:
afterme · 04/12/2019 22:27

I wouldn’t confront him. I would just back off until you don’t have any contact with him at all.

apacketofcrisps · 04/12/2019 22:27

Where’s YOUR husband in all this?

Original poster
TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 22:30

My husband is still around. We still have problems. We had counselling after he cheated on me but it hasn’t helped much. Now I’m having individual counselling, which is useful but early days.

OP posts:
GreytExpectations · 04/12/2019 22:32

Did he actually "love bomb" you or are you just flattering yourself? Hmm

Clearly this is going into more than a friend territory and you need to end it before you hurt your husband.

AnyFucker · 04/12/2019 22:34

Have you told your counsellor about the affair you are having with a married man ?

cinders15 · 04/12/2019 22:35

I would be very, very careful with this man
He appears to have power over you
Try to lessen contact slowly
I feel confronting him after this time would be a bit dangerous

Original poster
TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 22:39

Did he actually "love bomb" you or are you just flattering yourself?
Maybe lovebomb isn’t the word? He was full of compliments for my work, personality and appearance. He also told me that I had an exceptional talent in a particular hobby which, in retrospect, I feel was an exaggeration on his part. But maybe you’re right and I was hoping to hear these things.

OP posts:
Original poster
TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 22:39

Have you told your counsellor about the affair you are having with a married man?
I have told the therapist about him, yes.

OP posts:
Original poster
TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 22:42

I feel confronting him after this time would be a bit dangerous
Physically? I don’t think he’s remotely physically aggressive.
I am scared though. Sometimes when I think about the whole situation I get a bit spooked, like he’s a malevolent presence. I feel like he has an emotional hold over me which I really don’t want to be the case.

OP posts:
Original poster
TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 22:44

Is this a thing though? Guy leads woman on until she’s hooked but he has no intention of ever following through? Why do that? What’s the point? An exercise in self restraint?

OP posts:
Yeahnahyeah1 · 04/12/2019 22:44

Yeeea no. Don’t start with the ‘I’m so naive, he’s just a friend’ stuff, you know it was (still is?) an emotional affair and he likes the attention. You need to be honest with yourself here, and stop giving this headspace. No confrontation, no argument, no dramatics, just get him blocked.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/12/2019 22:45

We never kissed but he got me to reveal the most intimate things about myself.

He didn't make you do anything. You shared that information freely. Don't blame him for your own indiscretions.

Merryoldgoat · 04/12/2019 22:45

Ditch the cheat, stay away from the other man and spend some time alone.

You will never feel good about yourself whilst you’re in your current situation. Move on properly.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 04/12/2019 22:45

It's definitely 50% your fault, OP. You both decided to have an emotional affair and you have both decided to carry that on under the guise of friendship. I'm not sure what you'd be calling him out on that he couldn't call you out on.

Original poster
TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 22:46

I’m not naive about the friendship. I think I was naive because I fell straight into this. Like I was ripe for the picking. I know that I am very much to blame.

OP posts:
hushnowthanks · 04/12/2019 22:47

He’s a MARRIED MAN.

Back. The. fuck. Away.

Even if your marriage breaks down, even if your ‘friend’ leaves his wife for you, you will never be able to trust him because he is capable of infidelity. He has shown you who he really is - please listen to him.

rosamacrose · 04/12/2019 22:47

It’s like he wants me but won’t have me.
He has a use for you.
To boost his ego.
I’ve had enough of it now.
There you have it. Back away, he sounds like bad news.

Original poster
TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 22:48

The difference is that I would have been open to something happening with him. He is very against something happening yet wants a very intimate and probably inappropriate friendship with me. That’s the bit I don’t understand.

OP posts:
Original poster
TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 22:49

He has shown you who he really is - please listen to him.
He just tells me how anti cheating he is!

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 04/12/2019 22:49

"I feel like he’s acting like I’m not good enough for him yet he still wants to creep around having secret phone calls with me. "

So you want him then?
Focus on your own marriage and stay away from him.

Atalune · 04/12/2019 22:49

He’s gross.

Block him.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 04/12/2019 22:49

Of course he does, it’s an ego boost, having you panting after him, while his wife warms his bed at home.

Thehop · 04/12/2019 22:50

You need to distance yourself quickly from your relationship with this man. No good can come of it.

Stick with your counselling and use a clear head to decide what you want to happen with your marriage.

Original poster
TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 22:50

I suppose I have just been an ego boost to him but doesn’t he have any scruples? It’s like he wanted me to completely fall for him with no intention of reciprocating. That seems really cruel..!?

OP posts:
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