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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To confront married male friend over his behaviour towards me?

123 replies

TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 22:24

I’m probably being unreasonable. It’s most likely 50% my fault.

I met a guy at work about 1.5 years ago. We got on ridiculously well. We worked on a big project together so lots of long evenings and weekends together. We’re both married and I was experiencing some relationship problems at the time we met.

Basically he lovebombed me. Made me feel like the most beautiful, most interesting woman in the world. We had a lot of common interests and it genuinely felt like I had met my soulmate.

He kept telling me how much he hates cheating. How important ‘family’ is, but he totally seduced me emotionally. We never kissed but he got me to reveal the most intimate things about myself.

When he left my company we decided to keep in touch and have been in contact every 2-3 days for the past year. We have met up with our families.

I just don’t get it. Why does he want me in his life, with all that prolonged eye contact, love bombing, etc, but keep me at arms length. It’s like he wants me but won’t have me. I don’t think this is just him being a loyal husband because he hasn’t been a good husband. He’s told me things that his wife would be heartbroken to hear.

I’ve had enough of it now. I feel like he’s acting like I’m not good enough for him yet he still wants to creep around having secret phone calls with me.

Should I call him out on it? Is this just a particular type of guy that I haven’t encountered or heard of before? Is this a thing: stringing a woman along for months? Throwing me just enough crumbs?

Can anyone shed any light please?

OP posts:
PlasticPatty · 04/12/2019 22:51

Guy leads woman on until she’s hooked but he has no intention of ever following through? Why do that?
For fun. As an ego-boost. Because he can. The ones that do that will do it to as many women as they can, to feel powerful.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 04/12/2019 22:51

Well, that’s exactly what he’s done, so cruel he may be. Full of shit too re the ‘ooooh I hate cheating’ spiel.. actions speak louder than words, and he’s very much shown you who he is.

Original poster
TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 22:52

Thanks PlasticPatty. It’s depressing to think that people would just be motivated by boosting their ego.

OP posts:
Thestrangestthing · 04/12/2019 22:52

Well I think you should just grow the fuck up to be perfectly honest.

MadamBatty · 04/12/2019 22:52

Shown you, not told you. His words don’t match his actions.

Original poster
TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 22:54

Also he insisted on bringing his wife along when we met up despite me saying that I didn’t want to and I would find it difficult. What’s that all about?

OP posts:
rosamacrose · 04/12/2019 22:54

That seems really cruel..!?
Well it is cruel.
He has a use for you.
Dont be that. You've been used.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 04/12/2019 22:55

He literally does not give a shit about your feelings and apparently enjoys the drama. Simple.

Original poster
TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 22:55

I do feel used.

OP posts:
Original poster
TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 22:56

He literally does not give a shit about your feelings
You’re right. He railroads me into always doing things his way.

OP posts:
Mydogmylife · 04/12/2019 22:56

He may tell you how anti cheating he is, but that's a lie isn't it? He may not be having a physical affair ( with you) but it's definitely an emotional one. You say your husband cheated, but be honest , so are you now. I think you need some time to yourself, and work out what you want , you fell so easily for the flattery etc, perhaps you need to work on self esteem .good luck.

Zofloramummy · 04/12/2019 22:56

How much time do you spend thinking about him? How much emotional energy is going his way? Are the texts from him the ones that make you smile and have a laugh? Do you feel like he totally gets you and you have an insane connection?

It’s an emotional affair. The reality of him is the same as any other man, he will have annoying habits and boring traits. But right now he makes you feel special and distracts you from the lack of connection at home because of your husbands cheating.

hushnowthanks · 04/12/2019 22:56

But he has SHOWN you, op. Actions vs words.

Also: he hasn’t been a good husband. He’s told me things that his wife would be heartbroken to hear.

Don’t be naive.

Original poster
TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 22:57

Is it an emotional affair if neither one of us has expressed how we feel?

OP posts:
NorthEndGal · 04/12/2019 22:57

Ffs, grow up.
He has told you he isn't into cheating.
You have your own marriage to deal with

turkeyontheplate · 04/12/2019 22:57

Sorry OP but this thread reeks of mentionitis.

Just stop it. Professional contact only when necessary, everything else stops dead.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 04/12/2019 22:57

Sack him off, block him. It’ll hurt to start with because you’ve been so intertwined but it’ll be good for you in the long run.

Original poster
TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 22:59

hushnowthanks are you saying he is a good husband?

OP posts:
Zofloramummy · 04/12/2019 22:59

Why is he doing it? Who knows, he could be hoping for a shag, enjoys an ego boost, or is bored at home and you are his entertainment.
Sounds harsh and I’m sorry, but if he was a genuinely faithful man he would not have pursued this contact with you and if he was your friend he wouldn’t be actively engaging with someone who would like a relationship with him.

Original poster
TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 23:00

We don’t work together so no need for any contact.

OP posts:
Yeahnahyeah1 · 04/12/2019 23:01

Mentionitis is accurate. OP stop yourself, you can analyse all you want, the bottom line is that he likes the attention but he doesn’t particularly like you, and he certainly doesn’t respect you. Try respecting yourself.

Zofloramummy · 04/12/2019 23:01

My advice is to break free and see how you feel about what you want out of life. You have to sort out your marriage and come to terms with the outcome of that, and find some happiness in yourself before you would be anywhere near ready for a relationship. When you are, avoid married men like the plague!

iano · 04/12/2019 23:01

Why does it matter why he had done this? You've decided you've had enough never mind him

Original poster
TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 23:02

Sounds harsh and I’m sorry, but if he was a genuinely faithful man he would not have pursued this contact with you and if he was your friend he wouldn’t be actively engaging with someone who would like a relationship with him.
You’re totally right and I’m finding my anger. That’s why I’m thinking about confronting him. I want to know what he’s playing at.

OP posts:
johnnytightlips · 04/12/2019 23:03

Name change for this.
I was in this position, nothing sexual happened but it is very similar to your story. He was a narcissist who did this for his own ego, your man sounds the same. He will probably move on from saying he would never cheat... that is until he met you and so another cycle begins. Spare yourself the shit, nothing good will come out of this.
Run away now and don't look back.

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