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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To confront married male friend over his behaviour towards me?

123 replies

TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 22:24

I’m probably being unreasonable. It’s most likely 50% my fault.

I met a guy at work about 1.5 years ago. We got on ridiculously well. We worked on a big project together so lots of long evenings and weekends together. We’re both married and I was experiencing some relationship problems at the time we met.

Basically he lovebombed me. Made me feel like the most beautiful, most interesting woman in the world. We had a lot of common interests and it genuinely felt like I had met my soulmate.

He kept telling me how much he hates cheating. How important ‘family’ is, but he totally seduced me emotionally. We never kissed but he got me to reveal the most intimate things about myself.

When he left my company we decided to keep in touch and have been in contact every 2-3 days for the past year. We have met up with our families.

I just don’t get it. Why does he want me in his life, with all that prolonged eye contact, love bombing, etc, but keep me at arms length. It’s like he wants me but won’t have me. I don’t think this is just him being a loyal husband because he hasn’t been a good husband. He’s told me things that his wife would be heartbroken to hear.

I’ve had enough of it now. I feel like he’s acting like I’m not good enough for him yet he still wants to creep around having secret phone calls with me.

Should I call him out on it? Is this just a particular type of guy that I haven’t encountered or heard of before? Is this a thing: stringing a woman along for months? Throwing me just enough crumbs?

Can anyone shed any light please?

OP posts:

Happysummer2020 · 05/12/2019 06:49

He just tells me how anti cheating he is!

Yes he is cheating....emotionally. He's got you all riled up and primed for an affair hasn't he? That's cheating. You need to back off.

Hysteriawhenyourenear · 05/12/2019 06:50

Sounds very familiar, as mentioned by another poster. I also remember previous threads with joint hobbies etc. You are obviously too involved with somebody elses partner, you are not friends, you are having an emotional affair. Leave him be, he doesnt want you but you want to feel like he does.

dangerrabbit · 05/12/2019 06:50

My personal opinion is that you hope to confront him as it will bring out discussion of your feelings into the open, triggering a physical affair. I am thinking you are being disingenuous here with our true intentions. Possibly with yourself, certainly with others.

AnyFucker · 05/12/2019 06:56

but doesn’t he have any scruples?

His scruples are in the same fucked up place as yours

Original poster

TahliaFox · 05/12/2019 07:01

Thanks for all of your replies. I emailed him late last night and told him that I thought we should cut contact. I don’t think this is working for me anymore. I have blocked him.

I’m going to leave the thread now as I want to try to put him totally out of my mind and have a fresh start.

I appreciate everyone’s replies and you’re right it was half my fault.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 05/12/2019 07:03

Your own behaviour is 100% your fault

donotknowhownottomind · 05/12/2019 07:11

The difference is that I would have been open to something happening with him.

Sorry, I see that you have cut contact now, but the above really stood out to me. Why would you have been open to something happening with him - he’s married. He has a partner, doesn’t that count for anything?

FestiveFavourites · 05/12/2019 07:13

You told him you thought you should cut contact - be honest, you're hoping he will bombard you with declarations of love and lust. You should have simply said 'please don't contact me again' and left it at that.

If you're the same person who has posted about this man at work before, then you're in your 40s and should have enough life experience to know better.

You want him to leave his wife and run away with you, whereas he just wants his ego stroking and nothing else. You've been taken for a ride.

PurpleFlower1983 · 05/12/2019 07:14

He will never leave his wife. Move on.

AJPTaylor · 05/12/2019 07:15

He sounds like someone you do not need in your life.

EarringsandLipstick · 05/12/2019 07:19

I can't believe how much sympathy op is getting

Absolutely. OP I can't believe the victim act you're playing here. Forget about what this guy is like, you're openly admitting you'd have been happy to take it further. What about your husband and your relationship?

The way you are behaving is 100% your own fault, and immature & selfish to boot.

I see you've cut off contact now. Keep it that way & do some serious thinking about your marriage.

Ginger1982 · 05/12/2019 07:38

Grow up. Seriously. And stop posting threads about the same old nonsense.

pinkdelight · 05/12/2019 07:58

Well done for taking decisive action. But don't let it end there. Just look at how you've framed all this - he made me..., he got me to..., he railroaded me..., I was naive, lovebombed etc etc. And yet you're the one who actually wanted the affair to go somewhere. You need to amp up that counselling, be truly honest with yourself and start owning your decisions and actions, not giving all your power away to these messed up men. Good luck with it all.

PBo83 · 05/12/2019 08:00

Only skimmed the thread but it sounds like you are both as bad as each other.

You got involved in an emotional affair with this guy (wrong on both of your parts) now you're playing the 'victim' and trying to blame him for everything.

FoxOnABox · 05/12/2019 08:03

The reason he keeps saying how anti cheating he is is so that when a line is crossed he can say it was all your fault.

You tempted him, forced him into it, wouldn't leave him alone. He will take no responsibility at all for his own behaviour. It will all be your fault.

It's great that you have blocked him. Don't go back on your decision.

ThinkIamflyingundertheradar · 05/12/2019 08:04

To me it reads as if he wants the ego boost and excitement of a close personal friendship with you that titillates him but sticks to his personal boundaries around not not cheating (however blurred those might seem to us). You OTOH, want a full blown affair (perhaps as revenge for your DH’s affair) but want to convince yourself you are the innocent party who was seduced and coerced into it. He started the process but it hasn’t panned out the way you hoped and you are now pissed off at him.

Be married, don’t be married, have affairs or don’t, they are your choices but it’s very unreasonable to get annoyed with another married person for keeping you at arms length.

Thestrangestthing · 05/12/2019 08:11

. I don’t think this is working for me anymore. I have blocked him.

Fucking hell, if you were a man you would have been ripped limb from limb on here in the first page.
Stop looking to have an affair and just leave your husband. You sound pathetic!

CaMePlaitPas · 05/12/2019 08:25

The man's a controlling creep and is probably doing this to several women at the same time. Move on, I know your husband cheated on you but two wrongs don't make a right. If you're unhappy divorce him and spend some time building up your self confidence and esteem.

wishywashy6 · 05/12/2019 08:39

Yes there's an abundance of men (and probably women) like this. Why do they do it? Attention, ego boost, self esteem issues, boredom, because they can, all of the above.
Wouldn't call him out on it, I'd just delete and block him on everything and focus on your marriage. If that's what you want to do.

OldEvilOwl · 05/12/2019 08:41

It doesn't matter why he did it. Take control back and move on. Well done for blocking him, maybe you will be able to see it clearer after putting some distance between you. Don't be tempted to get in contact again, this man could have ruined your marriage

ReanimatedSGB · 05/12/2019 09:05

Your marriage doesn't sound like it's doing you much good and you might be better off out of it. But a manipulative, dishonest, woman-hating prick is not a good escape plan.

I remember a man I once met: he was on the fringes of a group of friends I had at the time. On a couple of occasions, he sought me out for long rants about how there must be something 'wrong' with me and I must be very unhappy, because I am not monogamous and I like casual sex. He was very fond of talking about his own important moral code. Later on, when he'd had a few more drinks, he started hitting on me despite the fact that he was dating someone else.
Luckily I thought he was a rancid little ferret and just laughed at him.
Some time down the line, he had moved in with the woman he was dating, emptied her bank account and fucked off with another woman.
Never trust men who go on and on about their own sexual moral superiority. they are always manipulative, self-obsessed fannyrats.

user1471449295 · 05/12/2019 09:08

You’re just as much at fair and to blame as he is. So if you have an issue with him, you should really have a word with yourself too.
Back the fuck off

dottiedodah · 05/12/2019 09:14

If you are unhappy in your own marriage ,then this man will seem attractive to you Im afraid.He is obviously attracted to you too ,and gets off on the fact that he knows you fancy him, and plays up to it without getting involved physically with you .He can pretend hes not "having an affair" but he is(emotionally )! If your husband has cheated on you are feeling vulnerable as well and lapping up attention .Maybe you should back off from this chap ATM ,and see if you and DH can repair your marriage or separate for a while .While the OM is about you are conflicted ,It may be time to see if you can go it alone ,and maybe look for a new partner as it seems this is a 3 way triangle which is going nowhere fast!

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