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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To confront married male friend over his behaviour towards me?

123 replies

TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 22:24

I’m probably being unreasonable. It’s most likely 50% my fault.

I met a guy at work about 1.5 years ago. We got on ridiculously well. We worked on a big project together so lots of long evenings and weekends together. We’re both married and I was experiencing some relationship problems at the time we met.

Basically he lovebombed me. Made me feel like the most beautiful, most interesting woman in the world. We had a lot of common interests and it genuinely felt like I had met my soulmate.

He kept telling me how much he hates cheating. How important ‘family’ is, but he totally seduced me emotionally. We never kissed but he got me to reveal the most intimate things about myself.

When he left my company we decided to keep in touch and have been in contact every 2-3 days for the past year. We have met up with our families.

I just don’t get it. Why does he want me in his life, with all that prolonged eye contact, love bombing, etc, but keep me at arms length. It’s like he wants me but won’t have me. I don’t think this is just him being a loyal husband because he hasn’t been a good husband. He’s told me things that his wife would be heartbroken to hear.

I’ve had enough of it now. I feel like he’s acting like I’m not good enough for him yet he still wants to creep around having secret phone calls with me.

Should I call him out on it? Is this just a particular type of guy that I haven’t encountered or heard of before? Is this a thing: stringing a woman along for months? Throwing me just enough crumbs?

Can anyone shed any light please?

OP posts:

Original poster

TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 23:03

He doesn’t respect me. I think he disrespects women in general.

OP posts:

Mydogmylife · 04/12/2019 23:03

is it an emotional affair.......

Good grief, how old are you , five ??????? Grow up and have a hard look at yourself. Cosy chats when he confides things that would leave his wife heartbroken etc.

morriseysquif · 04/12/2019 23:04

I've been there, you are his ego boost, emotional crutch, without the guilt of a shag. He will need the contact as you will, it is addictive in the face of the boredom /difficulties of your current relationship.

I called mine on it (I was single, he was not) and ended it.
It was so hard, but had to be done. Just do it.

hushnowthanks · 04/12/2019 23:05

Dear lord, no @TahliaFox. If he was my husband I’d push him in front of a bus.

What I was trying to clarify was whether he had cheated before. What has he done that is so terrible his wife would be devastated were she to know?

Original poster

TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 23:05

Thanks johnnytightlips. How did your situation turn out? What happened? Did you ever have an open discussion about it?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 04/12/2019 23:06

Tell your husband and his wife. That should satisfy your need for the dramaz.

Daphne65 · 04/12/2019 23:07

You sound very self absorbed and navel gazing... If there was any real feelings between u things would have developed by now, given the intense and regular contact. Give it up and move on

Original poster

TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 23:09

What I was trying to clarify was whether he had cheated before.
I very much doubt it judging by how he goes on about how anti cheating he is and how disgusting people are who we know are cheating. He said he feels dirty talking about a mutual colleague who cheated. His stance on cheating, especially other people cheating, is really extreme. He gets very angry about it.

What has he done that is so terrible his wife would be devastated were she to know?
Just that he says he’s never loved anyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 23:10

If there was any real feelings between u things would have developed by now, given the intense and regular contact.
He keeps me at arms length. Maybe he has no real feelings.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 04/12/2019 23:11

He is cheating with you. Stop being obtuse.

Trustyourinnersatnav · 04/12/2019 23:11

This is all incredibly unfair on his wife, on those grounds alone this should be dropped especially since you have been on the receiving end of this behavior from your own husband. You could analyze his intentions, behaviors forever but will never get to the bottom of it. It isn't within your control. However, the way in which you choose to react is within your control. This isn't right. End of. Sounds like you need to heal after going through what you did with your husband, which must have been awful.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/12/2019 23:13

You chose to have an emotionally inappropriate relationship with another man. Stop making excuses.

Original poster

TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 23:13

AnyFucker, if I told him that I thought he had cheated with me he would be HORRIFIED.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 04/12/2019 23:15

I don't give a fuck what he thinks. He is cheating on his wife with you.

Perhaps you should seek her opinion on the matter ?

Aquamarine1029 · 04/12/2019 23:15

AnyFucker, if I told him that I thought he had cheated with me he would be HORRIFIED

Now that is funny! He knew exactly what he was doing. You were his ego fuck, and he loved every minute of it.

MistyCloud · 04/12/2019 23:15

AnyFucker · 04/12/2019 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Arborea · 04/12/2019 23:17

Men like that definitely exist, I've been in a similar not-quite-relationship with one. Thankfully there was no heartbreak when we drifted apart, and although it did get physical in my case, that only happened when we were both single, and I knew that we weren't really right for each other as a couple, so was able to disengage.

He was an utter shit to his other long term girlfriends during the periods when he was in relationships (and when I kept my hands to myself) and would often flirt/come on to other women after our 'thing' was over.

So yes OP, it's a 'type' although not one of the more common ones.

johnnytightlips · 04/12/2019 23:19

@tahliaFox My head was absolutely fried and I cut contact completely.
The thing was I saw him as a great friend more than anything else but when he was love bombing it was taking things to a whole different level.
After the love bombing phase ends, the shitty comments and selfish behaviour comes, then I realised that he was no friend.
I know someone who had this happen where the guy also followed this pattern as well as seeing it many times on here.
Don't waste anymore time, concentrate on yourself. You are probably low after your husband's affair, spare yourself from anything else.

Rombocious · 04/12/2019 23:22

While the guy is undoubtably bad news I can't believe how much sympathy op is getting. She'd said she wants to take this from an emotional affair to a physical one.

Cheating on a cheater is still cheating. And one of the most common phrases I see on this board is "once a cheater, always a cheater".

OP, my advice his fully cut this guy out of your life and then decide whether you wanna spend you life with your husband. Don't let that decision take years and don't look for new guys til you ditch your current one (and ideally stay single for awhile).

Hippee · 04/12/2019 23:26

I had a really similar relationship when I was single and he was single. Three months of intense romantic attention ... but we never even kissed. Bizarre. Still don't understand it.

MerchantOfVenom · 04/12/2019 23:28

Mumsnet is home to some of the most disingenuous people I've encountered. But you, OP, take the biscuit.

I'm embarrassed for you. For the whole shiz with the married man 🙄 But much more so for the way you're carrying on on this thread.

For the love of God, stop.

user764329056 · 04/12/2019 23:31

He’s just a head fuck and using you to feed his ego, leave with dignity, he knows he’s pulling the strings and he’s loving it, find your self respect and blank him

Mydogmylife · 04/12/2019 23:31

Honestly, I cannot understand how you don't see that what you are doing with this man IS cheating no matter how he tries to justify himself. You also are a cheat, so I'm afraid you've lost any moral high ground there! I'm sorry I just don't buy this disingenuous act from either you or him at all.

rosamacrose · 04/12/2019 23:34

MerchantOfVenom
Well said.
Going to stop giving this thread oxygen now.
OP. Do the same

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