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Original poster

To confront married male friend over his behaviour towards me?

123 replies

TahliaFox · 04/12/2019 22:24

I’m probably being unreasonable. It’s most likely 50% my fault.

I met a guy at work about 1.5 years ago. We got on ridiculously well. We worked on a big project together so lots of long evenings and weekends together. We’re both married and I was experiencing some relationship problems at the time we met.

Basically he lovebombed me. Made me feel like the most beautiful, most interesting woman in the world. We had a lot of common interests and it genuinely felt like I had met my soulmate.

He kept telling me how much he hates cheating. How important ‘family’ is, but he totally seduced me emotionally. We never kissed but he got me to reveal the most intimate things about myself.

When he left my company we decided to keep in touch and have been in contact every 2-3 days for the past year. We have met up with our families.

I just don’t get it. Why does he want me in his life, with all that prolonged eye contact, love bombing, etc, but keep me at arms length. It’s like he wants me but won’t have me. I don’t think this is just him being a loyal husband because he hasn’t been a good husband. He’s told me things that his wife would be heartbroken to hear.

I’ve had enough of it now. I feel like he’s acting like I’m not good enough for him yet he still wants to creep around having secret phone calls with me.

Should I call him out on it? Is this just a particular type of guy that I haven’t encountered or heard of before? Is this a thing: stringing a woman along for months? Throwing me just enough crumbs?

Can anyone shed any light please?

OP posts:
Andysbestadventure · 04/12/2019 23:34

Send a message asking him not to contact you anymore. You are no longer comfortable with your friendship. Then block and delete.

Mydogmylife · 04/12/2019 23:34

@Rombocious

Totally agree! Op is behaving badly, knows it and is trying to make herself feel better

shouldhavecalleditoatabix · 04/12/2019 23:36

I swear I read this exact thread 2 months ago. Maybe they all blur into one? I even remember the hobby thing and the wife coming on -your- their dates so it doesn't look like -you're- they're cheating. Only last time -you- the previous poster was saying they were single. Sorry I just don't buy this is genuine.... Hmm

Rachie1973 · 04/12/2019 23:41

I wonder if he brings his wife along to keep the ‘stalker’ lady at arms length. I’m sure if you told his wife about your cosy chats she’d claim she knows, as he’s probably told her all about you on his own terms. Just in case!

I think you need to stop. The thread screams ‘I want to talk about him again’

Longfacenow · 04/12/2019 23:46

I think it's you with the issue OP

You are saying you are open to something happening and are pissed he won't physically cheat.

Your attempt at a revenge affair is going to hurt you, your marriage and his too.

Whathewhatnow · 04/12/2019 23:48

This other guy, he has been dishonest on very major issues. That is an immediate red card. Dont make excuses for him.

I think this other guy is your 'out'. He isn't the guy for you because he sounds very unkind and manipulative actually. But he is a sign that your head has been turned. Ditch the cheater. Find a better Male x

Ignore all those telling you you're the scarlet woman for entertaining another man in your circs. Its natural to.seek comfort elsewhere when the person who is supposed to be your lifelong person has thrown their side of the bargain x

IdblowJonSnow · 05/12/2019 00:03

It doesn't matter what his motives are, he's bad news.
I'd block him too. Sounds like it's been a distraction after what your DH did.
If you want to leave your husband you dont need an out.

ReanimatedSGB · 05/12/2019 00:03

Well, he's a woman-hating prick who is getting off on the fact that you are mooning after him, and he can tell himself that all women are in fact slags and that he is so irresistible that he can have any woman begging and wagging her tail within minutes, while still being able to believe he is a Faithful Virtuous Man.
I think you have been a bit of a mug here, but I also think you have been groomed and played by an expert misogynist.
Don't 'confront' him, though. It won't do you any good. He will shame you (and get a great deal of pleasure out of doing so because, misogyny, ego-tripping etc.) He'll insist that he was just being friendly, he will be 'disappointed' that you have misunderstood his incredible specialness and noble intentions (despite the fact that you being desperate to be his partner is exactly what he wanted from you.) Just distance yourself from him. Don't answer texts or emails; be too busy to engage with him.
And bear in mind that if we didn't live in a culture so fucking obsessed with couplehood and monogamy, dickheads like him couldn't upset so many people in the first place.

sacred92 · 05/12/2019 00:09

What did you think was going to happen OP? He was going to leave his wife and rescue you
From your marriage??? Oh he tells you things that his wife wouldn't like does he? Well he isn't going to lovebomb her in front of you is he? Actually he has been worse. He has PARADED her in front of you, he has no intentions of taking things to the next level and frankly I think you're disgusting and incredibly naive that you want him to. Whatever he says about his wife, don't believe it, because he's sleeping with her at night, not you.

MinTheMinx · 05/12/2019 00:22

It’s depressing to think that people would just be motivated by boosting their ego.

And yet they (and you) are. Time to grow up OP. Leave other people's husbands alone, however much you crave the attention.

DeeCeeCherry · 05/12/2019 00:22

You don't need to analyse him, he's someone else's husband not yours.

You are in therapy yet you're here wondering what this dickhead. may or may not think about you. If you want him that badly either your therapy is a waste of money or you need to open up to your therapist in honest fashion and work on your life from there.

Beveren · 05/12/2019 00:25

I feel confronting him after this time would be a bit dangerous
Physically? I don’t think he’s remotely physically aggressive.

He has a load of intimate information about you - that's what's dangerous. It's far better just to back off than to have a confrontation.

HelloIsitXmasTreeYoureLookingF · 05/12/2019 00:29

Unfortunately this thread doesn't come across well OP - you won't find any answers here as it's nothing you want to admit about your own behaviour.

H cheating must have been really painful but don't cheat in return. Guy is useless, step aside from him.

bumblingbovine49 · 05/12/2019 01:34

You are way too invested in this 'non relationship'.

It sounds like a distraction and a ' simpler, and more immediate problem than the issue of your marriage.

You are wasting all of your emotional energy on this and you are going to need it to deal with your marriage, one way or another.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 05/12/2019 04:27

I'd just block him and not give him any head space again. I know it's easier said than done, but he belongs to someone else. I wouldn't contact him to even explain. He will likely deny everything and claim you're just friends and everything is in your head. He will likely make you feel like you're crazy.

Yes, men like this do exist. They love having their ego massaged and have women lusting after them. He's not interested in you. Not one bit. You've been a game to him, and the likelihood is, he's done this before and will do again. Some men talk the talk but actions speak so much louder than words. He's just reeled off what he knows you've wanted to hear and has kept you close but at a distance so you're always on call to satisfy his needs. He's a narc. Ghost the idiot and get some self respect. You don't ever want to be the other woman.

As with your own husband, it sounds like you're not happy there either if you're out seeking validation from outside hour marriage? Especially if you were prepared to act on your feelings.

Either way, put yourself first, get some self respect and some confidence and erase that idiot man from your life. I guarantee you, before Easter comes you'll be well and truly over him.

JolieOBrien · 05/12/2019 04:32

@TahliaFox

I wouldn't give this kind of man any attention at all he sounds a right prick and I have met several in my life. One recently kissed my hand when he knows I am married as is he. I giving him a wide berth now.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 05/12/2019 04:32

Oh, forgot to add, some men who are married do this regularly because of the whole forbidden fruit thing. Probably why he always goes on and on about cheating being unacceptable...lures you in even more and suddenly he becomes irresistible because he's unobtainable. People usually want what they can't have, right? But he's been sneaky as he's given you the impression he's unobtainable and totally off limits, yet he's told you he's never loved anyone and has already given himself to you emotionally. Making you feel special and "Oooo perhaps he could love me, I could be his first love". He becomes a challenge. He takes over your mind. He's wrong however, he loves himself.

And I agree with a PP about how by you giving him head space, you've used it as a distraction from your own marriage. Escapism. You only get one life lady.....

JolieOBrien · 05/12/2019 04:33

I am giving I need a new keyboard this one keeps sticking ... I am hoping Father Christmas will bring me one Xmas Wink

EleanorShellstrop100 · 05/12/2019 05:31

It sounds like you are having an emotional affair for which you are BOTH responsible and you are trying to push the blame onto him because you’re upset that he doesn’t want to take it further. The language you used is very much that you’re the victim of his behavior somehow when you are just as guilty as he is. Particularly didn’t like the part where you wrote that he’s said stuff that his wife would be heartbroken about ... and yet you’re happily engaging with him. His poor wife.

Ginger1982 · 05/12/2019 05:41

"I very much doubt it judging by how he goes on about how anti cheating he is and how disgusting people are who we know are cheating. He said he feels dirty talking about a mutual colleague who cheated. His stance on cheating, especially other people cheating, is really extreme. He gets very angry about it."

Wait...I recognise this. You've posted about this before under a different name with slightly different information haven't you 🙄

afterme · 05/12/2019 06:01

Yes I remember this story too with the anti-cheating stance and bringing his wife to meet you and you had a major crush on him. It’s time to call it off now.

Savingforarainyday · 05/12/2019 06:23

You want to confront him over the secret affair that you are happily participating in?

What will your argument be?
I've read most the thread, but not all.
Do YOU want things to get physical?

Trinighana · 05/12/2019 06:28

@TahliaFox

I suppose I have just been an ego boost to him but doesn’t he have any scruples? It’s like he wanted me to completely fall for him with no intention of reciprocating. That seems really cruel..!?
Are you for real what about your scruples?
Meeting up with his wife whilst wanting him to have an affair with you.

Windygate · 05/12/2019 06:38

Stop painting yourself as an innocent naive victim. You are having an EA with a married man.

namechange4052 · 05/12/2019 06:43

It's just a narcissist thing. He doesn't want to physically be unfaithful, but he likes you being laid open to him, the power of knowing your most private thoughts and feelings which means that he can use this information to act like a man that you would put on a pedestal (your husband cheated? He says he is the epitome of loyalty in marriage - etc), and he likes that you are a captivated audience in his little ego display. He gets to have all this intimacy with a woman other than his wife whilst still being able to feel virtuous. I wouldn't confront him, because he will brush the whole thing off as 'what on earth are you talking about, I've been nothing but platonic and you're reading too much into it' which will make you feel worse. He knows what he's doing, and I believe he probably 'collects' female friends who he plays out this scenario with one by one.