AIBU regarding wedding invite?

[Teapot77]

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I feel really hurt by this situation.

My DP and I got together in December 2018, his good friends who at the time were living in South Africa got engaged in February 2019 and I obviously hadn’t have met them prior the engagement. In March said couple returned to the UK for work and since then we have socialised with them most weekends and I have looked after their dog in several occasions and been out with the woman for dinner/drinks just the two of us.

Save the dates for the wedding were sent by email in April 2018 by this time I had met them several times - my partner received one a save the date. Last week we went out for dinner with 3 other couples including the engaged couple. After the starter the woman announced she would be handing out the wedding invites, couple A and B got an invite addressing both of them but my partners invite was just addressed to him. Everyone opened the invites whilst I sat feeling very uncomfortable. There has since been no explanation to me nor my partner about why I had not been invited. I don’t feel entitled to have an invite I feel excluded and hurt by the way the invites were distributed.

My partner is going on the Stag and has been involved in planning it. The wedding is in June 2020 in South Africa so the plan is for everyone to go for 10 days and make a holiday out of it too. This would therefore mean I miss out on a holiday with my partner as well as a holiday with the rest of the friendship group.

AIBU to feel really hurt the way the invites were distributed when I obviously didn’t get one? And to feel upset that I have not been invited at all?

I just got married and let a second cousin I’d only met once bring his girlfriend of less than a year because his dad casually asked it was ok. They are 21 and live in the town where I got married. Why did I do this? Because I wanted my guests to be happy and have a good time! I made sure her name was on the invitation, then greeted her by name at the wedding and told her how happy I was that she was there. And I meant it.

It’s rude AF to leave you out.

I feel bad for your DP though, too. They don’t always get it, and he sounds a bit like he didn’t imagine you’d be left out.

It’s just really weird and callous. You know who you are and aren’t inviting and if you’ve made a decisive decision like this you have to think about handling it and pretending there’s nothing to see is not normal!

The way they handed out the invitations know that you were not invited was extraordinarily thoughtless at best.

But, I can sort of understand why you are not invited to the wedding harsh as it is.

This is their day and at the point when they got engaged and started making wedding plans, you'd only been together a little while.

You aren't living together so at the moment, you're his girlfriend and they don't know if you're likely to still be together by the time the wedding comes around. I know that's true of all couples but I can see why a line has been drawn.

I get that you've been seeing them regularly in the last 6 months or so and that complicates things but they might have people who they are closer to or have known longer that they want there and it probably is just a numbers game.

I definitely wouldn't go on the trip, that would be so awkward and I wouldn't try to stop him from going.

TLDR In my opinion you should be expecting an invitation but you absolutely have a right to be very hurt and upset about the way this was done. They should have handed the invitations out at another time and I think one of them should have spoken to you both and explained why you weren't invited.

Op I know you have explained that your partner doesn't think it was malicious that you weren't invited but you've not really answered the question - "what did your partner think about the way they handed out the invites in front of you?"

Was he upset? Did he comfort you? Did he criticise them? Did he think their actions were rude? Or offer an explanation as to why they would publicly humiliate you?

I do agree with the possible reason of a non invite is that the OP is viewed as a girlfriend rather than a partner BUT considering the OP has been socialising regularly with the couple and also with the bride individually, not receiving an invite is pretty poor IMO.

I'd expect my partner to have my back.

If he goes then that's less money and holiday leave to spend with you.

The save the date thing is a red herring. It's just a heads up to keep the date free. It's not an actual invite or not.

Sorry I meant shouldn't not should in my final paragraph.

@Ash39 we were at a dinner, he was a bit shocked but didn't say anything at the time. I went to the toilet and burst into tears, he was texting me if I was ok came back to the table and carried on the dinner, then he asked how I felt when we got home. He believes the way they were handed out was rude but he says he thinks it's because all 'couples' were there (one couple lives abroad) and it was the simplest way to get the invites to everyone.

No postal service available abroad?

That’s very, very cruel. If they weren’t planning on inviting you then they should never have given out invites in front of you.

If I was in your DP shoes then there is no way I’d be going without you, I wouldn’t want to we are a team and I would think the way you’d been treated was kind or reasonable.

And actually your ‘D’P needs to be less wet about this, how can he not be furious on your behalf. I would seriously re-think the relationship if he doesn’t stick up for you over this. And honestly I’ll probably get flamed for this but I’d be asking him not to go.

@Justmuddlingalong I was a bit confused as to why they had to hand deliver all invites and not just post them. No idea if that's normal!!!

It's not normal to hand out like that. Very cruel. You need your partner's whole support on this one. Back off for now. So sorry you've been hurt badly x

Doesn't matter if you don't live together and it's been less than a year. They know you and they're asking your dp to travel and holiday without you which is rude and shitty.

Your dp is completely wet. I'd be evaluating my relationship with him too.

I'm really confused why people are expecting this bloke to miss the wedding of close friends because his girlfriend isn't invited. I think he should tell them what they did at the dinner was hurtful but that's it.

He should absolutely still go to the wedding.

Handing out the invites in front of you was rude. No getting away from that and I’m glad your partner agrees.
You missed the boat at the time to do the innocent ‘where’s mine?’ question.
It must have been obvious you’d been upset if you went to the bathroom straight after.... I’m so surprised they haven’t addressed it.
Let your partner ask about the plus one. If there isn’t one then I would grey rock the lot of them. No way would I be doing friendly Friday night drinks and dog sitting favours when they are so rude to your face like that.

He can't demand you are invited nor can you demand he doesn't go. I think it's likely the couple don't consider the relationship long enough/serious enough perhaps because you don't live together.,

However to hand out the invites in person &!exclude you was insensitive & rude! I also think they should have warned him in advance of the invites going out that you were not being invited & why.

I'm married & have been to numerous weddings, the norm is posted invites.

YANBU in general

But YABVU because it’s an invitation, not an “invite”! 😬🙈😂🤬

@Molly2010 I think it was pretty obvious I was upset, almost immediately after everyone had their invites I went to the toilet...

He's going to ask about the +1 before Friday so will let you all know the outcome. If the answer is no then I will be having as little to do with them as possible.

You seem to be ignoring all replies about your anger being misdirected, OP

Nobody wants to think badly of their partners, but he’s showing his true colours here and you ought to recognise that and listen, not bury your head in the sand.

Given your update with the other couple being there, it sounds more like they were just being thoughtless.

It’s understandable that they worked out their guest list and booked that venue pre meeting you and numbers were based on that.

It’s not understandable why they didn’t give either of you a heads up or the courtesy of explaining the situation.

I don’t think any of it is meant maliciously but it’s been an oversight.

I’d try not to hold a grudge but also know you are understandably entitled to feel upset.

(The 10 day holiday separate but doesn’t come into it for me at all I’m afraid)

@heartsonacake I know, it's difficult to read but trying to wrap my head around it and have a good think. Hoping I'll have a clearer head in the morning!

he thinks it's because all 'couples' were there (one couple lives abroad) and it was the simplest way to get the invites to everyone

He's just full of excuses for their shitty behaviour isn't he?

When we sent our wedding invites we used this innovative service called Royal Mail.

But then I suppose there's no pleasure in seeing the response of those who have been excluded by doing that.

It was pretty obvious you were upset and he sent you a text while you were in the loo. How caring and considerate.

What a bunch of twats - the friends and your boyfriend.

He "doesn't want to upset anyone". But he's ok with you being upset?

I think the biggest 'wrong' was handing out the invites in front of you when they knew you weren't invited. Such poor form. I hope your DP supports you over your exclusion.

It was really mean to give them out like that, I'd be looking at them in a new light.
How long have you two been together.
Are you younger by any chance.
I'd be extra annoyed that most people's holiday allowance is limited and they want dp to spend half/third apart from you, never mind the cost might mean no couple holiday.