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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU regarding wedding invite?

767 replies

Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 19:55

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I feel really hurt by this situation.

My DP and I got together in December 2018, his good friends who at the time were living in South Africa got engaged in February 2019 and I obviously hadn’t have met them prior the engagement. In March said couple returned to the UK for work and since then we have socialised with them most weekends and I have looked after their dog in several occasions and been out with the woman for dinner/drinks just the two of us.

Save the dates for the wedding were sent by email in April 2018 by this time I had met them several times - my partner received one a save the date. Last week we went out for dinner with 3 other couples including the engaged couple. After the starter the woman announced she would be handing out the wedding invites, couple A and B got an invite addressing both of them but my partners invite was just addressed to him. Everyone opened the invites whilst I sat feeling very uncomfortable. There has since been no explanation to me nor my partner about why I had not been invited. I don’t feel entitled to have an invite I feel excluded and hurt by the way the invites were distributed.

My partner is going on the Stag and has been involved in planning it. The wedding is in June 2020 in South Africa so the plan is for everyone to go for 10 days and make a holiday out of it too. This would therefore mean I miss out on a holiday with my partner as well as a holiday with the rest of the friendship group.

AIBU to feel really hurt the way the invites were distributed when I obviously didn’t get one? And to feel upset that I have not been invited at all?

OP posts:
FraglesRock · 04/12/2019 22:21

And yes dp should message them.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 04/12/2019 22:21

Think of this as a useful warning- this man will not stand up for you and he will be happy to see you hurt rather than upset other people. This may be weakness or it may be that he just doesn't care about you much, but this is not a good sign.

Andylion · 04/12/2019 22:26

DP thinks the timing is unfortunate as in they got engaged 4 months after we got together and therefore I didn't get an invite.

I don't think this, or the save-the-dates are relevant. The invitations are being sent out now.

I don't think they are necessarily BU if they think you are a new couple, but they are definitely being unkind, (at best) about handing out the invitations.

NorthEndGal · 04/12/2019 22:26

I can see why you were not invited, as youd only been together 4 months at that time, not living together, etc.
They way they handed out the invitations was super rude tho, not cool at all.

Original poster
Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 22:27

@FraglesRock I am younger than them yes by 5 years, bf is 3 years younger than them.

We've been together a year on Saturday.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 04/12/2019 22:29

I think they have been very unkind and thoughtless in how they handed them out. Good that your boyfriend is going to talk to them about it.

Original poster
Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 22:30

@Andylion I said this to DP, the save the dates were sent out in April the invites followed 7 months later... they had plenty of time to think about who they were inviting.

I wasn't really bothered initially about going and understand it's their wedding and they can invite who they want but I was hurt by 1. How they gave out the invites and 2. How they haven't even acknowledged I'm not invited to explain why etc.

OP posts:
FraglesRock · 04/12/2019 22:30

Addressing the not been together years.
They want your dp to go on holiday with other couples, leaving his possible plus one.
A, they give him a plus one and you go
B, plus one and you two break up, he takes someone else or no no one.
C, he goes alone?

Seems mean since it's such a destination wedding and big holiday. It's not an hour away where he'd be happy alone.

Tink88 · 04/12/2019 22:30

Yes I think you should be invited but also I think your boyfriend not being really bothered says more about his relationship with you

Andylion · 04/12/2019 22:30

I don’t think any of it is meant maliciously but it’s been an oversight.

But how could they not address the OP being upset and going off to the ladies' room if they were not being malicious?

Hillocrew · 04/12/2019 22:32

Shower of bastards the lot of them. Your dp included
What a bunch of rude, thoughtless, selfish, inconsiderate, belittling pack of mean fuckers.

Leflic · 04/12/2019 22:33

If I didn’t live with my boyfriend and we’re together less than a year then I wouldn’t expect to be invited frankly.
I did get together with my boyfriend and go to a wedding 6 months later and it was odd. Lots if their mutual friends commenting on our relationship ( nicely) but it felt pressured.
I’d book the trip to SA with him and if you are still together you may well get an invite.

I agree handing them in front of you was pretty rude.

JamieFrasersSassenach · 04/12/2019 22:35

YANBU to feel upset - the bride to be should have been polite enough to speak to you there and then with the reason for not inviting you - if it had been me I would have spoken to you before hand to give you the heads up and handed the invites out in a less obvious manner.

Your DP needs a rocket up his backside - or you need to seriously consider your future with him - he appears to not be too concerned about how you are feeling or how his friends have treated you.

I would be booking a girls holiday somewhere lovely while they are all in SA and I certainly would not be doing any more dog sitting!

I hope that this resolves itself in the best possible way for you @Teapot77 Flowers

LuckySeventhWave · 04/12/2019 22:37

You’re a new couple, your boyfriend has possibly been in talks with the engaged couple and they’ve all decided you shouldn’t go on the invite because your boyfriend isn’t that serious about you yet and wants to enjoy the time there without a girlfriend in tow.

Just ask the engaged couple outright why you haven’t been invited, but they may not say if they’ve been in cahoots with your new boyfriend.

TryingToBeBold · 04/12/2019 22:38

I think just clarification is needed

Nanny0gg · 04/12/2019 22:38

I'm sorry. They were beyond rude but your boyfriend (I've just demoted him) is behaving badly too.

And please, don't do them anymore favours and I'd be avoiding their company.

Your boyfriend can tell them why.

AutumnCrow · 04/12/2019 22:42

How in god's name could your DP sit there, watching you go off to the ladies, knowing you'd cried, knowing you'd been friends with them, knowing you'd kindly done dog sitting for them, and just sit there and accept his friends' utterly shitty behaviour towards you?

He sounds fucking useless and the couple are horrible.

Please don't waste precious time on these weird people. They're users.

Winterflower84 · 04/12/2019 22:46

I'd actually feel hurt by my DP first of all if he went ahead with that wedding. I'd expect him to check why I wasn't invited and not accept the invitation if I definitely wasn't.

Hillocrew · 04/12/2019 22:48

Your boyfriend is happy enough to go to SA for 10 days on his own with a bunch of couples... Let him get used to that right now, he can attend their drinks on Friday and any other gatherings on his lonesome.

I feel so annoyed for you. Especially crying at the meal and no one gave a shit

Josette77 · 04/12/2019 22:49

I think they were very rude to do this in front of you.

I don't think they are wrong to not invite you, nor do I think they owe you an explanation.

But they should apologize for being so callous.

katewhinesalot · 04/12/2019 22:51

I could understand it if they had only met you once or twice, but they have a relationship with you.

Derbee · 04/12/2019 22:52

Sorry, it’s a bit shit. But if someone I was in a relationship for a year with was trying to tell me not to go to my friends wedding, or fall out with them on their behalf, I absolutely wouldn’t.

It was shit the way they handed out the invites. But to go off to the toilet and cry must have made everyone feel awkward, your boyfriend included.

If you make him choose, be prepared for him to choose his friends.

CraftyYankee · 04/12/2019 22:52

Is DP this passive with regards to his own family? Doesn't bode well for future in law relations if he's this unable to stand up to friends!

timeisnotaline · 04/12/2019 22:52

I’d start talking about the holiday you are going on instead , at around the same time if not the same time.with friends not dp of course.
But I’d go on Friday. I’d not self select myself out of the group because of one couple. If the conversation came up I’d absolutely say I’m not invited, pretty disappointed tbh! No I wouldn’t dream of going on the holiday, it will be very wedding focussed and I’d be miserable.

Winterdaysarehere · 04/12/2019 22:53

Assuming all guests are paying all their own expenses it would not have killed them £wise to add you to the list even after the save the date stage.
TWATS.
And dp is a wet lettuce.

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