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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU regarding wedding invite?

767 replies

Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 19:55

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I feel really hurt by this situation.

My DP and I got together in December 2018, his good friends who at the time were living in South Africa got engaged in February 2019 and I obviously hadn’t have met them prior the engagement. In March said couple returned to the UK for work and since then we have socialised with them most weekends and I have looked after their dog in several occasions and been out with the woman for dinner/drinks just the two of us.

Save the dates for the wedding were sent by email in April 2018 by this time I had met them several times - my partner received one a save the date. Last week we went out for dinner with 3 other couples including the engaged couple. After the starter the woman announced she would be handing out the wedding invites, couple A and B got an invite addressing both of them but my partners invite was just addressed to him. Everyone opened the invites whilst I sat feeling very uncomfortable. There has since been no explanation to me nor my partner about why I had not been invited. I don’t feel entitled to have an invite I feel excluded and hurt by the way the invites were distributed.

My partner is going on the Stag and has been involved in planning it. The wedding is in June 2020 in South Africa so the plan is for everyone to go for 10 days and make a holiday out of it too. This would therefore mean I miss out on a holiday with my partner as well as a holiday with the rest of the friendship group.

AIBU to feel really hurt the way the invites were distributed when I obviously didn’t get one? And to feel upset that I have not been invited at all?

OP posts:
MiniPanda · 04/12/2019 21:33

I wouldn't for one moment suggest you follow through with it, but I'd be intrigued to hear what your "DP's" response was if you suggested still going to SA with him so you could enjoy the holiday aspect of the trip. I suspect it could be very telling.

Whilst I feel the bride and groom were incredibly tactless with the delivery of the invites I do wonder what part your DP played in all this as PP's have suggested. We got married a couple of months ago and had a similar situation with a few of the less established couples. With each of them we asked if they wished for their partner to be included and of the 3 that said no, only one of those couples are still together now. There is every chance your partner could be the reason you don't have an invite, more so given his reluctance to address the situation.

Original poster
Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 21:34

@eddielizzard Partner still truly believes its because we hadn't been together long when they got engaged and it isn't malicious towards me at all so doesn't see a reason for the friendship to end....

Not sure what to think about that!!

OP posts:
iknowimallmine · 04/12/2019 21:34

tbh they are treating you just like what your partner thinks of you and treats you which is 'not important'. Don't think your partner values the relationship as much as you do, and does he have a previously history of having short term girlfriends?

olivesnutsandcheese · 04/12/2019 21:34

I'm so sorry you've been treated this way OP. Like others have said, the bride was very rude but I'm struggling to understand your bf's reluctance to address it. I can't imagine wanting to go on a big holiday to SA without my partner. Presumably if your BF goes then that would mean you couldn't holiday together next year either as he wouldn't necessarily have the annual leave or funds. You need a serious chat with him.

dontcallmeduck · 04/12/2019 21:35

@Teapot77 I also don’t think it’s a reason for the friendship to end. A reason for him to speak to his friends, absolutely!

DeRigueurMortis · 04/12/2019 21:36

"This isn't about not being invited to the wedding, this is about being purposely and cruelly excluded and made to feel awkward on a night out. When someone shows you who they are believe them, so it's simply a case of not liking the person I saw and not wasting any more time getting to know them"

Well said Janet.

Any yes, definitely don't go to SA. It will be excruciating.

All the chat in the villa will be about the wedding and you'd spend 10 days having to pretend you didn't feel pissed off and excluded.

Did your DP ever visit them in SA? I'm perhaps thinking there's something there that he doesn't want you to know about?

Ginger1982 · 04/12/2019 21:36

"Partner still truly believes its because we hadn't been together long when they got engaged and it isn't malicious towards me at all so doesn't see a reason for the friendship to end...."

He's telling you that his friendship (fun stag and jolly jaunt to SA included) is more important than your relationship.

heartsonacake · 04/12/2019 21:38

Of course your partner is going to say he hasn’t been asked.

Look, you’ve only been together a year. If things are getting serious fast as you have said he’s probably got cold feet and either hinted or told them outright you aren’t going to be around in 2020. His reaction over this pretty much confirms it.

You are blaming the bride and groom here when really your focus and anger should be with your boyfriend.

Original poster
Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 21:39

@iknowimallmine no long term string of girlfriends at all. 1 long term relationship before but other than that nothing...

@olivesnutsandcheese he has repeatedly said he would be gutted if I wasn't invited to the wedding and therefore wouldn't be going on the holiday and keeps saying how strange it would be if I wasn't there. Which is all well and good but doesn't really mean anything if he still has the full intention to go without me.

I don't want to stop him going at all, I want him to see his friends get married but it's just the whole situation makes me feel so angry and awkward!

OP posts:
Cloverbeauty · 04/12/2019 21:39

Wow they are so rude. If you had been invited you would have been given an invite or they would have made it clear.

Justmuddlingalong · 04/12/2019 21:39

I'm sorry but I think this is all too little, too late. The thought of DP asking if you're invited now is making my toes curl. As does the thought of continuing to socialise with them. None of this is your fault, OP, but waiting around for crumbs shows a real lack of dignity. Sorry.

Kab30 · 04/12/2019 21:40

Just bite the bullett and you ask ....you will never know if you dont ask xxx

Figgygal · 04/12/2019 21:41

God don't go to SA for the holiday that would be mortifying for everyone

I can sort of see why they haven't invited you - big overseas wedding, you guys not living together but the way the distributed the invites was shitty

I'd probably not go if I was invited the friendship would be forever tainted what a shame

Chunkers · 04/12/2019 21:41

They are a bit previous with the invitations, the wedding is not for another 6 months!

So, your DP, Couple A and Couple B all assumed you would be invited, given the villa planning.

Could the expense of a destination wedding be a consideration? Do they see you as ‘poor’?

The bride was shitty about it and I personally would be backing away from her and her dog.

I doubt I could wave DP off on his jollys in June and still be there waiting on his return.

Ash39 · 04/12/2019 21:41

Op what did your partner think about the way they handed out the invites in front of you?

Rainycloudyday · 04/12/2019 21:43

Regardless of whether there may be reasonable explanations for not inviting you, the way they handed out invitations was plain nasty. Why would you want to be friends with such thoughtless and unkind people? So write them off for starters and no more dog sitting. As for your boyfriend, I agree with PPs that he seems far more concerned about upsetting his mean friends than sticking up for you when you’ve clearly been used for dog sitting and then snubbed for the fun stuff. I’d be seriously rethinking him.

CalmdownJanet · 04/12/2019 21:43

Ok fine, let's just say he is right and you aren't invited because you aren't together as long bullshit , what did he have to say about her breaking out the invitations on a night and excluding you? I mean for fuck sake we expect more from kids giving out party invites at school, not inviting is one thing but just taking the opportunity to be a bitch is another. AND then getting you to dog sit?? Eh fuck of love and mind your own dog you using bitch

SpiderCharlotte · 04/12/2019 21:43

You are blaming the bride and groom here when really your focus and anger should be with your boyfriend.

I agree 100%. You seem to want to let your boyfriend off the hook a bit and blame this couple. You don't know what he has told them (oh she can't afford to come don't embarrass her by asking her/she's away on holiday already at that time/we're not that serious we might not even be together). You really don't know. He's your main issue here.

mnahmnah · 04/12/2019 21:43

I would be tempted to go on Friday, if only to see the reaction of the others when it turns to wedding talk and you mention you’re not invited. It would also be interesting to see how the bride and groom are with you or if they mention anything. After that I certainly wouldn’t bother with them though.

iknowimallmine · 04/12/2019 21:44

Obviously he would say that, it's not as if you are going to check with them...and he is still going because he knows you will let him go despite what he is saying to please you. I would reassess the relationship and friendships. Set back from all of them.

I also agree with the other posters who have said that the couple was very rude for excluding you and singling you out. It's like school level bullying by exclusion.

Original poster
Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 21:44

@Chunkers I'm currently studying a Masters part time but am working in a reasonable job so have enough money to go but they have no idea about my financial state so can't see it being a reason...

@Ash39 DP thinks the timing is unfortunate as in they got engaged 4 months after we got together and therefore I didn't get an invite. Which I do partly understand I just feel incredibly excluded by the way they went about it, the fact they haven't even acknowledged that I haven't been invited, didn't mention anything before and have mentioned nothing since.

OP posts:
puds11 · 04/12/2019 21:45

God they have some balls! I couldn’t do that to someone Shock invite everyone at the table but not them? And not acknowledge what they’re doing! Shocking behaviour!

If they do invite you would you even want to go now?

Original poster
Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 21:47

@puds11 I don't even think I'd want to go now. It's awkward/upsetting either way. I either go and feel uncomfortable on the wedding day and spend a lot of money on a holiday that I'm only going on because of their wedding or I stay at home and feel lonely and upset when they're all in SA having a great time at the wedding!

I think it's a lose lose situation to be honest!!

OP posts:
Schoolchoicesucks · 04/12/2019 21:47

The handing out of UK invitations and not pre warning you our your dp were crass.
I wouldn't be demanding that your dh doesn't attend the wedding, but I would make clear that him going solo on a big couples jolly around the wedding would be out of order.
And reassessing your friendship with the couple.

puds11 · 04/12/2019 21:50

It’s such a shame! 10 days is a long time to expect someone to go away for a wedding especially without their partner and this will surely impact any holiday you and dp could have taken together that year.

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