AIBU regarding wedding invite?

[Teapot77]

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I feel really hurt by this situation.

My DP and I got together in December 2018, his good friends who at the time were living in South Africa got engaged in February 2019 and I obviously hadn’t have met them prior the engagement. In March said couple returned to the UK for work and since then we have socialised with them most weekends and I have looked after their dog in several occasions and been out with the woman for dinner/drinks just the two of us.

Save the dates for the wedding were sent by email in April 2018 by this time I had met them several times - my partner received one a save the date. Last week we went out for dinner with 3 other couples including the engaged couple. After the starter the woman announced she would be handing out the wedding invites, couple A and B got an invite addressing both of them but my partners invite was just addressed to him. Everyone opened the invites whilst I sat feeling very uncomfortable. There has since been no explanation to me nor my partner about why I had not been invited. I don’t feel entitled to have an invite I feel excluded and hurt by the way the invites were distributed.

My partner is going on the Stag and has been involved in planning it. The wedding is in June 2020 in South Africa so the plan is for everyone to go for 10 days and make a holiday out of it too. This would therefore mean I miss out on a holiday with my partner as well as a holiday with the rest of the friendship group.

AIBU to feel really hurt the way the invites were distributed when I obviously didn’t get one? And to feel upset that I have not been invited at all?

You've only been together a year and don't live together so I can see why they haven't invited you. It was rude and hurtful how they chose to give out the invitations and I wouldn't want to socialise with them because of that.

Your DP is being as awful as the couple.

I think on paper maybe you’re in a relationship for less than a year, maybe your partner has had a few girlfriends that haven’t stuck etc

But the fact that you seemingly have a friendship with the bride where you go out just the two of you makes it really BS.

Wow that was rude. I hope you dont dog sit for them again!

Even if OP's DP does have loads of relationships that quickly break up it still doesn't excuse the rudeness of handing out invites to everyone but her. It also seems OP is friends with the woman in her own right now since they go out to dinner alone so it's especially rude.

That's a really mean thing to do.

The only possible excuse I could see is that they just based their invitations off of the save the date list without properly reviewing it (were the names printed on the invitations?) and just haven't thought about the fact that you weren't included on that, and so don't realise they haven't invited you.

It is also possible that they asked your DP if he'd like you to be invited and he said no. But even then, handing them out in front of you was nasty.

I think your DP needs to check that you aren't invited, and if that is the case, I'd be distancing myself from them.

Definitely do not go to SA if you aren't invited to the wedding.

YANBU!! I met and married my husband within a year. I was invited as plus one to formal events after the second month (before we got engaged), including a v posh party in Dublin after ten months. I'd be having a serious chat with your P as he is fence sitting

A pp asked if you see your pre-relationship friends, ie your friends, much now and I think it's high time you made that more of a priority. Start behaving as if you've assumed you're not going to SA or the wedding, and act like someone who's not angry about that but has calmly and rationally decided not to prioritise time with people who don't see you as a priority. Make arrangements to see one or more of your own friends this weekend and tell your DP he should go by himself. Start talking about making holiday plans of your own for the spring when he's off at the wedding. Don't dog sit anymore. Show that you will be polite to these people but you won't be running around after them or hoping for their attention, you'll be off doing your own thing. If any of the group ask something about the wedding or seem to be assuming you'll be there, say calmly (practise this) 'I won't be there but I'm sure you'll have a great time'. Be honest if asked that you had not received an invitation. The idea is that you are calm about it and have friends of your own you'll be seeing. Either your partner will realise he's missing out and take steps to make you a higher priority, or he'll carry on being a bit wussy and you'll realise you can do better and move on.

MN is a funny place. A lot of people post, there are several now, who are married or have children together and there's an invitation to a childfree destination wedding and people tie themselves in knots suggesting how the man can be enabled to go but a person posts about not being invited when she's been with the guy for less than a year, and I do agree the way they handed out the invitations was really rude, but it's never see them again! They're total cunts.

OK - so not inviting you after you've recently become friends and you've helped them a lot - a little off but not a major issue IMO, I suppose if you and BF split up they probably wouldn't still see you?

But what they did by handing out the invites in front of you was unbelievably rude. There's no way any normal person wouldn't consider that thoughtless and crass - at best.

And your BF not being annoyed on your behalf says it all tbh.

he doesn't want to say anything as doesn't want to upset anyone

He is choosing to upset YOU badly, rather you than anyone else? Honestly OP, the problem here is not that you have not been invited to a wedding, the problem here is that the couple have decided you are not important enough to join and your “partner” is playing along.

Honestly, not the kind of spineless bastard man you want by your side in the long term.

That's a horrible way to be treated and I agree with other posters your partner has done you no favours he'd rather upset you than his friends, I don't agree with others telling you to go on the holiday but not the wedding, it would be so awkward!! I wouldn't be socialising with them either anymore and I certainly wouldn't be dog sitting....... I wonder if thats their plan for the dog whilst they're all away!!

You've only been together a year and don't live together so I can see why they haven't invited you. It was rude and hurtful how they chose to give out the invitations and I wouldn't want to socialise with them because of that.

This. They are boyfriend and girlfriend.

exactly what @Ellie56 said. You can do better OP. I don't think he views you as a longterm prospect. Don't go Friday night, don't be a mug.

I'd pull back from the friendship tbh, and as you've done would not be available for any doggy care (especially during wedding you're not invited to!).

They were pretty thoughtless and almost cruel to single you out in the way they did by giving everyone an invite in front of you but not you. Also in the way you and DP have been handed an invite but no-one else aware you weren't named on it!

If I was in your DPs place I would, friends or not, decline the invitation for their treatment of my partner and the awkward situation they have subjected you to. I'd not go into detail about why, don't sink to their thoughtless level. If nothing else this will be your annual holiday (I certainly would be able to afford attending and going on holiday as well!) and there is different etiquette when expecting guests to travel abroad that you can't really exclude their partners / family or demote them to an evening invite in the same way you could without too much drama if it were down the road!

So awkward for you as you're all in the one friendship group as well. I'd go to next night out and brass neck it out and first mention of wedding say in front of everyone that you hope they all have a wonderful time... watch and see if they squirm!

This reminds me of when there were 10 of us at a table at a wedding (very close friend of DH's) and EVERY SINGLE person at the table (except me) got a thank you note and shitty thank you favour.

Yes I had not helped with the wedding but who the fuck gives something to 9 out of 10 people at a table!? Just rude.

Anyway OP no don't go to SA and stay in the same place as everyone going to the wedding, don't dog sit for them either. They are rude and no need for some ridiculous announcement re handing out the invites, pathetic.

You have been together 12 months, you should have been invited ffs.

Don't go out on Friday, they can piss off. Let DP go on his own and he can bother to stick up for you and ask why you're no invited.

I can sort of understand why they may not invite you (though it isn't something I'd do myself) but to give out the invites in the manner they did is nothing short of cruel.

I don't know the answer. You can't stop your partner going, and nor should you expect him to not go as they're his friends.

"This. They are boyfriend and girlfriend."

So do only 'spouses' and 'partners' get wedding invites then?

The way the invites were handed out was unbelievably crass.....so much so (given the socialising/dog sitting) I'm musing the possibility they did it because they didn't think you or your DP would be upset.

If that has happened to me DH (even when DP) would have raised the matter there and then as he received the invitation. I think most people would, so why risk handing the invitations out in that way?

The only reason DP and you wouldn't be upset is if your DP has already spoken to the B&G saying you didn't want/couldn't become so in their minds there was no issue about the invite.

This would also explain his reluctance to press the issue.

I'd certainly be re-evaluating my relationship with him.

Tbh given you've socialised with the bride (and been asked to dog sit) I would probably text her and ask wtf is going on and get an answer straight from the bride rather than the woolly guff from your DP.

You absolutely cannot go to SA, god woman have some self respect! I wouldn't go out with them either. And if asked by them or your boyfriend simply say:
"This isn't about not being invited to the wedding, this is about being purposely and cruelly excluded and made to feel awkward on a night out. When someone shows you who they are believe them, so it's simply a case of not liking the person I saw and not wasting any more time getting to know them"

There is no point your boyfriend saying anything now, that ship has sailed, he didn't call them on their rudeness and is still defending them. He is not your dp, he is your boyfriend, you clearly feel more for him than he does for you, I would step back from him too, you don't have to end it but be weary of putting more into this relationship that he is

I haven't read the full thread thread but some people have a rule when sending out invites so they can't be seen to be favouring certain people. So like they might only give plus ones to married couples or couples who live together.

But as someone says above I think the bride wanted you to know you weren't invited. Maybe your Dh has told her it's not that serious or he doesn't see you as a long term gf.

Butterymuffin excellent advice.

Ouch... very harsh.

Ok you've not been together that long but I think it's long enough to be asked to attend, especially as you've been socialising and dog sitting with and for them. They are either very thick skinned or it was malicious towards you when they handed out the invites

Thanks for the advice all.

I've spoken to partner and he insists he's not been consulted previously about whether he wanted me to be invited so I really don't think that's the case at all (I do honestly believe him). Told him I don't feel
Comfortable going on Friday so he can go alone if he still wishes to go and can come up with some excuse as to why I'm not there!!! He's going to ask the man before Friday if he will be getting a plus one to the wedding and based on the response I'll make my decision on how to proceed with their friendship (or lack of!)

If she asked me to dog-sit the 10 days of the wedding she can get stuffed, no chance.

Awful behaviour. No excuse for handing out invitations and excluding one person. The damage has been caused. Does your DP really want these sorts of people as friends now?