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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU regarding wedding invite?

767 replies

Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 19:55

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I feel really hurt by this situation.

My DP and I got together in December 2018, his good friends who at the time were living in South Africa got engaged in February 2019 and I obviously hadn’t have met them prior the engagement. In March said couple returned to the UK for work and since then we have socialised with them most weekends and I have looked after their dog in several occasions and been out with the woman for dinner/drinks just the two of us.

Save the dates for the wedding were sent by email in April 2018 by this time I had met them several times - my partner received one a save the date. Last week we went out for dinner with 3 other couples including the engaged couple. After the starter the woman announced she would be handing out the wedding invites, couple A and B got an invite addressing both of them but my partners invite was just addressed to him. Everyone opened the invites whilst I sat feeling very uncomfortable. There has since been no explanation to me nor my partner about why I had not been invited. I don’t feel entitled to have an invite I feel excluded and hurt by the way the invites were distributed.

My partner is going on the Stag and has been involved in planning it. The wedding is in June 2020 in South Africa so the plan is for everyone to go for 10 days and make a holiday out of it too. This would therefore mean I miss out on a holiday with my partner as well as a holiday with the rest of the friendship group.

AIBU to feel really hurt the way the invites were distributed when I obviously didn’t get one? And to feel upset that I have not been invited at all?

OP posts:
InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 08/12/2019 10:33

Just read the thread Op - how awful, both how they handed out the invitations and also the lack of support from your boyfriend. I agree with the others, message the bride back and say you're not ok, and that it was extremely hurtful of her to hand out the invitations in front of you when you were the only one not invited.

Personally I'd also be rethinking my relationship as if your boyfriend isn't going to stick up for you at this stage in your relationship, then it doesn't bode well for the future. I don't think he should fall out with them or even not go to the wedding but he should make it clear that their treatment of you in handing out the invitations in front of you is unacceptable and they should apologise to you for that. Thanks for you and it's horrible when people are shitty for no reason.

MrsR2be · 08/12/2019 10:33

That is very rude I'd be hurt.

Itsalready · 08/12/2019 10:35

Hi #teapot
Sorry you're feeling upset and hurt, I would be too!!
I was thinking, do you know who wrote out the invites? Would it be a case where one person in the couple thought the other was writing your name? I just find it extremely odd that they would hand out invites without one for you, carry on planning meet ups and talk about the wedding in front of you when from what you have said, you have all spent a lot of time together!! I know you feel awkward but I would text the bride again and explain it's not that you're not invited as you understand numbers etc but that you were hurt by the way the invite was handed out. You have to address this now, otherwise it will drive you crazy wondering...don't leave it to your DP as he sounds like he wants an easy life/have his cake and eat it too!!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 08/12/2019 10:38

Neither of the females from couple A and couple B are invited to the hen night? Is this friendship group based on the friendships between the 4 men, with all the females being part of it whilst not actually being friends, as such, outside of the group?

This is a pertinent question...

Smelborp · 08/12/2019 10:38

Absolutely not too late to reply again to that message. Flowers

Janus · 08/12/2019 10:42

If I was going to text (and I really think you should) I think I’d say something like
‘Thanks for texting earlier, I am upset and didn’t want to make a fuss but actually I think I should tell you what’s upset me.
I understand this is your wedding and that you didn’t know me when you sent out the ‘save the date’ notices. However, as we see eachother nearly every weekend I thought we’d become friends. For you to hand out the wedding invites in front of me and for me not to be included in the invite is upsetting. I think if you’d told me before that for reasons such as numbers I wouldn’t be able to attend I’d be prepared but you didn’t and that’s upset and confused me.
I truly hope you have a wonderful wedding and just wanted to clear the air really.’

GreenTulips · 08/12/2019 10:44

How does your DP feel now he’s ‘seen’ what’s you’ve been saying about how awkward things will be?

Kab30 · 08/12/2019 10:44

She obviously thinks your on the invite ....i really think this has been an accident ..all you need to do is text and ask for clarification...and i bet she apologises and says corse your invited xx

SecondRow · 08/12/2019 10:49

The dog sitting, was that you personally, in your place, as you and DP don't live together?

It would be totally reasonable to mention that you feel used over this as it has emerged that they don't really count you as a friend.

Ash39 · 08/12/2019 10:53

I think this might be an oversight as well. Why o why o why o why has your DP not clarified this with them??????

Teensruletheroost · 08/12/2019 10:53

I’m wondering whether it was an oversight and she thinks you’re on the invitation?

charm8ed · 08/12/2019 10:54

Had you discussed the wedding with your partner in the past? Such as when making holiday plans for next year had it come up, or when watching TV and there was something about SA , had you said you’re looking forward to going etc?

DawgLover · 08/12/2019 10:55

The message I'd send would basically be the same as the one by Janus Basically not asking for an invite, but addressing the actual way you were snubbed and why its now uncomfortable for you.

I think its really very odd that your DP has seen you so upset twice now, but hasn't had a quiet word with his friend so that they might get in touch and explain if its a numbers thing/no ring no bring rule/you pissed off their dog.

Frankly, if you want to understand why you'll need to say to the bride and this is a good opportunity to do so. Separately, I'd want a word with my DP when his version of not upsetting anyone is directly upsetting you.

bluegreygreen · 08/12/2019 10:58

I think Janus' message is very clear - it emphasises that the upset is primarily due to how the invitations were given out

whyamidoingthis · 08/12/2019 11:12

tobedtoMNandfart's post is the way to go. It accepts they can invite who they want and focuses on the bit that nobody could possibly justify - handing out invitations in front of someone not invited.

SweetMarmalade · 08/12/2019 11:19

Awful the way the invites were handed out! I would have felt incredibly hurt too!

I think I would use the current text as an opportunity to raise the issue, as a pp suggested I would go with the way in which the invites were handed out rather than lack of invite being initially the most hurtful thing!

Who the actual fuck does this! I’m so angry for you OP!

SweetMarmalade · 08/12/2019 11:21

And it does need to be addressed as currently it’s like the elephant in the room.

icantbecani · 08/12/2019 11:26

Has the bride given You an inkling she doesn't like you very much before? I actually think texting you to ask if you are ok is a pretty dick move in the circumstances. She clearly knows you are not ok and it doesn't take a genius to work out why. I actually think for a destination wedding it is even ruder than a day at a hotel. Have none of the rest of the party really said nothing about this to you or your dp? I'm pretty flabbergasted at that.

Moreisnnogedag · 08/12/2019 11:27

As a PP mentioned, is there a possibility that they have used the identical guest list from the save the date list and the names have just been auto-populated? She literally may not realise and be mortified when she realises

crispysausagerolls · 08/12/2019 11:30

But the problem isn’t just how they’ve been handed out; it’s also that they are going on about the wedding the whole fucking time, knowing OP isn’t invited. It’s tactless at best and fucking rude at worst

justilou1 · 08/12/2019 11:37

Is the bride from SA or UK? Generally speaking South Africans are more direct than British people. I think if she is South African, you will be better off just getting DP to ask why you haven’t been invited. (Be aware that you may get a brutally honest answer!)

CraftyYankee · 08/12/2019 11:39

The only way the bride doesn't look dreadful here is if she genuinely thinks OP is invited to the wedding. In which case, OP would have no reason to keep disappearing and being upset.

In all other scenarios, the bride is blind to all manners and common courtesy.

Why are you so afraid of offending her?

Text and say that you were upset last night as the only person in the room not invited to the wedding. And you will need to distance yourself in the future to prevent further hurt.

Either you get a confused response of "of course you're invited!" In which case all is resolved.

Or something else...either no response, sorry it's numbers, who knows what. But at least you'll know.

marjoretta · 08/12/2019 11:40

I wonder if the next time you go out, if they're all talking weddings and you leave and get a text like that, I wonder whether it gives the opportunity to reply with something along the lines that you were giving space to discuss the wedding and plans, and didn't want to impose or something. Make it clear you know you're not invited, not ask for an invite, but sound gracious in giving space for them to discuss without you being there. Makes your feelings clear without a confrontation?

eddielizzard · 08/12/2019 11:42

I agree, the only way this would be acceptable is if you actually ARE invited. Did each person get an invitation, or invitation per couple?

JosephineDeBeauharnais · 08/12/2019 11:43

That the other partners of this group of male friends haven't been invited to the hen is the killer fact. As far as the bride is concerned, her fiancé's mates partners aren't her friends. I reckon she's invited them to the wedding because she can't not, but she's drawn the line at the OP because she isn't a "DP", she's just a girlfriend. OP is mistaking friendly encounters, including the odd 1:1 as friendship.
However, it was extremely rude to hand out the invitations in the way that she did.

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