AIBU regarding wedding invite?

[Teapot77]

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I feel really hurt by this situation.

My DP and I got together in December 2018, his good friends who at the time were living in South Africa got engaged in February 2019 and I obviously hadn’t have met them prior the engagement. In March said couple returned to the UK for work and since then we have socialised with them most weekends and I have looked after their dog in several occasions and been out with the woman for dinner/drinks just the two of us.

Save the dates for the wedding were sent by email in April 2018 by this time I had met them several times - my partner received one a save the date. Last week we went out for dinner with 3 other couples including the engaged couple. After the starter the woman announced she would be handing out the wedding invites, couple A and B got an invite addressing both of them but my partners invite was just addressed to him. Everyone opened the invites whilst I sat feeling very uncomfortable. There has since been no explanation to me nor my partner about why I had not been invited. I don’t feel entitled to have an invite I feel excluded and hurt by the way the invites were distributed.

My partner is going on the Stag and has been involved in planning it. The wedding is in June 2020 in South Africa so the plan is for everyone to go for 10 days and make a holiday out of it too. This would therefore mean I miss out on a holiday with my partner as well as a holiday with the rest of the friendship group.

AIBU to feel really hurt the way the invites were distributed when I obviously didn’t get one? And to feel upset that I have not been invited at all?

If she is genuinely confused then maybe it is just an error and you are invited. If not she has the intuition or the brass balls of a rhino.
I'd message back (or ask dp to) that you are upset by the situation - not necessarily the lack of invite but the handing out of invitations and the lack of communication- you understand numbers could be limited. You're also upset that dp gets to go on holiday for 10 days without you. Be up front about being upset but be non-confrontational and keep it short and sweet.

You need to tell her why you are upset. It's a shame your partner isn't stepping up and speaking to them. Is he like this about things normally?

Either send her a follow up message to your “I’m ok” reply saying “I’m not really ok - for the best part of a year we have spent weekends together and socialised and been friends. I feel completely excluded from the wedding and don’t Understand why. Am I supposed to sit there for the next year whilst people talk about an event I am not invited to?”

Or get your DP to man up and call the friends and say “DP can’t keep coming to these events where all people discuss is the event she has been excluded from. It’s rude and unkind. As were handing out invitations in front of her”.

It is the height of rudeness to discuss something someone isn’t invited to in front of them. You will have a year of this if you say nothing.

@Teapot77 As many posters have said, the fiancées behaviour was crass and rude. I wouldn’t want to go to the wedding even if invited as a ‘plus 1’ now - consider how Friday night went!

If I was you, I wouldn’t let your DP ask them to include you, don’t transfer any more ‘power’ to her.

If possible, schedule your own holiday for the same time - not only will you not be around to dog sit but also you can go off and make some happy memories of your own. You’ve mentioned you have a strong friendship group when you were based abroad, so perhaps ten days there. If not, maybe organise to meet friends abroad somewhere together or if you want to be brave and independent, consider going solo. There’s two great groups on Facebook Girls Love Travel and Girls Love Travel 35+, which I use to plan solo trips and meet up with friendly female locals (I’m married but get more annual leave than my DH, and most of our friends have tied down by kids while we’re childless). Either way, she’s shown herself not to be worthy of your friendship so treat her as an acquaintance. Don’t dog sit, don’t make any effort with her, just be polite and enjoy your life.

Hi bride, actually I know i said I was ok, but truthfully I'm not. I understand how excited you are about your wedding, and I truly understand the need to limit numbers. That's fine.
But I was upset that you handed out the invitations last week in front of me. I guess I'm annoyed a bit that OP and I will miss out on a holiday together next year as well. Hey hi. I understand your reasons and it's fine, but a bit of sensitivity around me wouldn't go amiss.

I'd also message back and say something along the lines of:

Dear x

It was very kind of you to message me and I replied quickly to say that I was okay. But actually I'm not. I'm finding it very awkward being with a group of friends who are all talking about the same event when I'm unable to join in the chat and share the excitement. I hope your wedding is a huge success and I wish you every happiness. However, I think it's probably better if I keep a low profile for the next few months.

Or use Ash39's message - which is much better than mine

Definitely go with Ash’s response, it gets it all out in the open and said without being dramatic.

I like something along the lines of what crispysausagerolls said.

Mediavlists message is better.

"guess I'm annoyed a bit that OP and I will miss out on a holiday together next year as well. Hey hi. I understand your reasons and it's fine, but a bit of sensitivity around me wouldn't go amiss."

Don't write this, it's passive aggressive and you don't need to miss out on the holiday you can still go, that's a personal choice.

I would honestly want my partner to ask why you're not invited, but I'm not sure in this scenario I'd trust his answer.

I'd maybe just text her and say, "yes I'm fine, feeling a little left out though about the wedding, but don't want to make it about me and honestly hope you have a wonderful day and all have a wonderful time, how exciting, . I'm just curious though why I was excluded?"

And see what she says.

No, I wouldn't use crispysausage's response. Don't focus on why you haven't been invited. Accept that you haven't. Focus on how you now feel when you're out with them, point out that you can't participate in all the excitement so you're going to keep a low profile.

I think if you respond you need to mention the handing out of the invites in front of you.
That, to me, and most of the other posters, was the single most upsetting thing that happened.

Unless you say something you’ll never know and keep stewing over it. I prefer Medievalist’s response.

Bluntness 100’s one is good.

Text back saying have you realised my name wasn’t on the wedding invite?. Am I not invited? Thanks. X Trouble is either way your boyfriend is completely unsupportive. You can’t change him thinking you were not invited and his appalling response.

It's not too late.

Text back "I'm not upset about not being invited to the wedding"

"I AM upset, confused & humiliated about the way you went about handing out everybody's invite in front of me" (you need to spell this as as she clearly has the hide of a rhino)

Advice for the future:
DO NOT DOG SIT
Socialise only if you feel comfortable about how they handle knowing they have upset you.

Personally wild horses would get me to that wedding as a +1. And please do not go to SA then wait back in the hotel 😡

These people are not your friends, they are simply people you currently see regularly socially.

Glad your DP has your back on Friday

*wouldnt!

Has anyone even checked that the invite isn't a mistake?

Your dp definitely should have done this already.

He is spineless.

Op you need to be more honest. Do other friends even know the situation? If you let this become the elephant in the room it will ruin your social life for the next 6 months and beyond.

Assuming its not a mistake the bride is incredibly thick skinned. Nothing you can say will upset her.

Your opportunity to say something and get it out in the open is now, otherwise you will spend the next however many months upset. No more, I’m fine! A combination of both crispy sausage rolls messages would be good...

“I’m sorry but I’m not really ok - for the best part of a year we have spent weekends together and socialised and been friends. I feel completely excluded from your wedding and the holiday, and I don’t really understand why, as I considered us friends and have had no explanation from you as to why you haven’t invited me.
I can’t keep coming to these social events where all people discuss is your wedding details that I have been excluded from. It’s rude and unkind, as was handing out invitations in front of me. I found that very hurtful and would have appreciated a heads up and an explanation.”

@Teapot77 I think if your partner won’t address it then you do need to say something. A reply to the text is a prefect opportunity.

You can’t spend the next 6 months getting upset every time you socialise with them and it will be awful listening to the wedding chat. Have any of the other girlfriends/partners mentioned you being excluded? It’s like the elephant in the room.

Mrselijahs response is the best response so far.

Please don’t use this part of bluntness
“feeling a little left out though about the wedding, but don't want to make it about me and honestly hope you have a wonderful day and all have a wonderful time, how exciting, . I'm just curious though why I was excluded”

It’s so incredibly passive aggressive and cringe. You’re basically suggesting you feeling teary and leaving early was you making her wedding about you, then denying it and then demanding an explanation.

You are hurt because of her actions. Not because you get to miss out on her fabulous destination wedding. She humiliated you and now she’s asking if you’re ok.

I might miss out the word rude though and just focus on how I feel.

I know you are worried to put everything out there because it might be messy and awful. But the mess and awfulness is real - and of someone else's making. The alternative is you squashing it down and internalising it all which will bite you in the arse eventually in the form of illness or problems in your relationships. Honestly it is so much better to put it out there than keep it in, festering.