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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU regarding wedding invite?

767 replies

Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 19:55

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I feel really hurt by this situation.

My DP and I got together in December 2018, his good friends who at the time were living in South Africa got engaged in February 2019 and I obviously hadn’t have met them prior the engagement. In March said couple returned to the UK for work and since then we have socialised with them most weekends and I have looked after their dog in several occasions and been out with the woman for dinner/drinks just the two of us.

Save the dates for the wedding were sent by email in April 2018 by this time I had met them several times - my partner received one a save the date. Last week we went out for dinner with 3 other couples including the engaged couple. After the starter the woman announced she would be handing out the wedding invites, couple A and B got an invite addressing both of them but my partners invite was just addressed to him. Everyone opened the invites whilst I sat feeling very uncomfortable. There has since been no explanation to me nor my partner about why I had not been invited. I don’t feel entitled to have an invite I feel excluded and hurt by the way the invites were distributed.

My partner is going on the Stag and has been involved in planning it. The wedding is in June 2020 in South Africa so the plan is for everyone to go for 10 days and make a holiday out of it too. This would therefore mean I miss out on a holiday with my partner as well as a holiday with the rest of the friendship group.

AIBU to feel really hurt the way the invites were distributed when I obviously didn’t get one? And to feel upset that I have not been invited at all?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 07/12/2019 21:12

She shouldn’t go on holiday because everything will be wedding focussed - bride and groom will be full of their plans, there will be drinks the night before and brekky the day after and they will all feel a bit like she’s crashing the party. Plus it will do her dh good to be single in the midst of coupleville to help him decide if he likes this or if he should be trying harder to be a couple. And the op can use her funds to plan a holiday she would love to go on, with her own friends. It would probably be good timing to make sure she’s connected with her friends.

lindsayincroydon · 07/12/2019 21:31

Why didn't they at least give him a Plus One invite, although even that would have been awkward, as you know them. Your boyfriend needs to ask them for an explanation. If you aren't invited, I don't think he should attend either.

lindsayincroydon · 07/12/2019 21:41

I would go away somewhere nice with my friends and think long and hard about my relationship with DP

Barney60 · 07/12/2019 21:56

I think id also be angry if my partner went without me!

singme · 07/12/2019 22:23

10 days is a long holiday without your partner of 18 months, even if you are close to the rest of the wedding party.
I was invited on my own to a wedding in Europe this summer, I didn’t know anyone else going except the bride and groom, I was so relieved when they extended the invite to DP! I guess if it was all my friends going it would have been different but not if their partners were also invited!

Merryweather80 · 07/12/2019 22:24

Wow!
I'm hurt for you.

Is there any chance your dp being male and sometimes it takes them longer to absorb the details - is being a bit slow realising that he's;
A, been a tad disrespectful of your feelings,
B, not realised he will miss you and
C, hasn't fully accepted how you feel and why?

To me it sounds like your relationship has a future if you've discussed living together etc.
It's all very odd and confusing. No wonder you're in bits and feeling torn /rejected all round. It clearly sounds like a friendship group not you visiting and doing things with him and his friends.
I really hope there's been a mistake and you are included. Otherwise handing out invites as they did was an incredibly nasty thing to do.
Thinking of you. I hope everything works out well. You sound like a caring thoughtful person who doesn't deserve to be treated like this. xxx

ktp100 · 08/12/2019 00:10

Any updates, OP? Did you go out last night?

Hope you're feeling better about it all.x.

GlamGiraffe · 08/12/2019 01:32

@Teapot77
How are you?
Do update us.
I'm thinking that with your absence things may not be ok.
Let us know 🌷🌷

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/12/2019 01:36

Have only read OP's posts. But I keep going back to the second post, part of which was:

"I tried to explain to DP that regardless of me not getting an invite it's unfair of them to expect him to go on a holiday with all couples on his own but he doesn't want to say anything as doesn't want to upset anyone. " (my bolding)

You've been together a year now @Teapot77. A year isn't too long. In your shoes, I'd be grateful that I hadn't wasted any more of my life on this fuckwit of a man. He's more than content for you to be upset, but he doesn't want to upset THEM. His friends are more important to him than YOU.

DItch. He is seriously not worth your time.

managedmis · 08/12/2019 01:54

I'm sorry but you need to grow a pair.

A. They didn't invite you.
B. They asked everyone except you to their wedding, and do so PUBLICLY, knowing they'd humiliate you!
C. YOU are making excuses for them, the whole 7 months argument, not been together long etc etc etc means nothing, they could easily adjust the frigging numbers to include you!
D. Your partner obviously either doesn't want you there or doesn't care either way. Which is basically the same thing.. He sounds like he couldn't give a shit if you're upset about the whole thing, he's got his invite, so he's happy.

I'd be waving him off to SA and not seeing any of the sorry lot again!

managedmis · 08/12/2019 01:57

he doesn't want to say anything as doesn't want to upset anyone.

^

Translates as: I want a fancy holiday in South Africa and I don't give a toss if you're not there. Be a nice quiet girlfriend, I'm not going to rock the boat and ask them to invite you, I want MY ten days on holiday and stag do.

Scarriff · 08/12/2019 07:26

This reminds me of a similar experience with a boyfriend of a year or so. Looking back I was sort of expecting him to propose, or at least suggest I moved in. But the lack of invite for me to an old friend's wedding in the US turned out to be a watershed. I just wasn't a keeper, useful though I happened to be. The old friends knew this though apparently nothing was said. Time for ' the talk's I'd say.

Teaandcake1000 · 08/12/2019 07:41

What is this nonsense I’m reading of
“You weren’t invited because you don’t live together”
Is this how you measure serious? That’s nuts.

“A year isn’t a serious relationship”

  • I was engage after 6 months dm married 13 months after we met. That was 10 years ago. So yes we were serious

Sorry to say OP, you can tear your self apart looking for reasons but there’s only one really, and that that he’s just not that into you. Horrible as it is but the evidence is hiding in plain sight.

You are now in a tough position of not wanting to end the relationship
Or rock the boat with his friends. I would t do the latter as I’m certain he has had input Into this and the last thing you want is for them
To say “well we asked Your DP and he was done with you not being invited”

Or they are just absorbed in their bliss bubble ( and why shouldn’t they be) but... when we had our wedding we invited all partners without checking whether they shared a council tax bill!

They all sound pretty shit .

Sorry OP it’s a no win situation

bemusedmoose · 08/12/2019 09:15

Wow that's a kick in the face! How rude!! I would have zero respect for that couple anymore.

If you aren't going to invite some one you don't do it in public and you say 'married couples only' or something. I know some people don't want people that are dating incase they break up... But explain it!

I'd also be fuming at you dp - why the hell has he not said anything!?! He's just as bad. To all just disregard your feelings like that is so unbelievably rude and no one seems to have stepped up and pulled them up on it... I actually feel seriously pissed off for you!

Original poster
Teapot77 · 08/12/2019 09:15

Sorry for the delay in responding!

I went, with DP and it was just very strange for me. The conversation in the group did turn to the wedding, I just tried to not listen and made conversation with someone else. We decided to go out to the pub hadn't been there long and then I just panicked (I also have anxiety - probably would have helped if I'd mentioned it earlier!) when the conversation was just focused on the wedding for a while. Lots of talk about the villa, flights etc... DP noticed and he asked if I wanted to leave discretely, I said yes and he told the group that we would be going home. We left, I was very tearful.

I then the next morning got a message from the woman saying she hoped everything was ok... confused!

OP posts:
Original poster
Teapot77 · 08/12/2019 09:16

I think I feel even more confused now! Arghhhhhh

OP posts:
BeginningToLookLikeChristmas · 08/12/2019 09:19

Have you replied to her? This is an opportunity to be honest and say you felt awkward being the only uninvited person, but that you understand it's their wedding and their choice

I would imagine wedding conversation will dominate much of the time you all spend together!

TheHootiestOwl · 08/12/2019 09:19

Your DH needs to say something @Teapot77. The bride clearly has a thick skin.

TheHootiestOwl · 08/12/2019 09:20

DP I mean.

Original poster
Teapot77 · 08/12/2019 09:20

@BeginningToLookLikeChristmas I replied just saying thank you... thinking about it I maybe should have just said why I was upset. Missed opportunity maybe.

OP posts:
mnahmnah · 08/12/2019 09:21

What did you reply to her?

mnahmnah · 08/12/2019 09:22

Cross post! Yes I think I definitely would have taken that as my cue to say, politely, that I don’t feel comfortable being around the wedding talk without an explanation of why I’m not invited

OwlinaTree · 08/12/2019 09:25

Well she's asked if everything's ok. This is your chance...

Not really. It's your choice who you invite to your wedding but it was upsetting for me last week when you gave out invitations to everyone except me. I'll have to give the pub a miss for a bit I suppose.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 08/12/2019 09:26

Maybe you should just be up front and tell her the truth. In all honesty I think your dp should have stepped up and said something but it appears he either has no backbone or he’d rather you were upset so he can go to the wedding

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2019 09:26

Why isn't your partner asking? They are his friends, he's close to them. It would be the first thing I did, and the first thing my husband did.

He just seems to be making excuses, not addressing it. And fully intending on going.

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